One Step At A Time

Things have been changing slowly in my mind. We checked out a life group last Sunday, and boy was it fun, homeschooled kids, foster parents, people we really could connect with. It was pretty awesome. As I'm going to homeschool park days, taking my kids to social events and classes, meeting people who I don't have to explain what a cob house is... I'm finding my mind has been so narrow so limited.

"Reaching the lost at any cost" as given me such a limited viewpoint. At the bible study we were discussing Proverbs 29:18 the verse about "without vision my people perish." It really struck me forcefully. Do I have a vision? For 12 years my mindset has been "I'm a lifer, I'll be a missionary till I die. Serving God and having purpose in my life."  But what about now... I actually broke down in the meeting. I have been so focused on the here an now for the last 6 months, do I have Gods vision for our future? I can look back and see Gods grace in having me be right where I am supposed to be.  But what is it the Lord has for me going forward?

Today the homeschooling adoptive parent and I planned on a park day for the kids, but alas the light drizzle altho warm, made us not want to hang out in the wet. So we went to Starbucks.  I love the free refills, our kids took over a table and played some game involving slapping cards. Sweet Potato kept winning... I suspect collusion on the part of her new friends. She was engaged and happy without texting. My kids are so happy they have  found a "normal" to us family that really enjoys spending time with them.

The mom and I had a good talk, but mainly I listened, so many similarities in our lives.  She too has been hurt by ministry... given an unrealistic time line to move out of ministry provided housing, experienced prejudice because of the families race, as well as completely able to commiserate on the foibles of being an adoptive mom.   I'm so blown away that God is giving me this opportunity to connect with someone who is hurting in the exact same way, but is further along in the healing process.   After 2 hours that seemed to fly by, we had to go and buy food for dinner, the kids hugged we talked about Sunday and went on with the rest of our day.

I feel a bit like Samwise Gamgee, unlike Frodo he didn't have a quest, he was pitchforked into the fellowship because he was in the right place at the right time. Where is my life going? What is the plan?  I am probably over thinking it and I just need to wait on the Lord.

Can you hear the anguish in my voice?

This is my response to a plea for prayer for disrupted adoptions. Which I agree we do need to pray for these terrible situations where the these wonderful children get "returned" and wounded even more deeply. My heart breaks for them.

Many adoptive parents get a bad bad bad case of "It won't happen to me." Or " I Have been a parent I don't need your training."  When given training or books to read, or new ideas to accept, they balk because "Adoption Should NOT be this HARD!" Which I have said many many times.
A child is placed and after its "official" the child difficulties grow exponentially.

I'm just going to tell it like it is, overall the church in America is judgemental and un-supportive. When faced with a adoptive parent in crises they judge or drift away.  When an adoptive parent tries all the "tried an true" methods of acceptable parenting... they don't work. When they reach out for help, they are viewed  as odd, over protective, or to harsh, and weird. We are often rejected not only by the outside world but also by friends and family. Thank God above not my family.  As the support for their family, their person, their faith crumbles about them... they feel like total and abject failures, and they look like failures from the outside too!   They are failing and they have no idea why!

 The more they try to love or correct the child the harder it gets. Social workers are limited, they are often overwhelmed with other cases and leave adoptive parents hanging in the wind. Your done, your on your own, once the child is placed and officially adopted the support for the family is often just no longer available. Not to mention the shame factor in all of this. Think about how much gumption it takes to reach out and seek help in the first place. Sacrificing pride and having to say this is a mess and I need help. When you often hear... "What you have problems?? but I thought the child should be grateful to have a family!" 

Finding a therapist that can help and see the issues from the perspective of "This is a traumatized child", NOT "This a parenting/family issue" is also extremely difficult.  Especially when the parents may not even realize that Trauma is what is truly the underlying issue. So even those that seek therapy just dig the hole deeper the more they try to help the worse it gets.

Can you hear the anguish in my voice? I have been in those places where life is so hard, nothing works. I have cried out for help and heard crickets from the church, and watched my friends drift away or become uncomfortable.  My family on the other hand was super supportive and kept telling me to stick with it, find an answer, keep pursuing the best for your family. I remember Karen S. coming to me in a day of need because God told her to. That support gave me hope and the desire to continue.  But what about families that hear "That child is pulling apart your family." "The child is the problem." "What have you gotten yourself into?" "I could never do what you are doing, I have no idea how you manage. I would have given up." "Don't you worry about the safety of your other/birth children." "Why are your bothering?" "Maybe they should be in an institution, since you can't handle them." Or my personal favorite "You know how hard this adoption stuff is and your doing it again?"   And yes some of these have been spoken to me directly, some have been spoken to dear friends of mine.

Having found Tapestry, Karen Purvis, TBRI Parenting and learned way more than I ever wanted to learn about sensory processing and the brain. We found hope and began to succeed, to connect with our "trauma" child. To see her heal and grow and thrive. Thank the Lord for supportive family, GFA, and the friends who listened and supported instead of running away because the situation looked awful.
Lately each week I'm with a set of like minded adoptive parents that...

•  Realize the tool box for disciplining a adoptive child is much much smaller than a birth child.  
• A group that realizes "normal" family life for your birth family is not "normal" in our adoptive family. 
• A group that realizes that what looks like defiance and rebellion may be a sensory issue creating a fear response. 
• A group that realizes a child's trauma and history may defines that child's reaction in any interaction. If you fail to remember it or are unaware of it chaos ensues. 

Having this support helps me stick with techniques that look like I'm rewarding bad behavior, and thus am I judged... When in reality I'm having compassion on my child or just feeding a need that causes the fear (and the bad behavior) to disappear. Personally I'd rather be judged by the world/church on my weird odd parenting and have a kidlet that connects to me. Than loose my child when they turn 18 because I cared more about how the world sees me, than I did about my relationship with my child.

