Anger it only hurts you.

A few years ago I was checking out at Target and the checkout girl was a mass of seething anger. Since no one was behind me I asked her “Are you Ok?”  She poured out her story of anger and frustration to me.  When it was all done, I looked her straight in the eye and said “Let your anger go, it is only hurting you.” She was astonished; it was obvious she had never thought about anger quite like that before.  I asked her some introspective questions. “Does your friend get all hepped up when she see you? Is her face all red because you walk in the room?  Who is the one getting upset here, her or you? You need to forgive her and let it go!”    She was dumbfounded. I could see her processing this nugget of wisdom God had pounded into my head so many times.

When I look at my own life and all the things I get angry about.  Let’s see I cloth them in these words:
                I’m feeling misunderstood, or they hurt my feelings.
                I was right, don’t they see that?
                If they had done it the way I know how, it would be done already. 

But at the heart of these things is: My Pride and My Selfishness and My Superiority.  Then God swoops down and holds a mirror up to my life. All my resentments, anger and pride crumbles into a heap of conviction.  Then I must let whatever “it” is go.  As yet again I realize I am a sinful mess that is only saved by God’s Grace.  

It’s strange how often it is the little things that get us all hepped up.  Then we hold on to it, nurture it, talk to our friends about it, replay it over and over in our minds.  When what we need to do is give it to God. I know some people call it “putting it on the alter”, But in my mind I have always seen The Father as I see my own father. Someone I can go to, sit in His lap and dump all my problems on.  I have a childlike conviction, He can fix it. Many times I don’t like the task he gives me to fix it. Just like any child who has messed up.  James 4:6 has been one of my life verses  “But he gives greater grace. Therefore it says ‘God opposes the proud but he gives grace to the humble.’”  Humility is often the only key you need to make a relationship work.

As I talked to the checkout girl I could see her processing what I had told her.  She decided then and there to forgive her friend. She said I’ll do it! All my other friends will be mystified but I’m going to be the “adult” in this situation.  As she forgave, I saw her filled with such joy and freedom that comes from letting ourselves out of the prison anger creates in us.

On the home front, I was so discouraged last month I wrote to my friend Anne who gave me such pearls of wisdom. Thank you Anne for your wisdom.  I had been struggling with A’s progress because all I could see was one tree in the forest.  Her evaluation was last week and I was feeling inadequate, and selfish.  This whole attitude of: I want my life back. When will therapy end? Is it doing any good?  Are we really making progress?

Then I saw A swim in a cross body patterned movement. This is a fancy way of saying her right leg and left arm move in unison to make a perfect swimming stroke.  I hadn’t seen that before in swim class!  Then God sent M and others to tell me how much different A is these days.  And then she had her evaluation. Altho she is still stuck in in her reading comprehension, she has made huge leaps in social skills, and math has come up to the 5^th grade level.  So we still have things we need to work on but Yes therapy is working!

Are our lives acts of worship?

I have been looking back at our life as Missionaries, I was remembering today, when my friend Karen talked to me after church. The house was sold and in boxes. She said ”Your really going.. you know what this makes you - A Missionary.” She looked at me so very differently. It was a bitter sweet moment. I knew I would miss all my friends yet there was no denying the call of God in our life. As she looked at me, there was a gleam in her eye, I had never seen before. It was like she was looking at me with new eyes. Some how I had changed by taking this step of faith.

I didn't feel any different, I know I didn't look any different. I knew and still know I am an imperfect, erring human. Yet I have never forgotten that moment. It was as if I had crossed a threshold and there was no going back.

This call we have on our lives, it is to serve Asia. The call is hard to describe it's like one clear cobalt blue note of pure joy. Some day I'll share that moment with you. It gives one direction and I'm so grateful to God for burdening my husband with the same call. I can't imagine trying to pull this cart without him by my side...

You know we have 2 adopted children who are a joy, a blessing and yes even sometimes a burden to us. For a long time I desired children, I lived with that obsessiveness one gets when one is infertile. I was a barren woman holding out empty arms for God to fill. Will you believe me?,  when I tell you, my call is even more over powering. I cannot picture our lives not poured out for Jesus, serving behind the lines, so others can serve on the front lines. I know I'm not always as focused or as prayerful or as humble as I should be. I'm still that very erring human after all.

I was reminded during Sunday service that worship is not only the waving of our hands, and singing of songs. No... its not..... is it?,  Joe taught me that lesson long ago, as we served together, caring for the rambunctious 2 year olds, that our acts of service are as much worship to the Lord as any song we sing. Can you picture a day where people walk from one worshipful act to another?  I wonder do we have to wait for heaven? Or can we have that attitude right here right now. 

Ahh a new year

Well its another year and the garden is bleak and bare. More so than usual, due to SNOW. Yes snow!, it snowed twice in 2009! I'm putting the blame on all the GFA kids who were praying for a white Christmas, (mine included). My roses that shelter near the house usually give me roses in December had poor frozen rose buds on it. It was 70° just 2 hours before it suddenly got cold brrrr.

Our family had a fun christmas as we went to friends houses and carolers came by and gave us cookies! I love the family feeling here. Skype is keeping us in touch with our families, when and if we can pull the kids away from the novelty of seeing themselves on the computer. Technology is so amazing I feel like were living in the Jetsons cartoon

L~ is progressing well with homeschool. I have promoted her to 2^nd grade. She has finished her phonics book and seems to need more math than a regular child. So she is way ahead in her math book, How can I refuse when she begs to do more math. She has started to read all those lovable Dr. Suss books all by herself! She is so happy and sweet. Today as we were going to the store she asked Mom do you feel better today? And I said yes L~ I feel great today. Oh good Mom I prayed for you today that you would feel good.. Now isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard. I love how she reads her bible and prays because she loves to.

