Wisdom we can learn from a spider

While I was reading our devotional today. A tiny spider crawled out on the page.  Now I don't mind spiders so I blew it off my page... a few seconds later I saw it slowly descending to the floor.  It landed on the floor and began to crawl away.  I moved the devotional and it was air born again...  I gave it a minute and moved  the pages once more... yet again it was pulled from its path.  Not wanting to still be attached to the spider, I broke the connection to my book and he was free.

It got me started thinking how we can leave our troubles behind yet they still seem to haunt us.  They keep us up at night.   Pull us away from the path we are marching on. Yet once a larger being who can see the big picture breaks the bonds that are hampering us we are free.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:36. 

She has stopped counting

And its is a reason for rejoicing. Working on math with my developmentally delayed DD1 is always a challenge. She has so much trouble holding info in her head it makes it hard for her to remember from moment to moment what she is doing.  Not only that but for so long I would have her count up to say 8 and she would count up to 10. She had a difficult time stopping in between the '10' numbers.   For a long time estimation was near impossible. Only through rote memorization of 4-0 means it goes down and 6-9 means it goes to the next highest number, did we manage to pass that hurdle.

Yet as we were doing math today I noticed when she had to skip count to 80 for 80/10 =?  she stopped at 80 and did not proceed to 100 like she has done for years and years and years,and it occurred to me.  She hasn't been doing that all summer.  This is good... this is really good. I think her brain is developing more and more stability. And I think her short term memory has improved. so that not only can she hold more information in her head. She can hold on to it for longer and longer.  She is able to resist the pull of going to the end of the memorization of 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. 80, 90, 100!

I'm really hoping that she is seeing numbers as holding value.  That is the other hurdle we need to get over. Numbers are fluid, and representational, but in her world black is black and white is white and grey is grey not a combo of black and white.  I'm glad I can see improvements in little things. I need to celebrate them in  my mind or I may just fall into despair.

Cough cough cough

I love the 4 day curriculum!!! I was so happy I had a break to day so I could track down much needed paper work for the Dr.

One of my kiddos is in Preparing Hearts for His Glory, and the other is in Creation to Christ (left pages only) both  by heart of Dakota. These programs are 4 day programs. So if they get their school work done and chores done Fridays are actually open for field trips, and I can actually go in and Volunteer At GFA again.  It is takeing a toll on me as it is a longer day for both of them. We still have nuro therapy 5 days a week. And now we have "The Vest"  its a very expensive piece of equipment that makes percussive rhythm to the chest so the lungs can more easily cough up mucus.

I am still in pursuit of "Why has my kid been coughing for her whole life?"  When I was digging through A~'s paperwork I noticed for the first time that she was treated for cough at age 5 days.. yes 5 days... What? Wait why do I not remember this!  But I'm glad I found so many of the reports.  In each and everyone there is a coughing or multiple coughing incidents. Hopefully the Dr can give us a better idea of WHY she always coughs.  THo I do not feel encouraged as to this being a treatable by DR.'s I do still feel it is heal-able by The Healer.

Scared by Big Numbers

We continue to work on 2 step problems here with DD1.  She is still struggling.  We had very easy problems today. Even tho I had her act it out. I could see the sullen I'm so confused look on her face.  This is a different expression from the sullen I don't want to do it look.  Working with the problem  I rephrased it made it a line drawing tried again in a more Visual Math Method.  Once I did that consciousness began to dawn in her head.
Then she was able to actually understand what she is doing. (15 minutes per problem is a bit of a problem).  So we went on to the next problem.  yet again I got the blank sullen stare...

here it is in a nut shell you sell 500 hundred balloons 235 were yellow and 176 were blue, the rest were red.  How many were Red?
DD1: "The Rest."
Ha ha ha ha shes right
Mom: Ok how many were Red?
DD1:  I Don't Know!
this could go on for hours... I went into more detail but I could see. The learning train had left the station and she was not on it...

I tried it with pictures of balloons but she didn't want to wait for me to draw 500 balloons and have her cross out the various amounts... Then I had a memory flash in my mind of how scared I used to be of huge numbers Anything over 10 was HUGE so 235 and 176 were scaring her.
So I reworded it
you sold 5 balloons at the fair 2 were blue and 2 were yellow  how many were Red?
DD1: One Mom... yes!
Mom: Now you sold 500 balloons at the fair 200 were blue and 200 were yellow. How many were Red?
DD1: 100 Mom... ok what did you do
DD1: well 2+2 is 4 and 5-4=1 same thing for hundreds
Mom: so do that same thing on the BIG SCARY numbers...
DD1: oh add the yellow and blue?
Mom: YES!
DD1: And then take the answer away from 500 to get Red balloons??
Mom: YES!
And that is how she did her word problems today 35 min later she had only done 2,  two step word problems  but hey she DID THEM!

Hallelujah

I'm rejoicing today because were nearing the end of DD1's 3rd grade Math word problems book "Hays Math"  I know shes 12 but she has just not been ready/able for anything harder. This book has been slowly upping the difficulty of the problems. When DD1 was tested a few years ago they gave me some insight into her brain. In fact I was told she had NO math processing for word problems. 