Lets also think for a moment and realize it is more than just the parents, the traumatized children, or the system. Your reaction as the body of Christ does matter.  Take some time to pray also for:

• Families in crises, parents and children that are swamped, overwhelmed, hurting.  
• Parents that do not want to return their dream, their child but are so lost and hurt they see no other option for their life. 
• Children who have been disrupted and have lost hope. 
• Pray for those parents who are hanging on, as their world crumbles and support drifts away. 
• The OT, PT, Speech Therapists and Pediatricians that spot and identify sensory processing issues and help these children to heal. 
• For Karyn Purvis and David Cross as they chart the course of these new techniques that work!! 
• Pray for parents sticking it out, that they can bring their children to a place of felt safety and true healing. 

What Mom can compete with the Evil Twin

I talked to my sister last night and she came up with Evil Twin Mom title.

Yesterday was a a rough homeschooling day. One where everyone ends up crying and the principal is called in. I had to run errands in the afternoon and It's never fun when you have to bring school with you. I was having one of those days where I could tell the child was imputing some hurt or pain on to me.

Foolishly asking "WHY are you being this way????" only brought more grief to Mama.  Finding myself begin manipulated by the child yet again. while I'm driving  It just made me so doggone mad! So I did the safe thing and pulled over, parked in the shade and said "Look I pulled this beat right over!  Were gonna sit here for a bit so Mama can cool off."

I then went back to Karyn Purvis's scripts cause when we fail, it's best to just go back to the beginning and try again. Sweet Potato is so worth working though all these issues she's got.

I asked the age old question that always works.. "What will make this better?"  silence
"Do I need to apologize for something?
silence
but I wait for it..
and
Wait for it...

She looks at me and says "You won't like it."
Me: "I got big shoulders."

Long story short She has been carrying around a chip on her shoulder all day because I was mean.
You see She asked me (my evil twin) in her imagination, if she could do something.
My imaginary (evil twin) self told her "No". Wow she's got one wild imagination! Glad to see it developing after all these years. 

I told her to ask me the "real" Mom in the car with her at that moment.
SW: But you will say No...
Me: Try me just try me...
SW: Can I do XYZ?
Me: Yes when your school is finished of course.
SW: I can
Me: Sure if you have free time.
SW: Oh..
Me: So  you have been mad at me all day for something I didn't do?
SW: I suppose... yeah..
Me: I'd like an apology.
SW: sorrrrry

I'd like to point out this is not a good apology. She is not using her words, she is not owning up to her fault.

At this point I made her redo the apology and I told her what I needed her to say. I knew that was the fastest and easiest way to get it over and done, so we could move on from this awful place we have been living in all day.

I'm reminded of Corrie Ten Boom, when she was asked for forgiveness by a Nazi guard. She didn't want to give it, but she did say the words because it is what God wanted for her. Then after she had said it, the feelings came.  I think this is really an important step to do in parenting. Even if she doesn't say it like she means it, right now. The feelings of being forgiven will come, I think that is most important, when you are angry at someone it hurts you far more than it hurts the person you are angry at.

CTC Unit 5 Week in Review

This week we had 2 digit X 2 digit math problems, I found a few holes in Little Miss Sunshine's math. I'm glad of all the techniques Singapore has to do the math mentally, but I have to admit I plugged her back into Rapid Recall, since each problem took 7 minutes to complete for either of my girls. One because she was just messing with me and the other because she was counting up or doing a number line for each individual multiplication step. I love Rapid Recall it is fantastic for training the children to learn the math facts. Also when the math facts become automatic it makes them so dog gone happy.  It is only 7 minutes a day and after 10 weeks if they have not achieved mastery you can repeat it.  So If your kid is quick they can memories all 4 sets of math facts in less than one year. 

Our Robert Frost paintings. 

 Sweet Potato although terrified of thunderstorms, continues to put lighting bolts on her paintings. Because mom they are super awesome and I love lighting bolts.  

My girls being Whirling Dervishes   

Whirl, Whirl ,Whirl    

Hey mom I'm not dizzy!

Keeping one foot flat on the floor really does help you not get dizzy!

Note booking pages

Science, Little Miss Sunshine made the clay and forgot she used up all the salt in the house so they had to share the one lump of dough. Little Miss used a tooth pick to make the tracks while Sweet Potato impressed them into the clay like tracks. They started to dispute amongst themselves as to which was the better technique.  I love using humor to pop them out of bad behavior. I hollered at them "Girls! Girls! you're both pretty!"  It's a phrase from Mega Mind, one of our favorite movies.  They both cracked up laughing. If you have never seen it here is a clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmFXEcI_AA4

This week was tough, homeschooling often makes me frustrated and stressed, rarely does it make me cry. Blogging about it really helped, talking to my mom also helped. I often write posts that I never publish they are unfinished, or just pity parties. They act like a trigger journal for me. When I'm thinking straight I can go back and reread them I see patterns and what is triggering the bad behavior, I spot the days when I've been manipulated. It's very helpful and I can tell I have a lot of growing to do :-)

Thursday I worked in the cafe for the morning, I tasked them with getting all independent work completed before the afternoon. After lunch I set the timer, I controlled my desire to rabbit trail, and taught them the subject matter till it was done, or the timer went off. Anything not completed was declared "homework" and will be done after chores and before free time.  It was sooooooo freeing. After I had taught all my bits I got up took care of my sick Knight in Shining Armor, set aside my teacher hat and put on my helpful Mom hat.

I enjoyed Thursday far more than any other day this year. :-) No tears, no whining, no pity parties, no yelling! Thank's God for helping me. :-) he does answer prayers. 

CTC Unit 4 in review

So we had a lot of fun this week, were still schooling around the kitchen table. 

Little Miss Sunshine tried to make them all uniform sizes.
We used an envelop to store the yarn and straw pieces for the second day.  

This fine motor skill was a bit of a chore for Sweet Potato,

but she she finally managed to get all those straw beads on the yarn. 

The water color this week was super fun, I do like the wet paper painting. 

I do not know how I managed to have flat bread (It's Indian Naan)
Yogurt, almonds, white cheese, figs, and raisins in the house.
But I'm sure glad we did! 

