Adoption Tailspin

Well my husband got to the adoption story before I did, but I figured you would like to have both sides of the story, so here goes...

We had put off the adoption for about 1 year. We had made intentional choices to prepare ourselves for the work involved in caring for and healing a hurting soul. My husband informed leadership prior to our adoption start. I do believe it would be at this point that if GFA had a problem with our family adopting again this would be the moment to bring it up. Nobody said nothin... 

We started the paperwork and went to training, we held off on handing in our paperwork till we had moved into the new house. Tom was then approached by K.P. and had that discussion which you can read here. He came home and shared with me K.P.'s words.  I was devastated, all sorts of things ran through my mind. I never ever wanted to leave the ministry before this moment in time.

Was I that bad of a mother? Did he not trust us that we were following The Lords leading? If we adopted would my husbands career be adversely effected. If we adopted would I then be shunned while working in the ministry because I know the blame always lies at the feet of the women. Would we be asked to leave our beloved ministry because we did not obey? I felt like I gave my word to Gladney that we would adopt, is he asking me to go back on my word?  If I had gotten pregnant would this be acceptable behavior?

I struggled the most with "Do we need to be obedient to his request? If he is the bishop of our Religious Order am I required to obey his every whim suggestion?" At this time K.P. was still very upset at the Diaspora letter and was preaching obedience, when you could hear him in the fellowship hall.  I distinctly recall him telling us all to re-read his book Touching Godliness Through Submission.

I tried but I just couldn't get past Chapter 6, somewhere before Chapter 6 the author states that not hearing from the Lord means we are in disobedience to Him.  Tom and I took this request very seriously. Tom knowing that leadership would come after me if we talked about it; ordered my silence. Often I would sit in prayer meeting not really praying, not getting up and moving around but rather sitting in one place trying to pray, but my mind whirling.  If K.P. thought an adoption would be distracting Not Adopting was far more distracting and pulled my heart way from the ministry.

But we hid, hid our pain, hid our feelings, one thing I know is if you're in the hands of a manipulator don't hand them the knife to cut you more. For months we prayed and fasted. The hardest part was telling people the adoption was on hold, it felt like a lie of omission. I found later lies of omission became easier and easier to not tell. This bothered me greatly. The Lord was silent.  I cannot tell you the pain, the sorrow, that fell upon our family. How do I answer the children when they ask when are we getting a little brother? It was awful.

This request as I have mentioned came upon the heels of the Diaspora Letter where they expressed that GFA prioritizes the work over family. This is one of the reasons K.P. gave as to why he advised us against adopting.  What about your Work? This horrified me, if he was as he declared taking the letter seriously and repented of this type of behavior, why is he doing it again with our family?  Unless of course he never thought he was in the wrong?

In hindsight I see the Lords hand in remaining silent, I needed to see my sin of placing K.P. on Gods throne, I needed to see that the call to obedience to a man was idol worship. I needed to realize I cared more about K.P.'s opinion than Gods' and that was wrong.   I desperately wanted a second opinion, did we have to obey his request? My dear hubby actually went so far as to call in to a local Catholic radio show.  After explaining our situation being in a Religious Order, being under authority, should we obey? The answer was rather interesting, we had to go back to GFA rules, was there anything in them that required absolute obedience (as in the Benedictine Order).  If so, yes this leaders request needed to be obeyed because of our vows. Thankfully GFA's written rules do not require absolute obedience.  We won't mention the unspoken rules nor had my husband been ordained under Believers Church.   That was a breath of fresh air. My brain got off the treadmill of thoughts that were getting me nowhere.

I actually broke my silence and shared my heart with a few friends.  The day Gale Erwin came to investigate I really really wanted to share this issue with him. Yet I never saw him alone, I didn't dare seek him out, I didn't dare email him my heart either. I knew if I did, leadership would see it and sadly I no longer blindly trusted leadership. Words on a page are no match for face to face conversation. So much heart ache, so much pain, I felt I had to keep it hidden, a secret. With one friend I shared this agony and her response was for me to trust K.P. He knew what was best for me, and he was right I had no idea how hard it was raising 4 kids.  I should just obey and not have any worries.   She might as well have patted me on the head saying don't worry your pretty little head.

It seems so strange that in a community of believers, where one should be able to share the burden of sorrow and pain, the secrecy needed to protect oneself was so necessary. How can he preach transparency to us when we feared our pain would be a tool used against us? I wonder how many more stories out there are like ours?  Silent because of fear? Silent because we have bought the teaching we are the problem?  Silent because a burden shared is only brought back on your own shoulders to bear?

One would think that in a place where we have Bridge of Hope, Boys and Girls homes, where GFA in India helps children abandoned on trains find their families again and then supports those families so the children won't be sent away again... How can such a thing as "don't adopt" fit at GFA? The bible states, true religion is to care for widows and orphans.  Why would we only be allowed to care for them at a distance? Can we not do both? Is there only one call and no others can sing in harmony?  So many questions, that I no longer need an answer too.

I Am Free.

 

I Am Humbled by Your Love.

Yesterday when I posted about our dis-invitation I knew I was taking a big step.  In no way did I want to hurt anyone involved.  Random thoughts running around my head on Friday needed to be spoken out loud.  I had intended to publish my blogs quietly and not link to them but let them stand as a silent witness to my hurt and pain. This is my online journal yet when I published my post yesterday I did knowing I would see people drop off my Facebook friends list. In fact I was so curious to know how many would drop me I took note of my current friend total. I'm giggling today because I keep getting more and more friend requests but the tally is +2,  some are dropping off but others who feel I have given them voice are joining in.

The Love that has been poured out on my Facebook board has blown me away. The testimony my friend C posted about our relationship brought me to humbled tears that I was able to make such a difference in her life.

I kept feeling that I had no voice, what I did feel was "fear to speak against leadership." There is a deeply felt need to stay quiet.  As I said yesterday on Facebook Karyn Purvis speaks of "Felt Safety" as a place where children from hard places can find healing. One way we can help them find that safety is to give them voice.  I know we are not children but I could not hide from this thought that I needed to give voice to myself and others who have walked this lonely road of moving on from GFA.

I told some good friends of mine a month ago that I had no axe to grind with GFA. I had left and I did not feel the need to speak out or speak up. But "maybe" "some day" post my blogs. In fact the day I back posted my blog Praying for Leadership  the phone rang almost immediately and my heart lept up and throttled my amgdalya with "Oh no David Carroll has seen it and he's calling me to take it down." It wasn't him but my reaction of "fear" hijacking my brain, gave me pause. I knew to move on, to move forward from fear was to face it. I never intended to land on patheos though I knew there was a possibility it might happen.

To Warren Throckmorton, Thank you for your kind words. My knight and I are experiencing so much freedom and joy and dancing in the moonlight, amidst the grief and pain of our summer. God is so good and gracious to us may his blessing be upon you and may you shine God's light to those in dark spaces.

On Mothers Day... I would rather go camping.

Mothers Day also corresponds to the same day I got to meet Sweet Potato. A huge thrill for me, :-)  it was Monday in India and Mothers day in the states. How exciting!!!

A dozen years later I still find my self wishing I were camping on Mothers Day.  In TX the weather is fantasic and not too many bugs.  The kids are happy and lots of freedom to explore and plenty of down time and quiet time and campy distractions to keep their minds occupied.

