Faith When We Have No Faith.

This is a post about Feminine Issues so if you're one of my young homeschool readers looking for a watercolor post, I advise you skip this one :-). I've decided to take Mary's advice and be very honest in this post.

This is my behind the scenes post of how my life is just as messy as anyone elses.  Ahhh, I wish I had a photo of my own but thanks to Alley I have one!

Last week we were in prepare mode for The Declare Conference, My husband would be speaking to over one hundred ladies about the plight of women in Asia. Planning and gift ideas were all done, just the last minute details were needing to come together.  Then fear struck, on Thursday. As I'm calmly doing last minute packing, I realize my period is showing up early. I envy those ladies that can plan their life and know when Aunt Flo is going to arrive. In my mind she arrives for those ladies like they are in a tampon commercial. She is your personal trainer ready to take you running.  My Aunt Flo arrives willy-nilly pitchfork in hand with which she will proceed to chase me around the house stabbing me. Eventually I hide in my bedroom taking pain medication and napping, She decides to leave when my house is so dirty, to stay any longer would be pointless.  Altho I'm grateful when shes finally leaves, I'm quite annoyed with her because she makes such piles of laundry, dishes and the floors I can't even talk about the floors.

Here she was showing her unwelcome face just in time to attend The Declare Conference with me. *Insert primal scream here*  As I'm wandering the halls of Gospel For Asia in search of a clipboard. I was having a small interior pity party wondering if and how I'm going to survive this and begging God for mercy and menopause.

I run into Gay, she always has a smile for everyone and a hug if you want one.  I wanted one! She is one of those people you can always be very real with, so when she asked how I was doing I told her my fear! You see during our support trip in June I spent 4 hours behind our table one Sunday smiling and surreptitiously gobbling 4 advil at a time and hoping I wouldn't fall down because of the pain. I didn't dare take my real pain meds cause standing there asking people for money with a vacant smile on your face is never a good idea. I'm not sure the standing there with a smile on my face but pain in my eyes was all that helpful either.  My heart was sure history was about to repeat itself. Gay grabbed both my shoulders looked deep into my eyes and said "God loves you too much to do that, I have faith in Him."  My PMS emotional self said "Well I don't!"  She smiled and said "Thats ok I have enough for both of us." Then she prayed for me and sent me on my way.

Friday morning at 5:38 am Sweet Potato knocks on our door.  Oddly as so often happens my mommy radar was turned on and I was actually wide awake. I'd been sitting there in bed for 5 minutes wondering "Why am I up Lord?" So even tho I was groggy, I was not surprised she was up. After an hour of not admitting she was actually scared Mom and Dad are leaving for 2 days, she goes happily back to bed and gets to fall asleep for an hour. I'm now wired for sound at 6:30 in the morning (for those of you who don't know me, this is not my natural state), I tried to look on the bright side, at least I wasn't trying to catch a plane. Yes on the day of the Conference Aunt Flo is here and I've gotten a grand total of 3 hours of sleep. I knew I should have gone to bed earlier.  I had lots of apprehensions on how this day was going to go.

Friday and Saturday were wonderful! *happy dance*  history did not repeat itself.  I got to talk to lots of ladies about my favorite topics India and adoption. I had a blast ,and it was so much fun. I don't know how Gay did it but she stole Aunt Flo's pitchfork on Friday and didn't give it back till Monday night. (Aunt Flo is currently playing Just Dance with my kids and making a mess in my living room). Yes I took a few Advil while I was there, but God is so wonderful to show me even when I have lost faith in Him, others can and will help my disbelief.

The Waiting Assignment

So Jeff Goins was the keynote for the last night of the Declare Conference. He gave us this assignment to write about a time you waited. So I am going be a good example to my kids and do my homework right away. I liked that his talk was about living in the "middle time, the in between time."  How we need to stop waiting for X to happen and get on with living, being content right here right now. Part of me is in the praying waiting time for adoption #3 Should we? Can we? Is our family ready? We need to move to a larger home can we afford it?  I'm not antsy, I feel deep down inside when the time is right God will tell us, and we can move forward. I have plenty of peace about it. What I wrote down on my card last night, during his talk was "property... adoption?" because that is what I am waiting on the Lord for.

Jeff did this great bit during the give away... making us hold our tickets and waiting with baited breath to know who won the giveaway. After the winner was chosen, he challenged us to rip up the ticket if we felt we were waiting for X and if we were willing to choose to live in the in between spaces of our lives.

I didn't rip my ticket.
Did I hear a gasp? 

I didn't feel that way at all. I am living in the now, my life is not on hold because I'm waiting for something... I have plenty of wondrous things to be doing. Jeff gave me confirmation that I'm doing what God wants me to do *happy dance* I'm not always comfortable. I'm not always happy dancing, but I do know IF I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will be content.

