From Grief to Grace

Life just overwhelmed me, as I sat there asking my husband to talk to Sweet Potato because everything seems to be a fight these days.  We discussed the regression and how we can parent her though it. Her not being present, not connecting, but at least she wasn't causing trouble, just being odd. She has lost her Grandmother, her friends she's moved into a new house, life is hard.  A wave of grief swept over me, poignant pain, how I wished I could call my mom and just have her listen. I sobbed like a lost child into the pillow. My knight being the strong silent type got me tissues and waited for this episode to pass.  Eventually the gentle rubbing on my back brought me up for air.  The pain, the ache subsides once more and I go back to my life as a wife, a mom... the official unpacker of boxes.

When I try and talk to Sweet Potato about her disruptive behavior, the continual push back, she says "But I'm stressed"... at dinner tonight when she brought it up again as her reason for lallygagging all day with her (half!) speed school.... I pointed out We Are All Stressed! Little Miss Sunshine jumped on the band wagon and continued on the theme, when Sweet Potato spreads her stress to mom, it spreads to dad, and then trickles down to her.  Well on the whole she didn't appreciate it.  

We all decided "stress" isn't like manure and isn't necessarily a good thing to spread around.  I realized having to call the ACA (Obama Care) with out a web connection or knowing where all the documents are but knowing I need to make this call asap. It only took an hour or so but I was so stressed.  Sitting at the DMV thinking of all the lost time, because thankfully I realized my license will expire soon... so much easier to renew than replace. Sadly I was correct when I got home Sweet Potato did not self start, but she did do her self care. Which she pointed out with firmness.

In my quiet time before my day started I really thought why are we so unconnected. I realized in my desire to:
help
please
make her happy
be the loving kind mom
The respected mom got lost some where in-between the the closed door to her room and the iPod in her ears.

Then she hands me a perfect reason to limit them... Ha-ha-ha.  I caught her sleeping on her bed when she was supposed to be studying. Late nights, worry, not enough exercise, and peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast will do that to you.  So her door went open, the iPod given a time allotment in the evening, and she had to do her work where I could see her.  I also called her on every occasion she showed disrespect, lots of do overs and try it again cupcake came out of my mouth today.

Thank Goodness! One of the neighbor girls stopped by to ride bikes "After School." That was the impetus she needed to finish her school and come to dinner with a smile ready to talk... Did I move dinner time to accommodate her, Yes did she deserve it.. No,  but isn't that what grace is for.

Trust but Verifiy

I was looking back at some old posts seems people read my blog even from years ago... I was being bad and looking at my stats. A old post was suddenly very popular, which got me reading my blog. Ha ha ha this really is my online journal you're just reading my musings. 

I was looking at a post from 2 years ago where I was starting the process of Sweet Potato's medications becoming her responsibility.  I made a side note that it would probably take 3-4 years to get her to a place of being responsible. The process hasn't stopped I'm still working on this area in her life. She takes quiet bit of medication, and much of it makes her feel uncomfortable.  The salt water she breaths in really helps her cough deeply.. but who wants to cough deeply for 20 mins a day, twice a day?  Ow!

I'm seeing that I really did set a reasonable expectation in my blog post and it was a good reminder to read it today.  My expectation was 3-4 years before I would be able to be at the "trust but verify" stage of watching over her medications. We still have months where I go to switch out her inhaler and its got a few to many doses left. (Yes bad mommie! no doughnut for me!)  But 2 years into it I am seeing her ask for her medication, going and getting it out of the closet where it is kept on her own. I'm even finding her cleaning up all the plastic vials every once in a while. Tidying her area without being asked. All good things.

In fact at this time there is no "FIX" for her disease. Only lots of hard work, being uncomfortable, taking medications, eating right, exercising and sadly not being able to do all the things you want to do.

Sometimes our children just take longer to process things, we as parents want to Fix it right now, make it better right away... kiss the boo boo and all is well... but our children have deep hurts, a kiss sure helps but it won't fix it.

Mom's Grounded...

I've been using a new tool in my parenting tool box. It's a modified time-in... I call it Mom Grounded... because it feels like I'm the one being grounded ha ha ha ha. But seriously folks it's been working amazingly well.  It is similar to the Time-in model where when you are not connecting with your child, so you wait for them to calm down, feed them, water them, then talk to them... In the teen years I'm not finding this as effective, she can sit on that couch for hours if need be.

Instead of grounding her to her room, or the house, or taking away her iPod, I "Mom Ground" the teen. This means they need to spend all their time with me, doing what I'm doing, after their chores and schoolwork is finished.  It's not easy, as you the parent have to also spend all this extra time with your teen. On the other hand hey you get to spend a lot of time with your teenager.  

