Grief and Loss

As the days pass and more and more people are choosing to leave campus.

I am reminded of a story I read in a Mercedes Lacky book.  It differs from our situation because the in the story the officers are all killed off, and all that is left is sergeants that would never be promoted.  In the story one Scout team leader realizes that the situation is untenable. She stands and rips off her company badge, she has the right to do so because she is on the sick list.  Yet she still lives in fear and runs away as fast as she can from the company to protect herself.  Long story short, her compatriots also rip off their badges leaving the leader with no followers.

Some days I feel like we are living this story out. Many times I find myself marveling at the things I never knew were going on. How I felt like I had to always keep my head down and be "good" to protect my spouse's career. What I wore, what the kids wore, how long are those shorts?? "No you can't wear that to prayer meeting!"  These were all part of the equation of being "good staff" "reaching the lost at any cost."  My mind boggles.

I see myself willing to make sacrifices for the good of my family as we house hunt...  the kind of sacrifices used to only be made for the work, the field.  GFA is run as a family. Since our announcement that we are leaving, things changed drastically. The dichotomy of we are a family and a ministry was do-able for us for 12 years. At this point my mind can't wrap it's self around it anymore. It's almost as if our life here is fracturing because ministry and family is so intertwined, to leave one means the loss also of the other. This exclusivity is almost as if we are in one corporation and just got a job with the competion and we are now a corporate spy. *sigh* It's easier to stay home from prayer meeting than watch people keeping me under surveillance. I wonder if they realize how obvious they are?? Hey for the record I see your sitting behind me every prayer meeting, which is why I stopped coming I don't want my friends getting in trouble because they are seen with me. *eye roll*

I noticed leadership has always used the language "So and So is Leaving Us"  not "Moving on", "Not found a new job, let us rejoice with them," but the tone is always one of sadness, as if "they" are divorcing "us,"  From now on all interaction will be awkward and stilted.  I know this stems from the old belief system of "If you are called to GFA you are called for life."  I do recall the oddness of turning inward, turning away from those I used to know, the grief and sadness.  Previous staffers are so hurt I have seen them cross over to the other side of the street, ignoring my waves of greeting.  I was also one who ignored people, stopped calling, and etc. My reasons were varied. In the beginning I felt like I should. If we were friends because of GFA and you left, I had to drop you. I had bought into the line of thinking "They had become worldly" and "They will draw me away from the work."   I had a view that ALL my time belonged to GFA, sadly not "ALL my time belongs to GOD!"

So as I think and look back at our life here for the past few years, I am beginning to realize there is a question I haven't been asking.  It's not: Does GFA practice shunning?  But rather why is the relationship so broken? Why does it feel like a divorce of irreconcilable differences?  How can an organization that warns their staff of the statistic "On average most missionaries do not make it past the 2 year mark, due to personality conflicts." end up in this place?  So much hurt so much pain?

I have no answers,  I do see GFA as an organization that bends over backward to help you  (The staff and leadership do help people in amazing ways. When we have been in need they have always come through.)  Now that I have become a "distraction" well it's gotten weird.

To Everything There Is A Season

It is with joy and sadness that I write this blog.
  
My Knight In Shining Armor and I have for over a year felt the tug of the Lord on our hearts. He has been asking us if we were ready to move on. We have been willing and waiting on His answer as to the timing.  We feel now is the right time.
  It’s hard to say how thankful we are to each one of you who supported us in prayer, friendship and financially over these 12 years. How can we express that in words, but we are so thankful for each one of you. It would not have been possible to do this without your kindness, and love.
It will be hard to leave GFA, and all our friends here.  Yet we are excited to see what adventures The Lord has for our future. Stepping out in faith is never easy, and we take this step with much prayer behind it.


My Knight in Shining Armor has been offered a position with Hope for the Heart. You can find out more at www.hopefortheheart.org.  This is a paid position and we will no longer need to fund raise.  If you choose to, you can continue to give for up to 3 months after June, 2015. Our staff account will still be active and any giving will be applied toward our severance. 

It has been a long journey with GFA, I think back to the brutal winter of 2003 in Upstate NY, we were packing up the truck in winter coats in May!  Sweet Potato was only 3 years old! Now 12 years  later she turns 16 this June.  How our time here has flown, so many changes to the ministry.  I recall praying for what to do about street children that first year here and now we have Bridge of Hope Centers. We now dig wells, supply villages with Bio Sand Water filters, teach women to read, and to sew. We now give gifts of animals and sewing machines. So much has been added to our ministry to reach those who need Christ. I look back and smile. 

 We are currently looking for a house closer to the DFW area; please pray for us in the transition time. As our campus housing is up in early July and we won't be able to even think of closing on a house until August.  So, it's pack-up, store our stuff and live an adventure for the next few months.

Here is a walk down memory lane in photos... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

READY FOR ADVENTURE!

Rules or Trust

When my mom and dad were first married they lived far away from the extended family. They had a loving relationship where they relied on each other because no else was around. Eventually they moved back East and started interacting with the extended family again.  My dad after being with his brothers for a day started to behave in the same manner... "Yo babe get me a beer." My grandfather was known to just click his wedding ring against his empty beer can to alert grandma it was time to serve him again.  

My mom politely got dad a beer the first time but after a while she just raised an eyebrow at Papa.  Some readers are freaking out already OH MY GIRAFFE your family drinks? Others are freaking out because we are SUPPOSED to serve our husbands, How dare she just not serve him.  

