Learning Life skills.

What awesome things my kids are learning while here in NY. Many opportunities to do stuff we have never done while we were missionaries.  Grandpa has a smoker. Little Miss Sunshine helped clean a Walleye from a tournament. The Team: Dances With Fishes, Won big money for the fish they brought in. I love the fact that they eat what they catch. They had a big party and cleaned fish, they sent all comers home with the fruits of their labor, after stuffing us with deep-fried goodness.

Little Miss Sunshine loves all protein especially when its been dried or smoked.

 She started pestering Grandpa to smoke the fish. He said he didn't know how. As the pout started to form on her lips... Grandpa starts talking about how much fish he already has in the freezer. An idea formed in my mind... I said well Grandpa why not let her look up how to do it as a school project?

Sweet Potato is learning about "early" foods. I'm sure those 2 small fishes that Jesus multiplied were smoked or dried fish.. How else could Momma have packed them in the morning for his lunch? What better way to understand than to see it for yourself, and in this case taste it too! He agreed with alacrity, She ran off to get a tablet to look it up on google immediately. Well 3 days later she is holding 3 pounds of smoked fish.  She cleaned it. She made the brine, and soaked it. Today, Grandpa prepared the smoker and they smoked it together.  These memories will be priceless treasures her whole life long.  Meanwhile this non-fish eating human just loves it smoked... cause well it tastes more like bacon than fish. Yummmmmm Bacon of the Lake...

Through Life's Storms

A friend of mine texted me today about how my life has been one storm after another for such a long time and how well she thought I was weathering it. She said she was praying for me.  Words cannot express how grateful I am for all those of you praying us through this time of upheaval. I look back at the past year and see so much loss, best friends moving on everyone in our family experienced a bestie leaving, loss of one of our dogs, a new job for hubby but at the cost of loss of fellowship with so many good friends as our Venn circles no longer overlap, loss of our housing attached to the old job, and the hardest loss of all, the death of my mother the kids grandmother.  

I have been amazed at God's timing how he put me here in New York at just the right time to be a help and companion to my father. I may not be the best of companions but at least I'm here  :-)  We are hoping to close on the new house as soon as possible, please pray for favor with mortgage companies as government entities have lost documents on us... Pray they are found or are not needed. 

I did not want the girls to get to far behind so I did order some of this years curriculum. It arrived yesterday and I started assigning blocks of work. Since we only have pieces I'm having them do about 2 of each assignments per unit. I could not imagine trying to cart all the books we needed back to Texas in the tiny car we just bought for Daddies commuter. It will be a fun trip home! ha ha ha.  

I cannot believe Little Miss Sunshine is starting Algebra she is ready. Yet this week she has discovered the meaning of brain drain. Use it or lose it! She has not done any math over the summer other than looking at price tags and figuring out if she has enough money to buy the article of clothing. She was laughing at herself today that she could not remember 3x3 is 9! I have assigned a few extra math work sheets to warm up her math skills. 

I was so glad Sweet Potato's friend was praying for her today as she absolutely flew though addition of polynomials today. Woo hoo! She was all smiles as she was sifting though the math facts to get the answers. She was really trying today so less frustration for everyone.    My poor father has his dining room table taken over for hours at a time now. The girls are using the tablets for more than just fun and games... My poor candy crush saga is going no where... LOL. I'm glad I have them working on school. It was a good decision as it has been too cold to go swimming. Today it is 66 degrees out and raining. Brr... They had been OD'ing on TV while handy to keep them occupied during the daily hospital runs, how much back to back  "Say Yes To The Dress" can one watch without getting bored?  You know they have watched enough TV when your child says "Mom I have watched every Good Luck Charlie episode." with a hang dog expression in their eyes.  Doing school has normalized the days for the girls which in turn helps them process this nomadic life we are living at the moment. 

I never realized how hard it is for my kids to meet people in a new place.  I'm totally joining the nearest home school co-op when we get back! Never before was it an issue, as we were in a large community of friends who homeschooled.  I am looking forward to moving in, putting down some roots and letting Little Miss Sunshine raise a few rabbits. We may even join 4-H club. What a thought... it meets every other Tuesday night at 7pm and I can go! I'm grateful I have a place to weather the storms, supporting my dad and being supported by him. I am looking forward to traveling home and spending time as a complete family unit again. 

Crossroads

This is a poem I have been working on since October of 2014. I never felt it was quiet finished but since My knight In Shining Armor posted poetry  I sat down hoping the muse would also smile upon me.  I was able to pour out yet more of my emotions into finally finishing this poem.

Crossroads

Brokenhearted at the crossroads I stand.
No matter where the road turns or where I land,

You are right beside me.

No signs say this way is best,
Should I just tamely follow the rest?
Not a breeze flutters my hair,
as I ask "Which way Lord?" To the air.

Your silence is disconcerting...

Once voice says:
Your sad at my choice.

One voice says:
This is just a test.

One voice says:
You can freely choose.

So I ask again "Lord which way?"

The frogs go peep, the crickets sigh,
A dog in the distance howls a lonely cry.
Tears course down my cheeks at the sound,
They fall to the earth, rich and round.

My Lord and I stand side by side,
You hold my hand, I whisper, "Is it here we bide?'
Not a step forward or back does he go,
So here we stand; at the crossroad.

The sky turns pink at the setting of the day,
The clouds converge in a fantastic display,
Through the gathering storm descends the sun.
When will we be all one?

Do these paths go plodding on and on?
Does one lead to glory?
Does one lead to death?
We watch and I wait for the dawn.

The day has begun beautiful; yet devastated.
The death of dawn so unexpected.
Who knows the pain of walking through this door.
My grief lost in the midst of more,

My Lord holds my hand as we go through,
Saying gently, I know this too.
Hard things are worth doing is what I will tell.
All I ask, is that you finish well.