What I have discovered while implementing this discipline:
The teen eventually stops being mad about it...
get their work done faster because you are on hand to help.
actually don't complain when you decide to watch a Nova or a Nature because hey the T.V. is ON whoo hoo! 
help you do your work kind of like how a cat helps, but hey they are helping.
and while you are both sitting doing the mundane tasks of housework about 3 hours in... they start to talk.

They talk about their friends and their struggles, they ask your advice, they ask embarrassing (to them) questions, they find out funny things about you and laugh. Best of all you both remember how much you love one another.

We All Need a Little Respect.

I've been trying to implement 2 pieces of advice that we received during our TBRI training. Part of me thinks that during implementation they appear to be contradictory. I must be doing some of it right because she is now consistently coming to me for comfort asking for help, and seeking loving touch. 

The first one is; Stop bad behavior at the source by requiring respect.  Respect is the key, any and all disrespect is jumped on not allowed. It really is the beginning of all bad behavior. When we treat each other with respect bad behavior just disappears. It really works!  I've totally stolen Mike and Amy's line "Can you say that in a respectful tone of voice?"  I think I must have said that 20 times the first day back from Allume, and 10 times the second day back. It's quite funny as most her responses the first day back was "No I can't." upon which I replied "Maybe you should reconsider saying it." or I gave her a polite way to say what she was trying to express.

The second thing I have been working on is being Sweet Potatoes cheerleader. So often in our relationships with our adopted children they feel like they cannot be loved because birth mom "gave them up" "abandoned them" they feel deep down inside there must be something wrong with them.  This shows up in relationships as behavior that pushes people away rather than drawing them in.  This has been so hard this last week because of what I have dubbed the one thing leading to another principal.

I grab the Ipad to watch some Netflix while I work on handmade Christmas presents. I find it is on youtube. Ergo someone was using the Ipad for access to youtube, and the last person to use it was Sweet Potato.  I don't let my kids watch youtube, have you seen the risque positions they put legos in? So I sit down and have a talk with Sweet Potato who admitted to not playing minecraft but instead as soon as no one was watching switching over to youtube and looking up celebrities.  Now for all of you who think I'm being a helicopter mom... the conversation led to her being upset that she found in her words "Gross pictures of Legolas" and "I want to watch the movie White Hot with Mark Hamill in it."  When in reality the movie is called The Big Red One, and she's never expressed an interest in WWII history before how odd...

So after that discussion I return to my project and Netflix only to discover shows Mom has declared off limits were watched during our absence. *sigh* can I just go bang my head against a wall.  Checking with the sitters, one of them was agast as the girls assured her they were mom approved shows they were Disney shows, they weren't disgusting... or anything. The main problem being, is when my children observe these shows the themes of parents learn lessons from children, father figures who are bumbling idiots that can't find their own toes without help, and parent acknowledges the child's superiority of intellect, money management, behavior, open mindedness etc. seeps into their hearts. They actually start to say and act out the lines from the shows.  Which brings us back to Mom having to jump on bring into the light all disrespect. So back out I go to chat with both my children about character issues...

How much work did I accomplish on my Christmas project??? next to nothing, but hopefully I got through to my childs heart.

Taking Care of Mom or We must Retrench!

Last week the chatter on the HOD boards was about ME TIME, how to get it and do we need it. Don't we all think as Supermom Christians  we're never supposed to be sad, depressed, worried, burned out, selfish, or backslide!  We tend to display to the world a exemplary life "having it altogether" That  Really my life is fabulous motif  hahahaha!!!   How many of us have sat through sermons exhorting us to a strong spiritual life leaning daily on the Holy Spirit and then go home to a emotional and physical mess and think "I'll never make it".  At Irving Bible Church last night they had a great speaker. His name is Rett Smith, But oh my goodness he was such a babe in arms! He even opened with Yes I'm sooo young what can I possibly know to help you. Too funny! 