They even tried to use dishes that would have been available in ancient times.
Ceramic cups and bowls in earth colors. 

They really got into it, and raided my closet of Indian Salwar Chemise's.

They were going for the authentic look. 
Although I don't think girls were shepherd's back then... 

 The science experiment... they cut up a cardboard box to back their cougars.
I found a deer illustration and printed it out for them

Um Mom what happens when the cougar doesn't land in the square?

Here is my masterpiece, I really enjoyed this project. It is fun to play with paint again!

 Notebooks are so beautiful Little Miss Sunshine chose Joseph's coat.

Sweet Potato picked Rachael dying in child birth.

You just can't guess what will resonate with your child. I think Sweet Potato doesn't understand grief. Looking back on this unit. I had much trouble getting her to complete her work in a timely manner. I wonder if the loss of Rachael in the story triggered the oppositional behavior, unwillingness to work, and extreme dawdling she displayed this week. She has to deal with the grief and loss of her first family, seemingly lurking in her mind just waiting to ambush her. I think it overwhelms her. I'm glad school gave her an opportunity to explore it in a safe way. 

I could have done without the chip on the shoulder it brings!!! I felt like a wash rag wrung out and hung out to dry by Friday night. I keep telling My Knight in Shining Armor to say "It will get better." instead of "Oh you poor thing." I find if I start traveling down that road of "poor me" I loose all perspective. I become selfish, no longer a help-meet, but rather a helpless me. It's a slippery slope, school is a joy and a sorrow it is REAL LIFE played out in my living room. I have to admit, I'm am glad to see them go to bed at 9pm and have the quietness, peace, and silence of my husband. 

Connecting

After a pretty lax first day of school, working at the ministry, some emails for the ministry, and more school, I hopped out to water my gasping garden. Imagine my disappointment when I realized the birds had gotten all the ripe tomatoes. Booo Hoo! Bad Birds!!! Off to Rosemeade Market  I went to get tomatoes for homemade salsa.

The kids wanted to come with me, so I let them. I love my new to me car in that, the passenger side air bag turns off when a kid sits in the front seat. Sweet Potato asked "Can I sit in the front with you?" I said "Yes!"  oo getting in an extra yes today. Off we went, we saw our favorite cashier behind the counter and got a deal on red bell peppers .99 cents each!

As were driving back home I change to an oldies station. Normally I keep it on the Christian radio station because the music is so awesome, but lately they have been running so many boring commercials.  I notice Sweet Potato is pouting because apparently she doesn't like rock n roll. Does this mean I get an A+ in Christian parenting? On comes the song More Today Than Yesterday... sitting at a long light Little Miss Sunshine and I are car dancing to the music. Yes I have one eye on the road and the light!  So were being silly, Sweet Potato is looking out the window ignoring her weird family, but we start singing the song to her. She looks up at us, glances and looks away then looks back, starts to giggle. I love how most of this song fits how much I love her.
"Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow" 
The whole chorus can just be sung over and over at her.  I loved how she broke out of the "You Guys are so WEIRD" thing and just enjoyed being sung at till the light turned green. I could tell I was connecting and she was accepting my love, my words, Yippie.  You know who cares if the person in the car next to me thinks I'm as nutty as a squirrel. Being goofy with my kids makes me approachable something I need work on, not to mention it is also very fun.

I.D.E.A.L Parenting Baby Steps

Wednesday I really chose to pick my battles. Sweet Potato had yet another Doctor appointment. Yippie we get to go to the ENT weeeeeeeeee!!!  This was supposed to be a routine check up a just to make sure nothing is infected and her ears are clear of thick nasty fluid.  NOT!

Before we went the kids were reenacting songs from the Broadway Musical Cats. Little Miss Sunshine made cat tails "Like we did in China mom!."  Sweet Potato really does an excellent job of acting cat like. She can really emote feline.  So were 20 minutes to take off (leaving for the doctor) and the child is still in cat outfit.  I ask myself; is it modest?  check  Do I care that she is wearing a tail? nope Should I make her go out in public dressed properly? NAAAAAA.  I went out to my garden and checked on my peas and there were little leaves sprouting yeah!

I came back in unaware that in those few minutes Daddy picked that battle. And since she is a well trained child she said "Yes Dad" and took off her tail...  But sad to say her heart wasn't in the right place after that.  She used her actions to show her resentment.

13 minutes later I'm doing the last call shoes purses lets go to the ENT yippie! (they always have stickers and lollipops.) Can you believe it Sweet potato is changing her outfit... OH NO! this will take Forever (say it with a valley girl accent for proper effect).  Yup we were late to the Doctor and had to wait extra long.  Daddy was not a happy camper as we waved good bye 10 minutes later.

I took a longer view... its not my appointment its hers if she wanted to be on time she would have been. She is very smart when it comes to things like this. But what I do know is Dad + Late = Disrespect.  Then it all comes out at dinner. She was mad and wanted everyone else to be mad too. So the whole I have to Change  2 minutes before we have to leave was so on purpose!  Why?? because she couldn't wear the tail... Oh the Drama of it all *giggle* I just want you to all know I totally deserve and love this child :-) 

This was an excellent opportunity to use a redo, ask for a compromise, and talk about why we use our words not our actions to tell how we feel. Not a day I'd say we as parents "won" but a good day in practicing the pieces. As a step in our journey I'd say one of us stumbled and the other caught them. Marriage should be like that :-) Next time It will be my turn to fall down.

You Can Never Have Enough Socks

So a few years ago when Sweet Potato went to school, getting her ready for the car pool was always a challenge. Why you ask??  Because she never had any socks. Now as a Rocky Mom I really didn't care if she wore socks or not.  Apparently teachers especially Gym teachers expected socks on my child's feet. Mom was getting notes that her kid was not dressed properly and needed to wear socks or stockings everyday.

I wondered if the washer was eating the socks... Or maybe the sock angel was redeeming them for heaven... Alas I could not find a single matching pair. So I bought a bunch of the same colored socks... suddenly I was down to 3 pairs. Searching the room I came up empty handed, no matching socks to be found anywhere!!

