Oppositional Behavior

Since I have pulled Little M. Back to 75% phase one  25% phase 2, foods on the SBP diet her head has cleared once again. Strict diet seems to keep her really focused.  I'm getting much better narrations out of her. They are not mixed up messy things but rather the beginning to the middle then she gets stuck at the end.  This is quiet different from her narrations of the past. Previously she would start at the end the bit easily accessed because she still has it in her short term memory.  Then a half sentence from the beginning partially memorized but not complete. And then some way it relates to her for example "I love_____  fill in blank"  its not necessarily true its just filler for her mouth.

As we were doing science narrations and I had both children  together she gave me a half right answer after repeating her sisters answer multiple times.  It was about where the the animals sleep during the hottest part of the desert day. I could see she had the information in her head. But it was being a slippery fish.  You know what slippery fish are don't you?  It's when you say "It's on the tip of my tongue"  but you just can't remember.

So I tossed her a net and asked her a leading question. I was so sad I could see that oppositional behavior rising to the surface. Grrrrrr.  Her whole countenance changed.  *sigh* So I did the whole get down on their level.  Asked to see her beautiful eyes and held her hands that were twisting and picking.  I said "Why are you angry? Think about it, can you answer the question I just asked you?"
"Yes Mom I can, but I don't want to."
"So you don't want to get the answer right? Don't you see if you answer my question, it will help you remember where the animals sleep.  It's a net for that slippery fish."  She got that look in her eye you know the one *Picture a Light bulb over her head.* I could tell she had the answer!

But did she say the correct answer... Not right away.  If a wall would have been handy I would have banged my head against it.  Instead I asked her if she liked to get the answers right and how it made her feel... "Good." she replied.  So getting them wrong is that the same "Good" feeling?  "Umm not exactly." she mumbled looking at the floor.   Ok then you have to ask your self  how do you want to feel right now,  Good or In control but really yucky? not as good?

The answer literally flew out of her mouth and landed on the floor flopping around. She babbled on how the animals hid under ground and some plugged the holes to keep the water in, and others stole old burrows.

I praised her to the high heavens.  Always a dangerous thing to do as this could lead to bad behavior later on but As I watch her I'm wondering how hard her life must seem to her. Firstly she has trouble holding information in her head for any length of time. Secondly she has to fight against that oppostional mindset that she has due to her adoption.  Thirdly I have to think twice Do I praise her because if I do it will lead to Mind blowing horrible behavior later on. Can I live with the consequences of praising her today, Can I live with not praising her???  What Mom has to think that way!! arrgghhhhhhhh!!! 

Its so weird I have one who is like Arnold from Welcome Back Kotter.  Squirming in her seat she knows the answer literally going Oooo Oooo pick me pick me...  And one who often reminds me of Vinny Barbarino  Who? What? Where?

I employed a technique from Arleta James,  I praised her very specifically for the one thing,  then said "I know when you get praise you tend to turn around and show me how bad you can be. It's OK I'm ready for it, in fact I'm expecting it.  I'll still love you."   It totally worked since she knew I was expecting it, she didn't do it. That's the way to make that mindset work for me. I've never seen a kid desire a low self worth so much. Its like she pursues it with a single focused mindset. *sigh*

Adoption expectaions

I have been talking to a Mom via message boards and Email and just last night found out She too as a child from the same orphanage as Little M. I can't think the last time I was this excited. Wow So cool Yippie! she also has a rainbow family (Adopted from more than just one country).  It made me soooo happy To know of another Adoptee just like my adoptee... now if we ever get them together, will it be oil and water? can we make mayonaise??  

Sometimes we can feel so alone with our problems, I know I far to often think "No one else feels how I feel" or "No one else has been through what I have been through."  I know this is just a big fat lie from the pit of H..E...  double toothpicks. Yet I still fall into false thinking, and the downward spiral starts yet again.  I Do love it when you make a connection that has Gods fingerprints all over it.

I also hate I when you see someone on the road you have driven on and you warn them hey the bridge is really shaky, I'd take this detour around it...  And you can just see they are not in a place to listen, they decide to cross the shaky bridge. Then while they are on the bridge they freak out because it is so shaky.  You think to yourself  Man I was just like that!!  to proud, to sleep deprived, to unsure of myself to listen. My expectations were way out of whack with reality.

You know when you Adopt you have expectations, especially if you have parented before.  When we adopted a second time we had to take a class about International Adoption. We tried to get out of it because we had previously adopted but it was faster to just do the 2 day class. Our Social worker was actually running it. She was so happy to have us there.  I soon figured out why.

As she would bring up a scenario (usually one we had lived through)  and present it to the group.  Those who had birth children would talk about how they would handle it (with confidence).  Those adopting but had no children would listen or add what worked for them when they were kids.  The social worker never let us talk till everyone else had gone first. It was so funny.  We wouldn't look at it from how would we handle it but rather how badly all the things they just offered didn't work. Then the only thing that did work for us was... Over and over and over again. The social worker managed to drive home to some our adoption was not unusual. this was normal... I could see about half those in our group started to have paradigm shifts in their expectation.  Others did not listen. They were still in that place of it won't happen to me, your exaggerating.

 I can remember those early days of adoption When my attitudes were "These horror stories won't happen to me. God loves me. He won't let that happen to me. I'll be such a great mom. "  I am no longer in that place. Something works for you Yippie let me try it too! And being Mom is such fun but I'm just doing the best I can.

Walking Zombie.

So I slept really poorly last night, always makes for a sleep deprived day. Ever notice how your emotions get so weirded out when you don't get enough sleep?  My feelings get so easily hurt when I'm a walking zombie.