Over all his message was good. I think if he read Bondage Breaker his message about anxiety would change a wee bit. But he was right on in so many places!  Overall he affirmed to me. We are going the right direction with Sweet Potato.  Now if ever a child is anxious it is Sweet Potato... We all have fears in our lives, but she is a child living in perpetual fear. When she is not afraid, she picks a new thing to be afraid about. Unless she is having to much fun to be bothered. She is afraid of grey clouds because they might turn green and then it's a tornado.   I used to be afraid a volcano would grow up in the back yard and start spewing lava everywhere.  So I understand where irrational fears come from. Even rational fear need not make one anxious forever, for example: I was once in a bee swarm and got covered in stings. I have a rational fear of bees, but after 25 years I no longer jump up and run away.  I'm back to "It won't bug you, if you don't bug it." and only hyperventilating for a minute or 2. We don't have to live stuck to our anxiety.  Rett Smith said just because kids are good at 38 things does not mean they need to be involved in 38 things. It creates to much anxiety, then he quietly said:

• "Kids should be involved in one thing at a time." 

Think about that for a minute.  How much time would you as a Mom gain if your kids were only in one Hobby at a time?  How much family time would you gain? If you have a family of 3 with kids in just 2 different things. You could be looking at getting in the car and driving to 6 "activities" a week, add in bible study, or Awana, play dates, sleepovers and what is left for you and your family?

I know self sacrificing to the point of burn out does no one any good. Yes I see Heroes of the faith standing up and living a life of sacrifice above and beyond human ability.

• I also learned these heroes of the faith have a prayer life often 4 hours long.
  That is a heck of a lot of alone time! 
• How can we continue to pour out if we don't pour into ourselves?  

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got as a parent was from my sister. "When your expectations are too high, Lower Them."  the next great piece of advice I heeded was from Thompson's book "When Love is Not Enough"  It told us to look in the mirror and if we resembled the image Which I did, to ask ourselves "If I was a child would I want to be parented by that?"  And she also recommended Retrenching: Reduce or diminish (something).  In our case we removed Girl Scouts, Dance Class, and Gymnastics from our activities to focus on our child who needed more Mom and Dad time and less be all you can be time. 

Rett quoted  Mark 12 28-31
²⁸ One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I loved how he used this verse to show how Jesus wants us to take care of first things first. This is the part where you fill up your jug before you go and pour it out on your family and others. I loved looking up at his slide and saying YES, this is what I have found to work! He broke it up in to 4 parts

• Heart: Keeping your spirits up, Coffee with a friend, Date nights with your man. 
• Soul: Keeping close to God, Personal retreats, Quiet time, Praying together.
• Mind: Keeping mind sharp, Hobbies, Non fiction books, learning new things.  
• Body: Keeping your body fit: Exercise, eat healthy food. 

All these pieces of the puzzle will enable us to be strong, and pour ourselves back out into our families and the body of Christ. Often to have the time to do these things we need to say No. Saying no to teaching a class, or saying no to our child because the event is to late, to far, to much. It also allows us to say, Yes to game nights with friends, walks to the playground, time of wonder to sit and just be or just think, for kids to sit and swing. Time to walk the dog and chat with the neighbors, to lay outside and look at the clouds with your child.

Yes if your child is fabulous at Soccer put him in Soccer, but you don't have to be the soccer mom 5 times in a row. Really if you don't do it someone else will rise to the occasion,  or you just bring your own drinks for your own kidlet, its really not as enormous as its chalked up to be.  He doesn't have to play both seasons, if he wants to take a painting class let him drop soccer for a season. involvement is great, but not if you are all to tired to enjoy each other at the end of the day.

So go ahead try it, say no till your kid is down to one thing, take time to have coffee with a friend, take a nap, gaze at the stars, walk to the park and enjoy a more sedated paced life.

Just Go to BED!!!

Ever have one of those nights where your slacking and the kids are still up... it's way past their bed time and you realize; "They must go to bed now! Or I may end up in the funny farm."  Yup I had that kinda night.

My Knight in Shining Armor is really awesome he puts them to bed most nights.  When we first adopted I was working from home and I typically worked 7pm to 11pm. Thus he got into the habit of putting the child to bed. I have carefully nurtured this habit for a decade.

Tonight was a different story, work followed  him home today. It happens, we usually roll with the punches and carry on. Alas Sweet Potato did something with the right intentions but with bad results. I ended up helping her make a cloth book cover to fix her sisters quiet time journal, she accidentally "ruined." Bed time routine got delayed. I also felt it would behoove me to make a cover for Sweet Potatoes journal. I know the green eyed monster will rear it's ugly head as soon as she figures out her sisters QT journal is prettier than her plain old one. So I took the 20 minutes now, to stave off hideousness later.  I think this falls under the High Nurture part of I.D.E.A.L. parenting.  It was the last thing I wanted to do but I knew I needed to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that Sweet Potato is in no way a princess. How did I come to this conclusion you ask??? Well after I had managed to get them clothed in PJ's, snacks eaten, teeth brushed, hugs and kisses delivered, a drink of water given, Daddy is now required to pray with them before they can go to sleep.  Alas the room was in need of some clean up. A full morning working at the cafe, followed by a full day of school apparently means while we were away a tornado hit just their room.

