Adoption Tailspin

Well my husband got to the adoption story before I did, but I figured you would like to have both sides of the story, so here goes...

We had put off the adoption for about 1 year. We had made intentional choices to prepare ourselves for the work involved in caring for and healing a hurting soul. My husband informed leadership prior to our adoption start. I do believe it would be at this point that if GFA had a problem with our family adopting again this would be the moment to bring it up. Nobody said nothin... 

We started the paperwork and went to training, we held off on handing in our paperwork till we had moved into the new house. Tom was then approached by K.P. and had that discussion which you can read here. He came home and shared with me K.P.'s words.  I was devastated, all sorts of things ran through my mind. I never ever wanted to leave the ministry before this moment in time.

Was I that bad of a mother? Did he not trust us that we were following The Lords leading? If we adopted would my husbands career be adversely effected. If we adopted would I then be shunned while working in the ministry because I know the blame always lies at the feet of the women. Would we be asked to leave our beloved ministry because we did not obey? I felt like I gave my word to Gladney that we would adopt, is he asking me to go back on my word?  If I had gotten pregnant would this be acceptable behavior?

I struggled the most with "Do we need to be obedient to his request? If he is the bishop of our Religious Order am I required to obey his every whim suggestion?" At this time K.P. was still very upset at the Diaspora letter and was preaching obedience, when you could hear him in the fellowship hall.  I distinctly recall him telling us all to re-read his book Touching Godliness Through Submission.

I tried but I just couldn't get past Chapter 6, somewhere before Chapter 6 the author states that not hearing from the Lord means we are in disobedience to Him.  Tom and I took this request very seriously. Tom knowing that leadership would come after me if we talked about it; ordered my silence. Often I would sit in prayer meeting not really praying, not getting up and moving around but rather sitting in one place trying to pray, but my mind whirling.  If K.P. thought an adoption would be distracting Not Adopting was far more distracting and pulled my heart way from the ministry.

But we hid, hid our pain, hid our feelings, one thing I know is if you're in the hands of a manipulator don't hand them the knife to cut you more. For months we prayed and fasted. The hardest part was telling people the adoption was on hold, it felt like a lie of omission. I found later lies of omission became easier and easier to not tell. This bothered me greatly. The Lord was silent.  I cannot tell you the pain, the sorrow, that fell upon our family. How do I answer the children when they ask when are we getting a little brother? It was awful.

This request as I have mentioned came upon the heels of the Diaspora Letter where they expressed that GFA prioritizes the work over family. This is one of the reasons K.P. gave as to why he advised us against adopting.  What about your Work? This horrified me, if he was as he declared taking the letter seriously and repented of this type of behavior, why is he doing it again with our family?  Unless of course he never thought he was in the wrong?

In hindsight I see the Lords hand in remaining silent, I needed to see my sin of placing K.P. on Gods throne, I needed to see that the call to obedience to a man was idol worship. I needed to realize I cared more about K.P.'s opinion than Gods' and that was wrong.   I desperately wanted a second opinion, did we have to obey his request? My dear hubby actually went so far as to call in to a local Catholic radio show.  After explaining our situation being in a Religious Order, being under authority, should we obey? The answer was rather interesting, we had to go back to GFA rules, was there anything in them that required absolute obedience (as in the Benedictine Order).  If so, yes this leaders request needed to be obeyed because of our vows. Thankfully GFA's written rules do not require absolute obedience.  We won't mention the unspoken rules nor had my husband been ordained under Believers Church.   That was a breath of fresh air. My brain got off the treadmill of thoughts that were getting me nowhere.

I actually broke my silence and shared my heart with a few friends.  The day Gale Erwin came to investigate I really really wanted to share this issue with him. Yet I never saw him alone, I didn't dare seek him out, I didn't dare email him my heart either. I knew if I did, leadership would see it and sadly I no longer blindly trusted leadership. Words on a page are no match for face to face conversation. So much heart ache, so much pain, I felt I had to keep it hidden, a secret. With one friend I shared this agony and her response was for me to trust K.P. He knew what was best for me, and he was right I had no idea how hard it was raising 4 kids.  I should just obey and not have any worries.   She might as well have patted me on the head saying don't worry your pretty little head.

It seems so strange that in a community of believers, where one should be able to share the burden of sorrow and pain, the secrecy needed to protect oneself was so necessary. How can he preach transparency to us when we feared our pain would be a tool used against us? I wonder how many more stories out there are like ours?  Silent because of fear? Silent because we have bought the teaching we are the problem?  Silent because a burden shared is only brought back on your own shoulders to bear?

One would think that in a place where we have Bridge of Hope, Boys and Girls homes, where GFA in India helps children abandoned on trains find their families again and then supports those families so the children won't be sent away again... How can such a thing as "don't adopt" fit at GFA? The bible states, true religion is to care for widows and orphans.  Why would we only be allowed to care for them at a distance? Can we not do both? Is there only one call and no others can sing in harmony?  So many questions, that I no longer need an answer too.

