Requested Voluntary Letters - Ironic? Yes!

The word ethics is meandering though my brain today.  I began to be concerned by the standards of morality that I didn't agree with, stuff that happened to us at GFA in our last year.   I will serve up to you two examples today that made me pause and think.

When the Diaspora letter came in accusing leadership of hurting people, leadership put out a call for staff to voluntarily write the board letters of support. I thought about it, but we were already praying about leaving as we had some concerns, and I didn't think our voice was needed.  We went on with our lives, till' the night before the letter deadline. Right as we were about to go out for a "date night" we got a call from Danny.  In a nutshell, we had not submitted a letter of support and we needed to because it would make "some people" upset if we didn't.  I gave My Knight in Shining Armor the Look.   How many date nights will GFA disrupt in our marriage? Really?  So we sat down and hashed out a letter we could agree with.  I look back and at the time I did believe in leadership, that they would apologize and humble themselves if wrong doing had occurred.  Our letter pointed out that GFA is not a "missions organization" it's not your average non-profit but rather it is a Religious Order.  I felt much of what the ex-staffers didn't understand came from a "this is a mission" point of view not "this is a Religious Order" point of view.  We were not exactly nuns and monks in habits, but to us an Order is not a business and thus will be governed differently.  Our letter also said following your call was not for the faint of heart.  It was not all butterflies and sunshine Oh look a Rainbow Unicorn!  

cliparthut.com

The next example follows the same lines.
As a PR move GFA.org put up a campus life section on the web, full of glowing testimonies of how staff loved GFA.  These testimonies were solicited at a Tuesday night prayer meeting and again were "voluntary."  Again we did not write anything. Again we received a phone call from Danny requesting us to write a bio/testimony but this time we were given instructions on what it should say. The first paragraph needed to state we had collage degree's and had been professionals in the workforce prior to our coming to GFA. I think, but am not sure, they were trying to combat  an accusation they didn't like college educated people. 

My husband and I wrote what we believed, but again it was not all rainbows and butterflies.  The last paragraph really expressed my heart, it was a realistic view of the ministry.  The editor cut down our testimony (we expected that) and what I noticed is she took out all the balance, it became a fluff piece. Worst of all she wholly eliminated the last paragraph. My knight picked up his lance and went to battle with the editor for that paragraph to stay in the testimony in some form, to be included.  I did not want us to be portrayed as starry eyed rose colored glasses "sheeple" christians.  Standing our ground, we did get the realistic part of our testimony put back in.

When the page was up I got a sugar rush as I read through glowing testimony after glowing sugar coated testimony. A few here and there were balanced, but most were rainbows and butterflies.

Ethics come to mind because our letters were in essence coerced from us. We dropped everything to tow the party line for the good of the ministry. I do not know what the board was told about these letters, but GFA at large believed if you sent one in it was voluntary and not required. I worried, did the board know our letter was asked for not given freely?

My husband was feeling empty with no joy in the work. I was noticing rules instead of trust everywhere and although I could continue to justify leaderships behavior to myself and my friends, the patterns were emerging.  Why was trust replaced by a rule but trust never seemed to be extended again after everyone was in line?

Many of the testimonies are gone now as so many people left the ministry since January 2015. Maybe if the letters came about voluntarily more people and Board Members would still be at Gospel for Asia.

Not Silent

I've been thinking quite a bit on last weekend and how my blog went crazy. I got so much positive feedback from people saying, "You are saying what I am thinking","Your experience is the same as mine".

As I'm sorting through my emotions our family therapist was so polite, instead of saying your emotional from the immense amount of transitions you and your family have experienced  in the last 4 months ...  she said "Your emotions are dis-regulated."  You gotta love her!

I have not come to the conclusion that the easy path would be to put it all behind us. Least said soonest mended!  First Peter 4:8 comes to mind. At GFA I recall David Carroll serving this verse up (I'm paraphrasing) that if we are noble enough to love another, we protect our brothers and sister by covering their sin and not exposing it.  This is so reasonable, so easy to swallow.  Who would want their sin to be exposed? Not me! Do you?  Inherently we are human and want to keep the ugliness of our lives from being exposed.  It sounds so good doesn't it, I don't expose my family to pain by covering the sins with love.  This covering is a action of love ergo if I love my family I keep sin a secret.

But we have a family rule of No secrets. (This protects our kids from predators).
How do I reconcile this?

I believe this is one place that spiritual pain/confusion is originating from.  Here is a sampling of the thoughts running around my brain:

I love my GFA family "covering sin" loves them.
We are all sinners I need to forgive.
I don't want to hurt my GFA family.
If I stay quiet they won't hurt me.
If I speak out I have to show the world my errors and eat humble pie.
It's so easy to be silent.
It is what leadership desires.
Christ is my leader not man, I need to follow only him.

I wonder how many other ex-staffers are feeling this way?

I felt like a hamster in the running wheel, my thoughts whirl around me, running running but getting nowhere.  Much energy was spent on this thought train. Until the wedding dis-invite I thought if I stayed quiet they wouldn't hurt me or my family. I was wrong. That kicked me out of the infinite loop and into new thought patterns.