I check on the mess Daddy is concern about and, yes it qualifies as a fire hazard.  A 5 minute room rescue is in order. I step out to let them work magic on their room. You know stuff all clothing in corners hide books under the bed...


Upon my return I note the classic pile and hide technique was employed by Sweet Potato. It was all I could do not to bust out laughing. A 2.5 foot hump was at the end of her bed covered in a bright yellow poke-a-dotted blanket.  I pulled off the blanket and I found
4 pairs of jeans (clean)
4 pairs of shorts (clean)
2 pairs of shorts (dirty)
3 pairs of undies (questionable)
1 pair of leggings (clean)
a kitchen towel (huh?)
a bath towel (dry!)
coloring book
a Nancy Drew (now dog eared)
2 Star Wars graphic novels (fair condition)
1 set of pajamas (questionable)
1 adult slip (how did that get in here?)
3 blankets (assorted sizes) and yes we keep our house at 80 in the hot summers these are a necessity!!!

While sitting on the bed folding and sorting and making her put things away, I find something sticking into me... So I commence dissecting her bed.

Anyone who can sleep with the following IN her bed cannot possibly pass the Princess Pea Test.
6 leggo pieces ranging from Darth Vaders head to a 3x5 building plate.
4 pens
2 pencils (Sharp!)
2 markers (caps were on!)
3 Journals
1 3 ring binder
7 stuffed animals
4 blankets (including the weighted blanket) note were up to 7 blankets.
2 LIBRARY!!! books Yippie Found!!! (that are not allowed to be in her bed room for fear of them being eaten by the dog.) Why that dog loves library books is beyond me, but he cannot resist them! 
1 flashlight (batteries dead)
3 full size pillows (hello 2 of these are the guest pillows! No Dog Hair allowed!, needs must wash these now.)
and 4 pairs of undies... (now I know why she can't find any underwear.)

I have not been able to stop giggling as I write this, I'm sure my mom found as much stuff, if not more in my bed at various times in my life. I am absolutely positive, it was super uncomfortable, but since she managed to sleep without complaint she cannot be a princess. :-P

A change of tactics

Many nights Sweet Potato talks to the wall. Since I've been known  to model this behavior I'm not surprised.. OH wait did it just tell you all I talk to the wall... himm I guess I did oopsie!  Shhhhh don't tell anyone... Only thing is, she talks, and talks, and talks, and her sister can't sleep. She is keeping her self awake and that can lead to over tiredness and a less than optimal night of sleep, followed by a less than optimal day.

Many Many times I have asked her to stop talking and go to sleep, sad to say it continued.  The nigh time talking has even been known to escalate when desisting has been requested.   I've been know to sneak up on the door and say "Ah ha caught you talking when you are supposed to be sleeping!"  and when its so loud I can hear it in the other room, I've been known to get annoyed...


Yelling "Child I CAN HEAR YOU! "  from the living room is probably not my best choice of parenting styles for an auditory processing challenged child. Have I mentioned recently I'm not perfect... :-P 

So Saturday night I tried a completely new tactic. I walked in willing to sacrifice my time and let her stay up if that is what she needed. Sat on her bed and said "Do you need someone too talk to Sweet Potato?"  She didn't. She did tell me she was just going over all the things she had done that day. So I talked to her any way about all the fun exciting things she got to do that day with Aunti R.  We're talking Hair straightening and Nail polish and Movies woo hoo...  Not at all my idea of an exciting day but hey I'm not 12 either...   I rubbed her back (her favorite) and then asked what I could do to help her be quiet enough to fall asleep, since she didn't need a person to talk to.

"Mom can I have the Steven Green songs on?"  Of course Sweetie.
Woo hooo that only took 5 minutes and quiet fell over the room. Till she started snoring he he he ...  Now if every night could be that easy.

Empowered to Connect

I love how Karen ended the conference today. The last words were so encouraging.  She was answering questions that had been submitted and apparently lots of parents were feeling less than their best (I know I certainly was). A whole pile of question cards were about how as parents we have messed up our kids and done everything wrong in our parenting style.  Have we destroyed our children for ever?

Karen answered with "Unless you are a parent of a child less than 72 hours old, or alien spawn. You have made mistakes parenting. Welcome to the human race."   That put a smile on my face and brought back perspective. She continued with, how asking forgiveness and admitting your at fault with your child will put $1,000,000.00 into your child's trust bank, and talked about how scar tissue is stronger when it has healed.