We have a new member of the family his name is Dapper and He is L~'s dog... he is very timid with the rest of us but follows her around like she is his Mommy. The rest of the family would love it if he put his fears aside and played with us too. He is warming up to the rest of us, but slowly.

A~ has had a few evaluations at school as she is not on target for her age level, but she loves Special Ed and all her teachers. I get so many compliments on how well mannered and cooperative she is. The teachers at Vista are really working hard with her, and we really appreciate all of them. A~'s smile has been shining though lately shes been more focused and able to do her chores without constant supervision. She is self starting on her homework and seeking help when she is stuck. Keep praying it is helping! Daddy was a huge help in doing therapy over the christmas break. I got a mini vacation as he wanted to cook as well. So props to Hubby he is a really good guy!

I have been blessed by being able to do some projects for work at home. I just love the work they have been giving me. Its great to dip my toe in the graphic art world again and discover its like riding a bike once you learn you can just start up again. I had a great refresher course from Mike and then I was able to jump back in. Its been super fun when I can keep Little Miss. Busy occupied.

Saturday Morning Bear

Ah yes another Saturday another story.

I'm feeling kinda sick and spent yesterday doing nothing of value. Since I was so uncomfortable hubby decided the couch would give him a better night sleep.  Sleeping with me last night was like sleeping with maracas. Yes you have my permission to feel sorry for him.  You can feel sorry for me too but I actually got sleep last night....

So round about 2:30 AM L gets up scared... her head itches so it must be lice! NOT!  So she crawls in A's bed. (what a reason to crawl into bed with your sister, "I think I have lice lets spread it around!!!")  L sleeps without covers and A sleeps under 3 blankets. Can you guess what happened next? L strips the bed of covers because she's hot. Poor A she's asleep fumbling around for her covers pulling them back up but they are stuck...    Nothing like a sleeping fist fight (you have heard of sleep walking and sleep eating now its sleep fighting)  to wake Daddy Up.   Then Daddy makes mistake Number 1, he tried to find out what happened. he asked "Why are you scared?" a few to many times.  And mistake Number 2 allows L to cuddle till she is asleep on the couch with him.  This doesn't work with L, if she is the least bit uncomfortable she wakes up. She also blames you for waking her up, when she does wake up. Oi Poor Daddy every time he got some shut eye L is checking to see if he is awake and that she is safe.  

I have found it is best to put a time limit on the cuddly wuddly time. Taking care of yourself is the best choice. When your kid keeps you up all night, your totally useless for them the next day. Being a totally useless half asleep growly parent doesn't breed confidence in your children.

I have had this happen  the all night I'm scared, and I don't know why nights. I'm so glad L is 6 and is a reasonable child. When I set out a  reasonable argument as to why Mama needs her sleep she accepts it.  Typically I use the  If Mama bear doesn't get enough sleep she is a grrrowly bear in the morning argument. Then I give her 15 min cuddly wuddly time and tuck her back in bed, with a prayer and a song and a strong stuffed animal, like the big bear or the lion.  Then we talk about how the animal will protect her from the imaginary monsters of the night. It is the silliest of ideas but to a child it is perfectly reasonable.  The monsters aren't real and the stuffed animal isn't really real so one can protect you from the other. 

So now we have a grumpy cries at the slightest perception of unrightousness (is that a word?) child and a hubby who has had 3 cups of Komoto Dragon coffee this morning to wake up. I'm really tempted to drop a big dictionary just to make them both jump.  Where as A and I are chipper and ready to face the day! Woo hoo!  

The one thing I have the hardest time dealing with is remembering that these children are traumatized and some times their fear is inarticulatable (is that a word too?). They cannot express what makes them afraid.  They don't want to re-live those horrible moments of being abandoned, or explore those feelings. I'm sure my illness and being sick brought about the fear in the night.  The loss these children have felt is a constant worry, no matter how well behaved and secure they seem there is a deep loss that only can be filled with the secure knowledge of the love of Jesus.  The trust issues in these children run deep.  

When L and I were talking this morning. I would not assure her I would always be "OK" because anything can happen and wreck our plans for our lives. She can be sure that I will do my very best to be "OK" and be her Mom for ever after.  Lets face it this kid most likely was told Daddy will be right back, just wait here for me, and he never came back.  Saying I will always be OK, sets up a paradigm for loss again and a lack of trust to be built.  Our lives are always on the edge of a knife.  How many times a day does God protect me from a poor driver or my own stupidity.  The smell of gas last week could have been an explosion, it wasn't and it was fleeting but accidents happen every day. I try not to make a promise I'm not sure I can keep. 

but it is NOT MY fault.

So i wake up this morning to beep, beep, beep, beep, well u get the idea. Now my half awake brain is telling me that it is not my alarm clock. Where could it be coming from? himm I wonder Hubby gets up and runs out of the room also in a fog. then the beeping becomes more incessant and turns into a ear penetrating siren. Now I'm fully awake and my head is hurting... ahh the sound is reduced... and blessedly stops. What could it be... I hear angry mumblings from my hubby outside and I go investigate.

My dd1 says but Mom I just was getting the calendar down for L. It's not my fault. yeah right... you sound like Eve honi... So when the whole story comes out. A is insisting its January L said no its not, yes it is, no its not... yada yada ... A climbs up on Moms comfy Ikea chair.. not the most stable piece of furniture. And grabs the calendar also while she is up there she discovers our house alarm. Which was disabled but set with a pin. She managed to convince it she was a burglar. L was soooo funny when I was telling them what it did and how it worked. L said "But Mom A is not a burglar doesn't it know that??"

So that was my Morning I'm wondering if having the alarm is worth it. So I don't pay as much for my home owners insurance.. but is it worth 50$ a year in savings when weighed against 2 hours of sleep... 4 divided by 50 is 12.50 himmm my sleep is worth way more than that... (I'm counting hubbys sleep time as well.)