So to fulfill the assignment I will write about the "No Good Awful Waiting Time" in my life.

But... First let me go get permission from my child to tell her part of the story...

*Interlude music plays*

Ok sorry about the wait she said "Yeah you can."

So here is The No Good Awful Waiting Time Story...

Long ago their was a childless couple that chose to adopt from India. They took classes, went to seminars, read up on India. They loved India. They applied, they filled out paperwork, they prayed, they filled out more paperwork, they prayed, they paid, they filled out more paperwork, and paid, and prayed, and paid, and paid... (thanks to grandpa and grandpa helping). One day they heard, your child's guardianship decree will be signed in 2 weeks... That is my birthday!" said the Mom, what a great birthday present. The weeks passed quickly, but no phone call, no email, nothing... but... silence.

The next month friends of theirs who parents lived in India went for a visit. They generously took their dad the doctor, to go see the bundle of joy waiting to come home. They took her presents from mom and dad to be... but the orphanage stored them away. The clothing was to big and stuffed animals are too hard to keep clean.  Sweet Potato went into the hospital about a week later, she was sick. Dad prayed and cried and prayed some more. Mom prayed and worried. They waited and waited, was their little girl better? How was she faring??? All they heard was silence.

Weeks later they received a report, it listed a 2 day hospital stay, their child was fine.   Weeks of wonder, worry, and prayers for no reason. Meanwhile they have been waiting on the judge, why has the judge not signed the paperwork? All eyes are on email from India, when will it come???  The agency investigates no adoptions are being signed for anyone. The agency visits India and talks to the orphanage. The only judge who does adoptions has not been into work since that last communique of the fall saying the decree will be signed. He's retiring in December. He has no reason to work, is the rumor. Mom and dad continue to wait. An email arrives, Sweet Potato is in the hospital again,  Three weeks go by before they know she is ok. Finally the latest update arrives and to their shock they discover she was in and out of the hospital more than once!  The praying, the waiting, the all eyes on the child prize is wearing them down. All they talk about is the adoption that is not happening.

A new judge appears on the scene. Everyone is excited till they find out she can take up to 30 days to review her job. She's allowed another 30 days to review cases.  The judge uses all her days.  Sweet Potato is again in and out of the hospital, reports that are coming in are not good. She is not anywhere near the target for weight, height, or development. No adoptions means the orphanage is now understaffed and overpopulated. Eighty percent of the children are just waiting for paperwork to be signed so they can go home.

Mom and Dad recruit others to pray. Mom can't take it any more, her expectation of my baby will be home in 14 months, became 18 months, which turned into we just don't know. Feeling isolated, Mom goes up for prayer and cries on pastors shoulder. Firm words of God's love, and His plan are given, but not received. The waiting is unbearable.

Tearful talks with Ms. Social Worker gives direction. "Go do something" she says "Anything! Find a new hobby, learn a new language, have times when adoption is not allowed to be mentioned in your home." They take the advice. They take a class in Hindi. Mom takes up the most obscure sport of curling, because she always wanted too. She finds out shes not good at, it but she likes to play anyway. Dad finds solace in music, and they wait, and pray, but still all they hear is silence.

So in the middle of February when they feel they have nothing to celebrate, they choose to celebrate anyway.  A weekend in the city where they honeymooned. Eating chocolate, fantastic chinese food and not talking about the child in India.  They find themselves again, they reconnect, they rejoice in each other.

Spring marches on:
Good news! The judge is looking at cases. Finally!
Bad news she is rejecting cases...
Tremendous news!!! Mom and dad are approved! one of only three cases she approved out of fifty.

but..

Don't you just hate the but...

Mom and dad are missing a piece of paper. It expired while their eyes were on India and not on boring paperwork. All the other paperwork is going to expire if they don't get this one fixed ASAP. After 3 weeks of torture and agony *Yippie* Ms. Social Worker manages a slam dunk and fixes it.

Mom and dad breath in a big sigh of relief, they can travel. They finally meet Sweet Potato on Mother's Day, eight months after the first judge said he would sign the decree.

I'd end with they lived happily ever after, but this isn't a fairy tale, and well they lived like any other adoptive family... and if you're an adoptive parent you know what I'm talking about. 

I learned:
To trust God with my child's health and to know he is a the Father to the fatherless.
     I like Hindi.
        I'm not going to make the olympic curling team.
          To take walks and stop and smell the flowers.
            To start to let go and trust God to know what he is doing.
               I rediscovered my passion for my husband and that when our nest is empty
                 we will still be best friends.

So readers live in the in between times don't be afraid, don't wait for the next step, enjoy life today.