Mom was unwilling to let their relationship become fractured by imitated bad behavior. They had a "discussion" afterward where they worked out this kink in their relationship.  I always witnessed my father loving my mother. Even if he had to make a unilateral decision that was unpopular she was always willing to follow because her leader LOVED her. Every night my Father prayed with and read to her, either the bible or a book by Watchman Nee. (I can see my dad was doing that whole washing her in the word bit that is one of the commands  Ephesians 5: that comes after wives submit).  I'd be curious to know how many men that are adamant about the wife submitting, are reading the bible to their wives daily? 

Ever notice how in Ephesians 5 the man is commanded to love his wife... 3 times... Tho this is not a "command" the wife is told to do... instead "respect your husbands" seems to to be the hot button for the ladies. Each of these things show me Paul understood the deep needs of men and women in relationships. 

I witnessed day in and day out a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and love. Did they always get along? No... who does? Yet I had this wonderful yardstick to measure my marriage by.  My parents have been married for over 50 years and they are still going strong.  

I have to admit the whole stress on submission here at GFA really helped my husband step up and take the reigns back from me, which was a relief.  Early on I had decided I didn't like the fact that no one was holding the reigns and the horses were just carrying us where ever they felt like taking us. I wanted a more directed life. I kept trying to hand the reigns back to the head of the house but he didn't always want them.  Yet at one point in our career at Gospel for Asia My knight and I hit a road block. It seemed that every time we would be getting ready to go out he would be giving me talking points. Not what to say but rather what not to say and asking me to change my carefully chosen outfit to one he preferred. He condemned my parenting style. He was so wrapped up in how we looked to others. 

It created so much undue stress in our marriage. At one point he started to resort to rules of what I could and could not; do, say, wear.   This behavior on his part led me down a road of suffering, (Is this what suffering for the kingdom is supposed to look like?) I was hurt. I knew what a great marriage looked like, we had one, but ours was loosing that flavor of mutual trust and respect with love holding it together.  It seemed the more I submitted, the more he expected me to be his floor mat.  Well folks I'm not a floor mat, I don't like confrontation, but I will do it. So a few years into the whole "Yes sir, how high? life"  I calmly pointed out to him somewhere along the line he had stopped trusting me. When he failed to hear what I was saying I pointed it out a bit more forcefully.  

I can still remember the day I stood there yelling my head off, tears streaming down my cheeks saying "When you tell me what to say, it means you do not trust me.  Why don't you trust me! You used to trust me!"  This from his "meek" "mild" wife... A look of shock and surprise engulfed his face, I could see his spirit had been checked. Gradually over time with our focus on Christs' choices for our life we got back on track. I stopped checking with him for every decision, he stopped telling me what I said right and what I said wrong at social events. In-fact now we act as each others interpreter "What s/he meant to say is this..."  

My husband shares so much of his life and inner thoughts and feeling with me now, and it is mutual. Trust flows, respect grows and love abounds. He's a keeper.  

Should I have submitted to all his rules and more rules and more rules? Would that have stopped the cycle? Can a woman continually submitting and yet being told to submit more, weighed down by rules have joy? Don't get me wrong; handing over the reigns of authority was so freeing.  Yet we lost our way for a while and it hurt our marriage.  GFA has been accused of taking Spiritual Authority to an extreme,  the whole Hyper headship/ Hyper submission.  Do I blame GFA for it's teachings on submission to authority for these issues in our marriage? To some extent I do, I also blame ourselves for being willing to follow blindly... it was a form of idolatry, I thought "these are spiritual giants! Missionaries with a vision from God to reach the lost at any cost!"  I'm not sure I can follow that core value anymore. It's cute, catchy and, it rhymes but what is the true meaning?  I have seen families fall apart because we are reaching the lost at any cost. What is that cost? Divorce in some cases, the cost of trauma to the children in those marriages.  I really had to ask myself "Is this what God desires?" 

I'm not a spiritual giant, and in-fact no one on earth is a spiritual giant. We are all humans that sin.  I do not desire my husband to be an Adoniram Judson, willing to bury 3 wives. When I read that story out loud to my husband one road trip, part of me was horrified, It appeared these woman were expendable, the man in the story praised to the hilt for his willingness to do anything, even watch his wives and children die one after another. It felt so Machiavellian. It made me question is that what God desires for me, to be cast away, if I get in the way? I know these ladies went willingly I guess I'm just not there in my journey. 

I do serve my husband and you know what?  He also serves me. He can tell me to turn the volume down on my attitude and I can do the same to him. We are in harmony* not in unison. We are singing this marriage song together in the voices God gave us. I'm not singing exactly like him, or in the exact way he tells me to. Instead we sing in harmony blending our gifts, our strengths and weaknesses to have a solid marriage that will withstand the storms of ministry and time. 

*thanks Pastor Ray Viola for this image! 

Praying For Leadership

About two years ago one of my very best friends said to me "I feel the need to pray for leadership." Since we were working on building the campus, and I knew soon, things were going to be in flux, I completely agreed, this would be a good idea.

Now we needed to make a plan; how were we going pray without getting caught? We discussed options and decided to be irregular, to move locations, and to not frequent popular GFA coffee stops. At the time it began to bother me. I felt God was calling us to pray, but I also knew if we did it openly we could be reprimanded.  Yes you did just read that.  So on irregular Thursdays occasional Wednesdays hidden in my schedule as "something else" we joined together in prayer, not the same bat channel, not the same bat time, for an hour we prayed for leadership and anything else God placed on our hearts.