Considering at that time she could only hold 3-4 bits of information in her head. I' wasn't surprised.  Since then we have exercised her brain muscles and gotten it to hold (on a good day) 7 bits of information... Ya that's as much as you can hold before you reach for a pencil... wait let me jot down that long distance phone number of 9 bits of information.. 

Anyway I digress I love to digress... 

So today was the big step into 2 step word problems. You know the kind: Harry plays with his friends. From Mark he wins 4 marbles and to Steven he lost 8 marbles.  Harry had 16 marbles to begin with.   How many marbles does he have now.   And if you have some higher math you might write it  like this 

(16-8) +4= 12  or  Step One 16+4= 20   Step Two 20-8= 12 <---- final answer. 

Well these types of problems have been the bane of my DD1's existence. She can't handle that much information. She just stares at the page and looks like Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show.  

Today it was a TV repair man problem how much should she bill... So I asked her to act it out as I read the problem.  She had fun pretending to fix my TV. When it was all said and done. I asked so how do you know how much to bill?  Her reply  2 no 3 no that's not right it's 2 and 3 wait... Mom do I need to ADD to find out  how long I have been here?  Yes Darling Daughter!!!  and what is Step 2 Come on kid you can do it...  Mom Do I multiply  the answer to how much I charge per hour??  YES YES!!! O man YES! 

I was way more excited than she was. She proceeded to write the steps down 1 then 2 then "Mom is this the answer?" "YES!" 

Then my DD1 knowing she has my full approval asks "Can I paint my nails again?" (she did that like 3 days ago but has picked all the nail polish off already *sigh*) Oh ya sure it can be your reward for actually thinking today. 

I think I'll nick name her  Little M... For Little Manipulator... Ha ha ha ha ha... 

Winners and Losers

Some times my Rocky Mom persona comes out. Rocky can tell My kids things they would never listen to from Mom. Besides Rocky has a great philosophy of life, its worth perpetuating.

I give my kids chores it teaches valuable life skills and makes them feel apart of the family. This is critical in to their sense of belonging. Now when my kids use the dish washer they tend to be sloppy and not scrape the dishes. I don't really care because the dishwasher has a special function that grinds up all the old food particles and rinses them away.  Of course eggs on stainless steel, when cooked with out sufficient oil actually creates a chemical bond.  And I Quote "These bonds may be relatively weak van der Waals forces or covalent bonds. Protein-rich foods are particularly prone to sticking because the proteins can form complexes with metal atoms, such as iron, in the pan."  So  even tho it has been washed the pan still has egg on its face.

So I go to make my self a fried potato I love fried potatoes with veggies and ham and a wee bit of cheese all melted together. Yum! But I digress.. so I reach for the iron skillet that lives on the stove top. Oddly it has a lid on it. I take the lid off and it is dirty, Noone has scraped it out nor re-seasoned it. I look at DD2 did you use this last? Uh uh... Thought so, well you need to clean this. I get a phone call and come back she's working on the pan.  So I reach down into the cupboard and pull out a frying pan,  it too is dirty, covered in washed egg.  Who put this dish away?

Ok DD2 looks at ground "me"  now the procedure is if the dishes are put away dirty they both get to hand wash the dishes for a week and no more just loading up the dish washer.  DD2 looks crushed. So Rocky Mom to the Rescue.

Yo Yo whats up wit this? Even in my bachelor days I would not cook outta something as dirty as this is. Do youse want to cook outta this? Here give it a feel.... DD2 eeeewww... ya ya that's like pretty disgusting isn't it. Did  you look at the pan before you put it away? DD2 "no..."  ya you see so now how do you feel?  "Yucky." You feel like a winner or a loser? "A loser."
Ya when we don't take pride in our work we feel like losers. You cheated yourself,  you choose to be lazy.  Where is your pride? You know when they choose me to fight, they picked me because I would loose.  I knew I had a good chance of loosing but did I lay down and let that stop me? No I worked out, I worked hard I took pride in my work. If you give it your best shot and still lose are you a looser? or are you a winner?  Did I put everything I had into it? Yes! Of course I did, Did I win No! I didn't, but did I feel like a looser in the end? NO! I was a winner, the battle was within me not with Apollo Creed. I gave him a run for his money and almost won that fight, but the real battle took place inside.

So what are you gonna do wit this pan?  Yup your gonna wash it and wash it well, make it shiny so yous can see your face in it. Take pride in a job well done.

Oddly enough this put a smile on her face and a spring in her hand and she took that scrubber and made it BE-U-tiful... See Rocky can tell them anything.

Who knew a 6$ lotion could cost over $500.00

My Mommy radar has been pinging all week because I have a missing water bottle.  Where is said full water bottle.. slowly dripping in a corner on the laminate floor? Did it end up in the wash? Is it in her under her pillow causing the mattress to rot.  These questions and more have made me go hunting for the water bottle.  Now you must think I'm perfectly paranoid. ha ha ha ha  Before you think the following description of leaks were accidental, think again.. once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, more than three times is deliberate. 