Holidays are just not really that fun in our house. I always wanted to be the Mom that decorated for each holiday, Shamrocks in March,  Hearts in Feburary etc.. I soon learned to greet holidays with trepidation. Holidays bring about thoughts of family and fun. At the same time they bring about thoughts of loss and grief.  My minds often boggles at the brains ability to handle duelisms.  I wonder how much at war are my children's minds on holidays? Experiencing happiness and joy to suddenly be ambushed by guilt and grief a few minutes later. How do they do it, and I often wonder what should my expectations be on their abilities to handle it.

This Moms day I planned a day of fun because gotcha day is often celebrated too. The mall for Sweet Potato and a game night (for the rest of us.) I had hoped the fun of the day would help keep her mood sweet. Yet through out the day her behavior was... shall we say... not so hot. My hubby even noticed! Even tho I was doing the high nurture, high structure, making compromises, saying yes, she was just not co-operating.  Looking back I realized we made a few mistakes today.  We ALL should NOT have gone to the mall. It should have been her alone with just one parent. Letting her revel in shopping is fine, but the whole family ended up getting annoyed with the time it takes for her to buy one shirt. I swear she tried on half the store. I think we gave her to big of an audience and to much choice.

Daddy should not have agreed to her napping while all the chores and party prep were being done.  When we don't give her work to do we are in-part saying "Hey you're a guest not a family member." The sly puss when given a pretty easy chore of putting away a few bags of party groceries just before the guest were due to arrive, actually disagreed with me for 10 minutes about where to put away the heavy whipping cream... Did you know all dairy products belong in the cupboard!!! Ya I'm not buying what your selling.   I kept asking her to: "Try it again cupcake." "Can you say that in a respectful tone of voice?"  Eventually I just resorted to asking her to say "Mom ya caught me being smarmy."  *sigh*  Then the carton finally got put in the fridge. with that quirky grin of hers. 

A late bed time became even later when she informed me of some things she was missing. So off to the pharmacy we went... When we got home she had a sensory melt down.  After we resolved the sensory thing. She got ready for bed. I came in to check on her and found her now gleefully using the things she just had a melt down over, looking up at me with a now guilt ridden look on her face while her mouth was insisting it was still a big bad awful sensory experience.  I just praised her "Woo hoo look at you overcome that fear! Thank you for trying, your doing a great job."
(She got so mad at me. I totally know why too :-P  afterwards when I was sharing the scenario with hubby I had to run the water so she didn't hear my peals of giggling.)

The original sensory issue could have totally been real, and now a few minutes later when her Fontal Lobe was no longer hijacked by her Amygdala, she could handle it. So I cuddled her, and after a few words I asked a simple question. "So if you played with that when I wasn't here does that mean you win and I lose?"
She said "Yes..."
"So catching you at it does that mean I get a point?"
She said "Yes." (I was this child... figuring this one out was so easy.... I just thought what would my teen brain be doing).
I held her tight and said "Oh honi if you over come this issue it's a win for you, and to set the record straight I can't win or loose in this game your playing because we'll honi I'm not."
She was confused "Not what?"
"I'm not playing your game." I replied as I kissed her and sent her off to brush her pearly whites.

But I realized the first thing I did totally wrong was:  I should have insisted on Breakfast IN Bed.

Desperate Women

Dr. Desouza came and spoke at Tuesday night prayer meeting. He was pretty clear and concise about the plight of women in India and other surrounding countries. Ever since the sentencing of the men this past week tension has been high and all eyes in India are looking at the mindset of Asia toward women.
If you want more info we have some resources here and viewpoints of India here.

I came across this article on the ratio of men and women in India, (LINK) it is interesting to read that even the people of India can see the need for change. Infanticide of girl babies needs to stop.   When you consider the point of view of the family a girl baby is not going to care for her parents when she is older, Instead a dowry must be raised and that can be a crippling cost, (Dowry was outlawed in 1961 yet people are still asking for it and paying for it.) the culture overall places more value on boys than on girls.  

I recall a conversation I had with my Hindi teacher (high caste Hindu)  in New York over 12 years ago. We were discussing dowry and she mentioned bride burnings... What the heck is bride burning? I thought.  She went on to talk about this law that was put in place 1986 to stop the practice.  My mind was reeling as she explained how some families profit by repeated marriages.  So they had to put a law in place that says essentially if your wife dies under suspicious circumstances within the first 7 years her family can ask for the dowry back.  We discussed how it's ok for the husband to burn his bride and then remarry, get another dowry and improve his lifestyle.  My mind was boggling! Her view was it was better to have boys because they are safely under your eye.  

Heres what (with my western mindset) I do not get... Ok girl babies are being aborted, boy babies are better, men can murder their wife and its often ignored and can remarry but ladies who's husbands die are cast out and not allowed to remarry.  Talk about a double standard!  Am I the only one thinking this is going to lead to a shortage of females?  Yet the practices continue, Ladies in India are starting to speak up for themselves but in such a male dominated society, the only way to reach them is through other ladies.

I think this is one reason why when my husband first shared Revolution in World Missions with me and I jumped on the website I looked first to see if they had woman missionaries, and they did! That really mattered to me. You know Jesus elevates women, his treatment of the woman at the well, Mary sitting at his feet and how he handled the woman caught in prostitution (Where is the guy in that story anyway?) all point to a God who loves us and values us for ourselves.

I can see how Sweet Potato was listening to Dr. Desouza, It certainly did not look like she was at the time. She has been struggling all day with thoughts of her birth father. We know so little of her story and it's hers to tell so I can't share it here, but she thinks and thinks "What kind of a man was he who fathered me?"  When people share how tough it can sometimes be to be a woman in India. She spirals into the unknown.  I so wish I had answers for her and I so wish she would just be grateful to be in a safe loving home. eh we can't have everything... Someday I hope she gets answers to her questions, and until then I pray for the peace of God to fill all the lonely corners of her heart.

The Waiting Assignment

So Jeff Goins was the keynote for the last night of the Declare Conference. He gave us this assignment to write about a time you waited. So I am going be a good example to my kids and do my homework right away. I liked that his talk was about living in the "middle time, the in between time."  How we need to stop waiting for X to happen and get on with living, being content right here right now. Part of me is in the praying waiting time for adoption #3 Should we? Can we? Is our family ready? We need to move to a larger home can we afford it?  I'm not antsy, I feel deep down inside when the time is right God will tell us, and we can move forward. I have plenty of peace about it. What I wrote down on my card last night, during his talk was "property... adoption?" because that is what I am waiting on the Lord for.

Jeff did this great bit during the give away... making us hold our tickets and waiting with baited breath to know who won the giveaway. After the winner was chosen, he challenged us to rip up the ticket if we felt we were waiting for X and if we were willing to choose to live in the in between spaces of our lives.

I didn't rip my ticket.
Did I hear a gasp? 

I didn't feel that way at all. I am living in the now, my life is not on hold because I'm waiting for something... I have plenty of wondrous things to be doing. Jeff gave me confirmation that I'm doing what God wants me to do *happy dance* I'm not always comfortable. I'm not always happy dancing, but I do know IF I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will be content.

So to fulfill the assignment I will write about the "No Good Awful Waiting Time" in my life.

But... First let me go get permission from my child to tell her part of the story...