I think the most fun this morning was watching my dd1 try her darndest to avoid getting in trouble. Responses like "I was doing it for her... I can't hear you, what did you say? I'm confused, I don't know, My ears are clogged, I don't understand." all of these were responses to just one question... "Was it fun to play with the alarm?" does she really think I'm buying what she is selling! lol Man o Man I ended up having to tell her if she wouldn't answer properly she could go be alone outside (yes in a safe place)... I'm sure glad the wind picked up and storm clouds blew in once that happened... Suddenly she was willing to come in and tell me the truth and answer all the questions with real answers not delaying look at me answers. ;-) Gotta love it when the Child's heart decides cooperation is the better part of valor.

So I'm thinking a good discipline is for her to clean an d check all the smoke detectors in the house. I mean since she loves to climb on counters, dryers, chairs, pianos. Why not learn to use a step stool properly. ROFL

Parenting should always be fun.

Christmas blues

Nothing like listening to jazz at Christmas time. Chex cereal put out a cd ages ago and we still listen to it every year. My latest favorite is a joke present from last year. Red neck Christmas.. favorites like I'm "gettin nothin for Xmas" and Grandma got run over by a reindeer. They make me laugh.

L is super excited about Christmas this year. She almost believes in Santa I need to take her to sit in his lap and ask for a present. Tee hee that will cinch it.. Not that I want her to believe in Santa but she is so "enchanted" with Christmas. Its hard not to let it go whole hog.. Since it's her first, and she is so un-jaded.

I'm finding making Christmas work this year hard it is just not happening.. 3 days of lets make cookies and no cookies have been made. Part of me is dreading the mess cookies will make of the kitchen. Where will they all go? and will Hubby eat them the no no cookies... Himm

I been feeling sorry for A. A relative came for a visit and played up all her "acting out" behaviors as being "great and good", Not rather annoying and rude, which they can be. So she was like "I been right all along I am perfect!" When she had friends over to do some community service project stuff. She pulled out all the stops. Lets all watch me dance instead of working she "acted out" like she did before but instead of praise... It only annoyed her friend. Mom knowing this would happen had to pull her into another room for a "talk." Sigh.. I'm really not into false praise. I am into real praise. Ya do it right Ya get praised. I'm also into criticism but I'm trying to drop that, I don't see it getting the results I really want. Some times I think false praise is more damaging than criticism. You create unrealistic expectations in a child and when they fail they crash. And eventually stop trusting Adults they think "they say what you want to hear not what is true."

I like to say what is true like "This will hurt but not to much, only like a pinch for a second." as opposed to the nurse who lies and says it won't hurt a bit, and then jabs you 3 times with a needle. I'm sure my children will rise up and say Mom always told us the gory details I wish she had spared us. ;-)

follow up on L's lilies

So this summer was summer was stressful, moments of horribleness mixed in with pure bliss, but No where an even keel day. I been thinking about one day in June. L was asking about how long we had been waiting for her. I had a perfect opportunity that day to talk about these things. Her lilies had started to blossom that week. So I could take her out there and show her the flowers I had planted just for her. They were gorgeous, and huge. And so worth putting stuff back from the cart to get them. You should have seen her face. Her Eyes got big and wide and a grin from ear to ear once she understood what I was saying. I have to admit She really managed communication well. I could use the online dictionary to get certain words and meanings across but she didn't! yet she managed to let me know what was going on, with pantomime and using the few words she knew to her advantage. She amazes me every day in a really good way.

June 3rd

Well this morning they dragged us to a museum all about he zhaun (jan)people. Not that it matters since the more the interpreter talks to
Little Miss Sunshine the more positive she is that mai mai was brought here from a more north proviannce. mai mai is very observant she has figured out so many things. And lol she tricked me into getting her dessert for lunch. So I made her eat all her green beans. And she loves red bell peppers and meat, she is already abandoning her chopsticks for a fork!!! but I'm not letting her yet. Need to keep up that dexterity to keep her brain so sharp.
We walked to the park about a quarter of a mile from here, so pretty
and very busy people playing cards and grandmas taking children out to play. The cities are very green, many times you forget you are surrounded by high rises. And so beautiful. The various parks we
have seen are just beautiful.

The government encourages early retirement 45 -55 that way a young person can have their job. The way things work is the older people retire and the son takes care of mama and papa if they do not have a pension. It makes it very hard for young couples to have children. Because they no longer all live in the same home so the young couple may have 2 sets of parents apartments to pay for as well as their own. Thus the one child policy is encouraged...more and more young couples must wait to have children because they cannot afford them. Every thing is done with labor when ever possible since people need employment. guess who is paying for al these jobs... You and me!! Apparently the trade deficit we owe is what means very little taxes and the government having so many workers.

Also it’s not a true one-child policy if you’re a minority a one child policy would eventually speak your minorities demise, so the minority families can have up to 4 kids with out paying a fine. Also it’s by family not person so if you get divorced you can have a new child with your new spouse. And if you can afford it you can have as many children as you like but you must pay a fine of what would be like us paying. 3 thousand dollars it’s not that much but I've converted it to our standard of living.

Since mai mai was brought in with medical issues and is a girl we are surmising her parents could not afford the necessary medical treatment. Its kinda mixed up if you can't afford treatment then your child goes without. No Medicare etc.. health care is not that expensive but since China has moved to a more capitalistic society... If your on the lower rung tough luck. So the poorer families will some times choose to abandon their little ones so the kids can get treatment.

mai mai’s foster mom has prepared her so well and she is so sweet. She has mama wrapped around her little finger. She helps me wring out the clothes because the local laundry won't be back until tomarow and it's super humid here.. walk outside break a sweat from condensation alone. She cleans up after her self!! She dressed the B's baby (hoi hoi) and calmed her down when she wouldn't stop crying last night. She sure knows her ways around babies. Bet her foster mom is missing all her help.

