Triggers

I find it odd the things that ambush me at this time of the loss. Walking in the back yard and expecting to see mom on the swing. Thinking of a funny story that I want to tell her, but she is not here to tell. I could go all day long and be fine and then someone pours out sympathy for my loss and the tears start to flow. 

Yesterday while my dad was paying bills he came across the Easy Pass bill. It had all the comings and goings as marked by the toll booths. Two AM trips to the hospital. Returning home at 11pm at night. Weeks of traveling everyday. It was like he was reliving each of those moments. 

We ran into the Hospice chaplain at the farmers market today.  He said something that was actually comforting.  All the sadness, grief, and the loss; it is just an expression of the depth of the love they had for each other.  I really see this as true. The loss it cuts so deep, because they were so deeply in love. Their lives beautiful intertwined in a graceful dance of love and God and family. 

I'm still in utter awe that God has given me this privilege to be here just where I can be of help.  To be present, that theme that runs throughout my parenting. Presence instead of a present, time spent is so much more important than the things we give.