So often as adoptive parents we hear from those who think they know our situation:  "Love is enough,"
"Once he knows he's a Jones he will settle down."
"She will forget her difficulties/past/birth parents and be ok now."
"You need to put your child's past behind them."
"You would think things that happened when she was 1, she would be over now that she is 12."

I love how Karen deals with this ideology.... If your birth child had been kidnapped for 2 years and then after you had spent thousands and thousands of dollars to find them, and they are returned to you... How would you view them? As parents we need to remember any separation from birth parent is Trauma to a child. If we can hold on to the compassion we would have for a child that had experienced kidnapping, we will do well.

In doing so, we as adoptive parents have to be fully invested above and beyond the birth parent model. The high nurture and high structure model is not for wimps.  Birth parenting books will not always help a child who's age is 8 but the behavior displayed is 4.  I can't tell you how many times I told my Sweet Potato at age 8 to "act your age." I was so frustrated and really down on myself as a parent.  Constant embarrassment because your child is not acting "normal" does that to you.

Today was full of highs and lows as I could see all the things I was doing right in my parenting, therapy and realizing Sweet Potato has made huge leaps since age 8.  We have the train moving in the right direction. Seeing my failures and areas I need to improve in, like how often I derail the train because her trust bank with me is not as high as it needs to be.

Ahh well I'm the "big" person in this equation and I can handle it right? :-)
^{Philippians 4:13} I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
I need to not forget this is a Journey we are on that will last until I see heaven.  We will never arrive at "fixed" just as no child birthed or adopted is ever "fixed" by their parents.  I need to enjoy the trip. 

Oh NO not THE DRAWER again...

Ever notice how tape gets legs and wanders into your kids bedroom and then manages to loose half of itself in big rolls of messy taped stuff everywhere.  Earlier today I was looking for the tape. Little Miss Sunshine said well mom maybe its in Little M's drawer.   (It's her special drawer.)  I open the treasure trove and find... a Super Secret project Little Miss Sunshine is doing for me.  I'm doing my best to pretend doesn't exists so she can surprise me later with it. The book Little Miss Sunshine has been looking for for the last 2 days, and a purple princess shirt that no longer fits her.  None of these things are Little M's stuff...

Little M suffered an immediate loss of a grace token, and a repetition of the Why We Don't Steal talk. An amusing side note when I asked her why she took this stuff. She told me she covenanted it...  Oh Man I'm still smiling over that one... I said in a happy voice "Ooo  you made a special promise to your sister? Wow great what did you promise her."  She wasn't amused But LMS was. No Mom covenanted  it!! I wanted it so I took it. Ohhh you stole it because you coveted it??  Yes I want nice things too. Now she has plenty of things that start out nice, but degrade rapidly in her presence. She's one fantastic catalyst.  After some discussion she got to keep the out grown purple princess shirt since she was saying it made her feel safe. Everything else had to be returned to owner.

This evening I was not surprised when she was having a hissy fit that her sister stole her Water Bottle.  That whole imputing on others, the feeling we ourselves feel, coming into play. So Mom says "Hey look at the time!!! Your 10 min late to bed scoot! scoot! I will look for the missing water bottle."

I think the Holy spirit works over time in my house. I really do, It's not really mommy radar it's God tapping me on the shoulder saying Hey look at that... go look in here. Check on the kids. I think they are alive today because God has assigned us extra guardian angels to watch over us.  One just changed my ENT appointment from the morning where I was double booked, to the one spot in the afternoon I had open that day. It was on my list of things to do this morning and I wasn't able to do any of that list today.

I went and  looked for water bottle in the last place she had hidden it. Yup you guessed it -THE DRAWER.  Nope it wasn't there... I'm thinking I should take pictures of The Infamous DRAWER. She's at it again. *sigh* A handy wall got a few head bangs for good measure. Can you guess what I found in the drawer this time?  Well it looks like she took a really wet soap and rubbed the insides. Shall we give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to clean it... Ahh don't bother  she already confessed... but... because on top of the big mess of dried soap scum is half a tube of sunscreen. I don't think I'll be assuming anything. It's bad to assume, facts are so much more factual.

