With Much Sadness

From:  http://child.tcu.edu/karyn/

Oh my heart is breaking Karyn Purvis lost her battle with cancer yesterday. Altho I know she is in heaven I'm sad for our loss here on earth. This woman wisdom has helped me connect with my children in ways I never thought possible. When I no longer "liked" my child (but still loved!) her guidance and advice brought us back together as a family. She was there, up on stage frail and obviously battling cancer last October. People were surprise she just spoke and then retreated without taking questions but I understood cancer is terrible. I thought her so full of passion that she would still speak even if it was unbelievably hard.  I'm grateful for this wise woman who gave me the most counterintuitive advice ever, but it sure worked. She will be greatly missed.

Go Play!

I looked oddly at my daughter, after a year of turmoil and grief she had suddenly taken to play. This my child who lined up toys and yelled at me if I made them talk. The child who slapped my wrist because I play wrongly. Is playing... Yes she is a teen but who cares she's playing!

Earlier in the week she was asking for a sand box, because the big pile of sand left over from the septic system installation is being moved into garden beds. As well as hopefully becoming a Zen Garden for my knight to relax in as he rakes the sand.  I scavenged the yard for previously used wood and with lots of help from my spouse we built a sandbox with seats, even,  Yeah! Less sandy jeans to wash!  It's a nice change from the child that wouldn't let her hands get dirty.

Now here she was in the dollar store asking me if we could buy play dough, and chalk, and bubbles... It's weird.  Easter afternoon I watched her gleefully mix all the colors of the play dough together. Really child??? Ugh you used to do this exact same thing when you were four. She reveled in just mixing it and stopped while it was still in layers of yellow, green, blue and orange. Her sister started to berate her and tell her she will only end up with all gray if she continues. Sweet Potato fired back "It's the way I want it." I intervened and said, "It's not what I would do, but it is her play dough. She can make it gray if she wants too." Inwardly I'm cringing, if it was me I would be making tiny plates of food and people to eat the food. Lets face facts she's not me, she is herself.   Annnnnnd if she wants to mush it all up together, go for it kid.

She spent part of the afternoon writing with chalk on the driveway. Playing with the 7 year old neighbor girl. I know it looks odd, weird, strange even. Some people might say she is in regression. Yet I know Kayrn Purvis would be rejoicing. You see when a child of trauma does this, it is a sign the brain is rewiring itself in healthy ways. Developing the way it should have if she hadn't been abandoned by her birth family, If she hadn't traveled half a world away to find a family of her own.  It is most excellent she is progressing through these modalities of play she never really participated in before. Seeking sensory experiances like play dough and sand is wonderful. It shows she is healing. When I shared these things with our play therapist she rejoiced and said it was time for us to change her therapy plan as my darling daughter had turned a corner. What a beautiful opportunity God gives us to rewire our brain for more healthy thinking, to drive up dopamine and drive down depression. We are so fearfully and wonderfully made, and look at this amazing creation that is our brain that can rewire it's self for happy and healthy.

So much of parenting a child from hard places looks funny to others.  I love the phrase from a support group I was in "The llama in the back yard look." You know that look you get when you are all hanging around the play ground with other moms and you announce "I have a llama in my back yard." yeah that look on your face right now. Often as parents of children from hard places we look like we have a llama in the back yard. Our parenting techniques involve connecting the child to us not sending them to their room. It exhausts us with the high level of nurture and structure we have to include in our day to day life. Creating an environment where our children can have "felt safety" is a daily requirement and challenge. One our life this past year was made nearly impossible for months on end. 

Many parents would be freaking out if their child suddenly took to playing with non age appropriate toys.   Instead I'm over here cheering her on. And I don't care that you are looking at us funny. Go ahead were the family with the llama remember?  In fact I may just go and get a coloring book and sit down next to her and color now. Because I'm sure not playing with that gray clay... she soon will be mixing up. 

Will it Grow.

So we have moved onto an acre of land. We were forced to lose some viable gardening space to the new septic system. But we still have plenty of room to plant a lots of veggies.  So after reading up on Miniature farming and looking at different options it looks like a modified square foot method is what we will be pursuing. Apparently I need 700 Sq feet of garden to supply my family with food year round. That is a lot to cultivate. Thank goodness the books I have been reading are saying to ramp up over time. So 300 sq feet this year and 300 next year, meanwhile in the fall I should be planting asparagus and fruit trees.

As for now I have all the boxes built and I have started planting out the seeds I have been growing by the windowsill.

Planted Beans today 

Pepper Plants are popping up 

Radishes and kale and lettuce 

Radishes, and tomatos

Onions, beans, and tomatos

Oregano, rosemary, thyme, and pansies

Rhubarb, lavender, and sage, dill, chives, broccoli (some are small) 

See here is the dill. 

bolted lettuce, radishes, onions, and tomatos

Swiss chard, onion, garlic, carrots, beets, spinach and kale

Beans and cucumbers 

Peas, lettuce, onions, beets, carrots 

Weeds! 

Here are my chickens I love them 

Only this one has a name. We call her Dora as she is always getting out of 

the chicken yard and exploring her world.  

Well we will see how well my garden will grow and how much loss we will experience this year.  

Try & See

37 years ago there was a child sitting in a dining room sighing. She had played with the toys, she had eaten bacon and refried beans in a tortilla for breakfast, She had made works of art with the paints but now she was bored.  That child was me. My grandma looked askance and said "Child you need something to do, come here." I wandered into the living room, with it's china Matador, and Spanish bulls always ready to fight and gave that look.  You know the one your bored kids give you with the tilted head.  

Sit down, take this crochet hook and watch me, my Grandma demonstrated how to make a basic chain stitch. I tried, I failed. She made me unravel it, gently discussing how knowing how to crochet is a useful skill for man or woman.  She nattered on about how she doesn't know the stitches names but she was sure some book could tell me if I was willing to go look it up in the library. As she repeatedly made me pull out my stitches and try again. She just talked to me about how you can make up your own patterns if your just willing to think about it.  

