The Agony of it All

My mind seemed stuck the same recording playing over and over again. I couldn't seem to get away from the thing we had been "discussing" on and off for hours. The distractions of this life had not caused me to be "over it" as he had thought. It was still simmering in my mind. I knew it was not ok to simmer like this. I knew I was being irrationally angry, yet the emotions just poured out of my heart.  Overflowed into a morass of ugliness.

As my anger toward the whole situation exploded around me (Thank the Lord the kids were in bed)  it occurred to me all the craziness of my life has caused me to set aside my grief. And grief ignored can express itself as anger. There I was again wracked with sobs months after my moms death, processing the hurt in a not so healthy way.  At least I'm processing it...  ugh! Apologizing afterward... In fact I even apologized during and before. I remember saying "I'm sorry, I know I'm being irrational, I have no idea why." that was right about when the discussion turned into the ugly mess of craziness.  

I sit here now and see the habits of old, the triggers of that irrationality are still surrounding me. The stuff pushed to the back of the counters instead of picking it up, opening the cabinet door, and placing it on the shelf above. I mean really you didn't even have to walk anywhere, its about 14 inches from its home.

Funny how it's such small things that grief uses to wedge its way out of our hearts. I believe it was The book A Woman Answer to Anger that talked about how for some of us, we cannot face our sorrow it is to hard of an emotion to process. It hurts so much and touches us so deeply. On the other hand when we don't touch it, it expresses itself differently, usually in anger, irrational, this is not peaceful.  

All of these thoughts ran around my mind as I was sobbing uncontrollably again at 11pm.   My brave husband sat next to me supporting me as best as he could. I really love him, he's quite amazing, he can face the most difficult parts of me with love.  It wasn't pretty or beautiful or pleasant for him. It shows how much he truly values me that he will stick by me even when I have snot dripping out of my nose and my eyes are red from crying.