I Am Free.

 

I Am Humbled by Your Love.

Yesterday when I posted about our dis-invitation I knew I was taking a big step.  In no way did I want to hurt anyone involved.  Random thoughts running around my head on Friday needed to be spoken out loud.  I had intended to publish my blogs quietly and not link to them but let them stand as a silent witness to my hurt and pain. This is my online journal yet when I published my post yesterday I did knowing I would see people drop off my Facebook friends list. In fact I was so curious to know how many would drop me I took note of my current friend total. I'm giggling today because I keep getting more and more friend requests but the tally is +2,  some are dropping off but others who feel I have given them voice are joining in.

The Love that has been poured out on my Facebook board has blown me away. The testimony my friend C posted about our relationship brought me to humbled tears that I was able to make such a difference in her life.

I kept feeling that I had no voice, what I did feel was "fear to speak against leadership." There is a deeply felt need to stay quiet.  As I said yesterday on Facebook Karyn Purvis speaks of "Felt Safety" as a place where children from hard places can find healing. One way we can help them find that safety is to give them voice.  I know we are not children but I could not hide from this thought that I needed to give voice to myself and others who have walked this lonely road of moving on from GFA.

I told some good friends of mine a month ago that I had no axe to grind with GFA. I had left and I did not feel the need to speak out or speak up. But "maybe" "some day" post my blogs. In fact the day I back posted my blog Praying for Leadership  the phone rang almost immediately and my heart lept up and throttled my amgdalya with "Oh no David Carroll has seen it and he's calling me to take it down." It wasn't him but my reaction of "fear" hijacking my brain, gave me pause. I knew to move on, to move forward from fear was to face it. I never intended to land on patheos though I knew there was a possibility it might happen.

To Warren Throckmorton, Thank you for your kind words. My knight and I are experiencing so much freedom and joy and dancing in the moonlight, amidst the grief and pain of our summer. God is so good and gracious to us may his blessing be upon you and may you shine God's light to those in dark spaces.

Fighting On

If I believe in God, in a Being who made me, and fashioned me, and knows my wants and capacities and necessities because He gave them to me, and who is perfectly good and loving, righteous, and perfectly wise and powerful -whatever my circumstances inward or outward may be, however thick the darkness which encompasses me - I yet can trust, yes, be assured, that all will be well, that He can draw light out of darkness, and make crooked things straight ~ Thomas Erskine


These words are from a wonderful devotional my parents sent me. They really ministered to my heart today.  
Sometimes we get so wrapped up  in our lives as homeschooling moms/wife/missionary. We have so many concerns at home and ministry, we loose touch with the outside world. When we realize it and come back out of our little shell its like a whole new world out there. Being at the ministry were already in a bubble/fishbowl/glass house.  Were always encouraged toward transparency with one another yet we rarely get it. And if you give it people are so unsure of how to assimilate it.  We live in a world of unreality where we say were fine when we are hurting inside. 


People are so afraid. 


I'm So glad my GOD is so much greater than any of my problems I'm so glad He So REAL. I'm gonna repeat that HE IS SO REAL.  Even when I'm at my lowest point crying over a chair that won't get put together right or a relationship that seems doomed from the start. God is still SO REAL.  So close. 


I often wonder how other people relate to God.  I have heard the Holy Spirit described as a continuous shower we can step in to and out of by Aunti Gisela.  But for me the presence of God is like a deep well.  Not deep in the ground mind you, but so deep and full. Filled to the brim of  that living water we can go a quench our thirst at anytime. You don't even need a bucket to drink from it. 


Yet how often we get wrapped up in out little hurts our little fears, and big fears, or fears that are little that we dwell on so much they become big.  Don't you do this? I know I do.  


I was so freaking out this week about how to pay for yet another  expense for Little M.  It's a lifelong piece of medical equipment she will need for of course the rest of her life. It has a huge price tag. It's something that needs to survive for many decades to come so I can understand the expense. Ok at first I railed against God and man at the huge cost but I came around eventually.  


At the moment God has it totally under control.  Isn't that how it always is?  Doesn't He always have everything under control? Our kids, Our families, Our ministry, Our relationships.


I believe he cares about the minute details of our lives. Take for example a book I needed for Little M's therapy. Amazon has it for 80$ new or $27 used. A  begging email to the ministry homeschooling pool of resources came up blank.  So a bit a prayer and the next day took my feet to our local Home Educators Resource book store. Guess what book they just got in yesterday and priced at 12$ and before they even put it out on the shelf I was holding it in my hot little hands. 


God cares so much about every little detail of our lives and he loves us so deeply.  I shake my head in wonder at my stupidity.  Why, oh why!! Do we even waste one minute in worry?  I know I do it and after ward think Doh! Why am I so short sighted???  I must need more faith, or wisdom or discernment.  


But I'm keeping on, keeping on trying not to be afraid of being a real person and thinking I need to spend more time sitting next to the well drinking deeply of the living water.