We left when we felt our integrity was at stake.  Core value number 2: Being a people of integrity and excellence.   I see the pain in my Knights eyes, how he feels like he has wasted 12 years of our life. How he feels like he has lied to people.  It had become a burden to him.  He believed in what we were doing so strongly. How could our leaders who hold these core values do this to him?

I know not all of these core values are going to be upheld at all times, we are human after all.  Deep in my soul I felt grieved each time my community did not show trust to us. For example this post  The Joy Thief  which I was "encouraged" but not required to take down because it "hurt people" and not "good for the ministry at this time." I find it so ironic that what got us thinking about trust and how important it is to any business for profit or not, was books from the ministries library.  (This library is full of required or recommended reading and only contains books the president has read himself.)

We used to check out a book before a long trip and I would read it to my husband. This is following the example of my parents. My mother always read to my father while he drove and discussed the material. My father and her had lively discussions every road trip we took.  Little did we  know we were bucking the norm at GFA. Leadership wives are encouraged to NOT be at all interested in the inner workings of the stuff at the top.  I recall KP coming to me after a Tuesday night prayer meeting  to encourage me about the report my husband had turned in.  He told me it was wonderful and I should be proud of him. I laughed and mentioned how I managed to cut it down by 6 pages, so he didn't have to wade though so much verbiage. His head came up and he stared at me. So I continued and said "You don't think anything hits your desk without me proof reading it do you? He is so wordy." His response was Ohhhh...

Later on when my husband was peremptorily assigned to the Ministry Leadership Team one of the things KP told leaders as Standard Operating Procedure to do was to not tell their wives anything regarding stuff at the top.  Is this the CIA???   I recall from the pulpit KP declared he never told Gisela anything, none of the burdens of his leadership were shared with her.  It was off putting to me, and made me understand KP's response to my "proof reading/editing of my Knights reports. Ohhh we bad... We didn't roll that way, our marriage is based on love, trust, and respect.  It is not respectful to say to your wife "Don't worry your pretty little head" while patting it, this is 2015!  This attitude of keeping people in ignorance further drives wedges in between groups, husbands and wives, men and women, ministry and church. I could see deep down a pattern of distrust that was repeating.

I could not shake the distrust displayed from the top and the core values we were all trying to follow.
Source: gfa.org

1. Knowing the Lord Jesus more fully and intimately
2. Being a people of integrity and excellence
3. Living in submission to God’s Word
4. Being a people of faith
5. Being a people committed to prayer and worship
6. Having a servant lifestyle
7. Being a people of grace and love
8. Serving sacrificially
9. Being a people sold out to win the lost at any cost
10. Being a people who work together with the Body of Christ

If you cannot trust people reaching for such lofty goals can you really trust anyone?

Let the shunning commence! (tongue in cheek)

So in typical GFA male dominated mentality, I get an email Thursday night sent to my inbox but addressed to my husband. In a sorrowful tone we are asked (by the groom not leadership directly) to not attend Saturdays wedding because we would be a distraction.  And by the way your wife and kids shouldn't come either... Yet this email was sent to the unnamed Wife's email account. Anyone else see the irony in this? An email sent to the wife account but not even addressing her by name shows so much about the mentality women lived with within GFA.


There is that buzz word "distraction" read "not sanctioned" by GFA. What precipitated this piece of discourtesy? Well this article from Christianity Today where my husband is gentle in his "critique" of the ministry, and what precipitated our leaving.  In my blog here I mention it feels like a divorce.   This is what happens in divorce. Here we aren't allowed to show love to the happy couple because of human immaturity.  I guess "Can't we all be adults about this?" doesn't apply here because my husband decided to stand up and be counted.

I am reminded of the quote "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Edmund Burke (I'm not saying GFA is evil, but there is something wrong and it needs to be addressed).

I'm trying to wrap my mind around how much we didn't know, how much my pride was wrapped up in the fruit on the field, of the 100% goes to the field designations.

Throckmorton asked the question in May/ June? (when I was studiously behaving and obeying leadership and not reading him).  How were people within the ministry taking the news of smurfing and the 19.8 million gift.  Well I blogged at the time but didn't make it available to the public.  Here is that post The time of silence is over.  These are my feelings and emotions, of how I was reacting. This is my journey, it was so hard because I Love leadership, I truly care for them. But can no longer live with my choice to follow. My eyes were opened and they could not be shut again.  Our family's therapist took time with me Friday to discuss this bittersweet emotion of being disinvited.  I have to live day in and day out with my choices. If I can't love myself because of shame in my choices I have no one but me to blame. I cannot control the choices of others.

I spent a lot of time alone during the last few weeks at the ministry masking my feelings mainly because I saw those that didn't hide get "publicly shamed." I was so grateful to The Lord for my knight to be essentially courted and handed a job on a platter. Many times The Lord has to be amazingly obvious to me. My heart was so entrenched and that dug out the last root.

