Sunday, April 7, 2013

Attachment Assessment or I'm not a mess.

Well all that looking back so we can move forward thing I can see bits and pieces are coming together. Today I got to look deep into my memory bank and have lots of old memories dredged up. Some were  about not doing well in school. I found myself crying over remembering how hard I would study and then I would fail anyway.  I apologized for being a mess to Amy (interviewer) and then she gave me permission to feel icky. Telling me how many, many of the parents that had undiagnosed learning disabilities often burst into tears in her office. It just released the flood gates. I could not stuff my feelings and box them up for later, they poured out like water. Then she told me I wasn't a mess. And my assignment today was to go home and write it down. So here it is: I am not a mess.  How hard that is for me to assimilate.

We all carry around these childhood messages one of them for me obviously is "I'm a bit of a mess." Which is not a realistic view of my life, it's just one my right brain keeps communicating to my heart.
So in this exercise I need to pull out that file folder marked Mess and examine it, look around and when my childhood starts communicating that I'm a mess I need to ask myself is this true, or is this just a childhood message intruding on my life?

Part of me is looking around saying why? Why did I rarely cry as a child? Now I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. Did I bawl like a baby because she gave me permission? I know I always feel like I have to apologize for crying, like crying is shameful or bad. Weird that album Free to be You and Me the first album I bought with my own money has this song on it...  So I leave you with It's alright to cry...

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