*Interlude music plays*

Ok sorry about the wait she said "Yeah you can."

So here is The No Good Awful Waiting Time Story...

Long ago their was a childless couple that chose to adopt from India. They took classes, went to seminars, read up on India. They loved India. They applied, they filled out paperwork, they prayed, they filled out more paperwork, they prayed, they paid, they filled out more paperwork, and paid, and prayed, and paid, and paid... (thanks to grandpa and grandpa helping). One day they heard, your child's guardianship decree will be signed in 2 weeks... That is my birthday!" said the Mom, what a great birthday present. The weeks passed quickly, but no phone call, no email, nothing... but... silence.

The next month friends of theirs who parents lived in India went for a visit. They generously took their dad the doctor, to go see the bundle of joy waiting to come home. They took her presents from mom and dad to be... but the orphanage stored them away. The clothing was to big and stuffed animals are too hard to keep clean.  Sweet Potato went into the hospital about a week later, she was sick. Dad prayed and cried and prayed some more. Mom prayed and worried. They waited and waited, was their little girl better? How was she faring??? All they heard was silence.

Weeks later they received a report, it listed a 2 day hospital stay, their child was fine.   Weeks of wonder, worry, and prayers for no reason. Meanwhile they have been waiting on the judge, why has the judge not signed the paperwork? All eyes are on email from India, when will it come???  The agency investigates no adoptions are being signed for anyone. The agency visits India and talks to the orphanage. The only judge who does adoptions has not been into work since that last communique of the fall saying the decree will be signed. He's retiring in December. He has no reason to work, is the rumor. Mom and dad continue to wait. An email arrives, Sweet Potato is in the hospital again,  Three weeks go by before they know she is ok. Finally the latest update arrives and to their shock they discover she was in and out of the hospital more than once!  The praying, the waiting, the all eyes on the child prize is wearing them down. All they talk about is the adoption that is not happening.

A new judge appears on the scene. Everyone is excited till they find out she can take up to 30 days to review her job. She's allowed another 30 days to review cases.  The judge uses all her days.  Sweet Potato is again in and out of the hospital, reports that are coming in are not good. She is not anywhere near the target for weight, height, or development. No adoptions means the orphanage is now understaffed and overpopulated. Eighty percent of the children are just waiting for paperwork to be signed so they can go home.

Mom and Dad recruit others to pray. Mom can't take it any more, her expectation of my baby will be home in 14 months, became 18 months, which turned into we just don't know. Feeling isolated, Mom goes up for prayer and cries on pastors shoulder. Firm words of God's love, and His plan are given, but not received. The waiting is unbearable.

Tearful talks with Ms. Social Worker gives direction. "Go do something" she says "Anything! Find a new hobby, learn a new language, have times when adoption is not allowed to be mentioned in your home." They take the advice. They take a class in Hindi. Mom takes up the most obscure sport of curling, because she always wanted too. She finds out shes not good at, it but she likes to play anyway. Dad finds solace in music, and they wait, and pray, but still all they hear is silence.

So in the middle of February when they feel they have nothing to celebrate, they choose to celebrate anyway.  A weekend in the city where they honeymooned. Eating chocolate, fantastic chinese food and not talking about the child in India.  They find themselves again, they reconnect, they rejoice in each other.

Spring marches on:
Good news! The judge is looking at cases. Finally!
Bad news she is rejecting cases...
Tremendous news!!! Mom and dad are approved! one of only three cases she approved out of fifty.

but..

Don't you just hate the but...

Mom and dad are missing a piece of paper. It expired while their eyes were on India and not on boring paperwork. All the other paperwork is going to expire if they don't get this one fixed ASAP. After 3 weeks of torture and agony *Yippie* Ms. Social Worker manages a slam dunk and fixes it.

Mom and dad breath in a big sigh of relief, they can travel. They finally meet Sweet Potato on Mother's Day, eight months after the first judge said he would sign the decree.

I'd end with they lived happily ever after, but this isn't a fairy tale, and well they lived like any other adoptive family... and if you're an adoptive parent you know what I'm talking about. 

I learned:
To trust God with my child's health and to know he is a the Father to the fatherless.
     I like Hindi.
        I'm not going to make the olympic curling team.
          To take walks and stop and smell the flowers.
            To start to let go and trust God to know what he is doing.
               I rediscovered my passion for my husband and that when our nest is empty
                 we will still be best friends.

So readers live in the in between times don't be afraid, don't wait for the next step, enjoy life today.

Can you hear the anguish in my voice?

This is my response to a plea for prayer for disrupted adoptions. Which I agree we do need to pray for these terrible situations where the these wonderful children get "returned" and wounded even more deeply. My heart breaks for them.

Many adoptive parents get a bad bad bad case of "It won't happen to me." Or " I Have been a parent I don't need your training."  When given training or books to read, or new ideas to accept, they balk because "Adoption Should NOT be this HARD!" Which I have said many many times.
A child is placed and after its "official" the child difficulties grow exponentially.

I'm just going to tell it like it is, overall the church in America is judgemental and un-supportive. When faced with a adoptive parent in crises they judge or drift away.  When an adoptive parent tries all the "tried an true" methods of acceptable parenting... they don't work. When they reach out for help, they are viewed  as odd, over protective, or to harsh, and weird. We are often rejected not only by the outside world but also by friends and family. Thank God above not my family.  As the support for their family, their person, their faith crumbles about them... they feel like total and abject failures, and they look like failures from the outside too!   They are failing and they have no idea why!

 The more they try to love or correct the child the harder it gets. Social workers are limited, they are often overwhelmed with other cases and leave adoptive parents hanging in the wind. Your done, your on your own, once the child is placed and officially adopted the support for the family is often just no longer available. Not to mention the shame factor in all of this. Think about how much gumption it takes to reach out and seek help in the first place. Sacrificing pride and having to say this is a mess and I need help. When you often hear... "What you have problems?? but I thought the child should be grateful to have a family!" 

Finding a therapist that can help and see the issues from the perspective of "This is a traumatized child", NOT "This a parenting/family issue" is also extremely difficult.  Especially when the parents may not even realize that Trauma is what is truly the underlying issue. So even those that seek therapy just dig the hole deeper the more they try to help the worse it gets.

Can you hear the anguish in my voice? I have been in those places where life is so hard, nothing works. I have cried out for help and heard crickets from the church, and watched my friends drift away or become uncomfortable.  My family on the other hand was super supportive and kept telling me to stick with it, find an answer, keep pursuing the best for your family. I remember Karen S. coming to me in a day of need because God told her to. That support gave me hope and the desire to continue.  But what about families that hear "That child is pulling apart your family." "The child is the problem." "What have you gotten yourself into?" "I could never do what you are doing, I have no idea how you manage. I would have given up." "Don't you worry about the safety of your other/birth children." "Why are your bothering?" "Maybe they should be in an institution, since you can't handle them." Or my personal favorite "You know how hard this adoption stuff is and your doing it again?"   And yes some of these have been spoken to me directly, some have been spoken to dear friends of mine.

Having found Tapestry, Karen Purvis, TBRI Parenting and learned way more than I ever wanted to learn about sensory processing and the brain. We found hope and began to succeed, to connect with our "trauma" child. To see her heal and grow and thrive. Thank the Lord for supportive family, GFA, and the friends who listened and supported instead of running away because the situation looked awful.
Lately each week I'm with a set of like minded adoptive parents that...

