An Open Letter to Gayle Erwin

My head is exploding, my heart is full of such bitter sweet emotions I'm feeling so much pain, so much loss, and yet Joy.  So much pain could have been avoided.

On Throckmorton today there are piles of links to documents I have so wanted to read.  Here are 2 that have brought me to tears.

Gayle Erwin’s report to GFA as assigned
Gayle Erwin’s Letter of Apology to GFA Diaspora Spokesperson J.D. Smith

So tonights blog is for Gayle Erwin 

Dear Gayle,
I saw you in the cafe the day you were here investigating GFA. I desperately wanted to speak to you about our pain and how we had been stunned at K.P.'s intrusiveness in our lives. I hung around cleaning things in the Fellowship Hall hoping you would be free from K.P's presence for a few minutes. I finally gave up. Maybe you saw 2 ladies in the parking lot one crying uncontrollably on the shoulder of the other. The one crying would be me, I felt so hopeless that day. My friend K held me but had no answers for me.

Later on you sat behind me while K.P. yelled his prayers for "staff to only follow Jesus, and not him," tears pouring off his face "repenting."  I watched as K.P. never left your side.  I would have loved to pray with you, to get you alone for one minute, but how could I?  I was unwilling to destroy my husbands standing in the ministry at that time.

I hoped you would find that somethings but not all, were true.  I hoped you would recommend an apology. I so desired my beloved ministry to be all it claimed to be, but I feared for it. I feared that the man in charge had a deep trauma that was causing this inability to let go of control, and allow others to take the reigns. I feared... that in and of itself spoke volumes to me. I feared we were in the hands of a master manipulator and that lies and half truths abounded.

I understand your hope for change. I to I hoped for true repentance, for true change, for truth to win out.

You lost my respect the day the response to The Diaspora came out.  I too, liked the reconciliation part, but the rest of it... Oh Gayle it sounded like a petulant child saying "talk to the hand." I do want you to know I never believed you wrote that letter, its voice was a mix of GFA's leadership voices. I was horrified that a lie was published for the world at large about the "services" being a bible study.  It was a confirmation to us that we could no longer be a part of GFA.  Integrity drew me to GFA and it was a lack of integrity that drove me to my knees begging God to give my husband a job elsewhere.

Gayle I read the Jesus Style in my teens, you have profoundly impacted me to see the world with eyes of love.  It hurt so deeply to see your name on a letter I could not believe you wrote. It hurt to see your name dismiss our friends pain.

I want to say how profoundly relieved and glad I am. Your apology to the Diaspora brought tears to my eyes. I want to say I thank you. I want to say "You are Man Enough for God." I cannot thank you enough for bringing to light the truth. For standing up and choosing to be counted, I understand your hope and your desire to wait and see. I too desire GFA to stop, repent and make the changes required, the apologies required. I'm not rejoicing over the PR nightmare this will become for GFA, yet I rejoice that you are standing in the light.  Thank you for being the man I thought you were.
In Christ,
Sara

Adoption Tailspin

Well my husband got to the adoption story before I did, but I figured you would like to have both sides of the story, so here goes...

We had put off the adoption for about 1 year. We had made intentional choices to prepare ourselves for the work involved in caring for and healing a hurting soul. My husband informed leadership prior to our adoption start. I do believe it would be at this point that if GFA had a problem with our family adopting again this would be the moment to bring it up. Nobody said nothin... 

We started the paperwork and went to training, we held off on handing in our paperwork till we had moved into the new house. Tom was then approached by K.P. and had that discussion which you can read here. He came home and shared with me K.P.'s words.  I was devastated, all sorts of things ran through my mind. I never ever wanted to leave the ministry before this moment in time.

Was I that bad of a mother? Did he not trust us that we were following The Lords leading? If we adopted would my husbands career be adversely effected. If we adopted would I then be shunned while working in the ministry because I know the blame always lies at the feet of the women. Would we be asked to leave our beloved ministry because we did not obey? I felt like I gave my word to Gladney that we would adopt, is he asking me to go back on my word?  If I had gotten pregnant would this be acceptable behavior?