I found the water bottle this morning... in THE DRAWER.... Ok why all caps and bold you ask?? Well some day I want to sell my house and before I can do that I have to replace the Bathroom vanity.  THE DRAWER is in that bathroom vanity.  In fact I have already bought the new vanity but hesitate to install it. The wet things leaking in THE DRAWER  has been an on going issue... She puts wet things in the drawer so they leak all over everything.  Most of the time the drawer barely moves... the bottom is no longer flat and is now shaped like a U.  But since we have had such a dry summer its actually working again.  

I had noticed her using the drawer a few weeks ago but since it was hair ties etc. I was letting it slide. But today... Just guess where I found that water bottle!!! Yup you got it...  on its side in THE DRAWER. (thankfully NOT leaking) I also found a ripped open package of wet wipes that leaked into the drawer.  

Why does this happen first thing in the morning?  Arrggghhhh is it to late to run into the closet?  I of course had to evict all the junk out of the damp drawer again... the mixture of residue in that drawer is just scary.  I would not put my tooth brush in there... cinnamon tooth gel, mint tooth paste, cucumber/ bubble gum/ pink hand lotion, various hand sanitizer, and facial wash. Yes it has been wiped out each and every time, but each and every spill  has been hidden so successfully that I can't imagine what kind of toxic radioactive stuff has been created but the mixing/layering of these different ingredients. 

In fact My DD's Aunti use to send her nice smelling lotions. When I requested the practice stop for an indefinite period of time.  I got the puzzled look of why can't I give your kid things that make her smell nice?   In fact the lotion gifts did not cease until she actually stopped by for a visit. When given a look into THE DRAWER! and its rather nasty condition (no matter how much you clean it, its still gross). She was Oh MY! That is where all these lotions I send her end up? Yup except when I get to be big bad mean Mommy. Then I confiscate them.   Thanks... no really...  thanks!  You get all DD's gratification for giving her things  I get the bill.  She is going to abuse this junk and I get to clean up the mess all the while being the big bad mean mommy, and you get to be the great and awesome Aunti.  Way to go! woo hoo!!   Himm maybe this is why I'm never really excited about her visits. I love her to pieces but she has NO Idea I get cast the the roll of big bad wolf when she comes around.

Of course the thought  that a $6 lotion you bought her costs me a couple hundred dollars seems preposterous.  Lets see a new vanity, not to mention the cost of tearing out the old and installing the new... which will lead to having to replace the wall paper behind the toilet (oh joy that will be fun!)  and or re-mud and skim the walls and paint, and the floor will need replacing cause the new vanities do not have the same foot print as the old ones.   Really... buy my kid more lotion too destroy my stuff with... Wait can you send me a check for $500.00 that should help with the clean up the money pit DD triggered.

Did you fall in?

So this morning my lazy one didn't get out of bed. I have found the most effective method of rousing her is sprinkling her with water. I asked my youngest if her sister was awake?  Yes, well tell her to get up, and when she didn't little sister flicked water on her face. UH OH...   Fast forward 10 minutes.

Now little sister is hopping outside the bathroom door begging to use the bathroom cause she has to go and since Her and I are still suffering from the effects of food poisoning she is not faking it. Why is big sister taking so long in the bathroom?  Well I need to change my clothing. (no rather  I need to hide my pull up in the garbage, because I'm suppose to take them outside right away, but I'd rather stink up the bathroom. Because that gets mom mad, And hogging the bathroom  that will get my sister back for sprinkling 6 drops of water on me.)   Like I need this at 7:30AM.

Really darling daughter you need to Change IN the bathroom? DD1: I don't want anyone looking at me, *foot is wiggling but actually doesn't stomp* Mom is thinking "Good thing we adopted you then, cause in the orphanage they have general wards, you'd be sharing with 15 other girls" Of course I'm not buying what she is selling because her sister was no longer in the bed room by the time she bothered to get up. Dd's whole body  from the hips downward is wiggling.  Her facial features are screaming outrage and her legs are doing the I want to have a temper tantrum dance.  Who knew she is 12. Ya 12 can you believe it. I know she looks 5 her inner child is trying desperately to get out.

She then says something along the line of: well it's her fault I'm mad she was bossy and told me to get up. (The fact that I had asked her to get up before some how doesn't come into the picture).  SERIOUSLY??  Ya right. I just have a feeling she woke up and decided it was a good day to die and I'm gonna take my whole family with me. This is something a my good friend Mindy use to say.  It's worse than getting up on the wrong side of bed. if I were to make an analogy, getting up on the wrong side of bed  is like a bucket of cold water , and thinking "it's a good day to die" is like napalm. I better throw cold water on her before this gets out of hand.

So to work it out I told her sister, to not throw 6 water droplets on her if she's not getting up. That is my prerogative. And She agreed to Not "watch" her sister getting dressed and would leave if her sister expressed a desire for privacy. And if I ask her to tell her sister to do something she will use the words "Mom says." To avoid the shrapnel of the war her sister has declared on Motherhood.  Of course DD1 may still choose to shoot the messenger but we will cross that bridge it it come to that.