As she let me do a one chain, then a single stitch (very bumpy) made me unravel my work. With a mix of gentleness and sarcasm, she challenged me to try try again.  When she was satisfied she taught me how to do a double stitch, and then a triple.  She covered where to place the stitch, in a loop or in the hole created by the stitch. "See how that changes your pattern?" she asked. She taught me how to keep all my lines on one side. How to skip, how to add a line with out increasing, or decreasing... Next up was adding stitches into a single loop to increase on purpose or make a pretty pattern.  Then how to do it in a circle and how you add rows to things that are round. "How many extra stitches do I add per row when it is round Grandma?" I recall her answer "Oh darling you go figure that out for yourself, it changes as you grow, never be afraid to unravel your work."   

One boring afternoon, turned into a life long skill and a fond memory.  I'm not that good. I still have to translate the secret code of stitches with a cheat sheet guide. Yet rarely do I use patterns. It's way more fun to wing it and see what happens. That sense of "Let us try and see" is still with me. I once set out to make a cap and made a beret instead that was fun. Considering I had tried to follow the beret pattern and gave up on it the month before. Maybe the pattern just needed time to sink in. 

On my birthday I got skeins of yarn from a friend.  I was amazed could I?? after 37 years could I??actually make an afghan? Did I wing it... yup I did. Did I unravel a bunch Yup. I finished it. I cuddled up under it and I was warm. It's so soft and I'm a bit in awe.  It is so big. It is the biggest thing I have ever made.  I of course see my errors but yet I don't think you will even notice. 

What a fine present my friend has given me, the yarn was a means to an end.  On cold winter nights I binge watched Netflix. As the afghan grew, it kept more and more of me warm, and each time I picked it up to work on it; as I placed the first stitches, the memory of my grandmas voice guiding me came to mind and brought a smile to my face. 

Sometimes my heart is heavy. Little Miss Sunshine has learned to crochet, but Sweet Potato thinks it is useless. Often citing how Ron Weasley of Harry Potter fame hated the sweaters his mom made him. Store bought is better, don't cha know.  Why spend so much time on a blanket? When you can buy a nicer one at the store and you don't have to work for it. I shake my head, how do I reach her? How do I get her to understand the value in things crafted by hand? Maybe I never will, or maybe someday she will make something she is proud of. Something she could not buy at the store, something just right for that space. Something she had just as much enjoyment in making it, as she will in using it. Oh child I hope someday you will see the pleasure is as much as in the creation / the journey as in the possessing. 

I leave you with those words of wisdom: "Oh darling you go figure that out for yourself, it changes as you grow, and never be afraid to unravel your work."   

New Life is Blooming in Me.

I looked at my plant. I was so disappointed in it.

Yet again it had made buds and the buds fell off.

Why???  I asked myself is this plant not blooming. My heart was hurting, we were praying about leaving GFA.  Each spring (and sometimes even fall) my orchid would bring me joy and and week upon week of blooms.  My heart sank, I love flowers and this one plant had uplifted my spirit for years. In this household that squeezes each penny till Lincoln screams, fresh flowers just didn't happen very often. The long gloomy spring continued as I asked myself why is this plant not blooming? I reflected on my spiritual life. "It's like me Lord."  I want to bloom but I'm missing something, I felt so stunted.

I bought orchid plant food. I repotted it. The flower stalk started to grow again.  I hoped.  Sadly I was disappointed, the stalk stunted and died right about the time we were leaving the ministry.  My friend took in my plants as my stuff went into storage. My life continued, I learned how deep grief can go. I learned how tragedy grows our spirits, gives us compassion and drives us to our knees in reliance on Him.

I marveled at God's precious grace as he guided us to a new church, to new opportunities to serve him, and new friends that completely "Get Us."  My heart is so tender now, I cry at commercials.  The years of pride in my "We're the only ones doing it right ministry" is sloughing away and God is showing so many amazing people in the previously disparaged american church.  People willing to accept an X-missionary with open arms in such love and grace.  The walls around my heart are breaking down and I feel like the Lord has so much to teach me.  The moments of happiness and contentment I am experiencing is helping me so much. Finding joy in my garden, the animals God has graced our home with, and just being at peace.

All the striving, the push and messaging to save the lost is fading from an urgency to a normalcy. Yes it's important but I no longer feel like I'm supposed to exhaust myself to reach them.  And really I asked myself is striving/suffering/exhausting the right way?

And then I watered my plants.

Did I strive for this blossom? No. I figured the stalk would shrivel and die like every other one had for the past 2 years. I didn't feed it. I didn't exhaust myself for this blossom. I didn't do anything but water it, and once I attached it to the bamboo because hey it might bloom but I doubt it.  First Corinthians chapter 3 talks about watering, planting and who ultimately is responsible for the increase. I'll give you a sneak peek.... It's not us! 

God is the one who makes things grow.   

Each of us has a part, but there is such freedom in knowing I'm not totally responsible for the increase. This chapter has a warning as well, admonishing us to be careful. You can see Paul is chastising us too not get prideful, to be aware of how we build/work for Gods Kingdom.  If we do not build rightly it will get burned up, we still get to be saved whoo hoo! even if our work is full of pride and built with non enduring materials.  

 KP Yohannan stated in so many of his messages to staff (I'm paraphrasing here) "Crowds of people will greet you in heaven saying 'Thank you for sending us missionaries'."  I wonder will there be?  This encouraged MY pride in the work, I wonder how much of my work was built  with straw and how much was built with Grace?  Only Death can revel this mystery, I'm willing to wait! but for now I hope to not labor in vanity or pride and be diligent in doing the work God has set for me. 

February Gardening

So today was a very productive day for me I wonder if I hit my 10k steps yet... I love Texas because NOW is when I can start to garden.  Yippie!

Unbelievably my Winter garden is still going. I have managed to cover it every frosty night, and the lettuce is happy... The onion sets and that tiny row of radishes were planted in January. I have been so blessed by my garden.  Being able to eat what I'm growing as well as having it produce all winter long yippie I didn't kill it.  Lettuce has always been an elusive plant for me in the Lone Star State. I always plant it too late in the spring. This time the September planting has been producing as a cut and come again all winter.  Happy Happy Happy!

 Last week 6 new babies came to roost under our roof. So far only one of these chickies has a name.  The one on the wooden board is called Queenie because she is always at the top of the brooder surveying all she can see. If I find a cricket she snaps it up and runs allover the place trying to eat it all by herself. She is of course chased by all the other chicks.  Today I was holding her and a cricket crawled up my pant leg. He had no chance once she saw it she pounced and almost got away from me.  I don't know why but she is my favorite.