-Sara

Edit: Aug 27, 2015

My daughter loved my poem so much she painted this for me. 

Letters

I watched a Ted Talk on the art of handwriting, and how it engages the higher reasoning function of the brain. Interesting only cursive handwriting seems to do this, printing and typing do not.  I was amazed and inspired to sit down and write my Knight in Shining Armor a letter. I hope he has received it by now... In fact our relationship was built upon letters.  I wonder if that is why we can share stuff so easily. For years we wrote letters back and forth. One can commit things to paper that are often hard to say in person.

I love how a handwritten missive shows the emotional state of the person writing it. So much more is conveyed though a handwritten letter than through a typed email, or a text message... As I sealed up my letter I remembered I used to write SWAK on the back of all of them... so well I did it again. How silly, here I am 47 years old yet I put "sealed with a kiss." on the envelope.  I feel so young inside I know I am not on the outside but hey you are as young as you feel right!

I'm sure it costs way more to send a letter these days, but why not... funny I know I will face time him or call him or text him any time I want, yet I'm still drawn to writing him letters in this fairly short time apart. Think of all the wife of shipmen, in the age before telegraph/telephone. Waiting months to then get a pile of letters, did they sit down and read them all in order, all in one sitting, or wait and read one a day to make them last? What an age we live in that allows us instant communication face to face video chat. I'm still waiting for flying cars and jet packs of the Jetsons age...

So think of someone you haven't written to in a long time and send them a card or write them a long letter pop it in the mail and smile.

The Dreaded Algebra

Funny how I dread teaching ALGEBRA, but as I was working through how to at least get a start on school while we wait to move in to the new house, and I'm still in NY and not in TX... Oh the ramblings and meanderings of my mind. What to do? What to do?, and who calls but Mike Austin, looking for the web guy, who is not in NY and his old phone number is not forwarding properly. Mike was so helpful, and one email later,  I have a few things headed our way that we can start on that will help us not fall too far behind.

I already had the No-nonsense Algebra here so I got it out and sat down with Little Miss Sunshine... Sweet Potato is doing summer schooling with it... we at least have moved one whole chapter! My sister found an error in the guide.  Lesson 4-6 it's problem 15 or 16 I have forgotten which one but 3 of us all kept coming up with one of the answers but the other one didn't match the answer key. My sister picked it apart for 45 minutes before declaring the key was wrong.  Her father in-law a long time math teacher said "Oh the stories I could tell you about wrong answers in the the answer key."  Oddly he didn't actually tell us any.

So we finally got into the fun part of algebra solving X & Y because we have 2 equations. I told Sweet Potato it was magic math... (insert flying rainbow unicorns here) we don't know the variables but we have enough information that we can *still* solve them.  It was fun.. I can't believe I just said algebra was fun, but there it is on my computer screen. This from the girl who never understood square roots.  So as Sweet Potato and I slog through algebra going at her pace of learning. I'm at that point where Little Miss Sunshine is starting.

What a difference, I wonder if she knows how amazing it is to be introduced to negative numbers and immediately grasp if you have -45 -3 you add them to be -48 or that mental gymnastics of -32+56 =24 even the tough ones 3-4+7-10 =-4 type didn't stump her.

She told me she hated math and algebra was hard... I told her not to be scared and discussed real life negative numbers. You want beef jerky but you didn't bring your money it costs 4$ I buy it for you you now owe me (-4$)  and you give me 5 dollars when we get home how much money do I need to give you back?  It seemed to do the trick... (Think it was the beef jerky example beef jerky always holds her attention.) Suddenly she just understood *boing* like that...  I kept giving her harder and harder problems and she just kept working her way through them.

Later as Dad and I were driving to the hardware store he said... "You are a good teacher. You praise her so much and encourage her that is the key." Thanks Dad! We had a good discussion on how hard it is for me to find things to encourage Sweet Potato on, and yet how important it is. Her stubbornness has been imprinted in her mind from the time of her birth, it kept her alive in the orphanage, yet now it causes her to not listen.  So often I have to let her figure it out, you can do it your way 15 times and bang your head against the problem your way and when you figure out you need help and are ready then and only then are you teachable, and ready to learn... Maybe some day that persistence will create some new invention. I certainly hope so, but for now I can look forward to a few weeks of light school, that she can choose to make hard or easy.

A Time To Mourn.

My Dad in an email shared with me how he feels we his children have overcome our grief and mourning more quickly.

I wonder if he is correct in his thinking have I recovered quickly? Daily I face moments when I realize my mom is not here to tell this or that story too. It hits me like an arrow to my heart, I'm saddened by my loss.  Dad hates that term loss; yet for me it perfectly describes my feelings. It's a loss for me. Mom is not lost, and I'm not lost in the sense of "I have lost my way," but I am being deprived of my relationship with her and that is loss.

I was annoyed with Amy Carmichael when I read she insisted on the funeral marches in India be happy occasions full of joy. I could see her point to be a witness to those around her but in what way did that help her and her compatriots mourn the loss of their friend?

How can I sit down and say "But Dad it is a loss..."  I'm not starting that discussion, because I don't see him in that place. It's better to just listen and let him express his emotions. Funny how so many of my thoughts are so very different, sometimes even opposite of his. Maybe I'm finally learning tact? Oh wait I'm posting it on a blog so maybe not.  

When I'm driving and it hits me, I can't take the time to cry it out. I thought I would be able to take time to grieve at my friends house which I did but it was a small window.  I have children, I have responsibilities that draw me into the world, that pull me out of my grief. My friend was in such a great need of help that I just threw myself into as much work of helping as I could and like in the line of that great Jane Austen movie Persuasion,  "How can I be melancholy? When you have come to visit?" I hope I got that right. So much to talk about; 5 years of catching up to do and plenty of weeds to pull.