Trying to get out the door in the morning was a battle field, "BUT MOM I can't go without socks!! I can't find any, I can't wear one green and one pink..." Oh the horror!!!  IT was pretty exasperating.  Dad is fuming,everyone is leaving angry, every morning and why?? Because of Socks!!! SERIOUSLY???

I finally thought "this is nuts" the peace of the family is daily disrupted when Mom is at her most groggy over lost shoes and no socks...

Enter the Sock Fairy... she comes at night and finds the shoes hidden under the couch, in the kitchen, under the TV or  Wow in the closet (who knew she knew how to put them away!), and every morning a bright shining new pair of socks (bought in bulk at Big Lots very cheaply) laid on the shoes.

After a while I found out through my secret sources that she was purposefully throwing away one sock of each pair just so she could delay the inevitable. I really wish she had just talked to me about the bullying at school. the real reason behind this tactic 

Eventually the Sock Fairy no longer needed to come anymore, the bullying, changes in her diet and a math program that only confused my daughter were the root causes of me pulling her from school and bringing her back to home schooling. I so wished she had spoken up sooner so the horribleness at school could have been addressed sooner. But that trust base was still lacking.

Now we don't need a sock fairy and I'm so glad to see my child working on long division at home with me.

Adoption is Not Second Best.

I really think so many people in our society see adoption as second best.  Yes, many families come to adoption because they cannot have children of their own, but when you look at the overall picture you see many people choose it for a huge variety of reasons.  In a training session we once experienced there were 5 couples each and every one of them had a unique reason.  Only one of them was “We can’t have kids so were adopting”… ya that would be me… but since it was our second adoption it’s not like I didn’t have a child of my own.

For example the Korean couple… the wife had been adopted and wanted to adopt because she had been.
The parents of 6 children were choosing adoption, so they could open their home to a child who had no home.
One couple felt led that this was God’s plan for building their family.
A Single woman had never gotten married and wanted to have a family, so she choose adoption and single parenting.

Those are just the ones that sick out in my mind, every family has a unique reason for adopting.  In each of the above examples I do not see the choice of choosing adoption as second best.  It was not the choice you have left when all other choices are gone… Yes many couples spend huge amounts of money each year on infertility treatment to: “Have a child of their own.”  They may turn to adoption as a last resort but so few people actually adopt.  It's some thing like 2% of the population who adopts, yet 25% of our population is infertile so its got to be a small percentage.

I’m so glad our journey down that path was truncated. Early on we knew DNA children were not possible.  Did we then just jump into adoption.. well we tried but God put us off. He had a plan, with so many millions of children with no parents or permanently separated from their parents.  How hard could it be to nudge us in the direction He had for us when we were actively seeking His plan.  

Tonight a friend of mine ranted because a store clerk put her foot in in her mouth and couldn’t believe this dark brown baby was the child of a light brown woman .   When Mom told her “Well he’s adopted. “ The clerk’s opened mouth and she inserted her whole leg. (From what I heard anyway)   Suddenly this clerk needed  to know baby's whole life story.  Hello!!!! our children are not freak shows, really I just brought my kid out for your entertainment!!!!  I used to try to educated people about the do and don’ts of adoption. Lets face it most people don’t want to be taught the right thing to do, they just want to hear the gory details and satisfy their curiosity.   Early on in the conversation this clerk hoped my friend “Would have kids of her own soon.” Really you say that in front of an impressionable child??? Hello!!!  What was she thinking??? maybe after adopting.... the baby fairy rewards you for being good... and you can now have real family????

Adopt: 1. to choose or take as one's own;  make one's own by selection or assent: 2. to take
and rear (the child of other parents) as one's own child, specifically by a formal legal act.

Conclusion: to adopt is to make your own.

On Friday night I was asked for the umpteenth time, if I felt the same about my kids as I would about my own.  (Can you picture me banging my head against the table) “Er um they are my own.” I replied. Why do so many people think love isn’t thicker than DNA? 

I’ll let you in on a little secret, one of the factors in who, gets whom, is spark… When we got photos of Sweet Potato, my husband thought she was THE MOST ADORABLE baby in the whole wide world.  He sparked… he looked at the photo and knew, he just knew, this was his daughter…

When I got photos of Little Miss Sunshine it was like a bomb went off in my heart.  I didn’t fall in love with her, I suddenly realized this WAS MY LITTLE GIRL.  Just like that, she was mine.

We could have waited for other children.   In fact a few years earlier we had gotten photos of a special needs boy (possible hearing problems in the future) yet we sent him back. Not because of the hearing problems (I speak some sign language).  There was just no spark. (Don’t worry five other families had applied to adopt him.)  The lady at the agency just didn't want us out of the running, because we had a good foundation for this little guy.  But when I said “I just don’t think he is ours.” she said “Yeah I get that.”

I know part of the curiosity of adoption and orphans is most people have no realistic contact with it… our culture continually tosses up characters in books as real people.  Oliver Twist, Anne of Green Gables, Little Orphan Anne, heck even Harry Potter is an orphan tho never adopted.  Seriously people!  These are not “Real” humans but rather 2 dimensional versions of humanity. I think peoples expectations are warped by these stories. Rather than feel compassion or acceptance; instead they just look to assuage their curiosity. 

Adoptees feel stigmatized, second best, and out of place already, and to top it all off almost every time they go out with mom and dad, someone asks “Are your parents REAL?”

Take a moment and think, what message they are sending with those words… Himm the child may think wow if my parents aren’t real then I’m not really what they wanted…. I am a second choice, what was left over, the last to be chosen for the family team.   Can you picture feeling that way every time you went out for dinner?  Think about it. 

Now think about the parent who continually hears they are not Real... its more than just the child that is getting distressed here.  After a few years you get numb to most of it. 