Here I have started my peppers and tomatoes I bought a bunch of heirloom seed samples I can't wait to see if they grow.  Every other year I have tried, I have failed. This year I plan on having a huge garden and My friend CM is going to come play and grow with me. I figure if I actually plant more than 2 plants I might succeed with a few.  I figure if I start getting horn worms I'll run the chickens in the tomato patch, or eew gross pick them off and feed them to the chickens.

 I got a head start on beets and carrots. we will see if these seeds germinate.  I have orange and yellow carrots and those beets that are striped inside. My swiss chard is also still happy I keep cutting it back and I keep getting new growth. The garden is such a peaceful place for me. It grounds me, calms me, frees me. There is something so inherently beautiful in planting, watering, and harvesting. Eating the product of your garden, it tastes better because you knew all the steps that brought about your harvest. All the failures that went before, the tomatoes eaten overnight by rats, the leaves devastated by horn worms in previous years are forgotten in the moment of harvest. Each year is unique you never know what will grow well or what will fail... with the exception of cherry tomatoes which always grow in profusion and in the worse  year manage to produce tiny red globes of deliciousness.  I still remember convincing a child who hated tomatoes. She had never had anything but hot house tomatoes. I gave her Yellow Russian Pear tomatoes, she loved them.  Tomatoes from the garden taste so much better than anything from the store.

Years ago I house sat for a friend in the 90's. I found a pile of Iris's in the North corner of the lot. They were in a dark place and did not bloom.  My friend said they never had bloomed for her.  Can you picture the bemused look on my face? They were in the wrong place. I dug them up and moved them to the south side along the drive way. As I dug I found rhizome after rhizome.  They bloomed like mad the following year.   I split them and took them with me to my house in Rochester. I shared them with my neighbors and I had to leave them behind when I moved to Texas.

Today I found a patch of Iris's on our property stuck in a back corner. I dug them up and moved them. Now they are in a bright sunny spot where they can brighten my life as well as those passing by. Hopefully they will bloom this year.  I was having flashbacks to the 90's and being happy it is as if God is restoring the things I lost when I moved to Texas to serve him. God is good.

Letting Go

How can I hold on to this pain, this relationship gone awry.
How can we both be the same, yet be so far apart.
In the land of he said, and she said, and lies and deceit.
How do I live?

As the gulf grows between us my grief fills the gully.
I wonder will you be like the prodigal son?
Shall I wait out your disgust, your distain, your deceit?
Accused of being a Judas, by a lie... a machiavellian defeat.

Where oh where can I find a cure for this pain.
I wonder are you the thorn in my hand?
Like MacDonalds' Lilith holding on to pain?                       I should let go.
The laughter, the joy, the sorrow, the suffering we all shared.
Is not strong enough to bind us when we are scared.

Shunned
By the child,
                  the father,
                                  the mother,
                                                    the friend.
It hurts.

         It Is Meant To Hurt.      

I understand.

Like a child I run to my Fathers arms.
He pats my hand and tells me to free it.

Free it in Love.
               in Pain.
                   in Joy.
                       in Grief.

                                               Free yourself.                
Let It Go.

I am your Yahweh Rapha
All the pieces jumbled and littering the floor.
I see the the whole brokenness.
Restoration and healing are mine.

Do Homeschool's Give Detention?

So getting back into the swing of things after the winter break, did not go as well as one could hope.  We have been focusing on independence for Sweet Potato, otherwise know as "Lets all get Mom to stop being a nag."

Some things that were suggested but due to distractibility and what I call the "Ho Hum Factor" we have tried that before and it flopped in motivating her.  Let her do one subject then get a mini reward such as drawing a picture or candy...

Why this doesn't work for my kiddo...
If you stop her she looses traction. She doesn't like to draw and she doesn't like most candy.

Let her have a 15 min break every 45 minutes (like Finland!) This was a flop.  She took 15 minutes to get into her work and within 15 minutes was asking when the next break was.  Sadly this worked out as 30 min of work then 15 min of distracted non work 15 min of play, 15 min to settle down into her work, repeat. Epic Fail... sorry Finland.

An event scheduled later in the day: This was 50-50 in success but tiring for mom.  It also backfired into us having to get ready for an event and her not being done, thus making us all late. *Fume*

One thing that worked wonders is telling her she could go to Macy's and spend her gift card. Wow that motivated her in a major way she was done and done well by 1pm that day. Both her therapist and I decided 1. This was not cost effective. & 2. Not a good plan, ever!

So you ask have I found something that works?  Well I think so, it maybe too soon to declare it a winner, but I have great hopes. I sat her down and talked about her need to do her work well, be on time for school and not be late. We are talking 9 am here, In PJ's is fine, but she needs to have all her medical stuff done, she needs to have eaten, and finished self care by "School Start." I took the approach that if this were her job she would get fired.  Of course she took this opportunity to point out, in her world that wasn't a bad thing. Fired From School Wooot!!! Can I have Instagram now and the keys to the car too???  Back tracking I told her getting fired from school was unacceptable.  If she is on time and does all her check listed items she gets "jewels." (Dollar store). When she has 30 jewels she can spend up to 3$ on an app or buy a song on her iPod.

I continued with: If this was a public school you would be tardy, and unexcused tardiness gets you dentation and "No, playing with the dogs for an hour is not an acceptable excuse."  In fact there really is no excuse other than sickness, you live and work here. You can present yourself ready at the proper time if you choose to, the choice is up to you.  Oh and how ever long you are late, is how long the detention is, It is all in your hands my dear. During detention you will write lines, but not with Professor Umbrage's quill that would be cruel.

Day 1 Late
Day 2 Late
Day 3 On time barely because Mom broke the rules and rousted her out of bed *Bad Mommy*
Day 4 Late
We are not talking 5 min late some days she was 1 and a half hours late. It was amazing the dawdling she could come up with.

I thought this is not really getting the job done. Conferring with the principal brought about a brain wave... the mindset of our parents, what would have happened to me if I got detention in high school?  Oh wait I did get detention in High School... ONCE... my dad was the Vice Principal at the time, I toed the line in and out of school or there were pretty sever consequences. It was not an act I wished to repeat... EVER.  It wasn't worth the risk. Now after 1 detention (for being disrespectful to a teacher) I got grounded at home. Just once... here this child has been in detention 3 times...  So she got grounded for being in detention 3 times.  It was not fun.  While she was grounded, she had to do school work. No sitting around in your room alone. *nope* (She got one and a half school day's finished!)