Do you find this odd?  Are you asking yourself why did we feel the necessity to hide our actions?

Morgefile.com free stock photos

Well my first year here at GFA was exciting and I was invited at lunch to pray and fast on Thursdays with some other like minded ladies.  I was used to fasting on Thursdays so I agreed, with anticipation in my heart. I looked forward to praying for the lost world and the needs of the ministry. It was a joy to sacrifice my meal and my free time to pray for the lost. But it didn't last...

Leadership came to us, they had seen us (a group of ladies) meeting together in the office  oh the horrors... behind closed doors.  Long story short we were told it wasn't permitted. I wasn't given a real reason just "it's not allowed, it's not sanctioned." Bemused/shocked/disappointed we stopped.

Now today after all the staff meetings that have been called in the name of transparency, if I were to ask why? I am sure I would be told they didn't want cliques to form.

I feel that answer is pathetic. Cliques are going to form in any organization... To my eyes the most exclusive clique is the one at the top; talk about the kettle calling the pot black.  Funny at the same time in our staff training group we were informed that being in the same class would bind us together to make exceptionally strong friendships. This is very true being in a class together, sharing a trip to India these things will create a group with strong ties to one another... sound like a clique to you? Yeah I thought so too. So to me the attitude of being allowed to be tight with your "besties" on one hand but not being allowed to pray together on the other because of cliques, sends a disingenuous message.

Wouldn't it be better to just allow people to pray? If you were stressed give us a list of things to pray for that will keep us busy. If you thought were were going to get prideful or cliquey tell us that! Ask us to evaluate our hearts on a regular basis, It smacked to me of oddness, and of a lack of trust that the Lord would not guide us. Now getting some distance 12 years later I see the disingenuousness of it all, with 20/20 vision. I see a long standing set of parameters that are based on control not trust.

I do feel leadership has been hurt? of course all people made mistakes. Instead of responding, GFA has reacted. Over an over again they have used one method. Grace is talked of but, when you screw up (or one person, one child messed up), rules are put in place for all members. It is like we are children and they are our parent.

It's fascinating to me I feel GFA has been for years in it's adolescence as a ministry.  As a parent I have to remember my children are arrows from the Lord. At some point we need to take them out, fit them to the bow, draw it back and let them fly. If you don't, you end up with adult children living in the basement watching TV, playing video games and eating all the salami you bought for yourself.

GFA is at a cross roads I truly feel if Rules are truly replaced by Grace, If transparency overcomes the  secretive attitude, if trust not control is lauded; GFA can go on to become an amazing power house for the field. I also think if the staff continues to feel un-empowered,  GFA as a ministry will never grow up, it will stay an adolescent forever never fully growing into all the Lord has for it.

Uh.. what did you say?

We have had a few meetings here at GFA to promote transparency between leadership and the staff. Last week a student stood up and talked about how she felt uncomfortable about carrying money into India during her student trip.  My jaw dropped I was floored what the what... Leadership continued on to say how it was "fine" receipts were given and all logged in according to the rules.  But the student was concerned "What if I had lost it, or it got stolen?"  Leadership then said well we would have had to declare it as lost or stolen.  They went on to say "We have discontinued the practice."

Here I sit, my heart in my throat, my mind blown to smithereens. This is not right screams the emotion of integrity in my heart. What about the appearance of evil clause we had to sign.  My mind my thoughts are going boing, boing, boing.   What has happened to my precious ministry...

My freak out arises from the fact students were carrying money by hand.  I always stress out when I pass though customs. If I was carrying a sealed envelope of money for anyone, as an adult I'd be freaking out or having a panic attack.  I think this is due to the scrutiny we have been through when we go through customs as new adoptive parents. It is not easy and always gives me the heebie jeebies. I barely rescued Sweet Potatoes stuffed pig with the rattle in it from customs.  Take note don't take stuffed animals with things inside them through Indian customs. 

My pride of place is devastated I have always been so proud, so pleased, to work here. A place with a high level of integrity.  The 100% goes to the field really drew me here. I used to hate it when high levels of funding went to an organizations administration.  Well 12 years later I see the balancing act of costs to run the organization and cost to serve and I understand it better. 100% to the field is so difficult when you have people that need to feed their family, pay medical bills and etc.

Raising our own support over the years has been difficult. If we had a different policy and allowed a percentage of money coming in to go to the staff what a difference it would make. In reality when we do not have 100% in our account the general fund kicks in the difference. Which is great oh look a percentage of the money coming in does go to help staff yet that isn't the message K.P. preaches from the pulpit. For years it has been like a loose tooth something I prodded at wondered at and explained away thinking we were one of just a few families not at 100%.  Imagine my surprise when I accidentally got someone else's support sheet to discover they were 90% supported by the ministry.  I discreetly put it in the proper box and continued to wonder.

Over the years there has been pressure to be at 100%. In Colorado a guy from another ministry discussed with us an idea he had for full time staff fund raisers. He proved to me the man hours saved alone would be astounding.  On average my husband spends over 120 work hours a year on fund raising.  That's a lot of time it's 5% of his working hours.  This is not including all the Sunday services and Saturday meetings he scheduled, or the additional vacation we would take to fit in an extra weekend so we could stump at more churches.   Just running some numbers in my head 80 families at 120 a year = 9600 work hours that is over 4 people here working on fundraising full time. The guy's point was; If ministries hired 2 people full time to just raise staff support they could do it more effectively and efficiently. Families could still "Friend Raise" but when they hit the plateau and no more financing is forth coming the "staff support" would come in to play and assist.  But I digress...