Oddly enough we got NO concessions or compromises or promises out of the walking wounded DD1, she just has to find the word Misunderstanding in the dictionary and write it out a few times. I didn't ask for any because I think she would just break those promises.  Follow through is not her forte.  I can't help but point out to DD1 that this war she is waging has only one casualty, and its not me or her sister or her father. Talk about self inflicted wounds. 

Essentially DD1 wanted to get Mom all fired up so she could feel sorry for herself and then say "See no one loves me I'm not really wanted in this family see! see! I was right! My life with my first family would be so much better."  The problem is Mom doesn't get fired up anymore (I think I'm just so tired of it all). In fact I haven't in a very very long time.  (Now that I said that I probably will next week *sigh*). I so let go of my hopes (or should I say fantasy) of what adoption is. At this point if she will just give herself permission to be happy I'd be happy. If she would just feel safe with us so she don't feel like she has to manipulate her world.  It would be so much better for her.  If she had just communicated to me "Mom I feel my sister is being bossy." would have put paid to the whole situation. Alas having an expectation of that seems to me to be setting the bar to high.

Drawing with Children

Recently we started using Monarts Drawing With Children method. Those great ladies over at HOD board recommended this book. Then Jan at Little Giant Steps added it to A~l's program. Talk about synchronicity!   I have been so excited to see the results.  Every time I sit down with them to draw one or the other of my children complains that "This project is to hard!"  then at the end they are so excited to see the results.  "Wow Mom I did it."

 I love this book!

One how it matches my philosophy on art.  

Two how it breaks things down into very simple steps. 

Three how my children are learning to "see" the world though an artistic lens. 

Here is the last thing we did which was an old milk bottle, some zinnia's and weeds from the garden.  I let them use their imaginations when coloring the bottle and the flowers. One choose markers the other colored pencils.  The hard part was getting them to let go of "It must look exactly like the vase/flowers/leaves."  Once they let go of the Ideal of Super Realism. They had so much fun and did a great job! 

Which picture is true.

So today I did an exercise with my kiddos.  They were supposed to draw a picture of what their life would be like if they had never been adopted.

It’s interesting to see what they drew.  One child drew a picture of a grave and her Mom and her sister crying next to it.  The other drew a picture of her and her Mom dancing. But Mom had been scribbled out twice, because “I drew her too small.”

Wow I’m sure your thinking one of my kids is loopy to draw herself in a grave, while the other one is dancing with her mom.  Odd thing is the one who drew herself as dead is my very attached one, not the one with all the issues. You see she understands that most likely she was abandoned due to the fact that her medical problems were beyond the ability of her parents to pay for her medical care and considering she spent 3 weeks in a hospital which saved… her... Life… She has a realistic picture of what happened in her abandonment and adoption.     

The one dancing  with her Mom, well earlier in the day she also drew a picture of her first Mom as crying begging her daughter to come home to her cause she misses her daughter so much…  Her mothers’ culture would not tolerate an unwed mother.  Things like “honor killings” happen to single pregnant ladies.  The fact that she survived to be born shows great liberation of her first grandparents mind.  But the plight of Mom’s without fathers in her culture is a bleak one.  Living in the slums is a much more realistic plight.  Being label a ____ child.  Zero chance of an education.  How do you tell this child that you can see in her paper work she was shown to family after family in her home country and no one choose her.  

Even widows in this culture are vilified forced to wear white and blamed for the death of her husband.  So First Mom couldn’t even fake she was a widow.    My dd is aware of the plight of widows and single parents, being in the ministry brings her face to face with the reality of life in her home country.   Yet she discounts it all "No! that will not happen with Me and My first mom."  (DD is swimming in de-nile.)

I keep turning back to Sherrie Eldrige’s insights into adoption, I really feel her birth mom was really scared about this pregnancy because My dd spends so much time being scared about everything.  She hides things and her emotions.  I can just see her first Mom hiding her pregnancy and how she felt.   I see it in the eyes of my child every day.

Odd isn't it.  From the first look the picture that looks happy shows a child who still lack the understanding about her adoption.  Fantasy and denial still reign in her heart. Whereas the scary picture of a death, shows how the second child although younger has the greater understanding of her situation and how it is something to be sad about, and something to be happy about.

Success??

So I had a long talk with my dd1 about her finger picking… Yes my child picks at her fingers.  It’s a nervous habit that she knows annoys me. So she does it for comfort and because it has bugged me in the past and it may still bug me today.   How putting oneself in pain is comforting I do not understand I just know it happens.  

Today she admitted with tears in her eyes she wants to stop but she just can’t seem to stop herself. So I’m trying stickers and labels on glass jars. Any time she wants to finger pick she can come to this bin of recyclables and pick the labels off the jars.  If there are no jars I have a few glass containers with stickers stuck all over them.   Hopefully this will give the same sensation of picking without doing injury to herself.   