The Infamous Drawer

So I go to get her up out of bed yet again so I can do the whole quiet parenting thing and just make her look at it. Behold!!!! before I get to the door, a crying child comes flying out of the bed room. Oh my Little Miss Sunshine Crying? it happens really. Mom shes being so mean and Shushing me whaaaaaaa... Wait let me get this straight your in bed the light is off your supposed to be trying to go to sleep and YOUR talking??? (Weeeeeee some misbehavior woo hoo oh wait will non-adoptive parents understand that it is a reason for rejoicing.) But since I can only handle once crises at a time I say Go sleep on the couch.  Huge smile child runs off happy problem momentarily solved, and yes I can deal with it tomorrow.

Little M come here... Not even dealing with the whole meanness to sister, I point her head in the direction of THE DRAWER. "I didn't Do IT!" she yells...  So I took her to the grace tokens and pulled one for tomorrow.  For wreaking stuff and then lying about it.  Now I took a peek in that drawer yesterday and last night at 1AM I heard her open this drawer and then close it. Earlier today they had 2 soaps on the bathroom sink, girls girls you can share a soap and tooth paste it's not hard, just no sharing of the tooth brushes. I moved soap to the shower which had none, when I picked up the soap I noticed it had bits of particle board stuck to it.. Really I should have been a CSI investigator.

We had yet another talk about heart issues, and she started crying that her heart hurts. Oh thank Heaven, praise the Lord, Grief!!! Yeah Grief!!! true Honest Grief! She cried  for an hour clinging to me like I was a rock in a storm. What??? A hug! Seeking comfort From Big Bad Meal ol Mommy??? Whoa Nellie!!!  I of course wept as well when did I turn into such a watering pot? She needs to cry all the rocks out of her heart. We don't listen to pop music and she certainly doesn't read twaddle. So when she tearfully said "Mom I think my heart is broken." She didn't mean she lost her non existent boyfriend, but rather she sees such messy ugly sadness in her heart and it is truly broken, that it doesn't work right. Loss of a birth family will do that. This child's grief is profound and bound up to much in her heart. I told her to cry it all out and when it gets full again she needs to cry it all out some more, but it will heal if she chooses to let it. It may not stop hurting forever but it will heal.

I'm wondering if  the stealing, the lying, and the destruction is a direct result of the praise I lavished on her yesterday. I did say I was ready for it. Ahh the 2 steps forward and 1 and a half back life I lead.

Not the water again!

Someday's I wish I were a fly on the wall of my kids room in the morning. Today I was wakened to the stomping of my husband feet. He clumped into the room to wake me up, all discouraged and down.  Now that is no way to go off to work!  You see last night I wanted the get the girls used to Daddy not waking them up more independence and use their alarm clock to wake up.  Because I'm  to lazy and grouchy  really tired in the mornings and I just can't handle the drama have Sarcoidosis as my excuse.   Sleep is very important to keeping it in remission don't you know. 

So the alarm went off Little Miss Sunshine hopped out of the upper bunk and turned the alarm off.  Little Miss Grouchy she takes after her mother sat up, heard the alarm stop and plopped back down into bed.  I wonder where she learned that from?  Where upon she promptly fell back asleep. Or faked it really well! 


Little Miss Sunshine had a Little Miss Darkover moment, I've blogged about this before where she decides she needs Be the mama  to wake up her sister and pours water on her, because you know Mom sprinkles her with water I'll use a whole cup, it's faster. You know in 10 years this will be a hysterical anecdote at Thanksgiving dinner, but right now her sister was soaking wet in her P.J.'s and it's not even her fault this time.


My concern here is for Little Miss Sunshine's heart. She is so good and sooo perfect and sooo afraid if she isn't, she will be sent back to China. Although since the mischievous and down right bad behavior is on the rise, I have hope she is loosing that particular view on life.

I could see the issue was pride I have been watching it coming. Last week she gave me the wide eye look of "No Way!" when I told her her sister could help her with borrowing in math, when I was working in the cafe and couldn't stop to help her.  She didn't believe it.  I don't blame her, her sister plays the "Dumb Game" so often even I have to stop myself from playing along as well.  I could she she was setting her self up for a fall.  And like Kevin Lemen often says, Somedays you just have to pull the rug out from underneath them.   This morning I did that.

"Oh so since you are quicker/ faster/ better at doing things, You are the better person?" I asked with that Momma tone of "watch out how you answer" in her voice. "But I am!" didn't pop out of her mouth but her body was screaming it.  I was grinning from ear to ear inside, but outside I was firm with a hint of sympathy.  So because you figure it out right away and your sister has to WORK HARDER at getting the answer makes you better?  Who works harder you or Your sister?  Hey look life isn't fair.  After a long talk about the condition of her heart and a peek into the story of the prodigal son.  With whom I've always related too the stay at home son. Did I just say that out loud?