I'm so concerned this just looks wrong it feels wrong, it may be illegal????  but is it right... the bible verse 1st Corinthians 10:23 "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify. " keeps running around my brain. 

The Not Really a Vacation; Vacation

I love to say to my kids "When we are on a family vacation, Mom and Dad don't stop being Mom, or Dad."  Were still doing our jobs, not to mention that anytime we go on vacation, disaster strikes somewhere in the world and My Knight in Shining Armor's phone is glued to his hand the entire time.  I never sleep well, and I sleep less well on vacation... unless I have my own room and can't hear my daughter, creating huge long term dental bills er um I mean grinding her teeth all night. I wonder how does her sister sleep with that?  It must be the reason when she is asleep, it's like trying to wake the dead.  

I'm so grateful for family and church family that houses us when we are out and about, but really nothing beats a hotel room alone... with the kids parked at Grandmas' (thanks Grandma!) for pure blissful sleep.  I wonder why? Is it just the lack of children needing me every moment, or rather every moment I want to spend privately?  Funny how that works isn't it. I'll be puttering in the kitchen for an hour and decide the houses quiet, I'll go hide in my room to rest.  Not five minutes later one child is knocking on the door "Mom can I?" and 3 minutes later  the other child is asking "Mom are you in there I need X Y and Z."

I know this is only a season in our lives. Some day soon I will not be dragging 2 kids though airports keeping track of iPods and luggage with one eye while seeking a bathroom with the other.  I love being able to free my spouse from the job of parenting while he finds a plug that works, and spends the 40 minutes before boarding running his department from afar.

And altho we took vacation days for this trip it is as much work as it is fun. I loved going to our sending church on Sunday but I also found as much heart ache as I did pleasure. I think that is one reason we have always loved it there so much, the people are so real.

No matter where we go or what we do people are people. As I was looking down over this great land of USA from my porthole in the sky. I kept thinking how much everything is really the same; farm lands, small towns, cities, rivers, plaines, mountains, great lakes, small lakes, tiny tanks to water cattle. If you cut us we all bleed red. We all have hurts, sorrows, joys, happiness, secret idols, secret sins, people we are honest with, people we hide from, people we love so deeply their loss makes us cry. We are humanity and God sees it all. He rejoices over our love, he shares in our suffering, he knows us better than we know ourselves.

Idols in our life

My pastor... well our sending pastor not our current pastor... spoke Sunday about idols in our life. How sometimes protestants condemn other religions for bowing down to idols. He was speaking on 1 Corinthians 1: 1-17 he focused on the part where Paul is begging for those in division to be in unity.  They were all broken into factions by who had baptized them. Isn't this typical of humanity, we boast of our accomplishments, name drop, and try to lift ourselves above others. We all do it to some degree, we have that desire to lift ourselves up and be just a wee bit better than the other guy.

Then it hit me I totally qualified as the person he was talking about. I sat there stunned, as the Lord convicted me. Being at GFA where we are encouraged to think of ourselves as one in a million, special, called by God, this mantra of words keeps telling me I was "SOMEBODY". When had this crept into my heart? I sat there repenting.  Images of K.P. telling us we were special, to be in America but be better than those poor weak minded christians in American churches.  For years I had held myself a wee bit higher than those that "just go to church." GFA never seemed to work with any other organization, I always assumed it was because we give "100% to the field." This mentality of "we are better than them" was there rooted in my heart... when had that happened? Oh my!

Hurtful comments from last summer came flooding into my mind. I realized I had been so stressed over that time.  I was allowing a man to hold Gods' place on Gods' throne. God gave me an image of a small man holding a scepter with his arms crossed, frowning, sitting on Gods Holy Throne... he was tiny, it was as if someone put an action figure on a really large chair.  I felt so sad.

Afterwards I processed this in a journal because I wasn't home or connected to the internet.
I wrote down that:
I had sought to please man over God.
I feared man over God.
I cared more for safety and security than God.
I had in-fact become complacent.

God was asking me again will you follow me and only me? My answer is Yes! I put my future in his hands once more. He is my sole guide.

Trust but Verifiy

I was looking back at some old posts seems people read my blog even from years ago... I was being bad and looking at my stats. A old post was suddenly very popular, which got me reading my blog. Ha ha ha this really is my online journal you're just reading my musings. 

I was looking at a post from 2 years ago where I was starting the process of Sweet Potato's medications becoming her responsibility.  I made a side note that it would probably take 3-4 years to get her to a place of being responsible. The process hasn't stopped I'm still working on this area in her life. She takes quiet bit of medication, and much of it makes her feel uncomfortable.  The salt water she breaths in really helps her cough deeply.. but who wants to cough deeply for 20 mins a day, twice a day?  Ow!

I'm seeing that I really did set a reasonable expectation in my blog post and it was a good reminder to read it today.  My expectation was 3-4 years before I would be able to be at the "trust but verify" stage of watching over her medications. We still have months where I go to switch out her inhaler and its got a few to many doses left. (Yes bad mommie! no doughnut for me!)  But 2 years into it I am seeing her ask for her medication, going and getting it out of the closet where it is kept on her own. I'm even finding her cleaning up all the plastic vials every once in a while. Tidying her area without being asked. All good things.