•  Realize the tool box for disciplining a adoptive child is much much smaller than a birth child.  
• A group that realizes "normal" family life for your birth family is not "normal" in our adoptive family. 
• A group that realizes that what looks like defiance and rebellion may be a sensory issue creating a fear response. 
• A group that realizes a child's trauma and history may defines that child's reaction in any interaction. If you fail to remember it or are unaware of it chaos ensues. 

Having this support helps me stick with techniques that look like I'm rewarding bad behavior, and thus am I judged... When in reality I'm having compassion on my child or just feeding a need that causes the fear (and the bad behavior) to disappear. Personally I'd rather be judged by the world/church on my weird odd parenting and have a kidlet that connects to me. Than loose my child when they turn 18 because I cared more about how the world sees me, than I did about my relationship with my child.

Lets also think for a moment and realize it is more than just the parents, the traumatized children, or the system. Your reaction as the body of Christ does matter.  Take some time to pray also for:

• Families in crises, parents and children that are swamped, overwhelmed, hurting.  
• Parents that do not want to return their dream, their child but are so lost and hurt they see no other option for their life. 
• Children who have been disrupted and have lost hope. 
• Pray for those parents who are hanging on, as their world crumbles and support drifts away. 
• The OT, PT, Speech Therapists and Pediatricians that spot and identify sensory processing issues and help these children to heal. 
• For Karyn Purvis and David Cross as they chart the course of these new techniques that work!! 
• Pray for parents sticking it out, that they can bring their children to a place of felt safety and true healing. 

Looking Back to Move Forward.

This weeks TBRI homework was watching an awesome DVD on attachment. As per usual it's another fantastic video on how we can help ourselves, help our children.  Sadly it involves looking inward and sorting through your junk history.   I took heart when the author of The Whole Brained Child talked about how when we choose to process our memories step back and really examine them. As opposed to wallowing in them. 

When we process our "stuff, baggage, history" we actually change the nuro pathways in our brain! I wonder if that is why after a while if we deal with our grief the grief becomes less.  For example, when my grandma died last October if I thought about her I would burst into tears. This went on for weeks, but I blogged, I talked to my friends, I remembered her with my family. All those activities allowed me to identify my feelings in a healthy way, with people who I trusted and loved.  Each time I walked through that grief it got less raw, less painful, less overwhelming.  I bet that was the incredible amazing brain God gave me pruning and messing with my nuro pathways to move me from grief to acceptance.

These last few weeks I've been able to really look back at my attachment style, sort through my history and see wow I don't think I have ever really dealt with "not putting away the hose".  I can see I have horrible guilt buried deep down I have not processed. Just so you know "not putting away that hose" sent some one to the hospital and plastic surgery was needed. I know I have been granted forgiveness for that act, but I never put in the work to process it. Just thinking about it brings so much emotion to the surface. I realize I need to process this, think about it rationally pick it a part and remind myself. I am forgiven and I have been forgiven for a very long time. Knowing that each time I go through that memory those feelings that the horribleness will start to dissipate and I can truly own that forgiveness that was granted. Just think; writing this blog helped me prune a few of those raw synapses that I need to process through.

Its never fun to dig down and examine ourselves in fact Karyn Purvis and David Cross both said this is hard work, It's not going to be fun, but it will make you a better parent, it will release things inside of you that is holding you back from a great relationship with your child and people around you.

Irrational Fears

Last night at TBRI training we talked about implicit memory and how memory can be laid down early in life, as early as in the womb. Ok to remove the psychobabble: implicit memory, is memory you don't think about.  Remember when you were learning to ride a bike?  You thought about your balance, how to move your feet, how to keep the tires pointed in the right direction.  But now if you hop on a bike you just ride it. You are no longer actively thinking about all the parts and pieces of the act of riding a bike. Once you learn how to ride a bike you don't forget.   Implicit memory is that type of memory, memory you don't think about.

TBRI is encouraging us to look back and think about baggage/stuff we may have in our journey that can be hampering us or holding us back from a great attachment with our child(ren).  We as the big person need to face that stuff, realize it's there and move forward. It also helps us to look with compassion on our children when they are looking totally out of their minds.

I remember my first aha moment about implicit memory (tho I didn't call it that at the time).  When I was a child I hated to put my face in the water. I was in beginners swim lessons I believe 7 times! Go ahead feel sorry for my long suffering Mother :-)  In fact I remember the day my mom (made a very good decision) to just sign me up for advanced beginners. It was at the pool complex in E.A. I wasn't tall enough to look in the window without standing on my toes. Much to my shock and astonishment she LIED to the woman behind the counter. Well it was more of a lie of omission The lady assumed I had FINALLY passed  and Mom just let her believe it. I was a pest, I started to pull at my mom to tell her to correct the lady that I was still a failure and I had not passed. Mom shushed me with a twinkle in her eye. Can you picture my childish face with a big O of astonishment that my mom would trick them into letting me into advanced beginner classes. Still even more shocked, mom was deceiving the lady in the window!

As we walked back to the car I was adamant that I had not passed, My moms response was "Oh I don't like your teacher,  and you can do everything you need for advanced beginners it silly he's not passing you. It's time for you to move on."  I felt like mom believed in me, the teacher was right I had not passed one part of the test. I would not put my face in the water.

The teacher in advanced beginners was not so strict and only asked me to do it for a split second. I loved her, if I didn't put my face in for rhythmic breathing she wasn't so hard and encouraged me to do as much as I could. I also did not want to get left behind anymore so I'd screw up my face and try even tho  inside I just wanted to scream because it was so hard to do. I hated putting anything over my mouth. But water was the most scary thing on my face. I had no idea why water on my face was scary but it used to freak me out down to the core. Can we say irrational fear? I love playing at the pool but not if it involved putting my face in the water. I loved the back stroke the side stroke, the breast stroke etc. I even went on to become a life guard and everything. (Much to the astonishment of my long suffering mom.)

But I have a confession to make; every single time I'm swimming with my face in the water I'm counting 1. 2. 3. Breath! when I turn my head I get such relief Yeah Air!  Then I have to count again till I can breath again. I'm still deep down inside fighting that fear from rising and hating the water in my face. I'm in my late forties you would think I'd be over it by now. I'm not.

I had No idea for years why I have this deep irrational fear of my face being in the water. Till... one day were sitting around telling stories. Mom tells a story of me being 2 years old and falling in a pond. I wasn't in long and she pulled me out by my diaper. (Inside I was saying THAT IS IT! that is why I'm afraid.) Mom said I was fine and nothing bad happened.  I mentioned my aha moment and Mom dismissed it as You can't possibly remember that, you were to young. You young lady were just stubborn. (I'll grant you she was right I was stubborn oh boy was I stubborn!)

To this day I still hate water in my face. I won't put my face under the shower cause why feel so stressed that early in the day. I love swimming but I will get out of a pool if my face gets too splashed by the kids. When I swim I use life guard strokes. In life guarding you keep your head out of the water so you can keep eye contact with the victim. I rejoiced when I discovered the lifeguard strokes were like that. I did a happy dance inside.

So here I am, I have this irrational fear from an event that took less than 3 minutes (cause I'd be dead if it had taken longer) it was probably only a few moments that laid down this memory that is so nebulous it is only emotion water in face = fear, I do not have enough air. No I cannot recall it as a moment in time and relive it and re-experiences the sounds and sights but I do have an implicit memory.