Water Buffalo Update

Well my last post was about Little Miss Sunshine's' project of getting a water buffalo for Christmas.  Its a beta testing program For GFA's Web Team. I can say it was successful! We found a few bugs, and  got feedback and A water buffalo has been secured for a family in India. Woo hoo!!! Everyone Wants a Water Buffalo

On another note the kiddos are being themselves, were doing home school lite... Which means I'm checking work as I prep meals for the ministry and bake cookies.  All but my Christmas cards are done.  Woo hoo! Only a few presents to wrap and its all finished.

Just in time too, as Sweet Potato has been cheating with her meds. *SIGH* Now she is sick and running a fever.   Ugh I'd hate to be in her shoes. Medication night and day, Doctors are mystified as to the cause, thus no answers just medication, and The Vest, to ease the symptoms.  I hate it when she decided shes right and I'm wrong because what I said didn't happen immediately.  No you cannot chew your medication! It will hurt your body... So she chews her medication. "My body isn't in pain, so you must be wrong Mom." Sigh... Picture me banging my head against the wall. She doesn't even believe the nurse on the phone.  I had to switch it back to the neti pot which does the same thing as the medication just in a much more gross way.  

Then I see posts on Neti pots that use tap water, giving people brain eating amoebae. *LOVELY!* Now I always use the reverse osmosis water because the amount of  "dead" mold spores in the local water makes my allergy's worse. I know occasionally Sweet Potato doesn't, instead she pushes the easy button and uses tap water.   So now I have one more thing to be paranoid about. NO MORE TAP WATER!! even tho we don't live in Louisiana. 

I had a talk with her today about when you don't take your nose medication your nose itches. (then you rub it, and never wash your hands, and the family is all ewww gross!!!)  When you  fake taking your inhaler; your lungs hurt. Taking medication isn't fun; but not taking it, is worse.  The Orthodontics nurse had to talk with me on the condition of her teeth, as in she isn't brushing well enough either.

And I know why this is all manifesting itself  because it's Christmas!!!  Oh the JOYS of the Christmas Season.   This being all gross and unlovable is so true to form.  time to Repost #1   and   Repost #2

Last night I started singing like my youngest.  A repetitive annoying song which Little Miss Sunshine had been doing all day! Muhahaha... She was reading The Silver Chair a bit above her reading level There I was next to her belting out a silly made up Christmas song. Priceless!!!  She at least figured out what I was Doing.. "MOM stop pretending to be me!"  ROFL!

We have decided that Christmas is NOT the most wonderful time of the year, as people act even stranger than normal. The added pressure to Be Happy  just makes everyday worse.  Mom is even more busy than normal and cannot be disturbed. Bah Humbug!

That is why this weekend instead of doing cards I sat with my kids and painted Christmas bulbs. We all had a blast got paint on our clothing and Sweet Potato ruined one of y best brushes. Ahh well it's only a brush right???

Christmas will come and go, I for one will be so happy to see the back side of it, and a return to "normalcy" if anything in this world can be called normal.

Mystery of the Missing Math Book

So school ground to a halt today as I left Little Miss Sunshine to "FIND" her math work book. I'm a big believer  in taking personal responsibility of your stuff. I don't actually remember being responsible for my own stuff as a kid, I just remember yelling "Mom Where is My......" an awful lot. Not wanting to suffer my Sainted mothers fate of being the Go To person when something is lost. I don't help until all hope is lost... then we usually find it with in 5 minutes or it's lost forever. Oh the tragedy of it all... 


LMS and LM searched for the missing math book for 30 minutes while I snuck off to the bed room and had a 20 minute power nap. After a while the silence woke me up and they had moved on from looking to hey mom is sleeping lets get in some play time. Oopsie!  I walk in to find them dressed for Laura Ingalls, too cute...

The math book was still missing so I glanced around and saw the spine of it lurking in Little M's drawer. *sigh* Little M then proceeded to take a long swim in d'Nile and ended up all washed up. Long story short. Yesterday Little M broke the rules (in a really obvious way).  Mom asked who did it? Both children denied doing any of it. Both got time outs until the perpetrator confessed.  Dad convinced the guilty party to throw herself on the mercy of the court. Verdict 30 min to bed early...

But did she really Go To bed early last night? Nooooooo well she did sort of... but got up to brush her teeth because she forgot too. Then she primped in mirror for 15 minutes and still wasn't in her PJ's by the time the usual bed time rolled around.  Ya know some days you just have to let them play out the line.. then you hook em.  We pointed out since she didn't actually go to bed early Monday night she has to go to bed early Tuesday night... But Mom!!! it's Prayer meeting night!!!!  This kid is sooooooooooo Smart! She knew it's a big deal to miss prayer meeting and that we often chose prayer meeting over discipline and by Wednesday Mom and Dad will have forgotten she still has an early to bed payment due.

Anyway at some point during the getting ready for bed last night.. (She was mad her sister got to stay up to the regular bed time.) she decided to be Darth Anikin... yes the Dark side took over. She stole her sisters math work book and hid it in her special drawer. Knowing full well it will be a big disruption and Little Miss Sunshine can suffer the consequences of no recess (oh the horror!) because she wouldn't find her math book because it was not put away. Muhahahahahahahaha   can't you just hear it.. the dark side laughter.  But of course that is not how it turns out because the Light Side always wins out. *plays Star Wars theme music*

During our conversation about why we don't steal (is this becoming a weekly theme or what???) She told me all about wanting to be Darth Anikin last night, but in the end she decided she wanted to be Luke rather than a "Darth"

Some days ya just gotta meet them where they are at.. it was all I could do not to burst out laughing while discussing how to have self control, using dark side and light side examples.  She has had to be extra kind to her sister all day and Yes! she is going to bed extra early tonight and missing prayer. can we say backfired!

I was gonna take photos of the sputum sample we got this morning for the lab but Hubby confiscated the camera... Hope those germs stayed alive during the trip to the hospital.

The Lung Report

Yes its that time to update you on Little M's Little Lungs.
She had a Dr.s appointment today. Her lungs still sound the same, she is definitely coughing more.
So if you work at the U of R's pediatric pulmonology department... could you please forward My kids records!!!! Dr doesn't want to do a battery of tests over again since she had pile of them when she was 3.