Of course my choosing to work instead of cry could be denial and it will hit me when I least expect it. I do know mom was not a "daily" part of my life before. I would hoard up things to tell her in our marathon phone calls. We lived 1300 miles away.  Yet I knew if I needed her advice or a recipe I could call her. It is that aspect of our relationship I miss.

There are other parts that I don't miss, at one point in my life I sat down and wrote myself a list of do's and don'ts for my relationship with mom. It really helped me set up healthy boundaries with her and I grew as a person. I would love to talk about that and walk through that aspect of my life, but not with my father. He doesn't see it in the same way that I do, nor do I expect him to. He will always hold a parental point of view. So I suppose to him I look like I'm over it.  In some ways I am and in others I'm not, I still get ambushed by my emotions.

I have lived with grief for so long. It is something I think people miss when one shares about infertility. When you go to adopt a child they make you take a long hard look at your grief, because if it's ignored it can cause so many issues in the adoptive family.  Maybe that is why I don't show it as much. Grief over all the children I never got to hold in my arms, the kick I never felt in my belly, has been a long term companion, yet it has been practically ignored by those around me. For me infertility equates tremendous loss, the death of all of my children by reading a paper with test results on it.  I would get funny looks if I burst into tears over my infertility. I mean come on, "you can just adopt", Or "God has a better plan for your life." "You are supposed to be married but without the encumbrances of children." The things people said you would not believe. My grief became very private shared with only a trusted few.

After mom's death I tried once to explain how I felt to dad,  about how infertility and grief is linked, and my experiences with the process of loss. He pretty much shut me down immediately, in no way can I compare the loss of children I have never known to his life with mom. So I guess he is right I can't know the depth of his love for her and sadly he cannot know the depth of my grief for my un-conceived children.

His pain is so real and raw and my pain is a re-healing wound.  I have felt this pain before, I know I can live with it, and because God is faithful, I know I will still have joy. If it bleeds I will let it, but at this point I'm not picking at the scab.

Voices In My Head

I contemplated my homeschooling choices for my kids this year.  it was like I could hear my mom (All day)  saying to me; "You have the best educator right here in your father but you never ask him for advice." She has actually said this to me in the past.  In the spring I sent my dad an email and he did give me advice.  Today I sought it again, but I didn't pick my moment well. Ah well the risks we take... at least it has silenced the "mom" voice in my head because I sought his advice.

It's good to know he believes in me, and thinks I can teach art without a box of curriculum supporting me. I know my strengths and weaknesses. The thought of building a program of art for Sweet Potato daunts me. Not to mention would suck up a huge quantity of time I'd rather be playing candy crush... oh did I just write that.. well maybe Sudoko.  It is so true but feels sad to say that, I need boundaries placed upon me to be creative. The thought of having to start from scratch to create and teach art at a high school level with a "the sky is the limit" boundary is freakishly scary to me. 

When I quilt I use a pattern, yes I have made patterns up but it was to please an individual. For example one person told me the loved rubber duckies. That limited my colors, rubber duckies are bright yellow.  That boundary got the creative juices flowing. Bathtub, blue water, bubbles, and it all came together in my head. Three months later it came together in fabric. I can think of time and time again where boundaries cause more creativity than the lack of them. 

My dad keeps correcting my grammar me and I, can and may...  still get me confuszled. Then he follows it with Mrs. S... was a bad teacher she was more concerned with spelling than good grammar.  Funny she was the one who used to say "The sky is the limit."  I like the the fact we can reach for the sky but I think for some people like Sweet potato and me total freedom of choice makes it impossible to choose.  

So I chatted with my sister and bounced ideas off of her and came up with a plan for homeschooling my high schooler with special needs... that plan may change 15 times before I order the stuff. I at least have my scaffolding to place it on. 

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

Dad drove past the cemetery, he was talking and telling me "That cemetery is the other one." I looked over at him askance. I have no idea where we are; driving around in the beautiful hills of upstate New York, to go find a tiny cemetery that a family friend owns. He took me there before, it is a beautiful location up on a hill over looking a verdant valley. But thats how the entire drive has looked so... Five minutes later he's is turning around saying "What am I doing here?" As we travel back we both muse on how little sleep we are getting. Altho this morning I overslept horribly. I also got 8 hours of sleep but I have felt muzzy headed all morning.   Sipping my mug of Dragon Well green tea, a favorite of my Dads. It's a delightful green aroma, tangy with a small acrid bitter finish. Time seems to be turning in slow motion. We pull in to the cemetery and no one is here... but as soon as we park, the white truck on the neighboring farm starts up and comes over.

Dad and I walk over to the plots, they are marked out in lime and with sticks, apparently headstones take months to carve, oh look the movies get it wrong... Such a small hole. Dad takes the box of mom's cremains and holds it out. It's so small. It can't be more than a 7 inch cube, it's heavy.  He asks his friend (A person I regard as a sister from another mother.) "What we do now?" She says that it is up to us... Apparently Catholics usually all go away at this point, they have a service in a church. We have already had the service and it's just dad and me on top of this hill. With the family that owns this tiny cemetery.

Meanwhile I'm fascinated by how small the hole is. There is at least 15 ants and 3 beetles down there. Life in the cemetery, it strikes me how much life is here. The wild flowers they let grow dot the expanse of the graveyard. They dance in the slight breeze to a tune the winds sets for them. It's so lovely and quiet.

Such a small cemetery, such a small hole, such a small box, this cannot express the greatness of my mother. She is not in that little box, who we are is secure in Christ. My mom is only represented by this small box of ashes, this is all that is left of her physical body, but she is not here, She is in heaven.

Dad interrupts my musing and says "Well shall I put her in?" So he does lovingly with such gentleness that just shows the great love their marriage held. He took one last photo. He won't let me have a copy, it's ok. I'm a visual person and the image of that tiny box, in the tiny hole that cannot contain the love they had is what struck me so powerfully this morning. Dad speaks of reading in his bible the passage today about how God spoke to Adam and said from the earth you came and so shall we one day return to the earth.  Genesis 3:19 By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground, because out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you will return.