It’s Odd we all have these types of self-destructive behaviors but as Adults we excuse them…
Some I have heard in my life time.
I'm not an alcoholic I'm a Social Drinker…
I Eat for comfort, even tho I’m on cholesterol lowering medication.  
I’m angry so I can drive fast if I want to.
I’m not going to wear my seat belt.
I can grow Pot for myself in my basement I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

My ultimate goal is to train up my child to respect her body and her heart. To see she is worthy of being loved. I fear deep down inside she is has an inward struggle of. My first family didn’t want me. I don’t  feel wanted so no one not even myself feels like I want Me.  I must be Unloveable.  Sometimes I feel it is my job to instill a deep understanding of Gods love for her, And how much we love her no mater how much she pushes us away. 

So many times it truly is 2 steps forward and one step backward. Every time I see improvement she seems to turn around and flee the success.  As if succeeding is scarier than failure.   In some ways it is you know...  if one is a failure no one can expect you to be better than you are right now. But if you succeed then people will continue to expect good things from you.  

Everything I needed to know about Psychology, I could have learned from Little House on the Prairie.

I’ve been reading articles written by Laura Ingalls Widler in the years before she was the famous author of the Little House books.   I’m beginning to feel like Anne of the “Green Gables” in that here is a woman who thinks like I think, feels like I feel, and hopes like I hope.  In a phrase “A kindred spirit.”    Who knew I could feel so connected to someone writing in the early 1900’s.  She is forthright, not afraid to be a woman and not afraid of man’s heavy labor if called upon to do it.  She appears to be a bit of a feminist but not so far gone as to be annoying.   

I love how she sees the good in people.  Also like her,  I do not like being beholden to someone.  When she talks about how strangers came to a barn raising (Rocky Ridge Farm) she did not know how she was to pay them back. She inevitably accepted the help but in her heart she was dismayed at having to!  I so get that.  But in a similar turn of her heart she realizes this is just how it is in this community and she accepts and eventually embraces the way this community functions.

One article was devoted to understanding.  Long before I ever went to college and learned about Jung and paradigm shifts... Laura Ingalls had it all worked out.   In this article she expounds our need as humans to seek understanding. How when we do not understand what is going on. We can fall into gossip about our neighbor.  To us they look as if they are doing nothing! Or to us they look like they are being too hard on the child. When in reality, what our understanding is,  is nothing near the truth of the matter.  

She uses an example and shows outside looking in and inside looking out.  The motivation and reasons behind the actions were innocent and pure. Yet from the outside it looked harsh and unreasonable. Then she talks about how once we understood the reasoning behind the action we no longer though as we once did.  What I learned in college as the Paradigm Shift. 

I love how she reminds us to mind our own beeswax, and think the best in people, not assume the worst, and above all to not gossip. 

Overheard Adopted kids

My girls are talking about how much they hate answering adoption questions. They are funny! 

So if some one askes you where are you from?  You say the United States and if they keep asking No No where are you from?  We'll say "I'll tell you but its will cost you a dollar."  tee hee hee.  

How bout if they keep asking?? We ask if they are from Scotland?  yeah yeah that is funny. Tee hee hee

DO you EAT with Chop Sticks?   Yes, but only gummy bears...   more giggling... 

Where is your real Mom...  in the United States ... no no I mean your real Mom...In Texas ... no no your REAL MOM.... My real Mom is right over there!!    Ha ha ha ha   More giggling.... 

DO you EAT with Chop Sticks?   Yes, but only popsicles   Ha ha ha ha ha 

Is that really your sister Yes, but she drank to much chocolate milk when she was younger.   More giggling. 

What else is brown that I can eat?  Dunno... Chocolate ice cream?  Laughter..   

Do you EAT with CHOPSTICKS???   ha ha ha Yes but only Jello... Ha ha ha 

Seriously 

Have you ever had anyone ask after just meeting you Any of these questions? 

Where are you from?

When you tell them your current town.  They are annoyed that you didn't give your family heritige?  And pursue knowing where in the whole world your family orginated?  No that hasn't happened to you has it... Happens to my kids almost every time we go out in public. 

Why Don't you look like your Mom? Because She doesn't wear makeup... 

Where is your real Mom?*

Duh standing over there? no no your real Mom.. What you can't see her?  Maybe you need glasses!

Why did your Mom not want you? *

I have 2 Mommies that love me and you only have one.. tisk tisk ... maybe you need two mommies too, so you stop asking silly questions.

Your Adopted?  How awful...  (kids)  How sweet... You must be really lucky (adults) 

Why does our culture see adoption as second best? As Lucky? Like they should be grateful they have a family... Seriously these kids straddle TWO cultures and  TWO families. Its not luck or sweet or awful... One of the Adoptees at Camp Wrote a note in big Bold Letters "ADOPTION IS NOT A BAD THING!"   I wonder who he was talking to? 

*This is common among children. Please educate them! That these questions are bad manners. These questions are very painful for international  adoptees to answer. Typically THEY DO NOT KNOW!  and ask them selves this every day... 

Ok I'll  get off my soap box for the day. 