Normally I let stuff roll of my back like a duck, My childhood was one filled with a lot of rejection.  So I'm used to it for the most part. But I hate it when I have to find a sitter when all my regular sitters are to busy.  I have to look into that gulf of unknown people. I know I'm overly protective. I feel I have reason to be.  If you give Little M. a cookie Who?? will she be when she comes home? I really can see the menfe syndrome at play. Pulling her back to Phase 1 foods made such a huge difference. If someone mistakenly gives her a treat that is a trigger food Whoa Nellie Stand back as the tornado flies.

My Hubby told my kids to be extra nice to me today since I didn't sleep well. Picture me banging my head against he wall and yelling Noooooooooo! Don't do it! This is ok to tell Little Miss Sunshine but not to Little M.  Little M just sees it as an opportunity to explore her feelings by imputing them on others. I think this is why I have spent part of my morning hiding in the bathroom crying. Really Life is so not this bad... Is it PMS? or that horrible thing adoptees do so well. If you think I'm crazy go take a visit to Arleta James's blog.
Perspectives Press Link

So this morning She spent 45 minutes telling me about 3 paragraphs she had read. Very poor narration even with promptings, and re-reading.  Just awful, My Mommy radar began pinging after 40 minutes and I just got up and took a grace token away. Sat back down and said "Your not trying."  If you don't do better I'll take away another one.  It was like someone turned her brain on. Suddenly!!!!! She could tell me 80% of the story... Don't you hate it when they are shamming Arrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!! 

Now math was another story, today 9-9=? stumped her. She did it on her fingers.. Show me 9 fingers now takeaway 9 fingers how many do you have left... 9 mom no 10... see as she shows her fingers still attached to her hand, and she wasn't being funny.  She is very concrete today.  So we had to do it the Visual Math way.  Then she got it ohhhhh Nine take away 9 equals ZERO!  Ohhhhh

Ahh well I think I'll take a nap and then life will look so much better.

Update: No nap but a nice visit with a friend and My Knight in Shining Armor stopped by long enough to give me a Decaf Americano with a shot of vanilla. It totally made up for the horrible behavior he incited in Little M. today.

Vanity of vanity all is vanity

Friday night we had a wedding to go to. I'm still working on the quilt.  In fact I could use a few good movies and some alone time to help move it along.  I used to look forward to weddings back when we were DINKS (double income no kids). But lately I have found myself not looking forward to them.

I do live in a fairly closed community at the ministry,  if no kids are allowed the babysitting factor comes into play. As in "I had better set up a baby sitter as soon as possible or they will all be gone." Also having a Spectrum kid I hear more no's than yes's in a normal baby sitting situation. Weddings are even harder when there is a limited number of babysitters.
I think people don't get how easy a spectrum child can be to baby sit.. If  you like I will send her DS/personal DVD player with her and she will sit in a corner and play it till I come for her. It's only if you expect her to interact with your children in a nurotypical way that you may run into issues. My friend C has discovered
this factoid and if she is available, will always taker her. Bless you C!
Of course some of the weddings eased the way for us and set up baby sitting in the same building.  That was really nice!

Now Fridays' wedding they actually invited my children. Yippie!  well maybe not :-/  No babysitting to deal with.  On the other hand I had a day of being "Hair Dresser Mom." It was kinda like we were having a wedding here at our house. Little Miss Sunshine of the long straight hair. Begged and cajoled for Curls. When I sought out the curlers I could only find 4.  Where are they?  lost, broken and tossed. "Sorry Mom I tried to use them and I broke them" Oh Joy.. now do I splurge and go buy a curling iron?  I decided not to on the grounds I have no idea on how to use one!  and I'm sure I will do one or more of the following:
A. Burn my fingers.
B. Burn her scalp.
C. Fry her hair.

So I saved my cash and we used the 4 curlers all day long. Since her hair goes past her waist. I could only curl a small amount at a time.  I got out some heavy duty curling mousse.  It worked tho some of the curls were a bit hard, by the time the wedding rolled around they had relaxed. So I think I spent about 2 hours on her hair.  I really need to have her buy me a new set at the dollar store.

Meanwhile I took a few "new to us" dresses into Little M. I helped her put the first one on.  It was a great color (blue) for her. It was made of a non itchy, non scratchy, non soapy feeling fabric.  Always an important factor in clothing for Little M! It made her look like a young lady eeeep! She is growing up!  I could tell she LOVED this dress, she looked beautiful.  I did a no no... I told her how pretty she looked.  Bad Mommy I approved of the dress how dare I.  Miss Oppositional jumped out of the wood work.  She said " I hate this dress, it's loose around my legs I want it tight."  Now since she has been playing "Laura Ingalls" for the last 2 weeks DAILY! wearing skirts that don't cling. I wasn't buying what she was selling.  We tried on the other new dress and it looked ok, not as nice as the first one. And it had itchy fabric, but did she complain? noooooooooo!  I look back and find it funny now, but at the time I have to admit I was so annoyed. *rolls eyes*

After a bit I talked to her about the "why" of the attitude. I'm always torn is it rebellion or adoption opposition, or a bit of both??  How to handle it??? Yesterday,  I turned the tables on her and pointed out she had handed me all the control of "her" likes and dislikes at that moment. And personally I have enough responsibly and I don't want that much power. Since she loves to be in control this made her annoyed and confused. hahahahahah.... Sorry but the look of consternation on her face when I started telling her I love "all her favorite foods."  Now she was wanting to hate them, quite the dilemma she had. It is rather funny.   Eventually she snapped out of it  saw reason. To avoid any last minute opposition I let Daddy pick the dress she was going to wear.  He of course picked the blue one, which helped her love  it all the more....