So we wait some more... Grrrrrr....
I feel so Stupid... My knight in shining armor could have harassed them every day for 2 weeks that would have moved the records into my Dr's hands. Ahh well we play the waiting game.

So tomorrow morning I get to try and convince Little M to spit up lung mucus into a cup. We tried the hospital
lab but she just couldn't bring her self to spit. Sigh.. Who know Motherhood involved making your child spit up in front of people.  Isn't my life so super exciting.  So now were gonna try the spit up into a specimen cup in private.   Then as soon as it gets in the cup we have to go go go go deliver it to the lab ASAP so the germs don't die before they can culture them.

At least it is for a good cause. They get to grow it in a petri dish and see if there is a bacteria causing the mucus to form.    Then they will test it because she has notorious bacteria that seems to be resistant to every Antibiotic out there.  Ever wonder if germs are really aliens??  So were back to wait an see... wait for records and getting gunky stuff out of her, wait for culture, wait wait wait... And the Dr doesn't want to wait he thinks there is good chance of reversing her troubles and making her lungs even more stable.  I really like that he is optimistic.

Mean while the Vest thing is not yet billed (its pending) so we still have no idea how much this costing us. *sigh* But if it helps her breath better its worth every penny God is going to give us to pay for it. 


its a busy week with her Little Giant Steps evaluation Doctors visits, and Orthodontia.  Will school get completed? do do do do  doooo do dooo  stay tuned for the next installment of The Lung Report...

Oh NO not THE DRAWER again...

Ever notice how tape gets legs and wanders into your kids bedroom and then manages to loose half of itself in big rolls of messy taped stuff everywhere.  Earlier today I was looking for the tape. Little Miss Sunshine said well mom maybe its in Little M's drawer.   (It's her special drawer.)  I open the treasure trove and find... a Super Secret project Little Miss Sunshine is doing for me.  I'm doing my best to pretend doesn't exists so she can surprise me later with it. The book Little Miss Sunshine has been looking for for the last 2 days, and a purple princess shirt that no longer fits her.  None of these things are Little M's stuff...

Little M suffered an immediate loss of a grace token, and a repetition of the Why We Don't Steal talk. An amusing side note when I asked her why she took this stuff. She told me she covenanted it...  Oh Man I'm still smiling over that one... I said in a happy voice "Ooo  you made a special promise to your sister? Wow great what did you promise her."  She wasn't amused But LMS was. No Mom covenanted  it!! I wanted it so I took it. Ohhh you stole it because you coveted it??  Yes I want nice things too. Now she has plenty of things that start out nice, but degrade rapidly in her presence. She's one fantastic catalyst.  After some discussion she got to keep the out grown purple princess shirt since she was saying it made her feel safe. Everything else had to be returned to owner.

This evening I was not surprised when she was having a hissy fit that her sister stole her Water Bottle.  That whole imputing on others, the feeling we ourselves feel, coming into play. So Mom says "Hey look at the time!!! Your 10 min late to bed scoot! scoot! I will look for the missing water bottle."

I think the Holy spirit works over time in my house. I really do, It's not really mommy radar it's God tapping me on the shoulder saying Hey look at that... go look in here. Check on the kids. I think they are alive today because God has assigned us extra guardian angels to watch over us.  One just changed my ENT appointment from the morning where I was double booked, to the one spot in the afternoon I had open that day. It was on my list of things to do this morning and I wasn't able to do any of that list today.

I went and  looked for water bottle in the last place she had hidden it. Yup you guessed it -THE DRAWER.  Nope it wasn't there... I'm thinking I should take pictures of The Infamous DRAWER. She's at it again. *sigh* A handy wall got a few head bangs for good measure. Can you guess what I found in the drawer this time?  Well it looks like she took a really wet soap and rubbed the insides. Shall we give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to clean it... Ahh don't bother  she already confessed... but... because on top of the big mess of dried soap scum is half a tube of sunscreen. I don't think I'll be assuming anything. It's bad to assume, facts are so much more factual.

The Infamous Drawer

So I go to get her up out of bed yet again so I can do the whole quiet parenting thing and just make her look at it. Behold!!!! before I get to the door, a crying child comes flying out of the bed room. Oh my Little Miss Sunshine Crying? it happens really. Mom shes being so mean and Shushing me whaaaaaaa... Wait let me get this straight your in bed the light is off your supposed to be trying to go to sleep and YOUR talking??? (Weeeeeee some misbehavior woo hoo oh wait will non-adoptive parents understand that it is a reason for rejoicing.) But since I can only handle once crises at a time I say Go sleep on the couch.  Huge smile child runs off happy problem momentarily solved, and yes I can deal with it tomorrow.

Little M come here... Not even dealing with the whole meanness to sister, I point her head in the direction of THE DRAWER. "I didn't Do IT!" she yells...  So I took her to the grace tokens and pulled one for tomorrow.  For wreaking stuff and then lying about it.  Now I took a peek in that drawer yesterday and last night at 1AM I heard her open this drawer and then close it. Earlier today they had 2 soaps on the bathroom sink, girls girls you can share a soap and tooth paste it's not hard, just no sharing of the tooth brushes. I moved soap to the shower which had none, when I picked up the soap I noticed it had bits of particle board stuck to it.. Really I should have been a CSI investigator.

We had yet another talk about heart issues, and she started crying that her heart hurts. Oh thank Heaven, praise the Lord, Grief!!! Yeah Grief!!! true Honest Grief! She cried  for an hour clinging to me like I was a rock in a storm. What??? A hug! Seeking comfort From Big Bad Meal ol Mommy??? Whoa Nellie!!!  I of course wept as well when did I turn into such a watering pot? She needs to cry all the rocks out of her heart. We don't listen to pop music and she certainly doesn't read twaddle. So when she tearfully said "Mom I think my heart is broken." She didn't mean she lost her non existent boyfriend, but rather she sees such messy ugly sadness in her heart and it is truly broken, that it doesn't work right. Loss of a birth family will do that. This child's grief is profound and bound up to much in her heart. I told her to cry it all out and when it gets full again she needs to cry it all out some more, but it will heal if she chooses to let it. It may not stop hurting forever but it will heal.