Anger it only hurts you.

A few years ago I was checking out at Target and the checkout girl was a mass of seething anger. Since no one was behind me I asked her “Are you Ok?”  She poured out her story of anger and frustration to me.  When it was all done, I looked her straight in the eye and said “Let your anger go, it is only hurting you.” She was astonished; it was obvious she had never thought about anger quite like that before.  I asked her some introspective questions. “Does your friend get all hepped up when she see you? Is her face all red because you walk in the room?  Who is the one getting upset here, her or you? You need to forgive her and let it go!”    She was dumbfounded. I could see her processing this nugget of wisdom God had pounded into my head so many times.

When I look at my own life and all the things I get angry about.  Let’s see I cloth them in these words:
                I’m feeling misunderstood, or they hurt my feelings.
                I was right, don’t they see that?
                If they had done it the way I know how, it would be done already. 

But at the heart of these things is: My Pride and My Selfishness and My Superiority.  Then God swoops down and holds a mirror up to my life. All my resentments, anger and pride crumbles into a heap of conviction.  Then I must let whatever “it” is go.  As yet again I realize I am a sinful mess that is only saved by God’s Grace.  

It’s strange how often it is the little things that get us all hepped up.  Then we hold on to it, nurture it, talk to our friends about it, replay it over and over in our minds.  When what we need to do is give it to God. I know some people call it “putting it on the alter”, But in my mind I have always seen The Father as I see my own father. Someone I can go to, sit in His lap and dump all my problems on.  I have a childlike conviction, He can fix it. Many times I don’t like the task he gives me to fix it. Just like any child who has messed up.  James 4:6 has been one of my life verses  “But he gives greater grace. Therefore it says ‘God opposes the proud but he gives grace to the humble.’”  Humility is often the only key you need to make a relationship work.

As I talked to the checkout girl I could see her processing what I had told her.  She decided then and there to forgive her friend. She said I’ll do it! All my other friends will be mystified but I’m going to be the “adult” in this situation.  As she forgave, I saw her filled with such joy and freedom that comes from letting ourselves out of the prison anger creates in us.

On the home front, I was so discouraged last month I wrote to my friend Anne who gave me such pearls of wisdom. Thank you Anne for your wisdom.  I had been struggling with A’s progress because all I could see was one tree in the forest.  Her evaluation was last week and I was feeling inadequate, and selfish.  This whole attitude of: I want my life back. When will therapy end? Is it doing any good?  Are we really making progress?

Then I saw A swim in a cross body patterned movement. This is a fancy way of saying her right leg and left arm move in unison to make a perfect swimming stroke.  I hadn’t seen that before in swim class!  Then God sent M and others to tell me how much different A is these days.  And then she had her evaluation. Altho she is still stuck in in her reading comprehension, she has made huge leaps in social skills, and math has come up to the 5^th grade level.  So we still have things we need to work on but Yes therapy is working!

Are our lives acts of worship?

I have been looking back at our life as Missionaries, I was remembering today, when my friend Karen talked to me after church. The house was sold and in boxes. She said ”Your really going.. you know what this makes you - A Missionary.” She looked at me so very differently. It was a bitter sweet moment. I knew I would miss all my friends yet there was no denying the call of God in our life. As she looked at me, there was a gleam in her eye, I had never seen before. It was like she was looking at me with new eyes. Some how I had changed by taking this step of faith.

I didn't feel any different, I know I didn't look any different. I knew and still know I am an imperfect, erring human. Yet I have never forgotten that moment. It was as if I had crossed a threshold and there was no going back.

This call we have on our lives, it is to serve Asia. The call is hard to describe it's like one clear cobalt blue note of pure joy. Some day I'll share that moment with you. It gives one direction and I'm so grateful to God for burdening my husband with the same call. I can't imagine trying to pull this cart without him by my side...

You know we have 2 adopted children who are a joy, a blessing and yes even sometimes a burden to us. For a long time I desired children, I lived with that obsessiveness one gets when one is infertile. I was a barren woman holding out empty arms for God to fill. Will you believe me?,  when I tell you, my call is even more over powering. I cannot picture our lives not poured out for Jesus, serving behind the lines, so others can serve on the front lines. I know I'm not always as focused or as prayerful or as humble as I should be. I'm still that very erring human after all.

I was reminded during Sunday service that worship is not only the waving of our hands, and singing of songs. No... its not..... is it?,  Joe taught me that lesson long ago, as we served together, caring for the rambunctious 2 year olds, that our acts of service are as much worship to the Lord as any song we sing. Can you picture a day where people walk from one worshipful act to another?  I wonder do we have to wait for heaven? Or can we have that attitude right here right now. 

Ahh a new year

Well its another year and the garden is bleak and bare. More so than usual, due to SNOW. Yes snow!, it snowed twice in 2009! I'm putting the blame on all the GFA kids who were praying for a white Christmas, (mine included). My roses that shelter near the house usually give me roses in December had poor frozen rose buds on it. It was 70° just 2 hours before it suddenly got cold brrrr.