I struggled the most with "Do we need to be obedient to his request? If he is the bishop of our Religious Order am I required to obey his every whim suggestion?" At this time K.P. was still very upset at the Diaspora letter and was preaching obedience, when you could hear him in the fellowship hall.  I distinctly recall him telling us all to re-read his book Touching Godliness Through Submission.

I tried but I just couldn't get past Chapter 6, somewhere before Chapter 6 the author states that not hearing from the Lord means we are in disobedience to Him.  Tom and I took this request very seriously. Tom knowing that leadership would come after me if we talked about it; ordered my silence. Often I would sit in prayer meeting not really praying, not getting up and moving around but rather sitting in one place trying to pray, but my mind whirling.  If K.P. thought an adoption would be distracting Not Adopting was far more distracting and pulled my heart way from the ministry.

But we hid, hid our pain, hid our feelings, one thing I know is if you're in the hands of a manipulator don't hand them the knife to cut you more. For months we prayed and fasted. The hardest part was telling people the adoption was on hold, it felt like a lie of omission. I found later lies of omission became easier and easier to not tell. This bothered me greatly. The Lord was silent.  I cannot tell you the pain, the sorrow, that fell upon our family. How do I answer the children when they ask when are we getting a little brother? It was awful.

This request as I have mentioned came upon the heels of the Diaspora Letter where they expressed that GFA prioritizes the work over family. This is one of the reasons K.P. gave as to why he advised us against adopting.  What about your Work? This horrified me, if he was as he declared taking the letter seriously and repented of this type of behavior, why is he doing it again with our family?  Unless of course he never thought he was in the wrong?

In hindsight I see the Lords hand in remaining silent, I needed to see my sin of placing K.P. on Gods throne, I needed to see that the call to obedience to a man was idol worship. I needed to realize I cared more about K.P.'s opinion than Gods' and that was wrong.   I desperately wanted a second opinion, did we have to obey his request? My dear hubby actually went so far as to call in to a local Catholic radio show.  After explaining our situation being in a Religious Order, being under authority, should we obey? The answer was rather interesting, we had to go back to GFA rules, was there anything in them that required absolute obedience (as in the Benedictine Order).  If so, yes this leaders request needed to be obeyed because of our vows. Thankfully GFA's written rules do not require absolute obedience.  We won't mention the unspoken rules nor had my husband been ordained under Believers Church.   That was a breath of fresh air. My brain got off the treadmill of thoughts that were getting me nowhere.

I actually broke my silence and shared my heart with a few friends.  The day Gale Erwin came to investigate I really really wanted to share this issue with him. Yet I never saw him alone, I didn't dare seek him out, I didn't dare email him my heart either. I knew if I did, leadership would see it and sadly I no longer blindly trusted leadership. Words on a page are no match for face to face conversation. So much heart ache, so much pain, I felt I had to keep it hidden, a secret. With one friend I shared this agony and her response was for me to trust K.P. He knew what was best for me, and he was right I had no idea how hard it was raising 4 kids.  I should just obey and not have any worries.   She might as well have patted me on the head saying don't worry your pretty little head.

It seems so strange that in a community of believers, where one should be able to share the burden of sorrow and pain, the secrecy needed to protect oneself was so necessary. How can he preach transparency to us when we feared our pain would be a tool used against us? I wonder how many more stories out there are like ours?  Silent because of fear? Silent because we have bought the teaching we are the problem?  Silent because a burden shared is only brought back on your own shoulders to bear?

One would think that in a place where we have Bridge of Hope, Boys and Girls homes, where GFA in India helps children abandoned on trains find their families again and then supports those families so the children won't be sent away again... How can such a thing as "don't adopt" fit at GFA? The bible states, true religion is to care for widows and orphans.  Why would we only be allowed to care for them at a distance? Can we not do both? Is there only one call and no others can sing in harmony?  So many questions, that I no longer need an answer too.

I Am Free.