Now we come to straightening her hair. She asked nicely, I agreed as long as she brushed her hair.  Even tho I'm sure I'm going to burn my fingers. Aunti has taught me how to do it, so I have some confidence I can do it.  And her hair is thick with a stubborn natural wave, it would curl fantastically.  So I ask her to brush her hair. She does a terrible job. In fact I can tell from the condition of her hair she hasn't bothered to bush the inside bit near her neck for about a week.  Its been looking fine but I had to cut 4 nasty snarls out of  it.  I'm low on time before dinner, so I do my best to brush it without pain, but she screams bloody murder. So I say want me to cut it?  NO! *tears*  So I try again to get out the snarls gently.  She screams like I'm killing her. So I cut it out *more tears* Because its her precious hair!

/start dream sequence
Her Knight In Shining Armor comes galloping in from outside (where he was grilling dinner) wielding a spatula  Whoa Whoa My dear daughter are you in distress?
Little M: The Big Bad Mean Mommy with a hair brush is attacking me! she will cut my precious hair that has magical powers.
Hubby: But Dear Daughter how is this? Did you not put thyself into her hands to have thy hair magically straightened. Here let me wield the hair brush and save thee!
BBMM: But forsooth OH Champion of champions will not your meat burn to a crisp? Are you sure I'm not truly the fairy Godmother in disguise? I'm here to prepare her for her ball.  You shall not wrestle this magic hair brush from my hand. As you can see Look! I have cut out the offending snarls.  Now that the evil snarls are gone the brush flows freely through her hair once more.
Hubby: Ahh dear Lady you are correct... she is in no real danger.  Yet the lamb! it may be charring as we speak! Knight In Shining Armor exits. 
Little M:  *pouts*  But But My magical hair!
/end dream sequence.
25 minutes later her hair is straight and beauteous.

Now I have 40 minutes to get a shower get dressed myself... But... Hubby certain we will be "LATE!" if we don't leave  in 15 minutes, when the location is 8 min away.  By my calculations that gives us a 25 minute window to stand around and keep the kids from running in church.  I scramble anyway and am ready in about 10 minutes. Ahh the joys of motherhood. I hope I looked ok I didn't even get to look in a mirror before I left.

As we leave it starts to pour. Yeah!!! we really really need rain here in TX. The Humidity level skyrockets... You can just imagine what happens to the hair styles, Curls become less curly and straight starts to frizz...  Really you just have to laugh!!!  Even tho I know it is normal for straight haired people to want curls and curly hair people to want straight.  My heart really wishes they would be satisfied with the way God created them to be. Vanity of vanity all is vanity.

Our Weekly Check in

This week we finished up Unit 4 and started Unit 5 of Preparing  with Little Miss Sunshine.  Little M tags along in Science and Grammar.  She as so many "therapy art stuff" we don't do do the CTC art portions.

They loved the cactus experiment but of course I could not find the tooth picks anywhere.  Things have HOMES in my house but I swear they runaway from home all the time.  I think they like living under my kids bed better than in the kitchen cupboard. So the spines are My poor dead Zinnia stems, I failed to water them enough.  With all the water restrictions I figured it would be better to let them die than sneak out in the middle of the night to water them.

Little Miss Sunshine loved doing the cartouche, it is still drying because Yeah!!! We have had rain on and off for  the last 3 days.  Since prior to this week  it only rained .004 of an inch since the last week in May.  I'm happy to let it dry slowly. 

They are both working on the science notebook, I walked into a sweet scene where the younger was slowly drawing all the parts so her sister could see how she was doing it. She was saying "Now a curved line for the body."Just like I do in the Monart I'm doing for therapy for Little M.  It was sooo cute.

Here is Little Miss Sunshines independent history using Draw Write Through History. She really loves doing it. I really love how she looks forward to doing it, and how it keeps her busy when I need to do the auditory processing stuff with Little M. It's a win win for this family. 

This is our DITHOR final project, she decided to do the scene from Misty of Chincoteague where Phantom runs to meet the Pied Piper, But Misty stays home.  She did a great job gluing the sand to the box.  We found these inexpensive horses and she painted them to match the front cover.  She did it all her self w/o any help from Mama. I'm So proud of her.

Is it Enough?

Today I had the privilege of watching my friends kids. She home schools as well but she does it all her self. Shes one of those amazing women who plan and piece together their  own curriculum.  I know I couldn't do it and I'm so grateful for my open and go Heart of Dakota!

Mr. Comparison crept in my house today eeeekkk... need to beat him with the broom.  I caught sight of S's biology home work, she is the same age as Little M (DD1's new moniker).  S is reading this piece on Amoebae's with convoluted wording.. Really??  History is a building and people are the wing of a fly on the building.  But the author takes 4 sentences to say what I just said. Really??

Mean while my dd is reading a piece on elephant tusks... and she narrates to me that elephants use tusks to eat grass and use them to kill food.  Ok you all know me by now...  I'm busting a gut LOL inside, I turn my face so she can't see me starting to crack up.
I ask "Are elephants herbivores or carnivores?"
"Mom they eat grass."
I respond with so what kind grass do they kill with the tusks.. I'm barely holding on at this point...
She finally gets a good look at my face and Yells "MOMMMM!!! They don't Kill Grass!"  At which point we both burst out laughing, shes like wait they don't eat meat! they are herbivores!
Heaven help us! she ACTUALLY said "I think I need to read it again."

