CTC Unit 4 in review

So we had a lot of fun this week, were still schooling around the kitchen table. 

Little Miss Sunshine tried to make them all uniform sizes.
We used an envelop to store the yarn and straw pieces for the second day.  

This fine motor skill was a bit of a chore for Sweet Potato,

but she she finally managed to get all those straw beads on the yarn. 

The water color this week was super fun, I do like the wet paper painting. 

I do not know how I managed to have flat bread (It's Indian Naan)
Yogurt, almonds, white cheese, figs, and raisins in the house.
But I'm sure glad we did! 

They even tried to use dishes that would have been available in ancient times.
Ceramic cups and bowls in earth colors. 

They really got into it, and raided my closet of Indian Salwar Chemise's.

They were going for the authentic look. 
Although I don't think girls were shepherd's back then... 

 The science experiment... they cut up a cardboard box to back their cougars.
I found a deer illustration and printed it out for them

Um Mom what happens when the cougar doesn't land in the square?

Here is my masterpiece, I really enjoyed this project. It is fun to play with paint again!

 Notebooks are so beautiful Little Miss Sunshine chose Joseph's coat.

Sweet Potato picked Rachael dying in child birth.

You just can't guess what will resonate with your child. I think Sweet Potato doesn't understand grief. Looking back on this unit. I had much trouble getting her to complete her work in a timely manner. I wonder if the loss of Rachael in the story triggered the oppositional behavior, unwillingness to work, and extreme dawdling she displayed this week. She has to deal with the grief and loss of her first family, seemingly lurking in her mind just waiting to ambush her. I think it overwhelms her. I'm glad school gave her an opportunity to explore it in a safe way. 

I could have done without the chip on the shoulder it brings!!! I felt like a wash rag wrung out and hung out to dry by Friday night. I keep telling My Knight in Shining Armor to say "It will get better." instead of "Oh you poor thing." I find if I start traveling down that road of "poor me" I loose all perspective. I become selfish, no longer a help-meet, but rather a helpless me. It's a slippery slope, school is a joy and a sorrow it is REAL LIFE played out in my living room. I have to admit, I'm am glad to see them go to bed at 9pm and have the quietness, peace, and silence of my husband. 

Adoption is Not Second Best.

I really think so many people in our society see adoption as second best.  Yes, many families come to adoption because they cannot have children of their own, but when you look at the overall picture you see many people choose it for a huge variety of reasons.  In a training session we once experienced there were 5 couples each and every one of them had a unique reason.  Only one of them was “We can’t have kids so were adopting”… ya that would be me… but since it was our second adoption it’s not like I didn’t have a child of my own.

For example the Korean couple… the wife had been adopted and wanted to adopt because she had been.
The parents of 6 children were choosing adoption, so they could open their home to a child who had no home.
One couple felt led that this was God’s plan for building their family.
A Single woman had never gotten married and wanted to have a family, so she choose adoption and single parenting.

Those are just the ones that sick out in my mind, every family has a unique reason for adopting.  In each of the above examples I do not see the choice of choosing adoption as second best.  It was not the choice you have left when all other choices are gone… Yes many couples spend huge amounts of money each year on infertility treatment to: “Have a child of their own.”  They may turn to adoption as a last resort but so few people actually adopt.  It's some thing like 2% of the population who adopts, yet 25% of our population is infertile so its got to be a small percentage.

I’m so glad our journey down that path was truncated. Early on we knew DNA children were not possible.  Did we then just jump into adoption.. well we tried but God put us off. He had a plan, with so many millions of children with no parents or permanently separated from their parents.  How hard could it be to nudge us in the direction He had for us when we were actively seeking His plan.  

Tonight a friend of mine ranted because a store clerk put her foot in in her mouth and couldn’t believe this dark brown baby was the child of a light brown woman .   When Mom told her “Well he’s adopted. “ The clerk’s opened mouth and she inserted her whole leg. (From what I heard anyway)   Suddenly this clerk needed  to know baby's whole life story.  Hello!!!! our children are not freak shows, really I just brought my kid out for your entertainment!!!!  I used to try to educated people about the do and don’ts of adoption. Lets face it most people don’t want to be taught the right thing to do, they just want to hear the gory details and satisfy their curiosity.   Early on in the conversation this clerk hoped my friend “Would have kids of her own soon.” Really you say that in front of an impressionable child??? Hello!!!  What was she thinking??? maybe after adopting.... the baby fairy rewards you for being good... and you can now have real family????

