A New Perspective

I'd like to Introduce you to my friend Beth, she joined Gospel for Asia (GFA) about the same time as we did, she was my respite care giver when I needed a break from parenting. I often think of her, because before she left, she helped me with a project. It was a mirror for my bathroom, so everyday I look in that mirror. I think of the joy I had making it with her. It was such a gift, this fond memory I have of her being intentional about our relationship. I missed her when she left GFA. The following is her story.

Beth Writes:
I have never been asked to guest blog before. 

It sounds so official. 

In reality I am simply one of many voices.

One of many who used to serve at Gospel For Asia. 

One of many who left family, friends, and church to move to Texas.

One of many who believed wholeheartedly in what we were doing.

One of many who bonded with others who did the same things.

Unfortunately, one of many adversely affected by my time there.  

For those of you who don't know, my family did not leave because we disapproved of what we saw. 

We left because I wanted a divorce. 

And they kind of frown on that. 

Sara has been doing a lot of healing blogging. 

Healing to her.

Healing to her family.

Healing to others of us who left the ministry. 

One of her recent blogs highlighted some of what women were told at GFA.

All of her blogs have been important (repeat: healing)

but that one really underscored some of what I felt was so wrong 

at the ministry, and something that deeply affected my marriage.

A couple things we were told:

Wear a head-covering. It will show your devotion to God and submission to your husband.

Wives are often the reason their husbands leave the ministry. 

Don't be too vocal or ask too many questions.

But I am vocal.

I like to converse, discuss, think through.

However, at GFA that was seen as a problem.

My thought processes and intelligence were no longer virtues, but detriments.

Whenever I questioned things,

Or even simply did not agree with opinions,

I was told, in no uncertain terms, how unsubmissive I was.

Eight years of that takes a toll. (But really, it was more than eight years.

It just got worse during those eight years at GFA).

In case I am misunderstood, I must say in no uncertain terms that GFA did not cause my divorce.

We had problems before we ever even got there. 

My ex - for as long as I've known him - has been an all-or-nothing man. 

A lot of law, not so much grace. 

In fact, one friend said about him, "He's the most legalistic person I've ever talked to." 

I only tell you this to let you in on a little of what went wrong. I don't want to speak ill of him. 

When I debated writing this, one man encouraged, "I would love to hear your story, Beth...I think it also helps with healing to know that the problem was not with us." 

Believe me, a lot of the problem was with us.  

But I would be remiss if I didn't say GFA had a lot to do with it, because of their emphasis on submission. 

So I cannot just write a post blasting GFA.

I actually don't have issues with how I was treated while I was there. 

Unlike many - especially those who have left more recently (as I hear things have gotten much worse) 

I didn't experience poor treatment or fear while I was there. 

I was not afraid to ask questions. 

I was not intimidated or pushed aside by KP. I actually felt very close to him. 

I feel like I was granted an audience with him whenever I wanted it. 

Rather, my reason for never asking him, or other leadership, about things I disagreed with or questioned was because I believed I was doing the biblical thing. 

What I was supposed to do. 

I was submitting.

A quality held in such high esteem at GFA

That it is, in fact, what I feel has led to what is happening now

(many staff leaving, board members resigning, losing their ECFA membership, etc.)

It is also what contributed greatly to the downfall of my marriage. 

I know this may be just my personal opinion

Based on my personal experiences, 

But during our time there it seemed as if submission became the highest-held value at GFA. 

It was as if the heartbeat of the ministry that once was the steady count of souls being saved 

Had been replaced with the focus of how well its members were submitting.

And it only served to follow that if they weren't submitting enough, more control needed to be exerted.  

Wouldn't it make sense, then, that some people might start requiring that of their friends, spouses, children as well? That some people, who have difficulty with moderation, might be prone to go "full throttle" in their enforcement of the issue? 

On the surface GFA hedged their teachings with love and mercy, 

but in practice it did not come across that way. 

Wasn't "full throttle" the level GFA required?