In fact at this time there is no "FIX" for her disease. Only lots of hard work, being uncomfortable, taking medications, eating right, exercising and sadly not being able to do all the things you want to do.

Sometimes our children just take longer to process things, we as parents want to Fix it right now, make it better right away... kiss the boo boo and all is well... but our children have deep hurts, a kiss sure helps but it won't fix it.

TP for the Win

Today in the bathroom I got thinking about how wonderful my Knight In Shining Armor is.  He's a really good guy, but don't think I'm looking though my rose colored glasses. I got thinking along these lines because of toilet paper.   Yes I did just write that... toilet paper.  The right kind was on the roll how awesome is that... this is totally a 1st world problem but hey...  Growing up in the 70's has left certain commercials stuck in my brain. Specifically:  DON'T squeeze the Charmin!  and the Pharmacist crying over his; oh wait even after being manhandled by SAHM's it's still soft and fluffy Charmin. Really??? what were the advertisers thinking?  Wait it must be effective because 40 years later I still have the tag line running though my head.  Then again I can't stand Charmin so altho effective at making me remember the commercial, it also keeps me from buying it. :-)

Sometimes I feel like reenacting these commercials in the local grocery store.  Get a bunch of ladies together to go stand in the paper product aisle and pass a 6 pack of toilet paper back and forth hugging it like it's our BFF.

Hey look I finally made it. 

How often is the bathroom the place where irritations start in relationships? I know one man who got a divorce after 2 weeks, why... his now x-wife could not stand the way he brushed his teeth. Oh my! The mind boggles.

So as I tided up the bathroom today I kept noting the little things that irritate us so.
Diabetic supplies overflowing the tiny garbage bin on the counter, balled up dental floss that missed the trash, the toothpaste squeezed in the middle, the tweezers not put away, a sink full of hair clippings. Hair ties scattered like colorful rings across the counter.  (please note this is mix of what irritates us both) We all have these small irritations, no matter how harmonious a relationship looks, we are human and will always find things that rub us the wrong way.

But then what do I see, the right kind of toilet paper on the roll.  It made me smile and it made me think of when we bought it. I was so tired and my feet were hurting when we finally reached the grocery store after a round of Dr. appointments.  He said "Go sit in the Starbuck's (in the front of the store) and call your friend.  I'll get the stuff on the list." Gratefully I got a Decaf Americano doctored it up with cream and sugar and had coffee with a friend.  Now isn't he wonderful, but the story gets better! He travels across the entire store back to me to ask "Is this the right toilet paper?" Holding up the Charmin... Who hoo I get to choose and I can tell him to get any other kind but that one."  What a guy, willing to traverse the grocery store trailing two children in search of the perfect paper.

Will I still squeeze my toothpaste tube the way I like to and may he continue to squeeze it the way he likes to? Yup!  Will these things irritate us still? Yup (some days more than others.) Will I still love him like crazy because he's so awesome Yup :-)  That love of Christ, that overpouring of the Spirit within us that enables me to love myself and love others, is the reason I can.

Ewwww Ticks!

I hate the smell of off... yet I live in tick country so, I took some time to make some DYI "Bug Stuff." After doing some research I picked some options for a Essential Oil based Bug repellent (or discourager).   I noticed last year when I wore lemongrass the mosquitoes would occasionally bite me, unless anyone else was around, then they never went after me.

I took 5 drops of Geranium, 5 drops of Peppermint, 5 of Lavender, and 10 drops of Lemongrass and added it to 4 oz of coconut oil melted. I put it in this cute tub I have and it smells fantastic. I messed about with other flavors and blends but this is the one I liked the best. My Hubby liked Thyme added in but it didn't suit me.  The Geranium is supposed to discourage ticks, and the coconut oil is lovely for my skin. 

Did You Notice?

That old saying the shoemakers kids never have shoes is true of web developer wives. For years my hubby has been talking about shifting my blog to Wordpress, getting me monetized as in adding a button for our missionary support, as well as a few other things web related. He was home sick last month with a nasty cold I think he caught it from Mr. Coughy sitting next to him on the plane. I casually mentioned my MIA button and the next thing I know he's asking me what my blog log in is. Huh what who where?  Ta da! its on my side bar!

So I have officially given you the means to get a tax deduction :-) click the link and support this missionary mama! We do need more support. The move too the ACA has kinda killed our current budget. I'm grateful for health care, but the costs are spinning out of control.  Until it stabilizes our input is less than our output. ick! Any and all support is welcome! Do remember our support is raised separately from donations given to the field. 100% of donations given to the field go there, not here.  I really was attracted GFA in the first place because of that integrity, and the fact they had woman missionaries.  

Big XOXOX to my Knight in Shining Armor for making a button 

Love ya baby! 

Mom's Grounded...

I've been using a new tool in my parenting tool box. It's a modified time-in... I call it Mom Grounded... because it feels like I'm the one being grounded ha ha ha ha. But seriously folks it's been working amazingly well.  It is similar to the Time-in model where when you are not connecting with your child, so you wait for them to calm down, feed them, water them, then talk to them... In the teen years I'm not finding this as effective, she can sit on that couch for hours if need be.

Instead of grounding her to her room, or the house, or taking away her iPod, I "Mom Ground" the teen. This means they need to spend all their time with me, doing what I'm doing, after their chores and schoolwork is finished.  It's not easy, as you the parent have to also spend all this extra time with your teen. On the other hand hey you get to spend a lot of time with your teenager.  