June 1st Gotcha day

Are you ready for some crying!! the interperater asked...

Wow, I keep saying lily ran to me but now I see the footage the b's sent us she was a tad reluctant to come but she was happy and jumping up and down when we arrived. She kept grabbing my arm and making me hold her tight. she is so ready for us to be her parents, well at this stage it was more me, less Dad but he's recovering. mai mai (little sister) only blubbed for a few minutes, the interpreter told me she was crying because we were not going to America right now! and that we had to wait for paperwork and her passport and stay in a hotel.


mai mai is such a blessing. She is so smart I really am blown away at how smart. Its so weird having a child that has good balance. She ran off and hopped through a pond with stepping stones - was so afraid she would fall in but not mai mai she just gleefully hopped from stone to stone like it was nothing jay jay (big sister) followed moaning and groaning the whole time. I'm very much in love with mai mai she is so easy to love. Daddy and I talked last night about how mai mai has taken so readily to me. He said he now knows how I felt in India. But he is so happy for me because he knows I needed this. jay jay is experiencing the green monster. But I pointed out mai mai is watching and learning from her. She imitates many things jay jay does. That made jay jay feel better.

The next day in China

So we got to the. Wall yesterday happy for lift to the top and we
didn't have to climb 1k stairs. It was like going to Grand Canyon
felt like I was in a post card. Was a long day but very fun. DD1
has made friends with one of the girls on the trip. And they are
having so much fun together.

At the great wall DD1 wanted a Chinese dress. I bargained with the
lady till she was frowning. That must mean I paid the right price. NOT!

On the way back we saw Cloisonné Factory it was neat. Every
thing here seems to have special meaning and symbolism. They also dragged us to a Hutong. If you added a bathroom I would love it. As there is no potty in the actual home... But plenty latrine style just down the street,very clean 4 holes no waiting and NO privacy!. NO i really mean no privacy.. no walls, ladies chatting to each other as they go about their daily business. DD1 really had to go so off we went to a local squatty potty it took her a bit to get over everyone staring at her. Everyone is into everyone else’s business, and they seem to like it that way.




Cloisonné is dying out in China it's not a well paid job. And craftmenship is falling in quality as the people are retiring and not passing on this skill set. The ladies do the layering of color on to the brass and the men do the rough work of sanding the pieces down with rocks not sand paper! And putting the pieces in to the fire. It is said the men can not layer the color, they don't have the mental stability to do it the same day in and day out. lol

We had great food some of the other families wouldn't eat it cause they dared not get sick on this trip. White Rice for them more sweet and sour mystery meat for me.. no one ate the eye of the carp. Weird Americans leaving the best part of the meal on the table.

Pan (its not a typo) our guide told me China has lost the knowledge of how to make the huge blue and white ceramic pots of old. When they try to recreate was was made before they never achieve the same level of quality. This knowledge was truly lost due to the cultural revolution

First day in china

some notes from my trip..
We are having breakfast. DD1 is happy they have waffles. And I made
her try leechee fruit. But I wouldn't let her eat fried noodles for
breakfast. Dad is trying his limited Chinese much to the amusement of the staff. DD1 likes the leechees.
Our flight from Chicago got cancelled but we got here via San Francisco thank God we are here only the 2 flights per day I guess.
I was brain dead to think it was San Diego. Oi too many saints!
Well were finishing our kaifi and cha, and were gonna go find a place to visit all on our own..

We went to a huge park built in 1750 or so during the Qing dynasty.
DD1 is a real trooper she gets lots of stares I been telling her to
stare right back but to smile. So far 2 people have asked for her
picture. Everyone is fascinated by her but she just takes it as her
due.


We did have trouble getting a taxi back but a very nice man helped us
flag one down. Language really is 90 percent body language we have
been using our minimal Chinese to good effect.

When we were at the park DD1 had to go potty. Sure glad I had her
practice. She still put her hands on the really gross bathroom floor eeeewwwww. Sure glad she is still on antibiotics.

Hotel is super nice and super expensive so we walked 10 min and found a mall. KFC anyone lol. We went to South Beauty restaurant. I had smoked Duck hard to eat with chopsticks, it still had all its bones! and the fat layer was 3/8 ths of an inch thick in places. Tasted like bacon but better. DD1 Loved the dumplings. They were
super good. And the bill was less than half of what we paid at hotel
and way more fun. The restaurant staff Gave DD1 two fairy tales in chinese and english. The stories weren't exactly right but close enough. and the illustrations were more chinese looking.

Faith

A few months ago DD and I went to Calaoway's to get seeds and plants for our garden. I picked up peppers, tomatos, some herbs and packages of seeds. While there I saw these lovely lily bulbs. I really miss my Star Gazer Lily's.

I had bought them at the Toronto garden show years and years ago. I had planted them at home in a pot, because in NY they tend to die if you keep them outside all winter long. Ariel came home that year and when the plant got to the point of being about to flower, DD snapped the bud off. I was sad but I was still ok with it. The bulb got huge!, and the next year it flowered. It had multiple flowers on it and the flowers were 7-10 inches across. I had to leave these flowers behind In New York. I didn't know if I would get a garden at the apartment complex, or if we would ever be in a house again.

I had left my Lilies in good hands, but as I was passing the display with all the summer flowering bulbs in it, I though I should get some. “Build a lily garden now for DD2.” Live in the expectation of her arrival. So later on in her life when her garden is full of many kinds of lilies I can say to her I bought these when you lived in China. I knew you would be home before they bloomed, and I would be able to share them with you.

I know it may seem like a small decision but Lily bulbs were 8-16$ DD and I had to choose what plants we had already picked out could be sacrificed. So one pepper plant went back and a pot of herbs, one of DD's flowering plants was replaced with a package of seeds. And I put back one perennial. Finally we had enough left in the budget to get the bulbs. It was the first thing we planted when we got home.