Adopt: 1. to choose or take as one's own;  make one's own by selection or assent: 2. to take
and rear (the child of other parents) as one's own child, specifically by a formal legal act.

Conclusion: to adopt is to make your own.

On Friday night I was asked for the umpteenth time, if I felt the same about my kids as I would about my own.  (Can you picture me banging my head against the table) “Er um they are my own.” I replied. Why do so many people think love isn’t thicker than DNA? 

I’ll let you in on a little secret, one of the factors in who, gets whom, is spark… When we got photos of Sweet Potato, my husband thought she was THE MOST ADORABLE baby in the whole wide world.  He sparked… he looked at the photo and knew, he just knew, this was his daughter…

When I got photos of Little Miss Sunshine it was like a bomb went off in my heart.  I didn’t fall in love with her, I suddenly realized this WAS MY LITTLE GIRL.  Just like that, she was mine.

We could have waited for other children.   In fact a few years earlier we had gotten photos of a special needs boy (possible hearing problems in the future) yet we sent him back. Not because of the hearing problems (I speak some sign language).  There was just no spark. (Don’t worry five other families had applied to adopt him.)  The lady at the agency just didn't want us out of the running, because we had a good foundation for this little guy.  But when I said “I just don’t think he is ours.” she said “Yeah I get that.”

I know part of the curiosity of adoption and orphans is most people have no realistic contact with it… our culture continually tosses up characters in books as real people.  Oliver Twist, Anne of Green Gables, Little Orphan Anne, heck even Harry Potter is an orphan tho never adopted.  Seriously people!  These are not “Real” humans but rather 2 dimensional versions of humanity. I think peoples expectations are warped by these stories. Rather than feel compassion or acceptance; instead they just look to assuage their curiosity. 

Adoptees feel stigmatized, second best, and out of place already, and to top it all off almost every time they go out with mom and dad, someone asks “Are your parents REAL?”

Take a moment and think, what message they are sending with those words… Himm the child may think wow if my parents aren’t real then I’m not really what they wanted…. I am a second choice, what was left over, the last to be chosen for the family team.   Can you picture feeling that way every time you went out for dinner?  Think about it. 

Now think about the parent who continually hears they are not Real... its more than just the child that is getting distressed here.  After a few years you get numb to most of it. 

Adoption expectaions

I have been talking to a Mom via message boards and Email and just last night found out She too as a child from the same orphanage as Little M. I can't think the last time I was this excited. Wow So cool Yippie! she also has a rainbow family (Adopted from more than just one country).  It made me soooo happy To know of another Adoptee just like my adoptee... now if we ever get them together, will it be oil and water? can we make mayonaise??  

Sometimes we can feel so alone with our problems, I know I far to often think "No one else feels how I feel" or "No one else has been through what I have been through."  I know this is just a big fat lie from the pit of H..E...  double toothpicks. Yet I still fall into false thinking, and the downward spiral starts yet again.  I Do love it when you make a connection that has Gods fingerprints all over it.

I also hate I when you see someone on the road you have driven on and you warn them hey the bridge is really shaky, I'd take this detour around it...  And you can just see they are not in a place to listen, they decide to cross the shaky bridge. Then while they are on the bridge they freak out because it is so shaky.  You think to yourself  Man I was just like that!!  to proud, to sleep deprived, to unsure of myself to listen. My expectations were way out of whack with reality.

You know when you Adopt you have expectations, especially if you have parented before.  When we adopted a second time we had to take a class about International Adoption. We tried to get out of it because we had previously adopted but it was faster to just do the 2 day class. Our Social worker was actually running it. She was so happy to have us there.  I soon figured out why.

As she would bring up a scenario (usually one we had lived through)  and present it to the group.  Those who had birth children would talk about how they would handle it (with confidence).  Those adopting but had no children would listen or add what worked for them when they were kids.  The social worker never let us talk till everyone else had gone first. It was so funny.  We wouldn't look at it from how would we handle it but rather how badly all the things they just offered didn't work. Then the only thing that did work for us was... Over and over and over again. The social worker managed to drive home to some our adoption was not unusual. this was normal... I could see about half those in our group started to have paradigm shifts in their expectation.  Others did not listen. They were still in that place of it won't happen to me, your exaggerating.

 I can remember those early days of adoption When my attitudes were "These horror stories won't happen to me. God loves me. He won't let that happen to me. I'll be such a great mom. "  I am no longer in that place. Something works for you Yippie let me try it too! And being Mom is such fun but I'm just doing the best I can.