Our family had a fun christmas as we went to friends houses and carolers came by and gave us cookies! I love the family feeling here. Skype is keeping us in touch with our families, when and if we can pull the kids away from the novelty of seeing themselves on the computer. Technology is so amazing I feel like were living in the Jetsons cartoon

L~ is progressing well with homeschool. I have promoted her to 2^nd grade. She has finished her phonics book and seems to need more math than a regular child. So she is way ahead in her math book, How can I refuse when she begs to do more math. She has started to read all those lovable Dr. Suss books all by herself! She is so happy and sweet. Today as we were going to the store she asked Mom do you feel better today? And I said yes L~ I feel great today. Oh good Mom I prayed for you today that you would feel good.. Now isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard. I love how she reads her bible and prays because she loves to.

We have a new member of the family his name is Dapper and He is L~'s dog... he is very timid with the rest of us but follows her around like she is his Mommy. The rest of the family would love it if he put his fears aside and played with us too. He is warming up to the rest of us, but slowly.

A~ has had a few evaluations at school as she is not on target for her age level, but she loves Special Ed and all her teachers. I get so many compliments on how well mannered and cooperative she is. The teachers at Vista are really working hard with her, and we really appreciate all of them. A~'s smile has been shining though lately shes been more focused and able to do her chores without constant supervision. She is self starting on her homework and seeking help when she is stuck. Keep praying it is helping! Daddy was a huge help in doing therapy over the christmas break. I got a mini vacation as he wanted to cook as well. So props to Hubby he is a really good guy!

I have been blessed by being able to do some projects for work at home. I just love the work they have been giving me. Its great to dip my toe in the graphic art world again and discover its like riding a bike once you learn you can just start up again. I had a great refresher course from Mike and then I was able to jump back in. Its been super fun when I can keep Little Miss. Busy occupied.

Saturday Morning Bear

Ah yes another Saturday another story.

I'm feeling kinda sick and spent yesterday doing nothing of value. Since I was so uncomfortable hubby decided the couch would give him a better night sleep.  Sleeping with me last night was like sleeping with maracas. Yes you have my permission to feel sorry for him.  You can feel sorry for me too but I actually got sleep last night....

So round about 2:30 AM L gets up scared... her head itches so it must be lice! NOT!  So she crawls in A's bed. (what a reason to crawl into bed with your sister, "I think I have lice lets spread it around!!!")  L sleeps without covers and A sleeps under 3 blankets. Can you guess what happened next? L strips the bed of covers because she's hot. Poor A she's asleep fumbling around for her covers pulling them back up but they are stuck...    Nothing like a sleeping fist fight (you have heard of sleep walking and sleep eating now its sleep fighting)  to wake Daddy Up.   Then Daddy makes mistake Number 1, he tried to find out what happened. he asked "Why are you scared?" a few to many times.  And mistake Number 2 allows L to cuddle till she is asleep on the couch with him.  This doesn't work with L, if she is the least bit uncomfortable she wakes up. She also blames you for waking her up, when she does wake up. Oi Poor Daddy every time he got some shut eye L is checking to see if he is awake and that she is safe.  

I have found it is best to put a time limit on the cuddly wuddly time. Taking care of yourself is the best choice. When your kid keeps you up all night, your totally useless for them the next day. Being a totally useless half asleep growly parent doesn't breed confidence in your children.

I have had this happen  the all night I'm scared, and I don't know why nights. I'm so glad L is 6 and is a reasonable child. When I set out a  reasonable argument as to why Mama needs her sleep she accepts it.  Typically I use the  If Mama bear doesn't get enough sleep she is a grrrowly bear in the morning argument. Then I give her 15 min cuddly wuddly time and tuck her back in bed, with a prayer and a song and a strong stuffed animal, like the big bear or the lion.  Then we talk about how the animal will protect her from the imaginary monsters of the night. It is the silliest of ideas but to a child it is perfectly reasonable.  The monsters aren't real and the stuffed animal isn't really real so one can protect you from the other. 

So now we have a grumpy cries at the slightest perception of unrightousness (is that a word?) child and a hubby who has had 3 cups of Komoto Dragon coffee this morning to wake up. I'm really tempted to drop a big dictionary just to make them both jump.  Where as A and I are chipper and ready to face the day! Woo hoo!  

The one thing I have the hardest time dealing with is remembering that these children are traumatized and some times their fear is inarticulatable (is that a word too?). They cannot express what makes them afraid.  They don't want to re-live those horrible moments of being abandoned, or explore those feelings. I'm sure my illness and being sick brought about the fear in the night.  The loss these children have felt is a constant worry, no matter how well behaved and secure they seem there is a deep loss that only can be filled with the secure knowledge of the love of Jesus.  The trust issues in these children run deep.  

When L and I were talking this morning. I would not assure her I would always be "OK" because anything can happen and wreck our plans for our lives. She can be sure that I will do my very best to be "OK" and be her Mom for ever after.  Lets face it this kid most likely was told Daddy will be right back, just wait here for me, and he never came back.  Saying I will always be OK, sets up a paradigm for loss again and a lack of trust to be built.  Our lives are always on the edge of a knife.  How many times a day does God protect me from a poor driver or my own stupidity.  The smell of gas last week could have been an explosion, it wasn't and it was fleeting but accidents happen every day. I try not to make a promise I'm not sure I can keep. 

but it is NOT MY fault.