I assigned her the task of clearing up the messy bed and remaking it. With a firm injunction on no longer touching her sisters alarm clock.  You may NOT turn it off, because if you do she goes back to sleep! 


All this is done in hopes that when Daddy is gone he will be missed less. and Mommy still gets her extra 15 min of sleep in the morning.  

On the other hand doing discipline first thing has it benefits.
School went well today even tho we started 10 min late! DD2 is painting up some horses for a diorama of her DITHOR  book.  She is doing a fantastic job. DD1 got to have recess! since all her Morning work was done woo hoo...  All I have left is about 1 hour of Therapy and DD2 is doing a fine narration!

Another school day...

Last week Daddy was home on Monday, so we had no school Yippie! Friday rolled around and part of me wanted so badly to DO SCHOOL.. so we could start all fresh and clean with a new unit on Monday.

Isn't it funny on the boards I'm always telling other moms: "It's no problem to be on day 3 on Tuesday or day 4 on Monday."   Yet when it comes to practicing it... I still want my life in nice neat boxes.  I'm so drawn to Day 1 being Monday.  Of course a few doctor appointments and  a few mama "sick" days and we will be back on day 1 = Monday.   How funny Humanity is.  Ever think God is laughing at us and how we try to order our world?  I know I laugh at my self all the time.

Now I stuck with Friday being chore/fun day because Daddy is going to be traveling in the future. Since I have no experience with "Normal" family life... all I know is adoption/ developmentally delayed/ spectrum issues/ attachment parenting stuff... Messing up the now sacred schedule would probably equal a horrible school day.  So we stuck with the schedule.   Today DD1 had problems staying on task.  Holding her back from recess got her work finished.

Yesterday I asked her to be sure all her school stuff was in her school desk and things NOT of school were put away.  I talked to her about putting things away in the proper place helps her get her school work done on time and quickly.  She did it. The stuff she took out of that desk that was not school, filled a small tote.  Ha ha ha ha  She did it while "Dad" was watching her as he played his guitar.  You see I find it so funny is because Dad wanted me to give her a spot on MY! (note the selfish my) new book shelf.  Because she didn't have enough room in her desk for all her school stuff. Yet when all her "treasures" were put away there is plenty of room.

It was quite fun today... I asked DD1 to get out her math, her response "It's in YOUR room"  served up with a hint of snottiness and a dash of sardonicism.  To which my response was: Oh really, well go get it. Served up with one arched eyebrow a la spock of Star Trek fame. When she didn't find it there... nor in her desk... yet eventually found it in the therapy back pack where it does not belong... Just made me giggle inside, I mean ask politely if maybe she would like to try this again, or loose a grace token?  After a brief 2 sentence lecture on respect and how she doesn't look really reliable at this moment in time. Because ya know after 2 sentences you start sounding like the voice of the parents on peanuts cartoons Wahhnnt waaa wlaah.

We started afresh from Mom asking A~ please pull out your math work books. She looked me in the eye and said  "Mom I can't find it. Will you help me look for it?" Where upon "I said yes and pulled it out of her back pack."

This bore fruit later in the day! Her history book was missing as well and She actually asked for help the first time around when she needed to admit she couldn't find her book. Now that is Success!

Don't forget to post a comment over at Thomas School Blog She's giving stuff away :-)
http://thomasschooldays.blogspot.com/2011/09/big-plans-underway-12-days-of-christmas.html

Saturday Morning Bear

Ah yes another Saturday another story.

I'm feeling kinda sick and spent yesterday doing nothing of value. Since I was so uncomfortable hubby decided the couch would give him a better night sleep.  Sleeping with me last night was like sleeping with maracas. Yes you have my permission to feel sorry for him.  You can feel sorry for me too but I actually got sleep last night....

So round about 2:30 AM L gets up scared... her head itches so it must be lice! NOT!  So she crawls in A's bed. (what a reason to crawl into bed with your sister, "I think I have lice lets spread it around!!!")  L sleeps without covers and A sleeps under 3 blankets. Can you guess what happened next? L strips the bed of covers because she's hot. Poor A she's asleep fumbling around for her covers pulling them back up but they are stuck...    Nothing like a sleeping fist fight (you have heard of sleep walking and sleep eating now its sleep fighting)  to wake Daddy Up.   Then Daddy makes mistake Number 1, he tried to find out what happened. he asked "Why are you scared?" a few to many times.  And mistake Number 2 allows L to cuddle till she is asleep on the couch with him.  This doesn't work with L, if she is the least bit uncomfortable she wakes up. She also blames you for waking her up, when she does wake up. Oi Poor Daddy every time he got some shut eye L is checking to see if he is awake and that she is safe.  