What a beautiful picture it is to me. You know inside every bulb is a flower its already formed just waiting to finish growing. It just needs to be planted, for the sun to warm the soil, and the rain to water it.

How faithful God is, I have had such peace this last week. I should have been upset but instead God gave me a deep assurance. Last Friday we got an email saying our trip had been set up to go to China! We had approval to travel.
We needed to get our visas and tickets etc. Well By Tuesday we had another email saying “Don’t travel” they haven’t posted your approved paperwork at the US consulate in Guangzhou.
A rock and a hard place position.
If we canceled our trip it could cost 500$. If we go we could get stuck in China for an indefinite period of time. So suddenly it looks like were in for a disappointment. We pursue our paperwork trying to find out where it is. Many phone calls and emails later we find out it’s missing, it is as if the USICS immigration office never sent it. I’m praying about it but I’m finding myself not getting all worked up about it. I really felt like God was saying wait 2 days, and watch and see.. So I did, the guy at adoption agency confirmed it when he said “You don’t have to make a decision yet. We will talk on Friday.” So I called various offices and asked for their assistance. The travel guy said I could try but not to get my hopes up. So long story short, What can take up to 4 weeks for man to do. God got it done in 48 hours. By Friday our missing paperwork was in place in Guangzhou.

So late in May will be traveling to China and we will receive into our family DD2, s With much love and joy, we wait in anticipation for this 4th member of our family to join us.

Say cheese, and keep your eyes open!

So here goes.. last week we got notified that the chinese government says its ok for us to travel. We got thrilled and happy excited paranoid all at the same time. After a few days of getting everything together. prepping visa stuff etc.. getting psychotic photos of DD taken.. I shall digress because its so stinking funny.

Why is it that when you need a demure photo of your child, so you can look that chinese official in the eye and confirm that yes she is mine and so good.. that is when your child chooses to look crazy, tilts her head and laughs out loud. And when the photographer who can't be older than 17 keeps saying
"are you ready?" (child looks great eyes open, nice smile)
"three" (child's head starts to tilt starts burping giggles)
"two" (child face starts to puff out as they withhold laughter)
"one" (child closes eyes while braying like a donkey)
17 year old then snaps photo...
rinse and repeat 10 more times.. till child is so worked up the only photo with her eyes open.... is the one where she looks ready for a rubber room. *sigh*
Exit mom with unacceptable photo in hand but really what can I do? At this point its not going to get any better, only worse.
Ok digression over with ..

So were planning on travel and we get an advisory *don't travel* the embassy in Guangzhou doesn't have your updated paperwork.
ok practice *deep breathing* DH calls the guy at Adoption agency.. DH is still in never never land ( wee were gonna travel) and really doesn't hear what the travel guy is saying. DH pursues tickets with a single mindedness akin to a pit bull.

Then DH gives me the job of calling the national visa center. Now you can talk to a real person from 8 am-12 am weekdays. but be forwarned they don't let you camp on hold... no if you don't get anyone your call gets dropped. And my stinking redial won't work because I have to punch in all these numbers .. hit 1 for english hit 2 for spanish etc..
so after about 2 hours of dialing and beginning to comprehend the spanish message that says "I'm sorry all our operators are busy now."

Finally I get a nice sweet lady who tells me my paper work is missing and I have to have the USICS ( who has not been very helpful) email the paperwork again.. Our hopes for traveling in May dwindle. So I accept the facts and move on with my life. "Gotcha Day" may have to wait. It's ok... later that day I see a forwarded email from DH saying the USICS has responded very quickly and has already emailed the paperwork.. I also have received a email from the national visa center saying my paperwork was sent to Guangzhou!!! November 2 years ago, wait it was sent when... November 2 years ago a whole second of heart racing. ahh well that is expired like the can of whipped cream in my fridge. .. but then I think what can it hurt to reply to this email and ask... they can only say no right???
So I sent a nice "I know you work so hard" email back asking them "if they could do anything... it would be greatly appreciated". Thus the saying goes, you really do catch more flies with honey..

Bingo in my email today my paper work has been sent on to Guangzhou. weird thing was God was talking to me in the car on the way home.. hey check your email no really... go check it.. I got a surprize for you.. My heart didn't even race cause I was expecting it. =))
so I called the travel guy at adoption agency "hey does this mean we can buy tickets?? can we keep our travel dates?? huh?? huh?? well maybe.. ROFL gotta love it ---->>>MAYBE<-----We will call tomorrow and see how this journey ends..

P.S. I went to another place to get DD's photos retaken (Would you have returned to the 17 year old???) and amazingly the 30 year old mom didn't say 3.2.1 go.. but snapped the picture the minute she opened her eyes. and insisted on taking the psychotic photos (would have been great for blackmailing purposes) from the day before as an exchange even tho I didn't buy them from that store..

The secret code is broken!

I'm really tired tonight, last few days I have been trying not to worry (unsuccessfully I might add) about the adoption stuff. Someone's email server blew up (not mine) at the time Wu Yuan was assigned to us. Leading to Miscommunication on a grand scale. Everything is straightened out now but a few nights of no sleep and My sarcoidisis wakes up and yawns and say's "now that she's down I'll kick her." At least it makes me so tired I can't help sleeping.

Today in school we talked about what a kid did wrong in her reading book. And DD decided it was the boy worrying. "He should have been himself Mom." she said. So we talked about trusting in God. and I said mama's been worrying a lot lately. And she hugged me. "Mama you have been doing wrong like the boy. It will be ok."
out of the mouths of babes!

So My hubby before running off to a practice session, knew I was really tired and he said " What is she (meaning DD) gonna do?" so I said "While I'm resting. I'm going to.... I start spelling ....
L E T ... D D .. W a t c h ... t e l e v i s i o n .. o r.. a .. M ... at this point DD chimes in "O V I E! I get to watch a movie Yippie!!! M O V I E!! spells movie. Yeah!!!" I looked at Tom and though OH NO! the code is broken now I have to figure out Pig latin.. Doh!


