Wednesday, September 23, 2015

From Grief to Grace

Life just overwhelmed me, as I sat there asking my husband to talk to Sweet Potato because everything seems to be a fight these days.  We discussed the regression and how we can parent her though it. Her not being present, not connecting, but at least she wasn't causing trouble, just being odd. She has lost her Grandmother, her friends she's moved into a new house, life is hard.  A wave of grief swept over me, poignant pain, how I wished I could call my mom and just have her listen. I sobbed like a lost child into the pillow. My knight being the strong silent type got me tissues and waited for this episode to pass.  Eventually the gentle rubbing on my back brought me up for air.  The pain, the ache subsides once more and I go back to my life as a wife, a mom... the official unpacker of boxes.

When I try and talk to Sweet Potato about her disruptive behavior, the continual push back, she says "But I'm stressed"... at dinner tonight when she brought it up again as her reason for lallygagging all day with her (half!) speed school.... I pointed out We Are All Stressed! Little Miss Sunshine jumped on the band wagon and continued on the theme, when Sweet Potato spreads her stress to mom, it spreads to dad, and then trickles down to her.  Well on the whole she didn't appreciate it.  

We all decided "stress" isn't like manure and isn't necessarily a good thing to spread around.  I realized having to call the ACA (Obama Care) with out a web connection or knowing where all the documents are but knowing I need to make this call asap. It only took an hour or so but I was so stressed.  Sitting at the DMV thinking of all the lost time, because thankfully I realized my license will expire soon... so much easier to renew than replace. Sadly I was correct when I got home Sweet Potato did not self start, but she did do her self care. Which she pointed out with firmness.

In my quiet time before my day started I really thought why are we so unconnected. I realized in my desire to:
make her happy
be the loving kind mom
The respected mom got lost some where in-between the the closed door to her room and the iPod in her ears.

Then she hands me a perfect reason to limit them... Ha-ha-ha.  I caught her sleeping on her bed when she was supposed to be studying. Late nights, worry, not enough exercise, and peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast will do that to you.  So her door went open, the iPod given a time allotment in the evening, and she had to do her work where I could see her.  I also called her on every occasion she showed disrespect, lots of do overs and try it again cupcake came out of my mouth today.

Thank Goodness! One of the neighbor girls stopped by to ride bikes "After School." That was the impetus she needed to finish her school and come to dinner with a smile ready to talk... Did I move dinner time to accommodate her, Yes did she deserve it.. No,  but isn't that what grace is for.

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