Two 12 year olds reading vastly different material... Mr. Comparison jumped up out of the wood work asking:  Are you doing enough? Shouldn't you push her more? Make her work harder.  She should be so much more advanced, She couldn't even read that biology.   But there Mr. Comparison is wrong, I gave it to her to read. She read it like a dream. She can read at a 9th grade level.  She just has no idea of what she is reading.

Ya know your kids gotta walk before they can run, and they have to crawl before their brains grow (ok that's a bit of Nuro devlopmental humor it's ok that you don't get it).  I can't expect her to be at the same level. She does have Spectrum issues. She needs interpersonal skills more than she needs to know; When 2 trains speeding at different speeds will pass each other in the night. When they are traveling in opposite directions.   (never.. tricked ya!).

Now the funny thing is after I got done sweeping Mr. Comparison out the door.  I ask S about her reading assignment.  She tells me it was on "Auh mobils" (amoebae), Oh man! it was as funny as My dd saying  earlier "I don't like 'buck in knees'  (bikini's) they are to skimpy."

And on that note I sign off. :-)

Seen But Not Heard

School went well for Little Miss Sunshine and horribly for DD1. Same old story one good day for DD1 means she has to have a few bad days after wards to make up for it.  She is still working on her school work.

Little Miss Sunshine did the cartouche  project... Very fun even I joined in and made a tiny one.  We even looked up a Egyptian alphabet and Little Miss Sunshine wrote everyones names in hieroglyphics.  She decided it was hard work to be a scribe.  When her project is finished I'll post it some where :-).  We started 2 part word problems in math today.  Guess who figured it out in one sitting... Sigh.. I should be happy right I got one that gets math and one that we need to do everything rote rote rote who just after 4 years of trying... just figured out her first 2 part word problem on her own  like 2 weeks ago.  I should not compare but Oh some days I wish they were both neurotypical.

Well today is Wednesday which means Sprouts double flyer day woo hoo.  But the store is usually packed with shoppers and I'm deluged with questions, and requests for special treats.  Now we've been doing the Dave Ramsey thing for a while. So my response to the treat requests is always "Did you bring your own money?"  Answer is always no. I keep saying "If I don't have a coupon for it and its not on the list I'm not buying it."   Considering our cars can only be described as Missionary Mobiles, still running by faith.  Even tho we got debt free (but the house) this spring. were still in austerity mode b/c those cars will not last for ever.  Oh I'm digressing again...

Back on track:  My kids have made up this game called Laura Ingalls.  They wander around the house doing things like: hand washing their sheets, hand washing the dishes, at dinner some times they decided to be seen but not heard, speak only when spoken to.  Its hysterical!  I mean if I had put this game together I would be the BBMM  (Big Bad Mean Mommy).  When my DD's (wearing a bonnet, an apron and 3 skirts... you need petticoats you know) asked if they could go to the grocery story dressed up as Laura and Mary... I had a brain storm! I said "Of course but you have to keep playing the whole time I am in the store... and you will be seen but not heard." Muhahahahahah!!!!!    I even said "Get in the wagon girls" when it was time to go.


I have to say I want this to be the NORM! I did my shopping in 45 minutes.. yes ladies I stuck to my list! I came home with left over money! I was able to do math in my head and calculate the best deal.  My silent children trailed behind me. Strangers told them how adorably cute they looked. The check out lady was astonished at how well behaved they were.   I shared the game they were playing with her and she said I wish I had thought that up when I had my girls. I had to confess it was not my game but theirs.  She just started to giggle.   Then I told her I walked into the store 40 minutes before. She looked at my pile of groceries on the counter and at me. *astonished* "That is amazing." she said.

It is amazing! Who knew I spent 45 minutes answering questions and being distracted. I think we will continue to play Laura Ingalls when ever we go shopping.. silence oh the blessed silence.

God is so good too because I normally wouldn't shop till 4:00 pm but today I really felt the need to do it earlier in the day.  Now that it is done when my work out partner called to put back our work out time I can do it instead of saying "No, I can't wait that long." Instead I got my blog written :-) We might even be able to go to the library later on! whooo hoooo!

Not the water again!

Someday's I wish I were a fly on the wall of my kids room in the morning. Today I was wakened to the stomping of my husband feet. He clumped into the room to wake me up, all discouraged and down.  Now that is no way to go off to work!  You see last night I wanted the get the girls used to Daddy not waking them up more independence and use their alarm clock to wake up.  Because I'm  to lazy and grouchy  really tired in the mornings and I just can't handle the drama have Sarcoidosis as my excuse.   Sleep is very important to keeping it in remission don't you know. 

So the alarm went off Little Miss Sunshine hopped out of the upper bunk and turned the alarm off.  Little Miss Grouchy she takes after her mother sat up, heard the alarm stop and plopped back down into bed.  I wonder where she learned that from?  Where upon she promptly fell back asleep. Or faked it really well! 


Little Miss Sunshine had a Little Miss Darkover moment, I've blogged about this before where she decides she needs Be the mama  to wake up her sister and pours water on her, because you know Mom sprinkles her with water I'll use a whole cup, it's faster. You know in 10 years this will be a hysterical anecdote at Thanksgiving dinner, but right now her sister was soaking wet in her P.J.'s and it's not even her fault this time.


My concern here is for Little Miss Sunshine's heart. She is so good and sooo perfect and sooo afraid if she isn't, she will be sent back to China. Although since the mischievous and down right bad behavior is on the rise, I have hope she is loosing that particular view on life.