Day 5 On time

The next week (Day 6) she was late AGAIN! not so badly but still late. I was PMS'ing I hit the roof. Mom doesn't want to nag I don't want to loose it, I don't want to be angry every morning, it's not peaceful.  It hit me I was having her write the wrong things. I changed what she had to write about being late. It is not respectful to be late. I will treat my teacher and school with respect. When I turned it around and asked her if when she went to public school if she would have been late 4 times? She said NO!

OH wait I sent her in once without an excuse (yup you guessed it dawdling) she got lunch detention and never ever did that again.  So why did she "hurry up" for school??? because she didn't want to let her teacher down.  Can you picture me rolling my eyes... So How bout now? How bout we try this?

New lines about respect and pointing out as parents we still will give consequences for "school" misbehavior. Grandma would never have put up with a kid that got multiple detentions. Nope not happening. Not tolerated, you want a life? You do your "job" of school or your life gets uncomfortable real fast. So you were late again, guess what school gives you detention and Mom and Dad give you extra chores that eat into your iPod time.
Oh and we have decided the iPod is not healthy so it's now limited to 4pm-8pm.
Day 7-11 On time sometimes she's early and has already started. 
*boing* *boing* *smash*
That's my eyeballs falling out and my jaw dropping in shock.

Today she counted out her jewels and bought a song her sister also wanted. Since we have family sharing, her sister also got to download it. This is so unusual and awesome! Sweet Potato choose a song she knew they both wanted. *Win Win*

Oh Health Care Dot Gov....

I write this while on hold yet again to try an fix health care issues...
Healthcare dot gov won't let me go! are they trying to keep their numbers from failing???  Talk about an inefficient system.

In September I cancelled my husbands health care, he has a policy thorough work. I called Blue Cross and Blue Shield (BCBS) to take him off so the payment could be adjusted. Customer service could not change our policy I had to go through, Health care dot gov. So I did, I also changed our address LAST SEPTEMBER...  yet our Health care system seems to be fraught with incompetence. I just got forwarded mail from our old address. Oh look it's new cards to a plan I cancelled. Oh look there is one for my husband. Great... Fabulous. I get to call them again... how many hours of my life will this be... 

What we have here is a failure to communicate. If I call the health care dot gov. I will be told it has been changed. Funny tho I changed the address to our new permanent address, yet mail still goes to the old ministry address which is forwarded to the temporary address... the only mail that has not accepted our new address is health care dot gov.  Oh no what will they do when we cancel the P.O. box???

I also called them 3 weeks ago In November when I signed up for a policy through a insurance agent who will bend over backward to help me find the right plan... Can we say none of the health care dot gov plans offer the children hospitals as part of their network? Oh and only one insurance company in the capitalistic DFW marketplace to individuals, offer Children's hospitals.  So here hoping your kid doesn't need surgery if you picked anyone else.   Anyway during that phone call I was told my address had been changed... but then why is mail still going astray!

So I thought today let's cut out the middle man... cause he's out to lunch or asleep at the wheel.. I called BCBS. I explained my problem she said oh look your husband is still on your plan. *sigh* Oh look we don't have your current address. Oh look,  we did sign you ALL up for the plan we picked for you... well at least I can change the address so the bills go to the correct place.   10 minutes later I'm sorry ma'am we have to call health care dot gov... Uh no thank you. Instead I asked if she would be so kind as to pull up the notes (yes I know all the ins and outs of the system!) and type in the following:
Client changed address with health care dot gov in September.
With current address in notes...
Client took her husband off the policy in September.
Client set the current plan to end on 12/31/15
Client is not happy you cancelled the PPO's

She told me to have a nice day... I told her I didn't hold her responsible for incompetent government programs.

How does this build trust with me as a consumer?  I have this feeling of dread that I will get a bill from BCBS for this plan, I did not pick, nor I did sign up for. I will not pay said bill but they will keep sending one to me until health care dot gov gets with the program.   How can it be this poorly managed???  Three months after I have made changes to my application the company is still covering my husband!!! It's a mess for him and prescriptions.

I'd also like to point out BCBS cancelled my plan then moved me to another one which is a HMO, and assigned me a new doctor. All well and good in that I'll be covered if my head is in the sand and I'm not paying attention.  Yet I am paying attention, I don't know this Doctor, yes she is with a group I have visited... yet they are over 50 miles away... Hello incompetent system... how can they even assign me a doctor in my area if they can't change my address. I'd also like to point out I'm not keeping my doctor... I don't get to keep my doctor, I don't even get to keep my government insurance plan.  I like this compilation of "You get keep your doctor:"

The "Polish" Cookie

My Grandma made these cookies and they were always a Christmas treat, eagerly awaited, and consumed immediately if Mom didn't hide them.  They were always called "Polish Cookies" although in my homeschooling journey I have discovered them to be a type of Haman's Hats/Ears... a Jewish cookie.  Now ages past,  I had my moms recipe and somewhere over the years I completely substituted this recipe. Mind you I think I called my Polish Grandma, and she recited it from memory.  It is nowhere near the recipe my dad shared with me as "moms."  Maybe grandma had more than one? Moms recipe certainly is more economical. (Hers contains yeast.)  You can buy Solo canned filling, but I usually only buy the poppy seed (if I can to find it here in TX).  The rest of the fillings are so easy to make and don't contain any high fructose corn syrup. I just whip them up as I need them.

Polish Cookies:

Makes approximately 100-120 small cookies Time 2-3 hours.  

Fillings 

Apricot/ Nut / Prune (bit less water for Prune) 

3/4 cup dried apricots/ nuts / prunes

2 T water

2 T honey (if you have honey that has crystalized, use it.)  

2 T sugar 

Blend until smooth 

See I told you it was easy...

Now I will tell you the apricot cookies get eaten first, then nut, and then prune/poppyseed. I make about 2/3 more apricot ones to balance the scarfing eating. Some family members when queried as to type to send, only asked for apricot this year. 

Dough

1 stick Butter (cold) 

8oz Cream Cheese (full fat) None of this low fat stuff here this is Christmas! 

1 3/4 cups All Purpose Four. 

Powdered Sugar just get out the whole bag... you won't need all of it maybe... 

Creation: Beat the butter and cream cheese together until smooth, add the flour till a soft dough is formed.

DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP---> Place dough in a bowl and cover put in fridge for at least 1 hour.

Preheat oven to 375 F  Take out only 1/4 of the dough, leave the dough in fridge unless working with it. Roll out on a thick layer of powdered sugar. As you roll it out Do Not Skimp on the powdered sugar, on top or under the dough. This dough, once it gets warm gets mushy and is hard to work with (but the cookies! Oh yum, the cookies).  Roll out to 1/8 inch thick and square up the dough. Make as many 1" squares as you can (25-30 is normal, roll it out thin). Dab 1/4 of the teaspoon of filling in the center. Use filling sparingly as it spreads and makes a mess on the pans if you use lavish amounts. 

Pinch opposite corners of the square together and place cookie on greased paper, or a Silpat. Bake for 15-20 minutes Start at 15 if the cookies are not browning cook a wee bit longer, you may need more time if you use a Silpat. 

You can re-roll the edges of the dough if you chill them and are careful but in this house considering the dough contains no yeast, & no raw eggs... little mouths stop by and vacuum up the scraps. 

Which keeps me from eating it. 

Let cool on a wire rack 

Sorry, No finished photo. The kids ate them all. 

Before serving/shipping toss them in MORE powdered sugar. 

You are free to eat! 

My Frugal Christmas Wreath

Well  I love decorating for Christmas and when I was a child someone taught my mom how to make Christmas wreaths. I used to watch, occasionally I even helped her.  I learned how to do it myself.  If you can, you want to wax the string. I can't find my wax... and we don't get horrible winters here so the yarn I have here will work.  This wreath cost me mainly nothing but time. I had all the stuff on hand and I sent my child off to the creek to bring me back an armful of evergreen. Sadly it was cedar so my hands got itchy and my nose ran, but once I was done, I recovered quickly. 

So tools you need you are pictured here: 

Scissors

Wire cutters

Nippers

String

1 wire hanger

An armful of evergreen 

(Ribbon and decorations if you like.) 

I started By cutting off the hook. You can just shape into a circle and keep the hook to hang the wreath with, but since I plan on giving this one away I took the hook off. 

Make a circle with the wire, and use the pliers to twist it together.  

Grab a bundle of evergreen and use a a loop or slip knot, tighten it down without breaking the string. 

Do at least 2 slip knots for every bundle, then wrap well to secure them to the wire frame. 

you can use a bunch of slip knots or just wrap the bundle tightly. 

Overlap the bundles so the string is not visible. 

This is the size bundle I was using, about a handful. 

Too much and it becomes hard to manage to small and you make lots of knots. 

Just keep adding until you get close to the edge. 

Be sure as you get close to finishing, not to trap the original bundle 

The last bundle is more difficult as you have to seat it under and close to the first bundle. 

Looks like I need one more for it to be look right,

 Lets squeeze one more in there. 

This is what the back looks like 

Trim off any areas that are crazy "out there". 

Or are headed in the wrong direction.

I added some left over fabric from a Halloween costume. 

And I'm done. 

Cost to me about 10 cents worth of yarn and one coat hanger 

Time: about 30 minutes. 

Dear Homeschool I'm Tired...

Well in this year of massive transition and horribleness, you know death, moving and shunning add to that moving to a house that is fantastic,  except when it rains more than 1 inch. Then the toilets don't flush... Did I mentions we had 7 inches of rain on Thanksgiving when 9 people were in the house.  It's been difficult fighting feelings of despair have I wasted the last 12 years at GFA, and the whole starting over thing.

But my children's education is tantamount to me.  It's so important to equip them for life. I have one that I can give the guide to and she charges ahead, stops asks for help when she needs it, and brings me the read aloud and the math book when it time to do the teacher lead subjects.  Homeschooling her is so easy.

Then I have the child who drives me to the back yard where I pull out my hair and do a few primal screams before calmly entering the living room declaring her grounded until all school has been caught up.

I'm seriously contemplating putting the iPod in the safe for a year, maybe forever.  She broke our internet rules and lost texting for a month. We still had issues where she was glued to her screen but she was a nicer more positive child that interacted normally with her family.  She got texting back on Monday. Knowing back to school after a holiday is hard, I said she could just do "some school" a few subjects, just do half a day, Honi.  I had a guest here and she and I spent lots of time catching up on our lives. The next day I told Sweet Potato to finish what was left of her school. Circumstances beyond my control caused me to be gone from home from 11-3 On Tuesday. I totally got hosed by this child. She told me she "finished" I trusted her... I was tired from driving for basically 4 hours and I lay down for a short nap that never manifested, the septic guy came by to tell me my back yard is too wet for them to put in the new system. *roll eyes.* You woke me up to tell me your not going to do anything yet???

Wednesday morning I discovered much to my horror, my daring daughter had partially completed only 3 subjects.  So following the therapists advice we sat together and ordered her school subjects one fun, one not so fun, and so on and so forth. She was supposed to be doing this on her own but obviously she was not doing it.  I always find these behavior modification things never work long term with this child.  I keep trying them mainly to prove to the therapist they don't work.  She didn't finish catching up... so Yesterday we sat together and I asked her to order the subjects, fun, not fun. Hey look Child It's your choice you are choosing what and when to do yourself, be the responsible captain of your ship! woo hoo...  Looking at the list last night at first glance it looked like she only had 2 subjects left on the back log... I was wrong she had reordered her list She came in today and asked if she could orally do heath instead of writing them down... Ok I though, but heath was Number 2 yesterday is she on todays work maybe??? Please... HOPE! It sprung a leak a few minutes later when I came out to check on her progress and saw she was not on today's work... really looking hard at the list I see she reordered the list and did all the "fun" subjects yesterday leaving 4 un-fun as back log subjects. Hence the primal screaming in the back yard. 