So much of our adopted kiddos history and behavior is wrapped up in these types of irrational fears. I need to learn too not dismiss my daughters fear of tornadoes. She really thought we were going to get hit and die. We didn't and nothing bad happened. I need to recall dark clouds and high winds and the monthly siren test will give rise to this fear in her.  I just need to let her talk it out, express herself and hide my rolling eyes and desire for her to be over this already.  Rather I need to think back to how I still feel about my irrational fears and look with eyes of compassion. I can ask her to "Tell me about about it." and then shut up and listen with compassion, because ultimately that is all that is needed.

Better Mondays

So after re-evaluating our Mondays, I now have Sweet Potato do 3 things from Mondays school day on the Friday before. What she gets out of this, is she has a very short school day on Monday. She also is not required to be at the school table till 9:30 am. That equals an extra half an hour of sleep.

Yes we have had a few protests of it's not fair, but now after 3 weeks of Mom and Sweet Potato not melting down on Mondays, she is beginning to like it. I also have been rewarding finished school with an episode of Phineas and Ferb.

This Monday she woke up with the attitude of I'm going to have a bad school day. I think the TBRI  parenting classes are kicking in. One we all got more sleep. Two I was having more "compassion" not to be confused with pity/feeling sorry for my child. Three I did put on my Private Eye hat and really think about what is triggering her.  Lately when we get to math instead of handing her the work book. I put one problem at a time on the chalk board.  This totally helps her think I can do this its only one problem. Instead of being faced with 5-10 problems on a page that may overwhelm her.

And wallah we have better Mondays. She did get anxious a few times but I was able to calm it down.  Also she was done by 1:30pm had plenty of free time.

Mama didn't feel like doing primal screams in the back yard. :-)  I wonder how long this technique will work for but I'll take it, for as long as it works.

Taking Care of Mom or We must Retrench!

Last week the chatter on the HOD boards was about ME TIME, how to get it and do we need it. Don't we all think as Supermom Christians  we're never supposed to be sad, depressed, worried, burned out, selfish, or backslide!  We tend to display to the world a exemplary life "having it altogether" That  Really my life is fabulous motif  hahahaha!!!   How many of us have sat through sermons exhorting us to a strong spiritual life leaning daily on the Holy Spirit and then go home to a emotional and physical mess and think "I'll never make it".  At Irving Bible Church last night they had a great speaker. His name is Rett Smith, But oh my goodness he was such a babe in arms! He even opened with Yes I'm sooo young what can I possibly know to help you. Too funny! 

Over all his message was good. I think if he read Bondage Breaker his message about anxiety would change a wee bit. But he was right on in so many places!  Overall he affirmed to me. We are going the right direction with Sweet Potato.  Now if ever a child is anxious it is Sweet Potato... We all have fears in our lives, but she is a child living in perpetual fear. When she is not afraid, she picks a new thing to be afraid about. Unless she is having to much fun to be bothered. She is afraid of grey clouds because they might turn green and then it's a tornado.   I used to be afraid a volcano would grow up in the back yard and start spewing lava everywhere.  So I understand where irrational fears come from. Even rational fear need not make one anxious forever, for example: I was once in a bee swarm and got covered in stings. I have a rational fear of bees, but after 25 years I no longer jump up and run away.  I'm back to "It won't bug you, if you don't bug it." and only hyperventilating for a minute or 2. We don't have to live stuck to our anxiety.  Rett Smith said just because kids are good at 38 things does not mean they need to be involved in 38 things. It creates to much anxiety, then he quietly said:

• "Kids should be involved in one thing at a time." 

Think about that for a minute.  How much time would you as a Mom gain if your kids were only in one Hobby at a time?  How much family time would you gain? If you have a family of 3 with kids in just 2 different things. You could be looking at getting in the car and driving to 6 "activities" a week, add in bible study, or Awana, play dates, sleepovers and what is left for you and your family?

I know self sacrificing to the point of burn out does no one any good. Yes I see Heroes of the faith standing up and living a life of sacrifice above and beyond human ability.

• I also learned these heroes of the faith have a prayer life often 4 hours long.
  That is a heck of a lot of alone time! 
• How can we continue to pour out if we don't pour into ourselves?  

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got as a parent was from my sister. "When your expectations are too high, Lower Them."  the next great piece of advice I heeded was from Thompson's book "When Love is Not Enough"  It told us to look in the mirror and if we resembled the image Which I did, to ask ourselves "If I was a child would I want to be parented by that?"  And she also recommended Retrenching: Reduce or diminish (something).  In our case we removed Girl Scouts, Dance Class, and Gymnastics from our activities to focus on our child who needed more Mom and Dad time and less be all you can be time. 

Rett quoted  Mark 12 28-31
²⁸ One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I loved how he used this verse to show how Jesus wants us to take care of first things first. This is the part where you fill up your jug before you go and pour it out on your family and others. I loved looking up at his slide and saying YES, this is what I have found to work! He broke it up in to 4 parts

• Heart: Keeping your spirits up, Coffee with a friend, Date nights with your man. 
• Soul: Keeping close to God, Personal retreats, Quiet time, Praying together.
• Mind: Keeping mind sharp, Hobbies, Non fiction books, learning new things.  
• Body: Keeping your body fit: Exercise, eat healthy food. 

All these pieces of the puzzle will enable us to be strong, and pour ourselves back out into our families and the body of Christ. Often to have the time to do these things we need to say No. Saying no to teaching a class, or saying no to our child because the event is to late, to far, to much. It also allows us to say, Yes to game nights with friends, walks to the playground, time of wonder to sit and just be or just think, for kids to sit and swing. Time to walk the dog and chat with the neighbors, to lay outside and look at the clouds with your child.

Yes if your child is fabulous at Soccer put him in Soccer, but you don't have to be the soccer mom 5 times in a row. Really if you don't do it someone else will rise to the occasion,  or you just bring your own drinks for your own kidlet, its really not as enormous as its chalked up to be.  He doesn't have to play both seasons, if he wants to take a painting class let him drop soccer for a season. involvement is great, but not if you are all to tired to enjoy each other at the end of the day.

So go ahead try it, say no till your kid is down to one thing, take time to have coffee with a friend, take a nap, gaze at the stars, walk to the park and enjoy a more sedated paced life.

What Mom can compete with the Evil Twin

I talked to my sister last night and she came up with Evil Twin Mom title.

Yesterday was a a rough homeschooling day. One where everyone ends up crying and the principal is called in. I had to run errands in the afternoon and It's never fun when you have to bring school with you. I was having one of those days where I could tell the child was imputing some hurt or pain on to me.

Foolishly asking "WHY are you being this way????" only brought more grief to Mama.  Finding myself begin manipulated by the child yet again. while I'm driving  It just made me so doggone mad! So I did the safe thing and pulled over, parked in the shade and said "Look I pulled this beat right over!  Were gonna sit here for a bit so Mama can cool off."

I then went back to Karyn Purvis's scripts cause when we fail, it's best to just go back to the beginning and try again. Sweet Potato is so worth working though all these issues she's got.

I asked the age old question that always works.. "What will make this better?"  silence
"Do I need to apologize for something?
silence
but I wait for it..
and
Wait for it...