All-out for the lost?

The enemy of the best is the good?  

The dreaded, "Maybe you are being led elsewhere..."

That became the tag-phrase consequence for less-than-total submission.

I wonder if things would had turned out differently -

for my marriage and the ministry that has now lost many amazing staff -

if, rather than so much focus on "don't get involved in other things (church most of all),"

There had been more "practice the art of balance." 

Instead of so much "Come to us for permission" 

There had been more "pray about what's' right for you." 

Instead of "Don't question it. We're asking you to do this so it's obviously from the Lord" 

There had been more "Talk this over and do it if you feel led to." 

And, for me especially, instead of so much "wives submit" 

There had been more "Husbands, here's how you love your wives {as Christ loved the church}." 

No one at GFA is responsible for how {I feel} my ex took one of their teachings - 

which is a biblical one - 

and destroyed my sense of worth and value and self with it. 

But I want to give an example for how I do think they are responsible - 

And this is my main reason for writing this.

Sometimes when I ask one of my children or students to say they're sorry for something

They respond with, "But it was an accident!"

Like that makes it OK to not apologize.  

So I give them this example:

No one hits another car on purpose - cars are extremely expensive. And we need them. 

But if I were to run into someone with my car, I would especially {among other things} apologize.

In the same way, people are precious. We need them. 

So when we cause injury, we apologize. And then {hopefully} drive more carefully. 

This is what I feel GFA has not done. Not only have they not apologized, but

They continue to insist that they didn't wreck anyone's car. 

The hurting {and caring} voices of former staff have not prompted them to drive more carefully.

Many people who left have left damaged in some way. 

Left, if you will, with a car that doesn't run as well as it did before they worked at the ministry. 

Not that an apology from leadership would completely repair things, but it would help. 

I personally do not need an apology from them.

Like I said, I didn't have an issue with much while I was there -

I was *simply* affected by it.

But there are certainly some former staff who deserve an apology. 

But more than that, I just want to see GFA leadership change how they "drive", so that future staff that pull out of GFA leave better than when they arrived. 

And I think it is safe to say I am one of many who feel that way. 

So, yes, my hurt was different.

Not completely caused by GFA, yet certainly exacerbated by them.

But that doesn't mean it shouldn't be counted with the others. 

I am still one of many.

One of many saddened by what GFA has become,

One of many who hope someday those still serving there will see,

And those leading there will repent.  

So many hurting, {caring} voices cannot all be wrong.

Rules or Trust

When my mom and dad were first married they lived far away from the extended family. They had a loving relationship where they relied on each other because no else was around. Eventually they moved back East and started interacting with the extended family again.  My dad after being with his brothers for a day started to behave in the same manner... "Yo babe get me a beer." My grandfather was known to just click his wedding ring against his empty beer can to alert grandma it was time to serve him again.  

My mom politely got dad a beer the first time but after a while she just raised an eyebrow at Papa.  Some readers are freaking out already OH MY GIRAFFE your family drinks? Others are freaking out because we are SUPPOSED to serve our husbands, How dare she just not serve him.  

Mom was unwilling to let their relationship become fractured by imitated bad behavior. They had a "discussion" afterward where they worked out this kink in their relationship.  I always witnessed my father loving my mother. Even if he had to make a unilateral decision that was unpopular she was always willing to follow because her leader LOVED her. Every night my Father prayed with and read to her, either the bible or a book by Watchman Nee. (I can see my dad was doing that whole washing her in the word bit that is one of the commands  Ephesians 5: that comes after wives submit).  I'd be curious to know how many men that are adamant about the wife submitting, are reading the bible to their wives daily? 

Ever notice how in Ephesians 5 the man is commanded to love his wife... 3 times... Tho this is not a "command" the wife is told to do... instead "respect your husbands" seems to to be the hot button for the ladies. Each of these things show me Paul understood the deep needs of men and women in relationships. 