The last few days she has been stuck in her chair all day "catching up" I have to check on her constantly, if she lacks oversight work grinds to a halt and the application daydream is loaded.  Ugh!  Child you are too old for me to be dictating your life! You resent it, I resent it. It makes me so sad to see her needing this constant pressure from outside to do the right thing.  I really, really, really want her to self start, enjoy her free time, not get distracted.  Yet if we make a schedule together, she does it for 3 weeks or less and abandons it as boring. If we make a magnet check list together for her to move and be happy things are done by herself daily...  2 days into it I'm nagging her to do it and it's not followed either.  Here to is another failed behavior modification program.  At this point in school were still as far behind as we were on Tuesday morning and I will have be chained to her chair to make her catch up. It is not fair to the other people in the house for me to be so completely consumed with one member unless they are in the hospital...  child you are not in the hospital you are strong, smart, and able

I do not understand when she is set up for success, for self-direction, for trust to be built, for me to praise her socks off. She sabotages herself  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I did this as a child too, I am not without compassion. I had to figure it out, I had to decide to stop being a jerk, to decide to get my act together because I didn't like Mom telling me every single thing to do. Once I figured it out things went better Mom stopped being a pain to me mainly because I stopped being a ornery child.   She has not had that a-Ha moment. *sigh*

I'm tired. There I said it. I'm tired of the constant nagging, I'm tired of how she sabotages herself. I'm tired of "making her" get an education. I'm tired of not exercising because I have to sit with her, I'm tired of the constant supervision of a child that should be learning to drive and developing her independence.  I'm tired of having to Mom Ground her and taking all the fun stuff out of her life. I'm so very tired.

I'm not going to give up on her, I'm just admitting this part of the journey feels like Joy dragging Sadness along behind her in the movie Inside Out.  Maybe the daydreaming Elephant can find a Rocket ship wagon for me to pull her long in.  Oh look she's been in the bath room for at least 20 minutes while I wrote this blog, time to go see if she fell in. 

Decelerated Trust

So much to process. I woke up thinking about how GFA is trying so hard to hold on.  I feel for them, I want the ministry to function again but I fear it will not.  Gayle nails it that KP has a scorched earth policy. 

1. Your response was and still is a “scorched-earth” approach that is willing to burn down anyone and anything in the way of your own conclusions and status.  
   (From a letter he wrote to KP which you can read in it's entirety on Pathos)
   

When I had the opportunity to meet the founder of Hope for the Heart, she used gentle words but she said much the same thing.  I'm paraphrasing here but we talked about how in a spiritually abusive situation the abuser will bring someone under his wing. Will raise them up, give them favor, and then one day they will not fade away, or move on, but rather crash and burn in a ball of flame. Here again we see that reality, Gayle speaks of it in his letters to KP found at This link at Patheos. KP claimed when J.D. left he would always be "a part of the GFA family."  maybe he was really saying it this way "apart from the GFA Family." 

Gayle Erwin Resignation  is dated October 3rd. From GFA's CC letter  posted October 28th 
In retrospect, we realize that we have should have sought experienced outside counsel at times to help us in dealing with the complexities that come with a ministry of our size. To strengthen our ministry and further improve our processes, we are working hard toward becoming eligible to re-apply for ECFA. GFA’s eight board members are standing strong and aiding the ministry in these matters.

The above excerpt has been getting on my nerves for a awhile now. Firstly Gayle Erwin resigned on October 3rd, Who replaced him? How did they get 8 board members if one resigned over the fact his voice, his concerns were not heard! The Diaspora warned them, Gayle warned them, one of the staff that quit after the "talk to the hand" Response Letter to The Diaspora also warned them to seek outside help. It is all so disingenuous.

Last November my husband and I listened to Stephen Covey Jr's books in the car ride to my brothers house.  He got so excited about these ideas that while we were at a gas station he emailed the contact person over at Speed of Trust and asked him about materials. Within 15 minutes the company had called My Knight in Shining Armor back and was sending him all the documents to be able to share these ideas with a larger group. At no charge!  Free! They want healthy work environments for people.

Look at our naivete we actually thought we could foment change  at GFA from the bottom up. We discussed how different GFA would be if it had a trust based working environment. We were excited about the possibilities of being people who could help cut through the miasma of control. The culture that GFA had become was no longer a great place to work. Our desire was to see change, for trust, and grace to grow. Tom offered up this idea to KP.  Lets introduce the book (from the leadership library) in a seminar format to all co-ordinators and senior leaders.  KP suggested he do it at the General Assembly.  My husband then put together a shortened version of the ideas in the Speed of Trust and took it with him.   While at the General Assembly it was never mentioned. When he returned it was not implemented. It was just a carrot on a stick.

KP says "What a good idea!" to your face but then inhibits the action, it smacked of manipulation. We did not want to leave our beloved ministry. We wanted it to grow, change, develop. I have said it before it is like GFA is in it's adolescence. I now think GFA is in arrested development. No organization functions well without change, growth, moving with the times. If a ministry today relied on news papers and letters in our digital age they would fail. If you keep acting like it's a Mom and Pop shop when you have 100 franchises your business will fail.  Micro managing, not trusting people leads to more work, not less.

I sit and wonder has the massive exodus of staff this year caused leadership to trust where they would not normally trust? This could be a healthy thing that allows growth, but is this growth like a forced bulb in a hot house... if you expose it to the realities of the weather will it shrivel up and turn black?  Sadly I do not think an environment of grace and trust can abound at this time.  Unless they truly move forward get help they speak of the in the CC letter. Remove people who cannot change, adjust the thinking of those in leadership and perhaps change the core value "Reaching the lost at any cost." to the one in India that is softer which can be found here...  oh look the GFA india site is down for maintenance.  Can we say the USA is now blocked from seeing what is happening on the India website.  Way to build trust and show transparency in a digital age GFA! Or we can give them the benefit of the doubt and say its truly is down for maintenance.  But wait I have a screen shot from Believers Church.  See how the Core Value #9 is Being a people with passion for souls.  A very different message from reaching the lost at any cost.

My hearts cry is still Yahweh-Rapha.

An Open Letter to Gayle Erwin

My head is exploding, my heart is full of such bitter sweet emotions I'm feeling so much pain, so much loss, and yet Joy.  So much pain could have been avoided.

On Throckmorton today there are piles of links to documents I have so wanted to read.  Here are 2 that have brought me to tears.

Gayle Erwin’s report to GFA as assigned
Gayle Erwin’s Letter of Apology to GFA Diaspora Spokesperson J.D. Smith

So tonights blog is for Gayle Erwin 

Dear Gayle,
I saw you in the cafe the day you were here investigating GFA. I desperately wanted to speak to you about our pain and how we had been stunned at K.P.'s intrusiveness in our lives. I hung around cleaning things in the Fellowship Hall hoping you would be free from K.P's presence for a few minutes. I finally gave up. Maybe you saw 2 ladies in the parking lot one crying uncontrollably on the shoulder of the other. The one crying would be me, I felt so hopeless that day. My friend K held me but had no answers for me.