I could see the issue was pride I have been watching it coming. Last week she gave me the wide eye look of "No Way!" when I told her her sister could help her with borrowing in math, when I was working in the cafe and couldn't stop to help her.  She didn't believe it.  I don't blame her, her sister plays the "Dumb Game" so often even I have to stop myself from playing along as well.  I could she she was setting her self up for a fall.  And like Kevin Lemen often says, Somedays you just have to pull the rug out from underneath them.   This morning I did that.

"Oh so since you are quicker/ faster/ better at doing things, You are the better person?" I asked with that Momma tone of "watch out how you answer" in her voice. "But I am!" didn't pop out of her mouth but her body was screaming it.  I was grinning from ear to ear inside, but outside I was firm with a hint of sympathy.  So because you figure it out right away and your sister has to WORK HARDER at getting the answer makes you better?  Who works harder you or Your sister?  Hey look life isn't fair.  After a long talk about the condition of her heart and a peek into the story of the prodigal son.  With whom I've always related too the stay at home son. Did I just say that out loud?

I assigned her the task of clearing up the messy bed and remaking it. With a firm injunction on no longer touching her sisters alarm clock.  You may NOT turn it off, because if you do she goes back to sleep! 


All this is done in hopes that when Daddy is gone he will be missed less. and Mommy still gets her extra 15 min of sleep in the morning.  

On the other hand doing discipline first thing has it benefits.
School went well today even tho we started 10 min late! DD2 is painting up some horses for a diorama of her DITHOR  book.  She is doing a fantastic job. DD1 got to have recess! since all her Morning work was done woo hoo...  All I have left is about 1 hour of Therapy and DD2 is doing a fine narration!

Another school day...

Last week Daddy was home on Monday, so we had no school Yippie! Friday rolled around and part of me wanted so badly to DO SCHOOL.. so we could start all fresh and clean with a new unit on Monday.

Isn't it funny on the boards I'm always telling other moms: "It's no problem to be on day 3 on Tuesday or day 4 on Monday."   Yet when it comes to practicing it... I still want my life in nice neat boxes.  I'm so drawn to Day 1 being Monday.  Of course a few doctor appointments and  a few mama "sick" days and we will be back on day 1 = Monday.   How funny Humanity is.  Ever think God is laughing at us and how we try to order our world?  I know I laugh at my self all the time.

Now I stuck with Friday being chore/fun day because Daddy is going to be traveling in the future. Since I have no experience with "Normal" family life... all I know is adoption/ developmentally delayed/ spectrum issues/ attachment parenting stuff... Messing up the now sacred schedule would probably equal a horrible school day.  So we stuck with the schedule.   Today DD1 had problems staying on task.  Holding her back from recess got her work finished.

Yesterday I asked her to be sure all her school stuff was in her school desk and things NOT of school were put away.  I talked to her about putting things away in the proper place helps her get her school work done on time and quickly.  She did it. The stuff she took out of that desk that was not school, filled a small tote.  Ha ha ha ha  She did it while "Dad" was watching her as he played his guitar.  You see I find it so funny is because Dad wanted me to give her a spot on MY! (note the selfish my) new book shelf.  Because she didn't have enough room in her desk for all her school stuff. Yet when all her "treasures" were put away there is plenty of room.

It was quite fun today... I asked DD1 to get out her math, her response "It's in YOUR room"  served up with a hint of snottiness and a dash of sardonicism.  To which my response was: Oh really, well go get it. Served up with one arched eyebrow a la spock of Star Trek fame. When she didn't find it there... nor in her desk... yet eventually found it in the therapy back pack where it does not belong... Just made me giggle inside, I mean ask politely if maybe she would like to try this again, or loose a grace token?  After a brief 2 sentence lecture on respect and how she doesn't look really reliable at this moment in time. Because ya know after 2 sentences you start sounding like the voice of the parents on peanuts cartoons Wahhnnt waaa wlaah.

We started afresh from Mom asking A~ please pull out your math work books. She looked me in the eye and said  "Mom I can't find it. Will you help me look for it?" Where upon "I said yes and pulled it out of her back pack."

This bore fruit later in the day! Her history book was missing as well and She actually asked for help the first time around when she needed to admit she couldn't find her book. Now that is Success!

Don't forget to post a comment over at Thomas School Blog She's giving stuff away :-)
http://thomasschooldays.blogspot.com/2011/09/big-plans-underway-12-days-of-christmas.html

The difference a schedule makes

So were doing Preparing Hearts for His Glory with my 3rd grader,  left side of Creation to Christ and Little Giant Steps Therapy program with my older daughter. Some days we weren't finishing before 6pm and I felt like a ping pong ball bouncing between the 2 girls...
I also am trying to fit in working, working out and cooking for the SBP diet. It was leaving me no time to myself.   Yet some days we had no problems finishing. So yesterday after some research and encouragement from lurking on the heart of Dakota boards and chatting with my good friend C.  I needed a schedule.  So while everyone else was enjoying the cool weather yesterday. I was sitting near an open window.  Mindfully thinking over the last 3 weeks. Which days work which one's didn't.  I noticed each day was different which isn't good for my spectrum child.  So how to fit in 40 min of Vesting... all the chores and school, while still giving her free time to enjoy her child hood.

So I checked how long each box is supposed to take and I scheduled each day down to the minute. Each days schedules are now all posted in the living room.  My dd1 dragged her feet and did not do what was assigned. and I held her  in at recess... She was NOT happy. Having to do the work, she choose not to do this morning during recess when out side is actually cool enough to play in. So it's 3pm she is finished with therapy, and she has an hour of free time today.

I don't know why I fought a schedule for so long. I must have a rebellious streak in me still that I don't like pieces of paper telling me what to do. Even if I wrote them down myself. 