Meanwhile she wandering around the house asking me the dogs her doll Ni hao ma? Ni hao, Zaijian, xie xie. It's wild I think she is picking up chinese faster than she picked up english.

adoptive mom and the day we found out about you.

In December we pull out the Advent book and every day we read another part of the birth of Jesus. DD loves to open the doors each day and read the story. Everyday the first week, we read the annunciation where the angle says to Mary “nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37 Everyday I heard this verse, it wormed its way into my heart. I began to talk to God. “I know I’m not Sarah or Hanna, or Mary, I’m not some great giant of faith that I deserve to be in on the secret. But God you love me just as much as you loved those women. I really wish you would speak to me and reassure me.” I prayed this prayer without any expectations it was like a sigh from my heart.

When we first started our adoption journey I choose a baby instead of an older child. DH in his infinite wisdom played along. As the process began to unfold God started to challenge my heart. Asking me such questions as “Who are you to dictate what I have for you?” I kept thinking about God as if he has both hands full of a great gift and I keep asking for what is in His right hand. “No, no really God I don’t need all you want to give me, I’ll just take what I think, I want, and it’s in the right hand.” He couldn’t give me anything unless I took what was in both of His hands. I began to see I needed to be open to what God wanted for me, not what I wanted for me. If I look at it logically doesn’t God have my best interests at heart? What was I so worried about?, so like Abraham I took my “baby” to the alter and gave it to God. Then I held out both hands and said God you fill em.

Shortly after I had sighed my prayer, I cracked open my bible to read. I was going to read some Psalms. But instead I decided to read Isaiah. I then read this:
Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
"Enlarge the place of your tent,

 stretch your tent curtains wide,

 do not hold back;

 lengthen your cords,

 strengthen your stakes.
Isaiah 54: 1-2
Wow when God chooses to speak, He Speaks. I still was a bit confused should I start shouting for joy right away? Our adoption process was in the queue and we had just gotten another email saying child wait times were going up another month possibly two. It seemed our child assignment wait time had been holding at 16 months forever. My mind kept asking the Lord “Huh?” Yet my heart was satisfied, sitting in amazement at how He ministered to my desire and I was at peace. I stored these verses in my heart as a secret treasure.

In on December 11th we got a call from Holt International, it was the waiting child program. They were wanted to know if we would be interested in a 5 year old girl.
She hadn’t been in care that long, less than a year and had some lung problems. I told J. we would look at her file. So she emailed it to me. I poured over the English translation. I fell in love with her story, her picture, her sweet half sad, half smiling face wrapped itself around my heart.

God’s timing is perfect He really knows what he is doing. You see the very next day I had an appointment with my Pulmonologist. I scheduled this appointment 6 months ago. How awesome is that???
So I took in my pile of paper and we had a nice talk.
Would this problem affect her quality of life? No.
Is it something operable? No not really.
Is this issue going to shadow her life everyday? No.
I got some tips on what not to do, like scuba diving is not a good idea, mountain climbing is out as well. Not real hardships for me! She seemed to fit in to our family right away.
Who better to take care of her than me? I understand the feelings of heaviness in ones lungs.

So for days I couldn’t sleep I was too keyed up, could we, would we. As we filled out form after form explaining why we would be good parents for her. We had to get this approval and that approval, were other parents interested in her? Would we be chosen?
I slept in fits and starts praying and asking God, thanking God believing in faith she was our Lily. Then the day came, I got a call from the director. We had been ok’d by our local agency and the waiting child program. They were handing our file over to the China program we were officially matched! I called DH, his phone was on do not disturb!! Such exciting news and I can’t reach him!! I called J.D. one of his co-workers and J.D. tracked him down. It wasn’t that hard as DH was just returning from a meeting. It was exactly what he had been hoping to hear! As we rejoiced together as a family that evening, DD was confused. “Mama why are you crying?” Poor DD, tears only mean sadness to her. So we stopped and explained, “Some times when we are incredibly happy we cry tears of joy.”

Musings on landscapers paper and shoes

This Summer I planted some heirloom tomatoes. And much to my regret they didn’t produce one fruit. But my garden did make us lots of nice salads and we are still getting peppers. I have been packing up my bumper crop of Brussels sprouts. They are in tidy little bags for wintertime eating. By the way, I love Brussels sprouts, who can resist tiny baby cabbages in butter?

Lately I have been pulling out all the weeds that have crept into my garden. Even though this year I put down black landscapers material to keep the weeds out. It didn’t work. One cannot put down a covering and say “Now I will never get another weed.” Those weeds come creeping into the garden anyways. And the roots grow right through the black stuff. Others had such tiny and sharp grass blades they poked right though.

God once again used my garden to speak to me. I know if I had spent 20 minutes with my garden everyday I would never have tolerated any weeds. I would have pulled them up when they were small. Like a daily quiet time with the Lord, keeps my heart weeded. If I neglect my heart, even though I have plenty of layers of his word in there, my heart will still grow weeds if I neglect it.

Friday, Dear Daughter and I went on a field trip with our home school group. We went to “Orphaned shoes for orphaned souls”. http://www.shoesfororphansouls.org/ We had lots of fun sorting shoes. It was funny all the girls wanted to sort the pink ones, where the boys didn’t care what color they were just as long as they could zip tie them together.
I remember the day we received our daughter. The Orphanage took back all of her clothing. Orphans do not own anything, not even the clothing they wear. She didn’t have any shoes either. In fact when I went looking for shoes for her in India, only one type was available and only in 2 colors green or red. I was surprised but when I looked around none of the kids in the street had shoes on. I only saw one child in the airport with shoes, and they were the green version. isn't it odd In India they really don't use shoes for babies but in America they are $19.99 and we have 100's to choose from.