One awkward moment later he says "So where is the dirt? What happens now?" I love how human it all is. They bring over a wheelbarrow full of earth and said "Well you're in charge. Do you want to fill in the hole or?..." leaving the sentence hanging in the air. Dad takes the shovel and puts in the first shovel full of earth, unable to contain them tears spring into his eyes. He then hands me the shovel,  tears bittersweet overflow my eyes. I go to scoop up the dirt and find so many rocks. I avoid them and pour a scoop of sweet earth over what remains of my mom.  The young man takes back his shovel, and deftly, carefully fills in the rest of the hole. Placing the sod back on top. Some of it is missing... so perfect! My mind delights, what a true refection of how imperfect our life is, even in death. I walk away and find 3 wild flowers I pick them and take them back to the bare spot and place them on it. My Dads friend also goes to her moms grave nearby and plucks some blossoms and adds them to mine. So sweet a moment and yet so painful.

We hug
We cry
We say goodbye

Triggers

I find it odd the things that ambush me at this time of the loss. Walking in the back yard and expecting to see mom on the swing. Thinking of a funny story that I want to tell her, but she is not here to tell. I could go all day long and be fine and then someone pours out sympathy for my loss and the tears start to flow. 

Yesterday while my dad was paying bills he came across the Easy Pass bill. It had all the comings and goings as marked by the toll booths. Two AM trips to the hospital. Returning home at 11pm at night. Weeks of traveling everyday. It was like he was reliving each of those moments. 

We ran into the Hospice chaplain at the farmers market today.  He said something that was actually comforting.  All the sadness, grief, and the loss; it is just an expression of the depth of the love they had for each other.  I really see this as true. The loss it cuts so deep, because they were so deeply in love. Their lives beautiful intertwined in a graceful dance of love and God and family. 

I'm still in utter awe that God has given me this privilege to be here just where I can be of help.  To be present, that theme that runs throughout my parenting. Presence instead of a present, time spent is so much more important than the things we give. 

Changes

Well its been ages since I have blogged.
Let me tell you some of the things I have learned since my last post.
You can fly really cheaply on holidays, and the plane will be full of children.
Starbuck's may not show up in google maps but they are actually only a mile away.
There is more than one kind of stroke, Ischemic, Hemorrhagic and Transient.
Lung Cancer is on the rise 150% in women!
Lung Cancer is insidious and can hide behind other symptom sets.
You really should test your house for radon if only for the peace of mind factor.
Brain radiation treatments can manifest the same symptom set as strokes.
Our brains are amazing; the name for a thing, and what it does is not stored in the same place in our brain.
One person can, lift, roll, change the sheets on a bed where a sick person is without that person getting out of bed.
How to inject insulin with a needle, wow that was so not hard, why did I think that was hard?
Hospice is full of amazing people who really care you can  Donate Here...
Doctors don't die like the rest of us... How Doctors Die
It sucks when your mom dies.
Social Security makes you pay them back if you die in a month they have paid you for.
Even a cremation burial is terribly expensive.
You only need 1 plot for 2 people if both are planning to be cremated.
A funeral is like planning a wedding in a week. It can be done well, but you pay for each and every service they offer, for example; moving flowers from one location to another costs 125$
People have lots of stuff and it all needs to be gone through when someone dies, this is hard.
I discovered my mom had a love affair with "Life Is Good T-shirts." Yes I took them all!
I have a fantastic set of friends relatives and co-workers. Thank you Taun and Gen for coming to moms service, for all the cards and notes and emails from my friends and family.
My sister is a fantastic speaker and can bring a room full of people from laughter to joy, and sorrow in under 5 minutes.
My brother is amazing and servant hearted
My kids can step up and do hard things.
I love my Dad more than ever.
Laundry and cooking is an ever present companion.

Grief and Loss

As the days pass and more and more people are choosing to leave campus.

I am reminded of a story I read in a Mercedes Lacky book.  It differs from our situation because the in the story the officers are all killed off, and all that is left is sergeants that would never be promoted.  In the story one Scout team leader realizes that the situation is untenable. She stands and rips off her company badge, she has the right to do so because she is on the sick list.  Yet she still lives in fear and runs away as fast as she can from the company to protect herself.  Long story short, her compatriots also rip off their badges leaving the leader with no followers.

Some days I feel like we are living this story out. Many times I find myself marveling at the things I never knew were going on. How I felt like I had to always keep my head down and be "good" to protect my spouse's career. What I wore, what the kids wore, how long are those shorts?? "No you can't wear that to prayer meeting!"  These were all part of the equation of being "good staff" "reaching the lost at any cost."  My mind boggles.

I see myself willing to make sacrifices for the good of my family as we house hunt...  the kind of sacrifices used to only be made for the work, the field.  GFA is run as a family. Since our announcement that we are leaving, things changed drastically. The dichotomy of we are a family and a ministry was do-able for us for 12 years. At this point my mind can't wrap it's self around it anymore. It's almost as if our life here is fracturing because ministry and family is so intertwined, to leave one means the loss also of the other. This exclusivity is almost as if we are in one corporation and just got a job with the competion and we are now a corporate spy. *sigh* It's easier to stay home from prayer meeting than watch people keeping me under surveillance. I wonder if they realize how obvious they are?? Hey for the record I see your sitting behind me every prayer meeting, which is why I stopped coming I don't want my friends getting in trouble because they are seen with me. *eye roll*

I noticed leadership has always used the language "So and So is Leaving Us"  not "Moving on", "Not found a new job, let us rejoice with them," but the tone is always one of sadness, as if "they" are divorcing "us,"  From now on all interaction will be awkward and stilted.  I know this stems from the old belief system of "If you are called to GFA you are called for life."  I do recall the oddness of turning inward, turning away from those I used to know, the grief and sadness.  Previous staffers are so hurt I have seen them cross over to the other side of the street, ignoring my waves of greeting.  I was also one who ignored people, stopped calling, and etc. My reasons were varied. In the beginning I felt like I should. If we were friends because of GFA and you left, I had to drop you. I had bought into the line of thinking "They had become worldly" and "They will draw me away from the work."   I had a view that ALL my time belonged to GFA, sadly not "ALL my time belongs to GOD!"