DD1 did an excellent narration, did all her math word problems without difficulty.  DD2 had no trouble with any of her work. I was even able to combine Monart art lessons with science note-booking. So the note books look fine.

So I get an hour of time to blog and the kids choose podcast stories to listen to... which is so good for DD1 comprehension!

Good day  Thank You schedule.... even tho I don't like schedules...

Nuro typical day

I love nuro typical days.  When my child acts her age and is calm and NOT freaked out. Not seeking negative attention.  The 4 day program is helping, we have one extra down day in which I too have a more peaceful day. 

I think back and see such changes, now instead of never brushing her hair and trying to be as gross as possible DD1 now spends hours at her dressing table making her hair look ... well pretty to her.  I'm not sure I'm going for the 10 clumpy hairs on one side of her face and 12 on the other, with a bun in the back that is very foofy no other way to describe it.  If you glance at her you wonder if she is a cancer patient then you see the bun. But all in all she looks way better than I did at age 12... If I recall correctly that is the year I brushed my hair in front of my face. So I could  lookout at the world from behind a curtain of greasy hair I rarely washed.  

I was taking a stand against being girly girl, For some reason I despised lace and glitter. I had a jean jacket and a Native American style eagle hung on a chain pull I took off a light. I was in no way concerned with what other people thought and my poor mother despaired of getting me in a dress unless under much duress. 

So all in all I can live with the "But Mom they are side bangs" cancer patient look.  I was pleasantly surprised today while waiting for Daddys' "blessing" of buffalo wings. She shrugged away from us. I didn't make her stay with me as she wandered around looking at all the photos in the lobby.  After a bit she came and asked if I would share my bench which I did. Then she leaned on me and I put my arm around her and we had a happy moment of contentedness.  This is what I anticipated when I said "Yes lets adopt."  When I get one of those moments I cherish it! 

Now I have had her on strict phase 1 foods for the last week. It's getting pretty obvious wheat is not something she should be eating. Sad for her since Naan is so yummy and there are so many food made from wheat that she loves to eat. But she seems happiest and Nuro typical on mainly phase 1 and phase 2 foods. So it looks like another hiatus back in those foods for a while. 

So I went back to work... if only for a few hours

Today I went back to volunteering at GFA in the Cafe. It was super fun to play in the kitchen. I was able to pack up all my kiddos independent work and drag them along with me to the office...

A comment I over heard my girls say this morning:  "Mom looks so nice!"
Ha ha ha  it's amazing how much better I look when I:

• A. Get a shower first thing,
• B. A cup of coffee (decaf),
• C. Put on office appropriate clothing. Instead of a T-shirt and shorts. 

Really girls I could look this way every day but then you would have to go to public school, and day care afterwards. And A~ would probably not make as much head way as she does at home.

I love the portability of Heart of Dakota.  Yes it was 2 fairly heavy bags for just the independent stuff. They were able to get school stuff done then run off an play in the kiddie section while I worked. Ahh the lure of the doll house with ALL the pieces.

I find it very very funny that all the same assignments given at home take upwards to 2 hours but after just one hour all the independent work was done in the office. LOL desire is a strong motivator.  Now I did have to make dd2 review her reading as she skipped what she did not comprehend. It was a cultural thing no point of reference for her. I had to actually demonstrate the concept for her to understand it.

I'm really glad how responsible my girls were today. I love how they are becoming more and more responsible.  Is not our purposes in raising children, to make them independent, lovers of God, and seekers- one who continues their education long after college is graduated-

Wisdom we can learn from a spider

While I was reading our devotional today. A tiny spider crawled out on the page.  Now I don't mind spiders so I blew it off my page... a few seconds later I saw it slowly descending to the floor.  It landed on the floor and began to crawl away.  I moved the devotional and it was air born again...  I gave it a minute and moved  the pages once more... yet again it was pulled from its path.  Not wanting to still be attached to the spider, I broke the connection to my book and he was free.

It got me started thinking how we can leave our troubles behind yet they still seem to haunt us.  They keep us up at night.   Pull us away from the path we are marching on. Yet once a larger being who can see the big picture breaks the bonds that are hampering us we are free.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:36. 

She has stopped counting

And its is a reason for rejoicing. Working on math with my developmentally delayed DD1 is always a challenge. She has so much trouble holding info in her head it makes it hard for her to remember from moment to moment what she is doing.  Not only that but for so long I would have her count up to say 8 and she would count up to 10. She had a difficult time stopping in between the '10' numbers.   For a long time estimation was near impossible. Only through rote memorization of 4-0 means it goes down and 6-9 means it goes to the next highest number, did we manage to pass that hurdle.

Yet as we were doing math today I noticed when she had to skip count to 80 for 80/10 =?  she stopped at 80 and did not proceed to 100 like she has done for years and years and years,and it occurred to me.  She hasn't been doing that all summer.  This is good... this is really good. I think her brain is developing more and more stability. And I think her short term memory has improved. so that not only can she hold more information in her head. She can hold on to it for longer and longer.  She is able to resist the pull of going to the end of the memorization of 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. 80, 90, 100!

I'm really hoping that she is seeing numbers as holding value.  That is the other hurdle we need to get over. Numbers are fluid, and representational, but in her world black is black and white is white and grey is grey not a combo of black and white.  I'm glad I can see improvements in little things. I need to celebrate them in  my mind or I may just fall into despair.

Cough cough cough

I love the 4 day curriculum!!! I was so happy I had a break to day so I could track down much needed paper work for the Dr.