Later on you sat behind me while K.P. yelled his prayers for "staff to only follow Jesus, and not him," tears pouring off his face "repenting."  I watched as K.P. never left your side.  I would have loved to pray with you, to get you alone for one minute, but how could I?  I was unwilling to destroy my husbands standing in the ministry at that time.

I hoped you would find that somethings but not all, were true.  I hoped you would recommend an apology. I so desired my beloved ministry to be all it claimed to be, but I feared for it. I feared that the man in charge had a deep trauma that was causing this inability to let go of control, and allow others to take the reigns. I feared... that in and of itself spoke volumes to me. I feared we were in the hands of a master manipulator and that lies and half truths abounded.

I understand your hope for change. I to I hoped for true repentance, for true change, for truth to win out.

You lost my respect the day the response to The Diaspora came out.  I too, liked the reconciliation part, but the rest of it... Oh Gayle it sounded like a petulant child saying "talk to the hand." I do want you to know I never believed you wrote that letter, its voice was a mix of GFA's leadership voices. I was horrified that a lie was published for the world at large about the "services" being a bible study.  It was a confirmation to us that we could no longer be a part of GFA.  Integrity drew me to GFA and it was a lack of integrity that drove me to my knees begging God to give my husband a job elsewhere.

Gayle I read the Jesus Style in my teens, you have profoundly impacted me to see the world with eyes of love.  It hurt so deeply to see your name on a letter I could not believe you wrote. It hurt to see your name dismiss our friends pain.

I want to say how profoundly relieved and glad I am. Your apology to the Diaspora brought tears to my eyes. I want to say I thank you. I want to say "You are Man Enough for God." I cannot thank you enough for bringing to light the truth. For standing up and choosing to be counted, I understand your hope and your desire to wait and see. I too desire GFA to stop, repent and make the changes required, the apologies required. I'm not rejoicing over the PR nightmare this will become for GFA, yet I rejoice that you are standing in the light.  Thank you for being the man I thought you were.
In Christ,
Sara

Morning Tea

This morning during my hot tea, a friend texted me this link http://libertyforcaptives.com/2013/04/17/pastoral-bullies-how-to-tell-if-a-pastor-domineers/ 

It was a great wake up read.

Some things that struck me right away were the similarities I found in his description and how I felt while "under authority."  Here are some excerpts from the blog post.

He domineers by misinterpreting and misapplying to himself the OT command: “Don’t touch God’s anointed.”

I covered this one over at Take My Spear Please!

A pastor domineers whenever he uses slick verbiage or eloquence to humiliate people into feeling ignorant or less competent than they really are.

He domineers by building into people a greater loyalty to himself than to God. Or he makes it appear that not to support him is to work at cross purposes with God.

The feeling of incompetence, and KP as "Superior Super Spiritual Father" were rampant. Just recently my former neighbor posted to my Facebook account how he needs a spiritual father because he's so far below the rest of us. This is the kind of thinking that puts people on the throne and dislodges God from prime importance. It's so sad when this happens to us, (myself included).  I wonder will there be a promised crowd of people in Heaven thanking me for my service? Or will God say What? you expected props for that chaff? Sorry that was done in your own strength. Sometimes I wonder, Did my service count? Part of me declares YES! it must, I did it to serve the Lord, and part of me says it was done to serve man in idolatry.   Forgive me Lord for my weakness. 

A pastor domineers whenever he presents himself as super-spiritual (his views came about only as the result of extensive prayer and fasting and seeking God. How could anyone then possibly disagree with him?).  

I still see his face, claiming he went up on a mountain top and fasted and prayed, and asked God to forgive him over the Diaspora issues. Since he had Gods forgiveness, he needed no one else's.  The Spiritual Father has absolution from God he needs not apologize publicly. He did call people on the phone. One friend I know said she received an odd call where he apologized to her privately but told her she could "talk about it" as if encouraging her to spread the word, hey look world "He said he was sorry to me!"  

He domineers by establishing an inviolable barrier between himself and the sheep. He either surrounds himself with staff who insulate him from contact with the people or withdraws from the daily affairs of the church in such a way that he is unavailable and unreachable.

During the time before the big move, I could see he was so afraid. It is one of the reasons I started to pray secretly.  He often said how he wanted to be in India rather than in America. He was worried about what would happen when he got us all on campus.  It looks like it was a self fulfilling prophesy. When I think of all the families that have left in the past year.  I have so many bittersweet emotions, Sad my beloved ministry is so broken I wonder if it can ever be repaired, and relived so many are no longer walking in the shadow of idolatry. 

I know K.P. has an open to all email address, I sent him many emails, trying to encourage him in 2013 and 2014. When I recognized him to be afraid, I hoped he would be encouraged, but I believe now, his fear was real. The Diaspora was a threat he could not control.  He never once answered my emails or acknowledged them. Of course I was sad he didn't, but I "understood" he had so many more important people to communicate with. He claims to have an open door policy, but in reality over the years I have observed my husband needing to set up an appointment to actually see him. 

I used to observe Gisela at meetings, I was sad for her she seemed so separate. It reminded me of my mom. How she felt she had to stay apart from the crowd to protect my father as an administrator. She never wanted to be a point of weakness for my dad. I saw the same thing in Gisela.  Tho as my mothers child I was often burdened by her need for friendship from me, because her friends were so few.  I wanted my Mom to be my Mom not necessarily my friend, this led to many conflicts. As I matured and placed healthy boundaries in my life it got so much better.  My Mom and my Dad were so tight, the best of examples of how a great marriage looks. Yet when Mom got sick and I asked Dad for a list of friends we could tap as his support team for moms illness. The list only had 2 names on it.  

I had to ask myself, is this the price of leadership? or was this self imposed exile? With hindsight I can say I'm sad for my parents that they did not have a wider range of friendships. I believe that one can be friends with co-workers, tho it is more difficult with "subordinates." I believe with the right balance of boundaries in our relationships we can have healthy friendships with co-workers. 

I was reading today about Jesus and how he took the lowest position that of the slave and washed the disciples feet. I think back to all the work parties where KP if he did show up didn't stay. Mandatory work parties didn't apply to KP was it because he was too important to waste his time planting more than one tree?  The "real" work of the ministry pulls him away he has things to do and people to see. Totally explainable but in my mind, not following Christ's example.  