What I have discovered while implementing this discipline:
The teen eventually stops being mad about it...
get their work done faster because you are on hand to help.
actually don't complain when you decide to watch a Nova or a Nature because hey the T.V. is ON whoo hoo! 
help you do your work kind of like how a cat helps, but hey they are helping.
and while you are both sitting doing the mundane tasks of housework about 3 hours in... they start to talk.

They talk about their friends and their struggles, they ask your advice, they ask embarrassing (to them) questions, they find out funny things about you and laugh. Best of all you both remember how much you love one another.

Communication Key to Your...

My Knight in Shining Armor and I were required to read "Communication Key to Your Marriage" as part of our pre-marrital counseling.  At this point in my life I could not tell you details of the book  it was a dry read if I recall it correctly.  Yet the main key issue "You need to communicate every day!" still shines though.  Every once in a while I look at hubby and say "Communication Key To Your Marriage."  my eyes glint as I say it.  We always laugh because it's usually when we are not communicating well.  It is a reset button for us. It can stop an argument Ahem I mean a discussion in it's tracks.

As I'm pondering the book Smart Trust I find truly, that communication is the key to relationships. I find it interesting that all the podcasts from Jon Acuff I'm randomly picking all boil down to communication. I'm wondering what God is trying to tell me.  

One of Karyn Purvis's key elements in parenting children from hard places is called giving voice.
Dave Ramsey's says a symptom that leads to divorce is not feeling heard.
Stephen Covey talks about listening with your gut.
Dr. Siegel spends a chapter on attachment styles, and you can see the clear thread that runs through them all - communication leads to the best relationships.

I find it interesting that in our training they pointed out neglect does far more damage to a child's development and future as a functioning adult than abuse. Abuse at the very least sends a message of "You have value."  Where as adoptive parents tend to think a neglected child who did not suffer pain of the body will have fewer issues. Yet the message a neglected child feels is "You are of no value."   Neither abuse or neglect should be praised in anyway they are both terrible things that take the right mix of love parenting and occasionally therapy to overcome. 

To me a lack of communication in a relationship is a form of neglect and it will always cause issues.

I Hate The Internet

Sweet Potato stood there proclaiming "I hate the internet."
Putting on my concerned mom hat I replied "ok sweetie when the man repairs it I won't make you have it again." What sweet words she hates the internet she can stop being a texting zombie!!! whoo hoo (joking). Minor flare of temper later she explained she hates that the internet is down and "My life is OVER! I'm dying" Amazing she is still able to speak through the death nell, maybe she is a zombie. 

I said all joking aside this is an opportunity to draw that poster you wanted to make, read a book, play with someone... I sat and watched more teen drama. I suggested she write a note to her friend (the original texting... a letter) I got more teen drama about not being able to open mailboxes.

So I apologized for being a terrible mom,  ;-) I mean really I must stink at this parenting thing if her life is over because she can't text. I have allowed her to become an "entertain me" child.  She is unable to entertain herself without an electronic device in her hands.  Her reaction was priceless.

Of course if she stepped 10 yards outside she can text from our neighbors wifi that he is generously sharing with us during this media crisis. Should I remind her... or shouldn't I... oh well when I get permission to post this blog the cat will be out of the bag...

Who Are You and What Have You done With Sweet Potato???

As I dragged my coughing, sleepy self from my bed, and made a smoothie for breakfast, my pajama clad child came down and announced she had only TWO! wait I mean three! subjects left in school.  She had gotten up at precisely 6:11am and went into the school room and did her school.  Whoo hoo...

She rattled off how easy science was and that school is easy today. Picture me rubbing sleep from my eyes and pinching myself to see if I was still sleeping... Is this the child that I forgot to give schoolwork too on Martin Luther King day thus making the transition back to school icky....  Tuesday was horribly long and lasted till 10:30pm!  Well not to look a gift school day in the mouth, I finished off my breakfast and trotted upstairs to check out her progress. Yes it was all getting worked on and the books she had finished with were on the book shelf!  They were not piled on the floor desk and chair like usual.  *happy dance*  I need to give her a big reward, a really big reward for this. Maybe I'll take her to Sonic for lunch...

I did have to hand her back a few quickly done bits and pieces but this... this is progress.

We did talk about a lot of things yesterday,
What are my goals for you, and What are your goals for yourself?
What do you want to do with your life (this changes daily)?
What tools do you need to be able to choose your career?
and I can see that some of it stuck,  for today at least.

I really want her to realize I'm on her side. I want her school done early enough that she has free time.  Lets face it if she is free, I am free as well! School traps me as much, if not more than it does her.  It reminds me of the car example in the Speed of Trust where the son gets a speeding ticket and the parents are in mourning because they had to ground their extra driver.  Now Mom and Dad are stuck having to play chauffeur again when previously the older child could be the chauffeur.

I'm glad to see her have a good day with good patterns, here is hoping it will stick!

Creativity

I had a talk with Sweet Potato about creativity today. She had turned in a hurried essay on the Holocaust. You could tell it was done in a rush and was done for "doings sake" not for achieving merit in school.  I'm really struggling on how to foster creativity in this "entertain me" child.