She looks at me and says "You won't like it."
Me: "I got big shoulders."

Long story short She has been carrying around a chip on her shoulder all day because I was mean.
You see She asked me (my evil twin) in her imagination, if she could do something.
My imaginary (evil twin) self told her "No". Wow she's got one wild imagination! Glad to see it developing after all these years. 

I told her to ask me the "real" Mom in the car with her at that moment.
SW: But you will say No...
Me: Try me just try me...
SW: Can I do XYZ?
Me: Yes when your school is finished of course.
SW: I can
Me: Sure if you have free time.
SW: Oh..
Me: So  you have been mad at me all day for something I didn't do?
SW: I suppose... yeah..
Me: I'd like an apology.
SW: sorrrrry

I'd like to point out this is not a good apology. She is not using her words, she is not owning up to her fault.

At this point I made her redo the apology and I told her what I needed her to say. I knew that was the fastest and easiest way to get it over and done, so we could move on from this awful place we have been living in all day.

I'm reminded of Corrie Ten Boom, when she was asked for forgiveness by a Nazi guard. She didn't want to give it, but she did say the words because it is what God wanted for her. Then after she had said it, the feelings came.  I think this is really an important step to do in parenting. Even if she doesn't say it like she means it, right now. The feelings of being forgiven will come, I think that is most important, when you are angry at someone it hurts you far more than it hurts the person you are angry at.

CTC Unit 5 Week in Review

This week we had 2 digit X 2 digit math problems, I found a few holes in Little Miss Sunshine's math. I'm glad of all the techniques Singapore has to do the math mentally, but I have to admit I plugged her back into Rapid Recall, since each problem took 7 minutes to complete for either of my girls. One because she was just messing with me and the other because she was counting up or doing a number line for each individual multiplication step. I love Rapid Recall it is fantastic for training the children to learn the math facts. Also when the math facts become automatic it makes them so dog gone happy.  It is only 7 minutes a day and after 10 weeks if they have not achieved mastery you can repeat it.  So If your kid is quick they can memories all 4 sets of math facts in less than one year. 

Our Robert Frost paintings. 

 Sweet Potato although terrified of thunderstorms, continues to put lighting bolts on her paintings. Because mom they are super awesome and I love lighting bolts.  

My girls being Whirling Dervishes   

Whirl, Whirl ,Whirl    

Hey mom I'm not dizzy!

Keeping one foot flat on the floor really does help you not get dizzy!

Note booking pages

Science, Little Miss Sunshine made the clay and forgot she used up all the salt in the house so they had to share the one lump of dough. Little Miss used a tooth pick to make the tracks while Sweet Potato impressed them into the clay like tracks. They started to dispute amongst themselves as to which was the better technique.  I love using humor to pop them out of bad behavior. I hollered at them "Girls! Girls! you're both pretty!"  It's a phrase from Mega Mind, one of our favorite movies.  They both cracked up laughing. If you have never seen it here is a clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmFXEcI_AA4

This week was tough, homeschooling often makes me frustrated and stressed, rarely does it make me cry. Blogging about it really helped, talking to my mom also helped. I often write posts that I never publish they are unfinished, or just pity parties. They act like a trigger journal for me. When I'm thinking straight I can go back and reread them I see patterns and what is triggering the bad behavior, I spot the days when I've been manipulated. It's very helpful and I can tell I have a lot of growing to do :-)

Thursday I worked in the cafe for the morning, I tasked them with getting all independent work completed before the afternoon. After lunch I set the timer, I controlled my desire to rabbit trail, and taught them the subject matter till it was done, or the timer went off. Anything not completed was declared "homework" and will be done after chores and before free time.  It was sooooooo freeing. After I had taught all my bits I got up took care of my sick Knight in Shining Armor, set aside my teacher hat and put on my helpful Mom hat.

I enjoyed Thursday far more than any other day this year. :-) No tears, no whining, no pity parties, no yelling! Thank's God for helping me. :-) he does answer prayers. 

Connecting

After a pretty lax first day of school, working at the ministry, some emails for the ministry, and more school, I hopped out to water my gasping garden. Imagine my disappointment when I realized the birds had gotten all the ripe tomatoes. Booo Hoo! Bad Birds!!! Off to Rosemeade Market  I went to get tomatoes for homemade salsa.

The kids wanted to come with me, so I let them. I love my new to me car in that, the passenger side air bag turns off when a kid sits in the front seat. Sweet Potato asked "Can I sit in the front with you?" I said "Yes!"  oo getting in an extra yes today. Off we went, we saw our favorite cashier behind the counter and got a deal on red bell peppers .99 cents each!

As were driving back home I change to an oldies station. Normally I keep it on the Christian radio station because the music is so awesome, but lately they have been running so many boring commercials.  I notice Sweet Potato is pouting because apparently she doesn't like rock n roll. Does this mean I get an A+ in Christian parenting? On comes the song More Today Than Yesterday... sitting at a long light Little Miss Sunshine and I are car dancing to the music. Yes I have one eye on the road and the light!  So were being silly, Sweet Potato is looking out the window ignoring her weird family, but we start singing the song to her. She looks up at us, glances and looks away then looks back, starts to giggle. I love how most of this song fits how much I love her.
"Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow" 
The whole chorus can just be sung over and over at her.  I loved how she broke out of the "You Guys are so WEIRD" thing and just enjoyed being sung at till the light turned green. I could tell I was connecting and she was accepting my love, my words, Yippie.  You know who cares if the person in the car next to me thinks I'm as nutty as a squirrel. Being goofy with my kids makes me approachable something I need work on, not to mention it is also very fun.

Walking The Walk

Today we got together with another adoptive family and watched chapter 4 of Trust Based Parenting.

Usually we watch the chapter and then discuss it.  How it applies to our lives, where were going wrong, what were doing right, and is it working in our homes etc. Not today we were constantly stopping and starting the video to talk about how it worked in our homes. We could not stop chatting about our failures, yup like many other parents I'm sure I'm scarring my children for life, and our successes in the journey our families are on. I really enjoy these times with other like minded families, it's a place to share our growth and back sliding without fear.

We chatted about how other people just don't get it.  So often as an adoptive parent, your child displays grief of an unknown origin. If you mention this to a natural mother they often respond, "But they have so much love here in their new home why should they cry?" I love how my friend put it. "Can you picture me responding to this mom, oh so if I took your kid, and moved them into a new home you can just be replaced by another home and love?"

Sweet Potato used to fantasize about her birth mom, then she got angry at her, now she loves her, but it just makes her sad.  Today's chapter talked about letting the child talk about birth parents, and how the child will go though many differing chapters of their stories before they get to the heart of how they feel. Often children are incapable of handling the emotion of their life. They do not have all the tools in their tool box yet.  Think about it. Somehow we believe this story of everything is better now that the child is in a safe and loving home.  When adults who experiences these same type of traumas often need years of therapy, even when they are in a safe and loving home.

Where did we get the idea that children can handle the rough stuff? Ok, yes we see that they can adapt to many unusual situations.  I have a sneaking suspicion it's is out of necessity and not out of an inherent ability. If Karyn Purvis is right, the kids aren't necessarily adapting, but rather retreating into a lower level of brain function. So they are walking, but they may not be talking.