So where is a post about your garden!

So the last time I weeded my garden I broke out in hives. Was it a bug bite was it a weed? Who knows but the allergy medicine I took made me sleep for 13 hours straight.
I must have needed the sleep!
My garden is full of weeds (grass) this year. The massive rains we experienced made the grass grow. Grass around here is like mint and strawberries combined. One type sends out runners overland and drops roots every inch or so, another type sends out roots and sprouts a new shoot every 2-3 inches. These shoots can and do penetrate landscaping mats !!!!! They are so sharp they poke a hole in it and just keep on growing. The overland grass just grows over the top rooting itself into said mat. I can’t think of how to control it except by continually ripping it out. I think this fall I will have to remove all the perennials layer about 20 Sunday papers over it all and replant the permanent plants back in, then cover it all with rocks!

This year my garden produced a nice pile of spinach but it was too close to the termite treatment and every time we ate it we got sick. I pulled it out and planted flowers. So much for the brochures assurances the pesticides bind with the soil and do not effect humans and since I have to call the guy back and tell him I have seen 3 termites in my house this past week, So much for the assurances it works for six years.
The flowers have done very well. We had cut Zinnias for weeks and weeks. My jalapenos are happy and still producing, while my red peppers are not setting fruit. All the heirloom tomatoes just grew up and then stopped doing anything. The flowers just drop off grrr I can see them being pollinated, the butterflies and bees visit them but no tomatoes sigh...
My green peppers on the other hand look like the ones you get in the stores big thick walled things that taste as yummy as they look. Although my brussel sprouts have been a haven for cabbage moths all summer, they are now ready for harvesting. I have been blanching and freezing a batch a day. I love young sweet sprouts I know, I know you’re all going ewwwww! brussel sprouts! but really if you catch em while they are young and tender they are quiet yummy!

I planted some peas and radishes, and summer squash yesterday and will be planting carrots and turnips today. It’s amazing how much produce a garden can produce in the fall around here. So my internal debate is do I invest in asparagus? I love it I can never afford it should I buy plants or grow from seed… himm something to think about.

My Little Mimic

My little mimic

Today dd was all about being just like Mommy. We came to find out that she didn't own any black shirts and I didn't own any pink ones. So dressing alike would be difficult, Altho we both had grey shorts she refused to wear hers. "They are not pretty Mommy!" I'm beyond the pretty stage I'm all about comfort!

Little ones are constantly mimicking what we do. Shes been picking at her fingernails and I just realised either I'm mimicking her or I have been a poor example. I can't stand to have anything under my nails so I constantly clean them out.

Todays big argument was all about the "brassiere" yes that unmentionable undergarment. Maybe I should use the french version of the word bandeaux. but any way you spell it it was still funny and uncomfortable at the same time.
DD: "Mommy I want to wear one"
Mom: " No dear they aren't that much fun."
DD: "You do! and I want to be just like you"
Mom "Well you don't have the parts yet dearie."
DD "Yes I do Look, Right here!" Picture if you will a skinny child taking a deep breath and pointing to her last rib bones. It was so funny I burst out laughing. I think we need to study more anatomy in school.

I tried a diffrent tactic. I told her they don't make them in her size... but she wasn't buying what I was selling. You know that look of pure disbelife kids have, the little wheels in thier minds are turning I could just see it "Ya right... you alway say no to what I want, so this must be one of those times." I even let her try on some, but lo and behold they didn't fit, imagin that! DD is funny if it is "Not my size and to big" she refuses to wear it. Trying to get this to work for me... Failed. Her solution "Lets go buy one that is my size." sigh... out witted by an 8 year old. I was thinking if she only knew what wrinkles they made in her skin she would never put one on!

In our read aloud story today I read a song, so I sang part of it, so she would realize it was a song. When it came her turn to read for school, she sang the first 3 pages. I asked her to stop for a second since last week she told me shes not listening to herself when she reads. All I could think was this singing is all she is concentrating on and not listening to her self. But after 3 correct answers and detailed information about the story, I surprized her .. keep singing.. if you read and sing and you retain it, sing sing sing!!! heh heh heh she had that look "huh she likes it? This is supposed to annoy her"

So later in the day were sitting in prayer meeting I sat by my friend, her favorite "aunti," She begged to sit by her friend E. Eventually they got to sit by each other. He put his feet out, she put her feet out. He sat still, she sat still. He wiggled his fingers, she wiggled her fingers. Thank goodness E is the most polite child in the world. Can you imagine what would have happend if I put her next to someone hyper!

I need to remember everything I do is being watched her little mind absorbing good and bad habits like a sponge.
No wonder Mom and Dad were always happy to see us off. "Bye-Bye have fun! Don't call after nine at night" *wave* Whew now we can just be ourselves the kids are gone!

I been thinking about anger

A few weeks ago we lost one of our precious dogs Hudson to liver cancer. Short of extreme measures and a large expenditure of money we do not have, there was nothing we could do. My daughter dealt with it by talking about swimming. I would ask her if she missed the dog and instead she natters on incessantly about swimming.

Then breakfast became a battlefield.
Mom: What do you want for breakfast this morning?
DD: Eggs!
Mom: Why are you not eating your eggs?
DD: I want toast! My tummy hurts…
Mom: Honi you asked for grape jelly on your toast now eat it please. DD: My Tummy hurts I want cereal.
Mom: your tummy hurts because you are hungry. Now eat!

Day after day after day the same thing every morning, if I say its wet outside she said its dry. If I say its hot outside she says its cold and goes out in 95-degree heat wearing a sweater. She of course reappears in 5 minutes saying, “I’m sweaty.” Well DUH!!! It’s hot outside. Picture me banging my head against the wall.