One of my kiddos is in Preparing Hearts for His Glory, and the other is in Creation to Christ (left pages only) both  by heart of Dakota. These programs are 4 day programs. So if they get their school work done and chores done Fridays are actually open for field trips, and I can actually go in and Volunteer At GFA again.  It is takeing a toll on me as it is a longer day for both of them. We still have nuro therapy 5 days a week. And now we have "The Vest"  its a very expensive piece of equipment that makes percussive rhythm to the chest so the lungs can more easily cough up mucus.

I am still in pursuit of "Why has my kid been coughing for her whole life?"  When I was digging through A~'s paperwork I noticed for the first time that she was treated for cough at age 5 days.. yes 5 days... What? Wait why do I not remember this!  But I'm glad I found so many of the reports.  In each and everyone there is a coughing or multiple coughing incidents. Hopefully the Dr can give us a better idea of WHY she always coughs.  THo I do not feel encouraged as to this being a treatable by DR.'s I do still feel it is heal-able by The Healer.

Scared by Big Numbers

We continue to work on 2 step problems here with DD1.  She is still struggling.  We had very easy problems today. Even tho I had her act it out. I could see the sullen I'm so confused look on her face.  This is a different expression from the sullen I don't want to do it look.  Working with the problem  I rephrased it made it a line drawing tried again in a more Visual Math Method.  Once I did that consciousness began to dawn in her head.
Then she was able to actually understand what she is doing. (15 minutes per problem is a bit of a problem).  So we went on to the next problem.  yet again I got the blank sullen stare...

here it is in a nut shell you sell 500 hundred balloons 235 were yellow and 176 were blue, the rest were red.  How many were Red?
DD1: "The Rest."
Ha ha ha ha shes right
Mom: Ok how many were Red?
DD1:  I Don't Know!
this could go on for hours... I went into more detail but I could see. The learning train had left the station and she was not on it...

I tried it with pictures of balloons but she didn't want to wait for me to draw 500 balloons and have her cross out the various amounts... Then I had a memory flash in my mind of how scared I used to be of huge numbers Anything over 10 was HUGE so 235 and 176 were scaring her.
So I reworded it
you sold 5 balloons at the fair 2 were blue and 2 were yellow  how many were Red?
DD1: One Mom... yes!
Mom: Now you sold 500 balloons at the fair 200 were blue and 200 were yellow. How many were Red?
DD1: 100 Mom... ok what did you do
DD1: well 2+2 is 4 and 5-4=1 same thing for hundreds
Mom: so do that same thing on the BIG SCARY numbers...
DD1: oh add the yellow and blue?
Mom: YES!
DD1: And then take the answer away from 500 to get Red balloons??
Mom: YES!
And that is how she did her word problems today 35 min later she had only done 2,  two step word problems  but hey she DID THEM!

Hallelujah

I'm rejoicing today because were nearing the end of DD1's 3rd grade Math word problems book "Hays Math"  I know shes 12 but she has just not been ready/able for anything harder. This book has been slowly upping the difficulty of the problems. When DD1 was tested a few years ago they gave me some insight into her brain. In fact I was told she had NO math processing for word problems. 

Considering at that time she could only hold 3-4 bits of information in her head. I' wasn't surprised.  Since then we have exercised her brain muscles and gotten it to hold (on a good day) 7 bits of information... Ya that's as much as you can hold before you reach for a pencil... wait let me jot down that long distance phone number of 9 bits of information.. 

Anyway I digress I love to digress... 

So today was the big step into 2 step word problems. You know the kind: Harry plays with his friends. From Mark he wins 4 marbles and to Steven he lost 8 marbles.  Harry had 16 marbles to begin with.   How many marbles does he have now.   And if you have some higher math you might write it  like this 

(16-8) +4= 12  or  Step One 16+4= 20   Step Two 20-8= 12 <---- final answer. 

Well these types of problems have been the bane of my DD1's existence. She can't handle that much information. She just stares at the page and looks like Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show.  

Today it was a TV repair man problem how much should she bill... So I asked her to act it out as I read the problem.  She had fun pretending to fix my TV. When it was all said and done. I asked so how do you know how much to bill?  Her reply  2 no 3 no that's not right it's 2 and 3 wait... Mom do I need to ADD to find out  how long I have been here?  Yes Darling Daughter!!!  and what is Step 2 Come on kid you can do it...  Mom Do I multiply  the answer to how much I charge per hour??  YES YES!!! O man YES! 

I was way more excited than she was. She proceeded to write the steps down 1 then 2 then "Mom is this the answer?" "YES!" 

Then my DD1 knowing she has my full approval asks "Can I paint my nails again?" (she did that like 3 days ago but has picked all the nail polish off already *sigh*) Oh ya sure it can be your reward for actually thinking today. 

I think I'll nick name her  Little M... For Little Manipulator... Ha ha ha ha ha... 

Winners and Losers

Some times my Rocky Mom persona comes out. Rocky can tell My kids things they would never listen to from Mom. Besides Rocky has a great philosophy of life, its worth perpetuating.

I give my kids chores it teaches valuable life skills and makes them feel apart of the family. This is critical in to their sense of belonging. Now when my kids use the dish washer they tend to be sloppy and not scrape the dishes. I don't really care because the dishwasher has a special function that grinds up all the old food particles and rinses them away.  Of course eggs on stainless steel, when cooked with out sufficient oil actually creates a chemical bond.  And I Quote "These bonds may be relatively weak van der Waals forces or covalent bonds. Protein-rich foods are particularly prone to sticking because the proteins can form complexes with metal atoms, such as iron, in the pan."  So  even tho it has been washed the pan still has egg on its face.