I'm wondering if  the stealing, the lying, and the destruction is a direct result of the praise I lavished on her yesterday. I did say I was ready for it. Ahh the 2 steps forward and 1 and a half back life I lead.

Oppositional Behavior

Since I have pulled Little M. Back to 75% phase one  25% phase 2, foods on the SBP diet her head has cleared once again. Strict diet seems to keep her really focused.  I'm getting much better narrations out of her. They are not mixed up messy things but rather the beginning to the middle then she gets stuck at the end.  This is quiet different from her narrations of the past. Previously she would start at the end the bit easily accessed because she still has it in her short term memory.  Then a half sentence from the beginning partially memorized but not complete. And then some way it relates to her for example "I love_____  fill in blank"  its not necessarily true its just filler for her mouth.

As we were doing science narrations and I had both children  together she gave me a half right answer after repeating her sisters answer multiple times.  It was about where the the animals sleep during the hottest part of the desert day. I could see she had the information in her head. But it was being a slippery fish.  You know what slippery fish are don't you?  It's when you say "It's on the tip of my tongue"  but you just can't remember.

So I tossed her a net and asked her a leading question. I was so sad I could see that oppositional behavior rising to the surface. Grrrrrr.  Her whole countenance changed.  *sigh* So I did the whole get down on their level.  Asked to see her beautiful eyes and held her hands that were twisting and picking.  I said "Why are you angry? Think about it, can you answer the question I just asked you?"
"Yes Mom I can, but I don't want to."
"So you don't want to get the answer right? Don't you see if you answer my question, it will help you remember where the animals sleep.  It's a net for that slippery fish."  She got that look in her eye you know the one *Picture a Light bulb over her head.* I could tell she had the answer!

But did she say the correct answer... Not right away.  If a wall would have been handy I would have banged my head against it.  Instead I asked her if she liked to get the answers right and how it made her feel... "Good." she replied.  So getting them wrong is that the same "Good" feeling?  "Umm not exactly." she mumbled looking at the floor.   Ok then you have to ask your self  how do you want to feel right now,  Good or In control but really yucky? not as good?

The answer literally flew out of her mouth and landed on the floor flopping around. She babbled on how the animals hid under ground and some plugged the holes to keep the water in, and others stole old burrows.

I praised her to the high heavens.  Always a dangerous thing to do as this could lead to bad behavior later on but As I watch her I'm wondering how hard her life must seem to her. Firstly she has trouble holding information in her head for any length of time. Secondly she has to fight against that oppostional mindset that she has due to her adoption.  Thirdly I have to think twice Do I praise her because if I do it will lead to Mind blowing horrible behavior later on. Can I live with the consequences of praising her today, Can I live with not praising her???  What Mom has to think that way!! arrgghhhhhhhh!!! 

Its so weird I have one who is like Arnold from Welcome Back Kotter.  Squirming in her seat she knows the answer literally going Oooo Oooo pick me pick me...  And one who often reminds me of Vinny Barbarino  Who? What? Where?

I employed a technique from Arleta James,  I praised her very specifically for the one thing,  then said "I know when you get praise you tend to turn around and show me how bad you can be. It's OK I'm ready for it, in fact I'm expecting it.  I'll still love you."   It totally worked since she knew I was expecting it, she didn't do it. That's the way to make that mindset work for me. I've never seen a kid desire a low self worth so much. Its like she pursues it with a single focused mindset. *sigh*

Walking Zombie.

So I slept really poorly last night, always makes for a sleep deprived day. Ever notice how your emotions get so weirded out when you don't get enough sleep?  My feelings get so easily hurt when I'm a walking zombie.

Normally I let stuff roll of my back like a duck, My childhood was one filled with a lot of rejection.  So I'm used to it for the most part. But I hate it when I have to find a sitter when all my regular sitters are to busy.  I have to look into that gulf of unknown people. I know I'm overly protective. I feel I have reason to be.  If you give Little M. a cookie Who?? will she be when she comes home? I really can see the menfe syndrome at play. Pulling her back to Phase 1 foods made such a huge difference. If someone mistakenly gives her a treat that is a trigger food Whoa Nellie Stand back as the tornado flies.

My Hubby told my kids to be extra nice to me today since I didn't sleep well. Picture me banging my head against he wall and yelling Noooooooooo! Don't do it! This is ok to tell Little Miss Sunshine but not to Little M.  Little M just sees it as an opportunity to explore her feelings by imputing them on others. I think this is why I have spent part of my morning hiding in the bathroom crying. Really Life is so not this bad... Is it PMS? or that horrible thing adoptees do so well. If you think I'm crazy go take a visit to Arleta James's blog.
Perspectives Press Link

So this morning She spent 45 minutes telling me about 3 paragraphs she had read. Very poor narration even with promptings, and re-reading.  Just awful, My Mommy radar began pinging after 40 minutes and I just got up and took a grace token away. Sat back down and said "Your not trying."  If you don't do better I'll take away another one.  It was like someone turned her brain on. Suddenly!!!!! She could tell me 80% of the story... Don't you hate it when they are shamming Arrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!! 

Now math was another story, today 9-9=? stumped her. She did it on her fingers.. Show me 9 fingers now takeaway 9 fingers how many do you have left... 9 mom no 10... see as she shows her fingers still attached to her hand, and she wasn't being funny.  She is very concrete today.  So we had to do it the Visual Math way.  Then she got it ohhhhh Nine take away 9 equals ZERO!  Ohhhhh

Ahh well I think I'll take a nap and then life will look so much better.

Update: No nap but a nice visit with a friend and My Knight in Shining Armor stopped by long enough to give me a Decaf Americano with a shot of vanilla. It totally made up for the horrible behavior he incited in Little M. today.

