I Am Humbled by Your Love.

Yesterday when I posted about our dis-invitation I knew I was taking a big step.  In no way did I want to hurt anyone involved.  Random thoughts running around my head on Friday needed to be spoken out loud.  I had intended to publish my blogs quietly and not link to them but let them stand as a silent witness to my hurt and pain. This is my online journal yet when I published my post yesterday I did knowing I would see people drop off my Facebook friends list. In fact I was so curious to know how many would drop me I took note of my current friend total. I'm giggling today because I keep getting more and more friend requests but the tally is +2,  some are dropping off but others who feel I have given them voice are joining in.

The Love that has been poured out on my Facebook board has blown me away. The testimony my friend C posted about our relationship brought me to humbled tears that I was able to make such a difference in her life.

I kept feeling that I had no voice, what I did feel was "fear to speak against leadership." There is a deeply felt need to stay quiet.  As I said yesterday on Facebook Karyn Purvis speaks of "Felt Safety" as a place where children from hard places can find healing. One way we can help them find that safety is to give them voice.  I know we are not children but I could not hide from this thought that I needed to give voice to myself and others who have walked this lonely road of moving on from GFA.

I told some good friends of mine a month ago that I had no axe to grind with GFA. I had left and I did not feel the need to speak out or speak up. But "maybe" "some day" post my blogs. In fact the day I back posted my blog Praying for Leadership  the phone rang almost immediately and my heart lept up and throttled my amgdalya with "Oh no David Carroll has seen it and he's calling me to take it down." It wasn't him but my reaction of "fear" hijacking my brain, gave me pause. I knew to move on, to move forward from fear was to face it. I never intended to land on patheos though I knew there was a possibility it might happen.

To Warren Throckmorton, Thank you for your kind words. My knight and I are experiencing so much freedom and joy and dancing in the moonlight, amidst the grief and pain of our summer. God is so good and gracious to us may his blessing be upon you and may you shine God's light to those in dark spaces.

Let the shunning commence! (tongue in cheek)

So in typical GFA male dominated mentality, I get an email Thursday night sent to my inbox but addressed to my husband. In a sorrowful tone we are asked (by the groom not leadership directly) to not attend Saturdays wedding because we would be a distraction.  And by the way your wife and kids shouldn't come either... Yet this email was sent to the unnamed Wife's email account. Anyone else see the irony in this? An email sent to the wife account but not even addressing her by name shows so much about the mentality women lived with within GFA.


There is that buzz word "distraction" read "not sanctioned" by GFA. What precipitated this piece of discourtesy? Well this article from Christianity Today where my husband is gentle in his "critique" of the ministry, and what precipitated our leaving.  In my blog here I mention it feels like a divorce.   This is what happens in divorce. Here we aren't allowed to show love to the happy couple because of human immaturity.  I guess "Can't we all be adults about this?" doesn't apply here because my husband decided to stand up and be counted.

I am reminded of the quote "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Edmund Burke (I'm not saying GFA is evil, but there is something wrong and it needs to be addressed).

I'm trying to wrap my mind around how much we didn't know, how much my pride was wrapped up in the fruit on the field, of the 100% goes to the field designations.

Throckmorton asked the question in May/ June? (when I was studiously behaving and obeying leadership and not reading him).  How were people within the ministry taking the news of smurfing and the 19.8 million gift.  Well I blogged at the time but didn't make it available to the public.  Here is that post The time of silence is over.  These are my feelings and emotions, of how I was reacting. This is my journey, it was so hard because I Love leadership, I truly care for them. But can no longer live with my choice to follow. My eyes were opened and they could not be shut again.  Our family's therapist took time with me Friday to discuss this bittersweet emotion of being disinvited.  I have to live day in and day out with my choices. If I can't love myself because of shame in my choices I have no one but me to blame. I cannot control the choices of others.

I spent a lot of time alone during the last few weeks at the ministry masking my feelings mainly because I saw those that didn't hide get "publicly shamed." I was so grateful to The Lord for my knight to be essentially courted and handed a job on a platter. Many times The Lord has to be amazingly obvious to me. My heart was so entrenched and that dug out the last root.

I can see why leadership always tosses out exstaff are bitter. As I talked to the therapist she pointed out this action was extremely painful. It will hurt. The beauty of our lives as humanity is that we can feel the hurt, sad for staff, and have compassion on everyone in this mess all at the same time. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We can endure great pain and be compassionate in the midst of it all.  This is the great love extended to us from God.