Church Last Sunday

One of the things I'm dealing with as a ex-staffer of GFA is how different the mindset of GFA really was. Our life group kinda joked about Sunday's sermon as one of the pastors "go to" sermons. I found it rather refreshing and I'm glad he covered it again. It was mainly about how to grow in Christ. The expectation of this body of Christ, is 4 fold. They expect you to seek God daily in prayer and bible reading. They expect you to be involved with some group (a care group, a life group, a bible study etc.) so you can be with others to spur you on in accountability and growth.  Come to church even when you don't always feel like it was number 3 and 4 was Give back to your community on a 3 fold basis your church, your community and the world. Oh and there is no joining the membership roles, but rather come and be included is all you need to do to be a member.

As of late I can't help but compare where this church is at, as opposed to the teachings at GFA. The pastor really brought about the fact that personal growth in Christ happens when you are participating in all 4 activities: one on one, In a small group, corporately, and giving back.  He didn't approach it as a formula, but rather as an organic thing that happens when you are well seated in the body of Christ.

Now I can't speak for the school of discipleship I do believe they did local evangelism, but I don't know if they participated in community service. I'd love to know if they had* see comments!  I can say after the Diaspora letter, GFA eased up on the "Don't participate in church rule." there were a few and far between events that did give back to the community.  But not many... I always felt discouraged by this.

I recall a local church wanted to start a community garden to help the locals and provide produce to people who had a hard time paying for food. I really wanted to participate in this! I got the contact information and talked at length with the lady in charge of the idea. It fell flat on it's face as the person who they thought would supply the land would not also supply the water.  The lady asked me if I thought GFA would let us use part of GFA's property.  My heart sank... would they? That would mean non GFA staffers coming and going on the campus, if GFA supplied the land and the water. Even if we used the back 40 where few people went, what about the liability insurance? I knew in my heart of hearts if I asked the answer would be no.  I pretty much shook my head and said I don't think that would ever happen, sad because a community garden is something I so desired to participate in, but my desire to have a community garden wasn't enough to make me ask the question to leadership or make waves.

I justified being chicken and not asking with these thoughts:
1. It would be a distraction from the mission field.
2. It would divert money (water/ irrigation costs) from the work overseas.
3. Liability! injuries, or accidents. (That is why we can't have a pool right?)
4. We don't want just anyone walking around on campus because it's a peaceful closed community, think of the children!
5. I didn't feel I could bring a community garden up after KP's question & answer session pre-campus of a few years ago, where he didn't understand how it worked and said people would squabble over it, he didn't want to introduce a community garden or family garden boxes on campus.

I do know from personal experience small groups of any sort were not encouraged at GFA.  I never was sure why, but we felt alone, disconnected from people in general. I think this is the root of that belief I came to have, that GFA friendships can be a one-way street.  Staff who are trained to put all above family can always justify placing work above friendships. One complaint a friend of mine gave me was she would plan a dinner well in advance, buy special food, prepare the food, and upon the flimsiest of excuses GFA staffers would cancel. "Once happens." When it becomes a repeating pattern you know there is a deeper issue. I know we eagerly awaited a friend to come to dinner, planned down the finest of details of bacon ice cream sundaes. The person kept us waiting for 2 hours.  Why so late?  KP held him in a meeting, the sad thing was we waited and waited no text or call "I'm running late." was forthcoming until we contacted him asking "Where are you?" Somewhere along the line manners got discarded when in the presence of His Eminence.  You can walk out in the middle of a conversation/ meeting/ dinner because the KP called you. He is more important than the person/spouse/children front of you.  I see this as an example of placing work over family mentality the Diaspora accused GFA of, if it was only once in a while... no big deal. We all have times where work may trump family and family trumps work that is work life balance. No this was deeper mindset that I see now as people revering KP and those in leadership, Like they are better than us, we were not equal.

Contrast this with the here and now for our family. I desperately needed my husbands input on the septic situation... we were talking about a decision that could cost us thousands of dollars for what he wanted. I wasn't sure was it worth that much money, or should we loose part of the back yard to the system and save money? Since what he wanted actually couldn't happen anyway and we needed part of the back yard already? I needed to give the planner an answer so he could move forward with the drawing. I called. No answer.  I called again no answer... his phone is on DND so I called again knowing even if it is on DND his iPhone will ring.  He was in a meeting with his boss. On the third time it rang and didn't buzz. His boss said who is it? It's my wife... well answer her, was his immediate response.  No issue with not being respectful to him because work was more import than family, but rather a balanced approach.  If she's calling that much it must be important, and more of a why didn't you answer it the second time she called? I can't picture this scenario taking place at GFA. Last week the founder of HFTH introduced herself to me. Talked to me about my husband and listened to me, with wisdom in her eyes. It was not hurried, condescending, or odd, she was normal. How refreshing.

As staff our focus was always the lost overseas, not the lost in our home town.  Personal bible study was often subtly put down as not as important as a strong prayer life. For years our family struggled with go to church and not give back, or participate in being "just a taker." Sometimes we would just stay home and have home church, a prayer time, or watch pod casts of our sending church. I'm amazed at the isolation this created in our family.  My kids had no friends outside the ministry. I made only a few friends outside the ministry.  It was not balanced in the way the pastor spoke about today. We have not been participating fully in all 4 aspects of our life in Christ.  I drew on my notes a diagram of how GFA emphasized only certain aspects of this ideal.

Instead of a square it was a thin oval, I'm sure this stems from the reaching the lost at any cost mentality, the subtle pressure to only participate in sanctioned GFA activities, the focus on prayer over study, work over family, prayer meeting rather than fellowship of the body of Christ in a church setting, worship in prayer meeting or alone, but not in a church service.*  Serving sacrificially to each other, but not meeting together in small groups, and sadly KP sermons were often more like 10 point lectures with a bible verse or 2 thrown in to satisfy those who asked why he preached without referring to the bible. I always struggled with why do we teach our missionaries line by line expository bible teaching but really do we ever get to hear that kind of preaching at GFA? Prayer meeting is not a service, so I could always justify it in my mind.  

*In closing I have to give the caveat that you could worship around the "fellowship camp fires" run by GFA. They did try. Once things started to fall apart they started scheduling "fun stuff" and fewer work parties to bring cohesiveness to the community, I fear it was to little, to late.