I can see why leadership always tosses out exstaff are bitter. As I talked to the therapist she pointed out this action was extremely painful. It will hurt. The beauty of our lives as humanity is that we can feel the hurt, sad for staff, and have compassion on everyone in this mess all at the same time. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We can endure great pain and be compassionate in the midst of it all.  This is the great love extended to us from God.

TP for the Win

Today in the bathroom I got thinking about how wonderful my Knight In Shining Armor is.  He's a really good guy, but don't think I'm looking though my rose colored glasses. I got thinking along these lines because of toilet paper.   Yes I did just write that... toilet paper.  The right kind was on the roll how awesome is that... this is totally a 1st world problem but hey...  Growing up in the 70's has left certain commercials stuck in my brain. Specifically:  DON'T squeeze the Charmin!  and the Pharmacist crying over his; oh wait even after being manhandled by SAHM's it's still soft and fluffy Charmin. Really??? what were the advertisers thinking?  Wait it must be effective because 40 years later I still have the tag line running though my head.  Then again I can't stand Charmin so altho effective at making me remember the commercial, it also keeps me from buying it. :-)

Sometimes I feel like reenacting these commercials in the local grocery store.  Get a bunch of ladies together to go stand in the paper product aisle and pass a 6 pack of toilet paper back and forth hugging it like it's our BFF.

Hey look I finally made it. 

How often is the bathroom the place where irritations start in relationships? I know one man who got a divorce after 2 weeks, why... his now x-wife could not stand the way he brushed his teeth. Oh my! The mind boggles.

So as I tided up the bathroom today I kept noting the little things that irritate us so.
Diabetic supplies overflowing the tiny garbage bin on the counter, balled up dental floss that missed the trash, the toothpaste squeezed in the middle, the tweezers not put away, a sink full of hair clippings. Hair ties scattered like colorful rings across the counter.  (please note this is mix of what irritates us both) We all have these small irritations, no matter how harmonious a relationship looks, we are human and will always find things that rub us the wrong way.

But then what do I see, the right kind of toilet paper on the roll.  It made me smile and it made me think of when we bought it. I was so tired and my feet were hurting when we finally reached the grocery store after a round of Dr. appointments.  He said "Go sit in the Starbuck's (in the front of the store) and call your friend.  I'll get the stuff on the list." Gratefully I got a Decaf Americano doctored it up with cream and sugar and had coffee with a friend.  Now isn't he wonderful, but the story gets better! He travels across the entire store back to me to ask "Is this the right toilet paper?" Holding up the Charmin... Who hoo I get to choose and I can tell him to get any other kind but that one."  What a guy, willing to traverse the grocery store trailing two children in search of the perfect paper.

Will I still squeeze my toothpaste tube the way I like to and may he continue to squeeze it the way he likes to? Yup!  Will these things irritate us still? Yup (some days more than others.) Will I still love him like crazy because he's so awesome Yup :-)  That love of Christ, that overpouring of the Spirit within us that enables me to love myself and love others, is the reason I can.

Childhood Messages

Well I've been thinking about these lies our heart tells us about ourselves. I'll list some of mine so you can see the childhood messages that lurk in my brain. We know in our hearts they are not true, but deep in our right brain we fear they are true. When faced with them, we often fall into those old neuro-pathways. It's as if we are pulling out an ugly tattered coat to wear to a celebration when we have a new beautiful sweater in the closet.

You're a mess.
You're ugly.
You're frustrating to be around.
Only sissies cry, being tough is the only way to survive.
You are not smart, you're really stupid.
Nobody wants to be your friend.
You're a freak. /misfit/strange/weird/not normal. This list goes on forever... 
You're childish not childlike.
I don't deserve good things.

But lets face it, some people will always view someone, with at least one of those childhood messages in the forefront. All people embody at least one of those traits at anyone given time, we're Human after all. Judgment comes much easier than compassion for many.

I'm often surprised when someone calls me pretty or beautiful.
Are you sure your talking to me?
I'm always shocked on the inside when people say I'm smart.
Doesn't everybody read non-fiction?
Many days I look at my Knight in Shining Armor and I'm so grateful he married me, that he loves me with all my faults. I'm so amazed this diamond in the rough wanted to marry me. 

I've come face to face with the reality "Unconditional Love is an ideal not aways a reality. A thing God accomplish's everyday, but humans not so well. We can have it as our goal, and we can try and often succeed on a daily basis, but lets face it, our "baggage" will often get in the way. We will fail and ya know that is ok. I know I do not love my kids unconditionally every moment of every day. I do the best I can with what I got in my emotional storehouse that day. I know when I seek Christ and the inflowing of the Holy Spirit I do far better than when I try to stand on my own strength and "just do it" like Nike tells us to. 

I think this is why God says his mercies are new every morning. We can chuck the no good, very bad day of yesterday... apologize, repair the wrongs and start fresh.   I'm so glad my God doesn't keep a record of wrongs.  All those vocal memories lurking in my brain I'm taking you out, scrubbing you up, and hanging you to dry in the wind. When I'm done with you I'm packing you back away in my logical side of my left brain where you can't jump out of the woodwork at me!