I asked her what did creativity mean to her? At first all she would say was "I don't know." I pointed out there was no right or wrong answer to the question. I just wanted to know what did she think when I said creativity. After a few moments she said all in a rush "Drawing and stuff like that, and I'm not a good drawer."  The answer was exactly what I suspected it would be. How often do we get caught up in the thought that creativity is only regulated to the muses, the arts, and never to applied to work or relationships?

To me creativity is in all walks of life. The cook who makes substitutes to the recipe and it tastes better, the manager who figures out who is best suited to each task and has a smooth running department. The janitor who figures out an efficient way to clean the floors and happily hums as he works. The child who piles all of the pillows under the blankets and declares a dinosaur is sleeping.

We delved deep into this idea that creativity is not just art but for example; her pursuit of Star Wars videos via apps on her iPod is creative. I think she got it because she said "Wait creative writing I have a book called creative writing, so writing is creative too! You know Mom it was that other school - my teacher that told me to only be creative in drawing."  I'm sure this statement taken in context would totally make sense :-) but I'm not sure I like her interpretation of it at this time.

Fostering creativity in this child has always been a struggle for me. When I try to teach her the skills needed to excel at a task where she can be creative, she just wants to learn the rote way. When given tasks that need problem solving she sits and waits for it to be solved for her.  Sadly she did learn "If I wait long enough someone will come and fix it." mentality in special education. *sigh*

My current prayer is to foster creativity and problem solving in her, how I do not know. I'll keep casting my net out and trying new ways till the spaghetti sticks to the wall. :-)

Homeschool 2015 January

I'm so happy I have allowed other kids to come be schooled in our schoolroom. The benefits far outweigh the inconvenience.   I'm happy because I love to fill my life with people. I know it doesn't look like that from afar but its true. I get warmfuzzies from serving others. Sweet Potato is still not pushing as many of mom's buttons because well other people are there and she doesn't do that when other people are around. I rather like it, it's nice to not be on watch all the time. I'm sure it is good for us all. It falls into the getting it right the first time category.  I love that bit, laying down neruo-pathways of doing it right.

I am getting pushback from Sweet Potato but it's not really bad at all, kinda normal and I'm glad she is defending herself and her actions. That shows a spark we need to see in her. Now if we could just direct it to positive school energy... well may be not, but I can hope right? 

Little Miss Sunshine is doing well and plugging along with school. I belive she likes having a companion to do school with. Her best friend has also come to share our schooling space but I'm grateful they are not in the same program. I'm not sure any work would get done if they had shared books. Sadly right after "best friend" joined us she had to run of too another state for a family emergency. Happily she is homeschooled so her work could be packed up in a carry on and traveled with her. I do love the portability of HOD. Many support trips we have just taken school along with us. 

The dynamic of the small one room school house feel makes my heart happy. I can cover one topic they all are learning about and then I can work one on one with my kids where they need help. It is taking longer and I do need to supervise the chit chat but I'm happy they are such diligent kids they stick to their work. Sometimes all it takes is a *ahem* from me to have them realize chatting is for Lunch time. 

I have found I need to order my days more carefully and this week I required of myself a meal plan for the week.  I love to cook and just make what my fancy strikes me of our "regularly" scheduled meals but I know my days will be happier if I have a plan and stick to it. I'm trying to feed my Knight in Shining Armor a more Mediterranean diet.  Altho Monday I made his favorite P. F. Changs copycat lettuce wraps without the sugar they were so yummy! 

I'm debating whether to make lamb stew or moroccan soup... I have turnips to cook :-) I think it will be the soup, in actuality there is little difference between them, just a matter of spices and my menu says soup... using up lamb looks to be the order of the day. 

Texting Rules When your Mom is a Gamer.

A few weeks ago when I had some free time I managed to get in a group of online friends and raided a dungeon. I really love the interactivity of this part of the game and I love playing with people I know, but I don't do it very often because it means I am not Present enough for my children.  I wasn't feeling great (Aunti Flo was visiting) so I holed up in my bedroom with my nice toasty warm computer and logged on to play and forget my troubles.

My daughter decided it would be a perfect time to text me non stop because well I must be lonely and not very busy since "You are only resting Mom!." After a bit I had to stop playing as I couldn't juggle texting and killing mythical beasts at the same time. Instead I put my tongue in my cheek and wrote these rules while replying to her nonstop texts.

feel free to laugh...

1. If your mom is in the next room go in and talk to her. Really! you are outside my door and you are texting me?

2. If you got your phone, iPod, or texting device taken away don't use your friends device to text mom while she is killing things... unless its an emergency wait then you should call me!

3. Make sure the right person is receiving your texts, if you become to annoying Dad will take the dinging phone that he can hear upstairs away from Mom because it is distracting him...

4. Make sure the back door is securely closed so the dogs don't get out, or mom will have to AFK while her 4 friends wait as she answers the door, and has to holler for anyone NOT wearing a bathrobe to go chase the dogs back in the house. 

5. If she says "I'm killing the boss", or "I'm in a dungeon" realize she is playing with real people... yes you are real person too, but texting one word at a time so Mom is distracted is not funny for the 4 other people counting on her to heal and fight beside them.

6. Stop being weird... texting your mom phrases you want to try out to see how she will react read how angry she will get, while her mind is engaged in killing a boss will most likely lead to you loosing your texting device for even longer periods of time.