So as I think and look back at our life here for the past few years, I am beginning to realize there is a question I haven't been asking.  It's not: Does GFA practice shunning?  But rather why is the relationship so broken? Why does it feel like a divorce of irreconcilable differences?  How can an organization that warns their staff of the statistic "On average most missionaries do not make it past the 2 year mark, due to personality conflicts." end up in this place?  So much hurt so much pain?

I have no answers,  I do see GFA as an organization that bends over backward to help you  (The staff and leadership do help people in amazing ways. When we have been in need they have always come through.)  Now that I have become a "distraction" well it's gotten weird.

To Everything There Is A Season

It is with joy and sadness that I write this blog.
  
My Knight In Shining Armor and I have for over a year felt the tug of the Lord on our hearts. He has been asking us if we were ready to move on. We have been willing and waiting on His answer as to the timing.  We feel now is the right time.
  It’s hard to say how thankful we are to each one of you who supported us in prayer, friendship and financially over these 12 years. How can we express that in words, but we are so thankful for each one of you. It would not have been possible to do this without your kindness, and love.
It will be hard to leave GFA, and all our friends here.  Yet we are excited to see what adventures The Lord has for our future. Stepping out in faith is never easy, and we take this step with much prayer behind it.


My Knight in Shining Armor has been offered a position with Hope for the Heart. You can find out more at www.hopefortheheart.org.  This is a paid position and we will no longer need to fund raise.  If you choose to, you can continue to give for up to 3 months after June, 2015. Our staff account will still be active and any giving will be applied toward our severance. 

It has been a long journey with GFA, I think back to the brutal winter of 2003 in Upstate NY, we were packing up the truck in winter coats in May!  Sweet Potato was only 3 years old! Now 12 years  later she turns 16 this June.  How our time here has flown, so many changes to the ministry.  I recall praying for what to do about street children that first year here and now we have Bridge of Hope Centers. We now dig wells, supply villages with Bio Sand Water filters, teach women to read, and to sew. We now give gifts of animals and sewing machines. So much has been added to our ministry to reach those who need Christ. I look back and smile. 

 We are currently looking for a house closer to the DFW area; please pray for us in the transition time. As our campus housing is up in early July and we won't be able to even think of closing on a house until August.  So, it's pack-up, store our stuff and live an adventure for the next few months.

Here is a walk down memory lane in photos... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

READY FOR ADVENTURE!

Rules or Trust

When my mom and dad were first married they lived far away from the extended family. They had a loving relationship where they relied on each other because no else was around. Eventually they moved back East and started interacting with the extended family again.  My dad after being with his brothers for a day started to behave in the same manner... "Yo babe get me a beer." My grandfather was known to just click his wedding ring against his empty beer can to alert grandma it was time to serve him again.  

My mom politely got dad a beer the first time but after a while she just raised an eyebrow at Papa.  Some readers are freaking out already OH MY GIRAFFE your family drinks? Others are freaking out because we are SUPPOSED to serve our husbands, How dare she just not serve him.  

Mom was unwilling to let their relationship become fractured by imitated bad behavior. They had a "discussion" afterward where they worked out this kink in their relationship.  I always witnessed my father loving my mother. Even if he had to make a unilateral decision that was unpopular she was always willing to follow because her leader LOVED her. Every night my Father prayed with and read to her, either the bible or a book by Watchman Nee. (I can see my dad was doing that whole washing her in the word bit that is one of the commands  Ephesians 5: that comes after wives submit).  I'd be curious to know how many men that are adamant about the wife submitting, are reading the bible to their wives daily? 

Ever notice how in Ephesians 5 the man is commanded to love his wife... 3 times... Tho this is not a "command" the wife is told to do... instead "respect your husbands" seems to to be the hot button for the ladies. Each of these things show me Paul understood the deep needs of men and women in relationships. 

I witnessed day in and day out a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and love. Did they always get along? No... who does? Yet I had this wonderful yardstick to measure my marriage by.  My parents have been married for over 50 years and they are still going strong.  

I have to admit the whole stress on submission here at GFA really helped my husband step up and take the reigns back from me, which was a relief.  Early on I had decided I didn't like the fact that no one was holding the reigns and the horses were just carrying us where ever they felt like taking us. I wanted a more directed life. I kept trying to hand the reigns back to the head of the house but he didn't always want them.  Yet at one point in our career at Gospel for Asia My knight and I hit a road block. It seemed that every time we would be getting ready to go out he would be giving me talking points. Not what to say but rather what not to say and asking me to change my carefully chosen outfit to one he preferred. He condemned my parenting style. He was so wrapped up in how we looked to others. 

It created so much undue stress in our marriage. At one point he started to resort to rules of what I could and could not; do, say, wear.   This behavior on his part led me down a road of suffering, (Is this what suffering for the kingdom is supposed to look like?) I was hurt. I knew what a great marriage looked like, we had one, but ours was loosing that flavor of mutual trust and respect with love holding it together.  It seemed the more I submitted, the more he expected me to be his floor mat.  Well folks I'm not a floor mat, I don't like confrontation, but I will do it. So a few years into the whole "Yes sir, how high? life"  I calmly pointed out to him somewhere along the line he had stopped trusting me. When he failed to hear what I was saying I pointed it out a bit more forcefully.  