Vanity of vanity all is vanity

Friday night we had a wedding to go to. I'm still working on the quilt.  In fact I could use a few good movies and some alone time to help move it along.  I used to look forward to weddings back when we were DINKS (double income no kids). But lately I have found myself not looking forward to them.

I do live in a fairly closed community at the ministry,  if no kids are allowed the babysitting factor comes into play. As in "I had better set up a baby sitter as soon as possible or they will all be gone." Also having a Spectrum kid I hear more no's than yes's in a normal baby sitting situation. Weddings are even harder when there is a limited number of babysitters.
I think people don't get how easy a spectrum child can be to baby sit.. If  you like I will send her DS/personal DVD player with her and she will sit in a corner and play it till I come for her. It's only if you expect her to interact with your children in a nurotypical way that you may run into issues. My friend C has discovered
this factoid and if she is available, will always taker her. Bless you C!
Of course some of the weddings eased the way for us and set up baby sitting in the same building.  That was really nice!

Now Fridays' wedding they actually invited my children. Yippie!  well maybe not :-/  No babysitting to deal with.  On the other hand I had a day of being "Hair Dresser Mom." It was kinda like we were having a wedding here at our house. Little Miss Sunshine of the long straight hair. Begged and cajoled for Curls. When I sought out the curlers I could only find 4.  Where are they?  lost, broken and tossed. "Sorry Mom I tried to use them and I broke them" Oh Joy.. now do I splurge and go buy a curling iron?  I decided not to on the grounds I have no idea on how to use one!  and I'm sure I will do one or more of the following:
A. Burn my fingers.
B. Burn her scalp.
C. Fry her hair.

So I saved my cash and we used the 4 curlers all day long. Since her hair goes past her waist. I could only curl a small amount at a time.  I got out some heavy duty curling mousse.  It worked tho some of the curls were a bit hard, by the time the wedding rolled around they had relaxed. So I think I spent about 2 hours on her hair.  I really need to have her buy me a new set at the dollar store.

Meanwhile I took a few "new to us" dresses into Little M. I helped her put the first one on.  It was a great color (blue) for her. It was made of a non itchy, non scratchy, non soapy feeling fabric.  Always an important factor in clothing for Little M! It made her look like a young lady eeeep! She is growing up!  I could tell she LOVED this dress, she looked beautiful.  I did a no no... I told her how pretty she looked.  Bad Mommy I approved of the dress how dare I.  Miss Oppositional jumped out of the wood work.  She said " I hate this dress, it's loose around my legs I want it tight."  Now since she has been playing "Laura Ingalls" for the last 2 weeks DAILY! wearing skirts that don't cling. I wasn't buying what she was selling.  We tried on the other new dress and it looked ok, not as nice as the first one. And it had itchy fabric, but did she complain? noooooooooo!  I look back and find it funny now, but at the time I have to admit I was so annoyed. *rolls eyes*

After a bit I talked to her about the "why" of the attitude. I'm always torn is it rebellion or adoption opposition, or a bit of both??  How to handle it??? Yesterday,  I turned the tables on her and pointed out she had handed me all the control of "her" likes and dislikes at that moment. And personally I have enough responsibly and I don't want that much power. Since she loves to be in control this made her annoyed and confused. hahahahahah.... Sorry but the look of consternation on her face when I started telling her I love "all her favorite foods."  Now she was wanting to hate them, quite the dilemma she had. It is rather funny.   Eventually she snapped out of it  saw reason. To avoid any last minute opposition I let Daddy pick the dress she was going to wear.  He of course picked the blue one, which helped her love  it all the more....

Now we come to straightening her hair. She asked nicely, I agreed as long as she brushed her hair.  Even tho I'm sure I'm going to burn my fingers. Aunti has taught me how to do it, so I have some confidence I can do it.  And her hair is thick with a stubborn natural wave, it would curl fantastically.  So I ask her to brush her hair. She does a terrible job. In fact I can tell from the condition of her hair she hasn't bothered to bush the inside bit near her neck for about a week.  Its been looking fine but I had to cut 4 nasty snarls out of  it.  I'm low on time before dinner, so I do my best to brush it without pain, but she screams bloody murder. So I say want me to cut it?  NO! *tears*  So I try again to get out the snarls gently.  She screams like I'm killing her. So I cut it out *more tears* Because its her precious hair!

/start dream sequence
Her Knight In Shining Armor comes galloping in from outside (where he was grilling dinner) wielding a spatula  Whoa Whoa My dear daughter are you in distress?
Little M: The Big Bad Mean Mommy with a hair brush is attacking me! she will cut my precious hair that has magical powers.
Hubby: But Dear Daughter how is this? Did you not put thyself into her hands to have thy hair magically straightened. Here let me wield the hair brush and save thee!
BBMM: But forsooth OH Champion of champions will not your meat burn to a crisp? Are you sure I'm not truly the fairy Godmother in disguise? I'm here to prepare her for her ball.  You shall not wrestle this magic hair brush from my hand. As you can see Look! I have cut out the offending snarls.  Now that the evil snarls are gone the brush flows freely through her hair once more.
Hubby: Ahh dear Lady you are correct... she is in no real danger.  Yet the lamb! it may be charring as we speak! Knight In Shining Armor exits. 
Little M:  *pouts*  But But My magical hair!
/end dream sequence.
25 minutes later her hair is straight and beauteous.

Now I have 40 minutes to get a shower get dressed myself... But... Hubby certain we will be "LATE!" if we don't leave  in 15 minutes, when the location is 8 min away.  By my calculations that gives us a 25 minute window to stand around and keep the kids from running in church.  I scramble anyway and am ready in about 10 minutes. Ahh the joys of motherhood. I hope I looked ok I didn't even get to look in a mirror before I left.

As we leave it starts to pour. Yeah!!! we really really need rain here in TX. The Humidity level skyrockets... You can just imagine what happens to the hair styles, Curls become less curly and straight starts to frizz...  Really you just have to laugh!!!  Even tho I know it is normal for straight haired people to want curls and curly hair people to want straight.  My heart really wishes they would be satisfied with the way God created them to be. Vanity of vanity all is vanity.