I have found it is best to put a time limit on the cuddly wuddly time. Taking care of yourself is the best choice. When your kid keeps you up all night, your totally useless for them the next day. Being a totally useless half asleep growly parent doesn't breed confidence in your children.

I have had this happen  the all night I'm scared, and I don't know why nights. I'm so glad L is 6 and is a reasonable child. When I set out a  reasonable argument as to why Mama needs her sleep she accepts it.  Typically I use the  If Mama bear doesn't get enough sleep she is a grrrowly bear in the morning argument. Then I give her 15 min cuddly wuddly time and tuck her back in bed, with a prayer and a song and a strong stuffed animal, like the big bear or the lion.  Then we talk about how the animal will protect her from the imaginary monsters of the night. It is the silliest of ideas but to a child it is perfectly reasonable.  The monsters aren't real and the stuffed animal isn't really real so one can protect you from the other. 

So now we have a grumpy cries at the slightest perception of unrightousness (is that a word?) child and a hubby who has had 3 cups of Komoto Dragon coffee this morning to wake up. I'm really tempted to drop a big dictionary just to make them both jump.  Where as A and I are chipper and ready to face the day! Woo hoo!  

The one thing I have the hardest time dealing with is remembering that these children are traumatized and some times their fear is inarticulatable (is that a word too?). They cannot express what makes them afraid.  They don't want to re-live those horrible moments of being abandoned, or explore those feelings. I'm sure my illness and being sick brought about the fear in the night.  The loss these children have felt is a constant worry, no matter how well behaved and secure they seem there is a deep loss that only can be filled with the secure knowledge of the love of Jesus.  The trust issues in these children run deep.  

When L and I were talking this morning. I would not assure her I would always be "OK" because anything can happen and wreck our plans for our lives. She can be sure that I will do my very best to be "OK" and be her Mom for ever after.  Lets face it this kid most likely was told Daddy will be right back, just wait here for me, and he never came back.  Saying I will always be OK, sets up a paradigm for loss again and a lack of trust to be built.  Our lives are always on the edge of a knife.  How many times a day does God protect me from a poor driver or my own stupidity.  The smell of gas last week could have been an explosion, it wasn't and it was fleeting but accidents happen every day. I try not to make a promise I'm not sure I can keep. 

but it is NOT MY fault.

So i wake up this morning to beep, beep, beep, beep, well u get the idea. Now my half awake brain is telling me that it is not my alarm clock. Where could it be coming from? himm I wonder Hubby gets up and runs out of the room also in a fog. then the beeping becomes more incessant and turns into a ear penetrating siren. Now I'm fully awake and my head is hurting... ahh the sound is reduced... and blessedly stops. What could it be... I hear angry mumblings from my hubby outside and I go investigate.

My dd1 says but Mom I just was getting the calendar down for L. It's not my fault. yeah right... you sound like Eve honi... So when the whole story comes out. A is insisting its January L said no its not, yes it is, no its not... yada yada ... A climbs up on Moms comfy Ikea chair.. not the most stable piece of furniture. And grabs the calendar also while she is up there she discovers our house alarm. Which was disabled but set with a pin. She managed to convince it she was a burglar. L was soooo funny when I was telling them what it did and how it worked. L said "But Mom A is not a burglar doesn't it know that??"

So that was my Morning I'm wondering if having the alarm is worth it. So I don't pay as much for my home owners insurance.. but is it worth 50$ a year in savings when weighed against 2 hours of sleep... 4 divided by 50 is 12.50 himmm my sleep is worth way more than that... (I'm counting hubbys sleep time as well.)

I think the most fun this morning was watching my dd1 try her darndest to avoid getting in trouble. Responses like "I was doing it for her... I can't hear you, what did you say? I'm confused, I don't know, My ears are clogged, I don't understand." all of these were responses to just one question... "Was it fun to play with the alarm?" does she really think I'm buying what she is selling! lol Man o Man I ended up having to tell her if she wouldn't answer properly she could go be alone outside (yes in a safe place)... I'm sure glad the wind picked up and storm clouds blew in once that happened... Suddenly she was willing to come in and tell me the truth and answer all the questions with real answers not delaying look at me answers. ;-) Gotta love it when the Child's heart decides cooperation is the better part of valor.

So I'm thinking a good discipline is for her to clean an d check all the smoke detectors in the house. I mean since she loves to climb on counters, dryers, chairs, pianos. Why not learn to use a step stool properly. ROFL

Parenting should always be fun.