7. Texting your mom "is it ok to breath......."  which you have never asked permission to do before because you know it is vital for life. Realize I know your texting just because its fun to text. It is ok until you find out mom is killing a boss. Then please stop texting as is very distracting and can get your mom killed in game.... Mom getting the loot is a happy mom. Mom dying in a dungeon is not a happy mom. It won't break my heart but it does effect my xp! 

As for real life texting rules...

8. Don't text me when you know I'm driving, I want to live to see you graduated high school.

9. If I don't reply right away it doesn't mean I don't love you. It could be one of these reasons:
I'm working.
I didn't hear my phone because Dad turned it on vibrate. because you were texting me so much it was bugging him.
I left my phone in the car again and can't find it.
I'm taking a nap.
Its in my coat pocket on the other side of the room and I'm actually talking to a real person and didn't hear it. 

10. Don't assume I'm mad.

11. Texting is a tool not a toy.

12. Texting is not a replacement for a real conversation or relationship.

13. Saying I LOVE YOU in person has far more meaning than "I heart U"

He is Home

So my dear hubby left me again and when he goes he likes to keep it off social media. I totally understand his request, its like posting; Hey I'm at a restaurant 150 miles from home go rob it :-).  I think there are even a few spoof sites called robmenow and so forth.

It was a good time Hubby was happy to be in India and I was happy to let him go.  We ate lots of carb based meals and food we usually don't keep in this diabetic friendly house.  This was one of the best Daddy's not home times.

I kept trying to practice Stephen Covey Jr's Smart Trust on the kids.  Allas Sweet Potato is not yet ready for her iPod all night long long. I'm so amazed at her persistence and ability, to get at Star War Videos on You Tube. Of course this behavior only shows me the depth of her will. She really does have what it takes to push through when it matters to her. Now the first time she "stayed up all night" watching videos it was not a school day afterward. She felt horrible and I let her sleep most of the day.  The second time it was a school day, and well she had to do school and chores and she slogged though the day.  I didn't even bat an eye hey darling look you feel icky and you can barely think all because you lived out a fantasy.

I had the fantasy as a child, I thought my parents stayed up because... well because no one was there to tell them to go to bed. They ruled their life they could stay up ALL night! as I got older and experienced the needs of adulthood I soon discovered bed time is a privilege reserved for the young and responsible-less.  I'm glad she choose to watch videos till 4am and have a horrible day... I'm glad she choose to do it second time. What better place for her to experience the ahem *joys* of sleep deprivation headaches, feeling sick and unable to eat well, and dozing off as soon as you sit down, than in her own home.  I'm not sure she has figured out this is not a good idea, but I do see glimmers of hope.

I think she is becoming aware of all that is required of an adulthood that is responsible, and productive full of good character qualities.
Consider: as parents can we do any better than helping our children to be productive members of society in what ever skills God has bequeathed them?

Ahh A Few Good Days

Last week Little Miss Sunshine and I went to the Sewing Expo in Fort Worth, What fun that was, it was her first conference and she really enjoyed it. Even tho their was only one other child there, she is comfortable enough in her own skin to talk to anyone. In fact She talked to a wedding dress seamstress for a good 40 minutes, while I got to peruse the books in silence. Tho I do believe the phrase "They are a fun bunch of old ladies" was on her lips a few times...  

In the family tradition of "weaving" she now owns her first peg loom.  She really loved making simple bracelets on the loom set up at the show. I'm going to steal it borrow it and make a few lanyards. Finally a place to use up all the extra friendship bracelet thread.  

We took classes in what she was interested in, so here was this quilter sitting in on How to sew Luxury Fabrics,  and Sparkle Twinkle and Shine... tho how to use doughnuts to make shawls and really cool ruffles was well worth watching... and No I'm not telling you how delicious breakfast treats make shawls... well at least not till Christmas.  

It was a fantastic time, we planned it this way to make sure each of the kidlets got enough alone time with Mom. I really find PLANNED alone time is so important to our relationships with our children.  I could see when we took off for St. Louis and left the child who would be bored and rolling her eyes at all the attention the other one was getting behind with friends. I knew she would have a good time but also within hours I was seeing symptoms of trauma surface.  Thank goodness we have a friend who does massages and could step in an relieve those symptoms.  

Having just one on one time really allow's us to connect in many ways with our children. She will never forget eating hot wings at midnight, or looking at all the quilts.  Consider we out grow the T-shirt, or toss the souvenir's,  but memories are forever with us. They make up the fabric of who we are.  Yes the pun is intended; that was for you Ann.  

So many issues I face as a parent I can actually see transformed by the correct application of togetherness. Sweet Potato being left behind because at a Sewing Expo she would be the child who would be bored and rolling her eyes at all the attention the other one was getting... was happy to stay and play on campus. This time I did not shoot myself in the foot and give her pure vacation days... Noooooo I gave her all the hard bits of school... *grinning* so these last few days have been fabulous. Her work load is not overly difficult nor is it going extra long.  She also realized I'm a good parent for her, seeing how other households work can sometimes shoot us in the foot because now she wants me to brush her hair like so and so's mom does.  can give us an appreciation for the freedoms and responsibilities we have in our own households. 

We also have started co-opting with another family and I think having that presence in and out of the house has added "everyone is on their best behavior" to the equation.  I'm looking forward to sharing the load with the other mom, and I'm finding it a joy to have another child added into the mix, who has fresh perspectives and handwriting I can read without wondering if it's an E or an I.   Tho whats with all the kids wrapping their thumbs when they write. I think I'll be breaking out the golf pencils for everyone soon...