I witnessed day in and day out a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and love. Did they always get along? No... who does? Yet I had this wonderful yardstick to measure my marriage by.  My parents have been married for over 50 years and they are still going strong.  

I have to admit the whole stress on submission here at GFA really helped my husband step up and take the reigns back from me, which was a relief.  Early on I had decided I didn't like the fact that no one was holding the reigns and the horses were just carrying us where ever they felt like taking us. I wanted a more directed life. I kept trying to hand the reigns back to the head of the house but he didn't always want them.  Yet at one point in our career at Gospel for Asia My knight and I hit a road block. It seemed that every time we would be getting ready to go out he would be giving me talking points. Not what to say but rather what not to say and asking me to change my carefully chosen outfit to one he preferred. He condemned my parenting style. He was so wrapped up in how we looked to others. 

It created so much undue stress in our marriage. At one point he started to resort to rules of what I could and could not; do, say, wear.   This behavior on his part led me down a road of suffering, (Is this what suffering for the kingdom is supposed to look like?) I was hurt. I knew what a great marriage looked like, we had one, but ours was loosing that flavor of mutual trust and respect with love holding it together.  It seemed the more I submitted, the more he expected me to be his floor mat.  Well folks I'm not a floor mat, I don't like confrontation, but I will do it. So a few years into the whole "Yes sir, how high? life"  I calmly pointed out to him somewhere along the line he had stopped trusting me. When he failed to hear what I was saying I pointed it out a bit more forcefully.  

I can still remember the day I stood there yelling my head off, tears streaming down my cheeks saying "When you tell me what to say, it means you do not trust me.  Why don't you trust me! You used to trust me!"  This from his "meek" "mild" wife... A look of shock and surprise engulfed his face, I could see his spirit had been checked. Gradually over time with our focus on Christs' choices for our life we got back on track. I stopped checking with him for every decision, he stopped telling me what I said right and what I said wrong at social events. In-fact now we act as each others interpreter "What s/he meant to say is this..."  

My husband shares so much of his life and inner thoughts and feeling with me now, and it is mutual. Trust flows, respect grows and love abounds. He's a keeper.  

Should I have submitted to all his rules and more rules and more rules? Would that have stopped the cycle? Can a woman continually submitting and yet being told to submit more, weighed down by rules have joy? Don't get me wrong; handing over the reigns of authority was so freeing.  Yet we lost our way for a while and it hurt our marriage.  GFA has been accused of taking Spiritual Authority to an extreme,  the whole Hyper headship/ Hyper submission.  Do I blame GFA for it's teachings on submission to authority for these issues in our marriage? To some extent I do, I also blame ourselves for being willing to follow blindly... it was a form of idolatry, I thought "these are spiritual giants! Missionaries with a vision from God to reach the lost at any cost!"  I'm not sure I can follow that core value anymore. It's cute, catchy and, it rhymes but what is the true meaning?  I have seen families fall apart because we are reaching the lost at any cost. What is that cost? Divorce in some cases, the cost of trauma to the children in those marriages.  I really had to ask myself "Is this what God desires?" 

I'm not a spiritual giant, and in-fact no one on earth is a spiritual giant. We are all humans that sin.  I do not desire my husband to be an Adoniram Judson, willing to bury 3 wives. When I read that story out loud to my husband one road trip, part of me was horrified, It appeared these woman were expendable, the man in the story praised to the hilt for his willingness to do anything, even watch his wives and children die one after another. It felt so Machiavellian. It made me question is that what God desires for me, to be cast away, if I get in the way? I know these ladies went willingly I guess I'm just not there in my journey. 

I do serve my husband and you know what?  He also serves me. He can tell me to turn the volume down on my attitude and I can do the same to him. We are in harmony* not in unison. We are singing this marriage song together in the voices God gave us. I'm not singing exactly like him, or in the exact way he tells me to. Instead we sing in harmony blending our gifts, our strengths and weaknesses to have a solid marriage that will withstand the storms of ministry and time. 

*thanks Pastor Ray Viola for this image!