I do want to share how I managed to diffused a situation this week... yet again Sweet Potato was  purposely messing up the last problem in her math worksheet. She could do it, but was playing dumb. I really get annoyed at this behavior it can trigger my dark side. I so want to praise her success's, I hate to see her fail on purpose.  I figured out she was delaying, wasting my time and failing on purpose, she so knew the answer! Instead of raising my voice or flipping out, I told her she was gonna get it... I got an ice cube from the freezer and chased her like a goofy mom around the house, till I cornered her (she let me) and popped it down the back of her shirt. Yeah!  instead of me pulling a freak face, and blowing it.  I ended up with playful interaction and us in a giggling heap at the end of it.

OH one of THOSE days

Today was pretty good over all but  Sweet Potato was a bit of a bitter pill, and in fact has been just icky lately. She finished her school books last week for 5th grade (just not math) and I told her we would start on 6th in about 2 weeks. Now her sister finished the first week of May, and we had sundae's and a movie. Gotta love that new Almond dream frozen Ice cream like stuff So Sweet Potato could participate in that. 

Now for the last week I've been on bed rest,  Saturday I managed to get to the Holt Adoptee picnic and last the whole time, after which I retired to my cushie bed and fell asleep most of the rest of the day. Sunday I managed to make Church, nap and go to a quiet get together with friends where I basically sat and listened to a sweet 20 something. Oh was I ever that young?  My my my... So since I have been on bed rest I figured the girls would pitch in and help. Last week the girls did do some work but left the majority of it to their father.  I thought I had them better trained than that. I'm finding evidence of slacking everywhere today now that I'm not totally comatose. 

Icky Additude examples:

Mom finds all the hard boiled eggs needed for Picnic are barely soft boiled... Mom knows she gave clear instructions. Child even checked with Mom when water was not boiling to makes sure it wasn't really boiling... then went and turned off the water so it wouldn't boil. Because she wanted them to fail. Her heart at that time:  Mom is faking needing to lie down and should do her own work and I don't care or feel like doing her work.  Yup I faked almost blacking out and asked you to finish this terribly hard job of boiling water, my idea of a good time is being asleep all day. 

Oh how bout me trying to encourage friendships. "I know honi not a lot of people call you for play dates why not call some one and invite them over here." 

Instead of calling and making a plan she calls 5 minutes before she wants to play, In which her friend says No sorry I have plans for "Right Now"  or makes a play date without checking in with mom, and has to send her friend home because its just not working out for us at that time because she knew it was a bad time for mom. Seriously she knew! before hand! I got the reason out of her today your gonna love this "Because I'm not a good friend and I don't want to make it work, or act normal."  Well at least she got the whole marching to the tune of her own drummer thing down. 

Today I find that for the last week Sweet Potato has been purposely putting things in the wrong place... this is her idea of fun... The hiding got so bad last year I had to make a rule: I find "it" any "it your directly responsible for" in the wrong place, you loose a token... You don't want to loose all your tokens (3). I gave her grace I found 5 "it's" in the wrong place all at once and only took 1 token because she was down 1 already...

Yesterday while I was taking a walk.. well I wouldn't call it a walk more like a saunter mixed in with a stroll,  around the block trying the whole "side hug" "low body language" "ideal parenting thing" of walking and talking with her while she was in a snit.  It WORKED! The reason she was displaying classic maudlin teenage  behavior is *drum roll please* 

We weren't there for her GRADUATION CEREMONY.  

Aren't we horrible bad terrible parents OH MY! Ya know she home schooled I didn't know we did ceremonies for catching up in the summer because you are behind. Oh wait did I say that out loud... noo just in my blog.  OH do read on... read on... 

You see 3 weeks ago we started attending Irving Bible Church because they have programs for special needs kiddos, and purposefully minister to adoptive parents. So we thought we'd give it a go to see if it would be a fit for us. Maybe our kids would feel more comfortable because they would be one of a crowd of adopted kids...   So Sweet Potato was put in the wrong class the first week. She was properly placed in the 5th grade class the second week... and the third week she GRADUATED FROM HER SUNDAY SCHOOL! Wow woo hoooo amazing *can you hear the one hand clapping alone?*  it's a very zen moment.   

Yup she in a all day chip on her shoulder snit, because we were one of the many parents that didn't attend the 5th grade Sunday school graduation. It was described to me by the Children's Ministry guy as "We pray over them as a big group."   Not one word about parents can come and participate... last week her teacher said "Oh she did great!" not one word about "Hey don't forget to attend the class next week because your kid is graduating." And oh yes only a handful of parents came, arn't we Just awful parents leaving her alone and NOT COMING... Oh the drama of it all. Man it sounds like my 13 year old diary reads, Ahh now you know the real reason I never journaled as a kid. I'd reread my diary and say ugh that's just awful! I wrote that eeew... 

Talking to my Mom today she was giggling over the "drama" saying don't worry she will turn into a fine young lady when she is 16.  WOW mom I'm totally holding you to that!!! 

Don't forget my Reusable Grocery Bag give away is still going on 

http://gardenforsara.blogspot.com/2012/05/chicken-give-away-hey-free-stuff.html 

face book shares off of my page count too :-) as long as YOU share Xiaoyun's story and I can track back to you and find you so I can ship it, is all that is needed to enter. :-) 

Chicken Give Away (hey free stuff)

Isn't it cute! 

I'm still super excited for the Chicks for Children Campaign.

So much so I made this really cool reusable grocery bag. 

I'm giving it away Free! 

https://www.mygfa.org/chicksforchildren/

The bag is made from 100% cotton. It is hand painted and one of a kind. I used acrylic paints, which my mom can testify... will only wash out if you mix Era and gasoline together and rub really well... I have hand painted art on fabric before and as long as you wash it in cold water and tumble it dry. It's good for years. 
I'd like to shout out to my friend Michelle who inspired me by showing me this style bag and the blogger who describes in detail how to make your own.  So if you don't win you can still make your own. I switched out the pocket for a simple strap.


From a usability standpoint the strap was just easier!!! It folds up nicely into a pretty compact package that can be stored in a purse or in the trunk.

It fits plenty! inside is 4lb. of sugar, 3 cans, one large container
of trail mix, 4 pounds of beans and a bag of chips.
* Disclaimer* You do not win the contents of the bag, just the bag.

So how can you get your hands on this bag?
It's quite simple...
Share the link to the Chicks for Children campaign on twitter, facebook, (or any social media) or in person to someone your standing next to in the grocery line.
Share my blog post about the bag and I'll put your name in the hat 2x.  (<----------click the facebook link up and to the left).
THEN... Comment* on this blog post and let me know how you shared the link/story/blog.
The Fine Print *You do need to "sign in" when you comment so I can track back to you and let you know if you won.  If you don't sign in, I can't contact you. Any anonymous or non signed in comments will not make it into the hat.  
This giveaway will be open from May 18, 2012 to May 30, 2012.
I'll stick all the comments and shares in a hat and whoever my Chinese adoptee picks, wins! 

I.D.E.A.L Parenting Baby Steps

Wednesday I really chose to pick my battles. Sweet Potato had yet another Doctor appointment. Yippie we get to go to the ENT weeeeeeeeee!!!  This was supposed to be a routine check up a just to make sure nothing is infected and her ears are clear of thick nasty fluid.  NOT!