So following the sage advice of a wise woman, I stopped giving her options for breakfast because no matter what I put in front of this child she wouldn’t eat it and well soggy cereal doesn’t last for lunch and reheated eggs are kinds gross. My childhood memories are haunted with thrice reheated scrambled eggs, UGH! Can we say, “Eating a hockey puck would taste better?”

Usually by 11 am she is hungry enough to eat corn flakes. So how does this all relate to anger? I have noticed a trend maybe I have been half out of it but when I say “Honi 10 more minutes then you have to turn the game off. In 10 minutes when I ask for the game to be turned off she lobs the “anger football” at me... why is she mad at me, this is great because: I didn’t forget and made her turn the game off. My hubby comes in flustered and upset and I get to recive the “anger football” from him. Is he mad at me No… In all of this I realized I’m not the quarter-back I guess I’m the one who gets to catch it and can make a touch down with this anger football. But it’s hard work always reciving anger that should be directed elsewhere. I’m not the one who caused the problem but I seem to be the deposit box for it all.

I think this is something Moms just do. I did have a long talk with my DD. About how sometimes we are mad about something else and so were mad about everything, and how she is probably mad about Mommy letting Hudson die. And how for some strange reason it is easier to be angry than sad.

Ever notice how anger is justifiable, but sadness is frowned upon. And one day the floodgates open on my little one and all the ignored crying came pouring out. Real grief, real tears. Whew!

Lost In Thought

I have this plan you see to take my kid the the moveis tonight Nancy drew is playing at the doller theater and I thought it would be fun. But like all moms I wanted to surprize her so I think how can I get her out of the house without her asking "where are we going for 20 minutes straight"

So I bribed my child with "going to eat at McDonalds" If she cleaned her room that wasn't "that" dirty. I know full well if I took her to Micky D's she would eat 3 fries, some reassembled chicken parts and a pint of catsup. She also would have a great time playing in the air conditioned play ground, considering it's been 83 degrees F. in the house for the last 6 weeks and the air conditoner has been running full boar all that time... (I don't even want to know what my next month bill will be) I knew she could use some play time not under the blazing sun. I knew I wanted that room to become something other than a state of chaos , and i would get her out of the house under the pretense of going out for dinner.

So Like all good Mommies I let her get on with her chores while I read internet postings. And I periodicaly checked up on her.
First check up: She has made her bed and her dolls bed and removed all the sheets from the pull out couch we use for guests that she was having fun sleeping in lately. Now I told her in the beginning she didn't have to touch the pull out bed and when the floor was safe to walk on I would close it up. Sigh... and what you may ask is she doing when I walk in... she is sitting stareing at a book... not reading it mind you just looking at the cover ...
She is Lost In Thought...

Mom redirects "try putting all your books away" and risks life closing up bed, bare foot steps on leggo. Note to self "wear shoes"

Second check up: Floor is clean in middle due to the fact she moved her little ikea bed accross the floor. It has effectively hidden the pile of junk on floor but of course one cannot get in or out of room with out acting like a monkey and climbing on the furniture. The books from floor are gone Yippie! Daughter is sitting stareing at zoo map yet again...
She is Lost in Thought

Mom rearranges the furniture so the local fire marshell would be pleased and comments nicely on books being put away. Catches myself cleaning her room and runs away, thinking if i keep doing it *for her* she will let me do it all and I won't get to eat the rest of her fries tonight. Because you know full well I will order the salad secure in the knowlege she will only eat 3 fries.

Third check up:
Its amazing her desk is clean!!! notebooks, pens, pencils and cd's are all put away, I almost faint from shock. Of course the dog is oblivious and sleeping on her bed that is groaning from the accumulated weight of stuff she has moved off her desk and floor. My daughter is stareing at a blue shirt that says "princess" that she is holding up and is yet again....
Lost In Thought

While I point out the fact that although the dog can sleep in the tiny space left on the bed she cannot and it needs to be all put away properly. I grab a stray books and start helping again I go behind her door (pls note book shelf is behind the doorway to her room) I close door so I can put book away and discover the leaning tower of Pisa recreated with books topped by Asland himself. Opening up the bookshelf door my worst fears are confirmed. They are almost empty I'm confused do I have this right we had 10 or 11 books on floor to be put away and now the books that were in the bookshelf are now on the book shelf ready to topple??? sigh.... I redirect child who is still holding blue shirt to put *that* in the laundry (always a safe place to put clothing from floor due to dog. DOG = dog hair on everything that comes in contact with floor) and put these books back where thay came from. Yes I did pull the tower down to floor level so they would not fall on top of her.

Forth check up
Her floor is clean the bed still needs work but my Mommie radar is working I spy with my little eye a pile of clothing and stuffed animals in a corner! I then go and open the door to her closet thinking altho the dog like to sleep on her bed.. the dog prefers to sleep in the closet.. yep sure enough nice unruly pile of playmobile, socks, underware, purses and notebooks.
and some how all the dressup clothing from inside the box have magicly removed themselves to next to the box. While I am making these discoveries she has been staring at the digital clock saying "my radio station is now 200" .... Once again Lost In Thought...

To make things easier I pull everything out and put in center of semi clean floor pointing out the collective homes for the big 3, Clothes = hamper, toys = bins, dress-up = dress-up chest. As I leave I attempt to shake the stray buttons from my feet but to no availe they're firmly stuck to the bottom of my feet. note to self remember to put on shoes and to put a lid on daughter button collection.

Fifth Check up is about to happen we have 20 min till we no longer have time to eat and go to movies and I have come to the conclusion that all she has really been doing for the last 2 and half hours is moving armfulls of stuff from floor to bed and back again while in between stuff moving she is staring at various articles that are to be found in her bed room. as I'm putting on my shoes she comes running out "Mom I cleaned my room!" Yes I do find about 10 errent items like shoes books and toys in her hamper but she quickly sets that to right. And she looks at me as says "Can we go to McDonalds right now!?" And I say yes In just a second because now
"I'm Lost In Thought"...