So i wake up this morning to beep, beep, beep, beep, well u get the idea. Now my half awake brain is telling me that it is not my alarm clock. Where could it be coming from? himm I wonder Hubby gets up and runs out of the room also in a fog. then the beeping becomes more incessant and turns into a ear penetrating siren. Now I'm fully awake and my head is hurting... ahh the sound is reduced... and blessedly stops. What could it be... I hear angry mumblings from my hubby outside and I go investigate.

My dd1 says but Mom I just was getting the calendar down for L. It's not my fault. yeah right... you sound like Eve honi... So when the whole story comes out. A is insisting its January L said no its not, yes it is, no its not... yada yada ... A climbs up on Moms comfy Ikea chair.. not the most stable piece of furniture. And grabs the calendar also while she is up there she discovers our house alarm. Which was disabled but set with a pin. She managed to convince it she was a burglar. L was soooo funny when I was telling them what it did and how it worked. L said "But Mom A is not a burglar doesn't it know that??"

So that was my Morning I'm wondering if having the alarm is worth it. So I don't pay as much for my home owners insurance.. but is it worth 50$ a year in savings when weighed against 2 hours of sleep... 4 divided by 50 is 12.50 himmm my sleep is worth way more than that... (I'm counting hubbys sleep time as well.)

I think the most fun this morning was watching my dd1 try her darndest to avoid getting in trouble. Responses like "I was doing it for her... I can't hear you, what did you say? I'm confused, I don't know, My ears are clogged, I don't understand." all of these were responses to just one question... "Was it fun to play with the alarm?" does she really think I'm buying what she is selling! lol Man o Man I ended up having to tell her if she wouldn't answer properly she could go be alone outside (yes in a safe place)... I'm sure glad the wind picked up and storm clouds blew in once that happened... Suddenly she was willing to come in and tell me the truth and answer all the questions with real answers not delaying look at me answers. ;-) Gotta love it when the Child's heart decides cooperation is the better part of valor.

So I'm thinking a good discipline is for her to clean an d check all the smoke detectors in the house. I mean since she loves to climb on counters, dryers, chairs, pianos. Why not learn to use a step stool properly. ROFL

Parenting should always be fun.

Christmas blues

Nothing like listening to jazz at Christmas time. Chex cereal put out a cd ages ago and we still listen to it every year. My latest favorite is a joke present from last year. Red neck Christmas.. favorites like I'm "gettin nothin for Xmas" and Grandma got run over by a reindeer. They make me laugh.

L is super excited about Christmas this year. She almost believes in Santa I need to take her to sit in his lap and ask for a present. Tee hee that will cinch it.. Not that I want her to believe in Santa but she is so "enchanted" with Christmas. Its hard not to let it go whole hog.. Since it's her first, and she is so un-jaded.

I'm finding making Christmas work this year hard it is just not happening.. 3 days of lets make cookies and no cookies have been made. Part of me is dreading the mess cookies will make of the kitchen. Where will they all go? and will Hubby eat them the no no cookies... Himm

I been feeling sorry for A. A relative came for a visit and played up all her "acting out" behaviors as being "great and good", Not rather annoying and rude, which they can be. So she was like "I been right all along I am perfect!" When she had friends over to do some community service project stuff. She pulled out all the stops. Lets all watch me dance instead of working she "acted out" like she did before but instead of praise... It only annoyed her friend. Mom knowing this would happen had to pull her into another room for a "talk." Sigh.. I'm really not into false praise. I am into real praise. Ya do it right Ya get praised. I'm also into criticism but I'm trying to drop that, I don't see it getting the results I really want. Some times I think false praise is more damaging than criticism. You create unrealistic expectations in a child and when they fail they crash. And eventually stop trusting Adults they think "they say what you want to hear not what is true."

I like to say what is true like "This will hurt but not to much, only like a pinch for a second." as opposed to the nurse who lies and says it won't hurt a bit, and then jabs you 3 times with a needle. I'm sure my children will rise up and say Mom always told us the gory details I wish she had spared us. ;-)

follow up on L's lilies

So this summer was summer was stressful, moments of horribleness mixed in with pure bliss, but No where an even keel day. I been thinking about one day in June. L was asking about how long we had been waiting for her. I had a perfect opportunity that day to talk about these things. Her lilies had started to blossom that week. So I could take her out there and show her the flowers I had planted just for her. They were gorgeous, and huge. And so worth putting stuff back from the cart to get them. You should have seen her face. Her Eyes got big and wide and a grin from ear to ear once she understood what I was saying. I have to admit She really managed communication well. I could use the online dictionary to get certain words and meanings across but she didn't! yet she managed to let me know what was going on, with pantomime and using the few words she knew to her advantage. She amazes me every day in a really good way.