Before we went the kids were reenacting songs from the Broadway Musical Cats. Little Miss Sunshine made cat tails "Like we did in China mom!."  Sweet Potato really does an excellent job of acting cat like. She can really emote feline.  So were 20 minutes to take off (leaving for the doctor) and the child is still in cat outfit.  I ask myself; is it modest?  check  Do I care that she is wearing a tail? nope Should I make her go out in public dressed properly? NAAAAAA.  I went out to my garden and checked on my peas and there were little leaves sprouting yeah!

I came back in unaware that in those few minutes Daddy picked that battle. And since she is a well trained child she said "Yes Dad" and took off her tail...  But sad to say her heart wasn't in the right place after that.  She used her actions to show her resentment.

13 minutes later I'm doing the last call shoes purses lets go to the ENT yippie! (they always have stickers and lollipops.) Can you believe it Sweet potato is changing her outfit... OH NO! this will take Forever (say it with a valley girl accent for proper effect).  Yup we were late to the Doctor and had to wait extra long.  Daddy was not a happy camper as we waved good bye 10 minutes later.

I took a longer view... its not my appointment its hers if she wanted to be on time she would have been. She is very smart when it comes to things like this. But what I do know is Dad + Late = Disrespect.  Then it all comes out at dinner. She was mad and wanted everyone else to be mad too. So the whole I have to Change  2 minutes before we have to leave was so on purpose!  Why?? because she couldn't wear the tail... Oh the Drama of it all *giggle* I just want you to all know I totally deserve and love this child :-) 

This was an excellent opportunity to use a redo, ask for a compromise, and talk about why we use our words not our actions to tell how we feel. Not a day I'd say we as parents "won" but a good day in practicing the pieces. As a step in our journey I'd say one of us stumbled and the other caught them. Marriage should be like that :-) Next time It will be my turn to fall down.

1 Million Chickens

I don't have much to say today.
 I saw this post and it blew me away, so to be inspired click here:
http://elliourgiftfromgod.blogspot.com/2012/03/xiaoyuns-chicks-for-children.html


Update, Hubby and his team was able to add chickens to the GFA My Campaign web page on Friday. The above blogger started one here: 
https://www.mygfa.org/chicksforchildren/ 
If you use this link you will donate directly to her daughters desire to help 1 million families in India.

Reminiscing, My parents are cool...

Yesterday I was reading an article by the daughter of a leading feminist of our time.  It made me think back to a conversation I had with my dad one fall day when I was in my teens.  I was spouting the latest thing in Feminism. I think I was singing  a perfume commercial remember that one??  I can bring home the bacon... fry it up  in a pan... and never, never let you forget your a man.. cause I'm a women.  Even tho I was quite the tom boy.  I was the anything HE can do, I can do better, type girl. My dad challenged me with a statement, some thing along the line that; Feminism has done as much to hurt the cause of women as much as it has helped them, in fact it may make things worse for women in the long run.

Fast forward to about 10 years ago... it's raining, my newly adopted 2 year old is melting down in the grocery store. The store doors are not opening when you step on the mats and you have to open the door inward. I'm hanging on to a heavy awkward paper bag of bare necessities for dinner,  since I had to abandon my cart due to child's meltdown. All I wanted to do is run home and hide.

A 30 something man is smugly waiting for me to exit the building. Can I open the door, hold on to my groceries and child who is out of control. Well after 3 minutes I managed to open the door and the man said "Thanks for opening the door" as he slips past me.  I was horrified, to my chagrin I thought back to all those times I said to men who opened my door for me "I can do it myself!" Here I obviously needed help yet he waited... why because young ladies like myself had insulted manly chivalrous acts in the past.  I totally deserved his treatment of me. Even if he had pushed the door open I would have had an easier time of it but he waited to watch my humiliation of dropping my groceries and loosing the grasp of my child.

This turns my thoughts to a post I saw on facebook in response to a plea for literacy for women in Asia.  The persons point was if we educate women we take jobs away from men. I remember my mom stressing I needed to go to college so IF I didn't want to get married I didn't have too... IF my husband was a poor provider, became disabled or dead,  I could be the primary wage earner.  IF I wanted to work I could... I could be the captain of my "Employment Ship." Now I'm totally content to stay at home with my children. It's not like, I'm not working. To replace my services to our family would run in the 90k range per year, or so says a book my sister in law sent me.  :-) So I know I'm contributing to the family in a very real way.  

I firmly believe in the LITERACY PROGRAM at GFA. I really feel educating the mother helps the sons and daughters be more educated. A more educated population, hopefully makes better choices in the long run. (I can't ever forget the viewpoint of our driver in India who firmly believed cleft pallets were due to the baby being born during the full moon.) When I think of how widows are seen as a curse on many Asian societies, giving them tools is essential for survival and the success of their children. Is it feminism to believe in the education of women? I suppose on some level it is. I think that turning women into men is an extreme form of feminism.  I can see how men and woman have hugely different strengths and weaknesses. As Rocky says "I got gaps she's got gaps together we ain't got no gaps."

I sometimes worry about our society where fathers have become unnecessary.  Not around here!!! Who would put the kiddos to bed at night????  So here is a big Thank You Dad! for challenging me to think outside the box society was building around me. Not to mention a Huge Thank You to Mom! for helping me to look to my future, you didn't let me grow up ignorant.

Practicing the change in tactics... saying Yes

I practiced saying yes today, I did notice a huge upswing in Sweet Potato's mood too.

Mom can I have some chips?
Yes as long as you drink 2 glasses of water.

Mom will you play a game with me?
Yes, let's play In a Pickle till someone gets 3 tricks. (see how I saved myself from a 3 hour game of Monopoly.) 

Mom can I have a cookie?
Yes, after you finish your orange.

Mom can I play Computer?
No baby, it's not here, but you can play DSI for 20 minutes.  Turned it into a yes... :-)


Mama's been feeling yucky today so Sweet Potato did take advantage of that to hide in her room and play DSI for an hour. Normally I'd be all freaked out by the screen time effecting her brain  ahhhhhh she's loosing brain cells... but since my modus operandi for Mama sick days is to plunk them in front of Qubo and hope their brain's don't fry.. I figured why have a hissy fit? I got a nap and quiet time and a shower!  SCORE! Her sister was practicing piano and I didn't hear the timer go off either.  I actually could see how she could truly have not heard it go off. Her school was done (mostly), she had baby sat for part of her school time too (woo hoo acts of service yeah!).  

So I just pointed out she was over time and as long as the undone chores got done ASAP, I'd not toss any penalty flags.  She almost fainted when I did that... the look on her face said "Mom are you feeling ok?"  well actually child I feel really yucky... so no I'm not feeling ok. LOL 
She said "Sure mom right away." and then happily ran out to pick up dog poo...   Little Miss Sunshine was as mystified as me in Sweet Potato's happy attitude toward poo patrol.  "Mom this is not normal." was heard  to come out of her mouth...

I passed them by later while they were playing piano and tickled both of them... Little Miss Sunshine laughed..  Sweet Potato said Ow ow ow ow... then she laughed.
I'm like "Oh sorry did I hurt you?"
SP: no Mom....
Why did you say Ow?
SP: I don't know...
Mom: can I do a redo?
SP: Yes please *Giggling* then I tickled them both again and they both laughed.

Lets see how this journey goes forward... but boy that In a Pickle game took it out of me... not!!