I can still remember the day I stood there yelling my head off, tears streaming down my cheeks saying "When you tell me what to say, it means you do not trust me.  Why don't you trust me! You used to trust me!"  This from his "meek" "mild" wife... A look of shock and surprise engulfed his face, I could see his spirit had been checked. Gradually over time with our focus on Christs' choices for our life we got back on track. I stopped checking with him for every decision, he stopped telling me what I said right and what I said wrong at social events. In-fact now we act as each others interpreter "What s/he meant to say is this..."  

My husband shares so much of his life and inner thoughts and feeling with me now, and it is mutual. Trust flows, respect grows and love abounds. He's a keeper.  

Should I have submitted to all his rules and more rules and more rules? Would that have stopped the cycle? Can a woman continually submitting and yet being told to submit more, weighed down by rules have joy? Don't get me wrong; handing over the reigns of authority was so freeing.  Yet we lost our way for a while and it hurt our marriage.  GFA has been accused of taking Spiritual Authority to an extreme,  the whole Hyper headship/ Hyper submission.  Do I blame GFA for it's teachings on submission to authority for these issues in our marriage? To some extent I do, I also blame ourselves for being willing to follow blindly... it was a form of idolatry, I thought "these are spiritual giants! Missionaries with a vision from God to reach the lost at any cost!"  I'm not sure I can follow that core value anymore. It's cute, catchy and, it rhymes but what is the true meaning?  I have seen families fall apart because we are reaching the lost at any cost. What is that cost? Divorce in some cases, the cost of trauma to the children in those marriages.  I really had to ask myself "Is this what God desires?" 

I'm not a spiritual giant, and in-fact no one on earth is a spiritual giant. We are all humans that sin.  I do not desire my husband to be an Adoniram Judson, willing to bury 3 wives. When I read that story out loud to my husband one road trip, part of me was horrified, It appeared these woman were expendable, the man in the story praised to the hilt for his willingness to do anything, even watch his wives and children die one after another. It felt so Machiavellian. It made me question is that what God desires for me, to be cast away, if I get in the way? I know these ladies went willingly I guess I'm just not there in my journey. 

I do serve my husband and you know what?  He also serves me. He can tell me to turn the volume down on my attitude and I can do the same to him. We are in harmony* not in unison. We are singing this marriage song together in the voices God gave us. I'm not singing exactly like him, or in the exact way he tells me to. Instead we sing in harmony blending our gifts, our strengths and weaknesses to have a solid marriage that will withstand the storms of ministry and time. 

*thanks Pastor Ray Viola for this image! 

Praying For Leadership

About two years ago one of my very best friends said to me "I feel the need to pray for leadership." Since we were working on building the campus, and I knew soon, things were going to be in flux, I completely agreed, this would be a good idea.

Now we needed to make a plan; how were we going pray without getting caught? We discussed options and decided to be irregular, to move locations, and to not frequent popular GFA coffee stops. At the time it began to bother me. I felt God was calling us to pray, but I also knew if we did it openly we could be reprimanded.  Yes you did just read that.  So on irregular Thursdays occasional Wednesdays hidden in my schedule as "something else" we joined together in prayer, not the same bat channel, not the same bat time, for an hour we prayed for leadership and anything else God placed on our hearts.

Do you find this odd?  Are you asking yourself why did we feel the necessity to hide our actions?

Morgefile.com free stock photos

Well my first year here at GFA was exciting and I was invited at lunch to pray and fast on Thursdays with some other like minded ladies.  I was used to fasting on Thursdays so I agreed, with anticipation in my heart. I looked forward to praying for the lost world and the needs of the ministry. It was a joy to sacrifice my meal and my free time to pray for the lost. But it didn't last...

Leadership came to us, they had seen us (a group of ladies) meeting together in the office  oh the horrors... behind closed doors.  Long story short we were told it wasn't permitted. I wasn't given a real reason just "it's not allowed, it's not sanctioned." Bemused/shocked/disappointed we stopped.

Now today after all the staff meetings that have been called in the name of transparency, if I were to ask why? I am sure I would be told they didn't want cliques to form.

I feel that answer is pathetic. Cliques are going to form in any organization... To my eyes the most exclusive clique is the one at the top; talk about the kettle calling the pot black.  Funny at the same time in our staff training group we were informed that being in the same class would bind us together to make exceptionally strong friendships. This is very true being in a class together, sharing a trip to India these things will create a group with strong ties to one another... sound like a clique to you? Yeah I thought so too. So to me the attitude of being allowed to be tight with your "besties" on one hand but not being allowed to pray together on the other because of cliques, sends a disingenuous message.

Wouldn't it be better to just allow people to pray? If you were stressed give us a list of things to pray for that will keep us busy. If you thought were were going to get prideful or cliquey tell us that! Ask us to evaluate our hearts on a regular basis, It smacked to me of oddness, and of a lack of trust that the Lord would not guide us. Now getting some distance 12 years later I see the disingenuousness of it all, with 20/20 vision. I see a long standing set of parameters that are based on control not trust.

I do feel leadership has been hurt? of course all people made mistakes. Instead of responding, GFA has reacted. Over an over again they have used one method. Grace is talked of but, when you screw up (or one person, one child messed up), rules are put in place for all members. It is like we are children and they are our parent.

It's fascinating to me I feel GFA has been for years in it's adolescence as a ministry.  As a parent I have to remember my children are arrows from the Lord. At some point we need to take them out, fit them to the bow, draw it back and let them fly. If you don't, you end up with adult children living in the basement watching TV, playing video games and eating all the salami you bought for yourself.

GFA is at a cross roads I truly feel if Rules are truly replaced by Grace, If transparency overcomes the  secretive attitude, if trust not control is lauded; GFA can go on to become an amazing power house for the field. I also think if the staff continues to feel un-empowered,  GFA as a ministry will never grow up, it will stay an adolescent forever never fully growing into all the Lord has for it.

Uh.. what did you say?