The Comedy of Errors

I named this blog after Shakespeare's  play because we started reading The Tempest in school today. I'm headed to the Declare Conference at the end of this week. Whoo hoo! Recalling my embarrassment at the Allume Conference last year when I did not have cute business cards to pass out like everyone else, I was determined to have some this year. So for the past month or 2 I have been idling away my time on various web printable sites.  Not ever finding exactly what I wanted. I just kept wasting time looking. I have a degree that was heavily focused on graphics I know I was being picky. Not to mention 30$ for 50 cards seemed way too expensive. So here I am, its Monday, and the conference is Friday.  My Knight in Shining Armor tells me he had some Official Gospel for Asia cards printed up. Woo hoo... they are nice, but... he only had 50 printed.

Flash back to Allume where a table of 8-10 women sat down and before the meal began, they handed out blogger cards to everyone. I'm calculating 4 meals 8 cards per meal that leaves um 12 for meet and greets and to pass out as I'm working the GFA table. "Honi... Um Honi can you make more?" "No dear that is all you get."  Ok I can understand only getting 50, he went out of his way special because he knows what a procrastinator I am loves me.  My wheels are turning this is not that hard. Lets put that degree to work for me and make some of my own.

So I decided last night to push the easy button, just get "something" made as a back up. I looked in Word templates and found a not too ugly bad looking card I could live with it. Change the vignette color, switch the font to Garamond. Add my info and do a test print. I must have had stars in my eyes, can't see the forest for the trees, a little to happy I had done it myself? I showed it to my Knight in Shining Armor and he said are you sure you want to do this? Yes I nodded, Please can't you see me batt my eyes.  He says ok. He said some nice things but did not proof it.  Uh Oh... 

Monday morning rolls around I decide to do school today because its 103 degrees outside and I want to work on my project. I copy off the worksheets we need for Discovering Music and notice the black ink is grey. No problem I think to myself, when I go too buy cardstock I'll buy more ink. I get the girls all hooked up and ready for independent work text my Hubby his lunch is on the stove (turned off).  He says he will be there in 2 minutes. Happily off I go to the craft store and office supply store.  I dawdle enjoying a brief moment or 15 of childlessness in the craft store.  Pick some papers to use for my business cards, get to the checkout counter and discover I left my wallet in my gym bag. The very kind check out lady holds my stuff.

Text hubby "eeep check gym bag, missing wallet!!!" He finds it and we have a (non driving) texting contest of how often can we incorporate Doh! into words. (He wins).  I drive home retrieve wallet, he reminds me to only buy the inks we are missing, not the boxed set. We don't need anymore yellow! I drive back to the plaza with all the stores, buy my paper and run over to the office supply store. I'm in a bit of a "How stupid can I be today?" fog. I let the guy in the ink aisle talk me into buying the boxed set. (dumb de dum dum dum!!!!). Drive home. Whew I can start in on my project... no I can't... Sweet Potato is in great need of my attentions to her mixed up mish mash of a narration. 45 minutes later I'm all set to print out my first test copy. Once I put that ink in... Oh I should have listened to Hubby, I need the big black ink cartridge! The small black one is full.  The boxed set only comes with the special black ink only used for photos. DOH!  Guess who is driving back to the store??? Come on Guess... yup me...

So this time I'm thinking it will all come together, once I return the wrong box of ink and follow the directives dear ol' hubby gave me. I drive to the store and come home with the correct ink.  I install it and do a test run.  My initial idea of using 80# watercolor paper causes me to spend a few minutes with the backside of the printer unjamming it. Ok lets try the other cool papers I bought. They print like a dream. Now I spend well over an hour with my creative memories paper cutter and my handy dandy exacto knife from college, cutting out the cards murmuring under my breath "A few hash marks would be nice." but how do I add hash marks to a word file??

So I take my completed stack of cards to my Knight in Shining Armor and present my not to bad looking business cards.  He looks at them and points out my cell phone number is incorrect. Well it's not like a call it!!! I had to look it up to put it on there! OH NO! at least the paper is 6 for 1$ this week. It is not like it cost me a lot in paper.  So yes you can see it coming can't you, I get in my car and drive back to said craft store to buy more paper.. Bawhahahahaha... go ahead laugh! Laugh with me cause I sure am laughing. (I've stopped being mad)

While I'm driving I'm thinking what is God trying to tell me? This day has just been one thing after another. It came to me. I was settling for second best, a easy button "push" which caused me more trouble than it was worth. I realized I'm really not happy with the look of the cards. So I decide lets try this again from scratch. Hubby is perplexed, your starting over? Yes dear I know what I want in my head, I think I'll crack open Indesign (which I know how to use) and create yes actually create my own cards. 25 minutes later he picks the one he likes the best out of the options I've made. He proofs it and declares it all good. I step and repeat it with hash marks and make 50 very cool personalized cards that take next to no time to cut on my tiny paper cutter. I don't dare calculate the cost of gas into these cards but for the ones that worked it was 1$ plus ink to make 50 cards at home.