We have had a few meetings here at GFA to promote transparency between leadership and the staff. Last week a student stood up and talked about how she felt uncomfortable about carrying money into India during her student trip.  My jaw dropped I was floored what the what... Leadership continued on to say how it was "fine" receipts were given and all logged in according to the rules.  But the student was concerned "What if I had lost it, or it got stolen?"  Leadership then said well we would have had to declare it as lost or stolen.  They went on to say "We have discontinued the practice."

Here I sit, my heart in my throat, my mind blown to smithereens. This is not right screams the emotion of integrity in my heart. What about the appearance of evil clause we had to sign.  My mind my thoughts are going boing, boing, boing.   What has happened to my precious ministry...

My freak out arises from the fact students were carrying money by hand.  I always stress out when I pass though customs. If I was carrying a sealed envelope of money for anyone, as an adult I'd be freaking out or having a panic attack.  I think this is due to the scrutiny we have been through when we go through customs as new adoptive parents. It is not easy and always gives me the heebie jeebies. I barely rescued Sweet Potatoes stuffed pig with the rattle in it from customs.  Take note don't take stuffed animals with things inside them through Indian customs. 

My pride of place is devastated I have always been so proud, so pleased, to work here. A place with a high level of integrity.  The 100% goes to the field really drew me here. I used to hate it when high levels of funding went to an organizations administration.  Well 12 years later I see the balancing act of costs to run the organization and cost to serve and I understand it better. 100% to the field is so difficult when you have people that need to feed their family, pay medical bills and etc.

Raising our own support over the years has been difficult. If we had a different policy and allowed a percentage of money coming in to go to the staff what a difference it would make. In reality when we do not have 100% in our account the general fund kicks in the difference. Which is great oh look a percentage of the money coming in does go to help staff yet that isn't the message K.P. preaches from the pulpit. For years it has been like a loose tooth something I prodded at wondered at and explained away thinking we were one of just a few families not at 100%.  Imagine my surprise when I accidentally got someone else's support sheet to discover they were 90% supported by the ministry.  I discreetly put it in the proper box and continued to wonder.

Over the years there has been pressure to be at 100%. In Colorado a guy from another ministry discussed with us an idea he had for full time staff fund raisers. He proved to me the man hours saved alone would be astounding.  On average my husband spends over 120 work hours a year on fund raising.  That's a lot of time it's 5% of his working hours.  This is not including all the Sunday services and Saturday meetings he scheduled, or the additional vacation we would take to fit in an extra weekend so we could stump at more churches.   Just running some numbers in my head 80 families at 120 a year = 9600 work hours that is over 4 people here working on fundraising full time. The guy's point was; If ministries hired 2 people full time to just raise staff support they could do it more effectively and efficiently. Families could still "Friend Raise" but when they hit the plateau and no more financing is forth coming the "staff support" would come in to play and assist.  But I digress...

I'm so concerned this just looks wrong it feels wrong, it may be illegal????  but is it right... the bible verse 1st Corinthians 10:23 "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. " keeps running around my brain. 

The Not Really a Vacation; Vacation

I love to say to my kids "When we are on a family vacation, Mom and Dad don't stop being Mom, or Dad."  Were still doing our jobs, not to mention that anytime we go on vacation, disaster strikes somewhere in the world and My Knight in Shining Armor's phone is glued to his hand the entire time.  I never sleep well, and I sleep less well on vacation... unless I have my own room and can't hear my daughter, creating huge long term dental bills er um I mean grinding her teeth all night. I wonder how does her sister sleep with that?  It must be the reason when she is asleep, it's like trying to wake the dead.  

I'm so grateful for family and church family that houses us when we are out and about, but really nothing beats a hotel room alone... with the kids parked at Grandmas' (thanks Grandma!) for pure blissful sleep.  I wonder why? Is it just the lack of children needing me every moment, or rather every moment I want to spend privately?  Funny how that works isn't it. I'll be puttering in the kitchen for an hour and decide the houses quiet, I'll go hide in my room to rest.  Not five minutes later one child is knocking on the door "Mom can I?" and 3 minutes later  the other child is asking "Mom are you in there I need X Y and Z."

I know this is only a season in our lives. Some day soon I will not be dragging 2 kids though airports keeping track of iPods and luggage with one eye while seeking a bathroom with the other.  I love being able to free my spouse from the job of parenting while he finds a plug that works, and spends the 40 minutes before boarding running his department from afar.

And altho we took vacation days for this trip it is as much work as it is fun. I loved going to our sending church on Sunday but I also found as much heart ache as I did pleasure. I think that is one reason we have always loved it there so much, the people are so real.

No matter where we go or what we do people are people. As I was looking down over this great land of USA from my porthole in the sky. I kept thinking how much everything is really the same; farm lands, small towns, cities, rivers, plaines, mountains, great lakes, small lakes, tiny tanks to water cattle. If you cut us we all bleed red. We all have hurts, sorrows, joys, happiness, secret idols, secret sins, people we are honest with, people we hide from, people we love so deeply their loss makes us cry. We are humanity and God sees it all. He rejoices over our love, he shares in our suffering, he knows us better than we know ourselves.

Idols in our life

My pastor... well our sending pastor not our current pastor... spoke Sunday about idols in our life. How sometimes protestants condemn other religions for bowing down to idols. He was speaking on 1 Corinthians 1: 1-17 he focused on the part where Paul is begging for those in division to be in unity.  They were all broken into factions by who had baptized them. Isn't this typical of humanity, we boast of our accomplishments, name drop, and try to lift ourselves above others. We all do it to some degree, we have that desire to lift ourselves up and be just a wee bit better than the other guy.

Then it hit me I totally qualified as the person he was talking about. I sat there stunned, as the Lord convicted me. Being at GFA where we are encouraged to think of ourselves as one in a million, special, called by God, this mantra of words keeps telling me I was "SOMEBODY". When had this crept into my heart? I sat there repenting.  Images of K.P. telling us we were special, to be in America but be better than those poor weak minded christians in American churches.  For years I had held myself a wee bit higher than those that "just go to church." GFA never seemed to work with any other organization, I always assumed it was because we give "100% to the field." This mentality of "we are better than them" was there rooted in my heart... when had that happened? Oh my!

Hurtful comments from last summer came flooding into my mind. I realized I had been so stressed over that time.  I was allowing a man to hold Gods' place on Gods' throne. God gave me an image of a small man holding a scepter with his arms crossed, frowning, sitting on Gods Holy Throne... he was tiny, it was as if someone put an action figure on a really large chair.  I felt so sad.

Afterwards I processed this in a journal because I wasn't home or connected to the internet.
I wrote down that:
I had sought to please man over God.
I feared man over God.
I cared more for safety and security than God.
I had in-fact become complacent.

God was asking me again will you follow me and only me? My answer is Yes! I put my future in his hands once more. He is my sole guide.

Trust but Verifiy

I was looking back at some old posts seems people read my blog even from years ago... I was being bad and looking at my stats. A old post was suddenly very popular, which got me reading my blog. Ha ha ha this really is my online journal you're just reading my musings. 

I was looking at a post from 2 years ago where I was starting the process of Sweet Potato's medications becoming her responsibility.  I made a side note that it would probably take 3-4 years to get her to a place of being responsible. The process hasn't stopped I'm still working on this area in her life. She takes quiet bit of medication, and much of it makes her feel uncomfortable.  The salt water she breaths in really helps her cough deeply.. but who wants to cough deeply for 20 mins a day, twice a day?  Ow!

I'm seeing that I really did set a reasonable expectation in my blog post and it was a good reminder to read it today.  My expectation was 3-4 years before I would be able to be at the "trust but verify" stage of watching over her medications. We still have months where I go to switch out her inhaler and its got a few to many doses left. (Yes bad mommie! no doughnut for me!)  But 2 years into it I am seeing her ask for her medication, going and getting it out of the closet where it is kept on her own. I'm even finding her cleaning up all the plastic vials every once in a while. Tidying her area without being asked. All good things.

In fact at this time there is no "FIX" for her disease. Only lots of hard work, being uncomfortable, taking medications, eating right, exercising and sadly not being able to do all the things you want to do.

Sometimes our children just take longer to process things, we as parents want to Fix it right now, make it better right away... kiss the boo boo and all is well... but our children have deep hurts, a kiss sure helps but it won't fix it.

TP for the Win

Today in the bathroom I got thinking about how wonderful my Knight In Shining Armor is.  He's a really good guy, but don't think I'm looking though my rose colored glasses. I got thinking along these lines because of toilet paper.   Yes I did just write that... toilet paper.  The right kind was on the roll how awesome is that... this is totally a 1st world problem but hey...  Growing up in the 70's has left certain commercials stuck in my brain. Specifically:  DON'T squeeze the Charmin!  and the Pharmacist crying over his; oh wait even after being manhandled by SAHM's it's still soft and fluffy Charmin. Really??? what were the advertisers thinking?  Wait it must be effective because 40 years later I still have the tag line running though my head.  Then again I can't stand Charmin so altho effective at making me remember the commercial, it also keeps me from buying it. :-)

Sometimes I feel like reenacting these commercials in the local grocery store.  Get a bunch of ladies together to go stand in the paper product aisle and pass a 6 pack of toilet paper back and forth hugging it like it's our BFF.

Hey look I finally made it. 

How often is the bathroom the place where irritations start in relationships? I know one man who got a divorce after 2 weeks, why... his now x-wife could not stand the way he brushed his teeth. Oh my! The mind boggles.

So as I tided up the bathroom today I kept noting the little things that irritate us so.
Diabetic supplies overflowing the tiny garbage bin on the counter, balled up dental floss that missed the trash, the toothpaste squeezed in the middle, the tweezers not put away, a sink full of hair clippings. Hair ties scattered like colorful rings across the counter.  (please note this is mix of what irritates us both) We all have these small irritations, no matter how harmonious a relationship looks, we are human and will always find things that rub us the wrong way.

But then what do I see, the right kind of toilet paper on the roll.  It made me smile and it made me think of when we bought it. I was so tired and my feet were hurting when we finally reached the grocery store after a round of Dr. appointments.  He said "Go sit in the Starbuck's (in the front of the store) and call your friend.  I'll get the stuff on the list." Gratefully I got a Decaf Americano doctored it up with cream and sugar and had coffee with a friend.  Now isn't he wonderful, but the story gets better! He travels across the entire store back to me to ask "Is this the right toilet paper?" Holding up the Charmin... Who hoo I get to choose and I can tell him to get any other kind but that one."  What a guy, willing to traverse the grocery store trailing two children in search of the perfect paper.

Will I still squeeze my toothpaste tube the way I like to and may he continue to squeeze it the way he likes to? Yup!  Will these things irritate us still? Yup (some days more than others.) Will I still love him like crazy because he's so awesome Yup :-)  That love of Christ, that overpouring of the Spirit within us that enables me to love myself and love others, is the reason I can.

Ewwww Ticks!

I hate the smell of off... yet I live in tick country so, I took some time to make some DYI "Bug Stuff." After doing some research I picked some options for a Essential Oil based Bug repellent (or discourager).   I noticed last year when I wore lemongrass the mosquitoes would occasionally bite me, unless anyone else was around, then they never went after me.

I took 5 drops of Geranium, 5 drops of Peppermint, 5 of Lavender, and 10 drops of Lemongrass and added it to 4 oz of coconut oil melted. I put it in this cute tub I have and it smells fantastic. I messed about with other flavors and blends but this is the one I liked the best. My Hubby liked Thyme added in but it didn't suit me.  The Geranium is supposed to discourage ticks, and the coconut oil is lovely for my skin.