So I go to make my self a fried potato I love fried potatoes with veggies and ham and a wee bit of cheese all melted together. Yum! But I digress.. so I reach for the iron skillet that lives on the stove top. Oddly it has a lid on it. I take the lid off and it is dirty, Noone has scraped it out nor re-seasoned it. I look at DD2 did you use this last? Uh uh... Thought so, well you need to clean this. I get a phone call and come back she's working on the pan.  So I reach down into the cupboard and pull out a frying pan,  it too is dirty, covered in washed egg.  Who put this dish away?

Ok DD2 looks at ground "me"  now the procedure is if the dishes are put away dirty they both get to hand wash the dishes for a week and no more just loading up the dish washer.  DD2 looks crushed. So Rocky Mom to the Rescue.

Yo Yo whats up wit this? Even in my bachelor days I would not cook outta something as dirty as this is. Do youse want to cook outta this? Here give it a feel.... DD2 eeeewww... ya ya that's like pretty disgusting isn't it. Did  you look at the pan before you put it away? DD2 "no..."  ya you see so now how do you feel?  "Yucky." You feel like a winner or a loser? "A loser."
Ya when we don't take pride in our work we feel like losers. You cheated yourself,  you choose to be lazy.  Where is your pride? You know when they choose me to fight, they picked me because I would loose.  I knew I had a good chance of loosing but did I lay down and let that stop me? No I worked out, I worked hard I took pride in my work. If you give it your best shot and still lose are you a looser? or are you a winner?  Did I put everything I had into it? Yes! Of course I did, Did I win No! I didn't, but did I feel like a looser in the end? NO! I was a winner, the battle was within me not with Apollo Creed. I gave him a run for his money and almost won that fight, but the real battle took place inside.

So what are you gonna do wit this pan?  Yup your gonna wash it and wash it well, make it shiny so yous can see your face in it. Take pride in a job well done.

Oddly enough this put a smile on her face and a spring in her hand and she took that scrubber and made it BE-U-tiful... See Rocky can tell them anything.

Who knew a 6$ lotion could cost over $500.00

My Mommy radar has been pinging all week because I have a missing water bottle.  Where is said full water bottle.. slowly dripping in a corner on the laminate floor? Did it end up in the wash? Is it in her under her pillow causing the mattress to rot.  These questions and more have made me go hunting for the water bottle.  Now you must think I'm perfectly paranoid. ha ha ha ha  Before you think the following description of leaks were accidental, think again.. once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, more than three times is deliberate. 

I found the water bottle this morning... in THE DRAWER.... Ok why all caps and bold you ask?? Well some day I want to sell my house and before I can do that I have to replace the Bathroom vanity.  THE DRAWER is in that bathroom vanity.  In fact I have already bought the new vanity but hesitate to install it. The wet things leaking in THE DRAWER  has been an on going issue... She puts wet things in the drawer so they leak all over everything.  Most of the time the drawer barely moves... the bottom is no longer flat and is now shaped like a U.  But since we have had such a dry summer its actually working again.  

I had noticed her using the drawer a few weeks ago but since it was hair ties etc. I was letting it slide. But today... Just guess where I found that water bottle!!! Yup you got it...  on its side in THE DRAWER. (thankfully NOT leaking) I also found a ripped open package of wet wipes that leaked into the drawer.  

Why does this happen first thing in the morning?  Arrggghhhh is it to late to run into the closet?  I of course had to evict all the junk out of the damp drawer again... the mixture of residue in that drawer is just scary.  I would not put my tooth brush in there... cinnamon tooth gel, mint tooth paste, cucumber/ bubble gum/ pink hand lotion, various hand sanitizer, and facial wash. Yes it has been wiped out each and every time, but each and every spill  has been hidden so successfully that I can't imagine what kind of toxic radioactive stuff has been created but the mixing/layering of these different ingredients. 

In fact My DD's Aunti use to send her nice smelling lotions. When I requested the practice stop for an indefinite period of time.  I got the puzzled look of why can't I give your kid things that make her smell nice?   In fact the lotion gifts did not cease until she actually stopped by for a visit. When given a look into THE DRAWER! and its rather nasty condition (no matter how much you clean it, its still gross). She was Oh MY! That is where all these lotions I send her end up? Yup except when I get to be big bad mean Mommy. Then I confiscate them.   Thanks... no really...  thanks!  You get all DD's gratification for giving her things  I get the bill.  She is going to abuse this junk and I get to clean up the mess all the while being the big bad mean mommy, and you get to be the great and awesome Aunti.  Way to go! woo hoo!!   Himm maybe this is why I'm never really excited about her visits. I love her to pieces but she has NO Idea I get cast the the roll of big bad wolf when she comes around.

Of course the thought  that a $6 lotion you bought her costs me a couple hundred dollars seems preposterous.  Lets see a new vanity, not to mention the cost of tearing out the old and installing the new... which will lead to having to replace the wall paper behind the toilet (oh joy that will be fun!)  and or re-mud and skim the walls and paint, and the floor will need replacing cause the new vanities do not have the same foot print as the old ones.   Really... buy my kid more lotion too destroy my stuff with... Wait can you send me a check for $500.00 that should help with the clean up the money pit DD triggered.

Did you fall in?

So this morning my lazy one didn't get out of bed. I have found the most effective method of rousing her is sprinkling her with water. I asked my youngest if her sister was awake?  Yes, well tell her to get up, and when she didn't little sister flicked water on her face. UH OH...   Fast forward 10 minutes.

Now little sister is hopping outside the bathroom door begging to use the bathroom cause she has to go and since Her and I are still suffering from the effects of food poisoning she is not faking it. Why is big sister taking so long in the bathroom?  Well I need to change my clothing. (no rather  I need to hide my pull up in the garbage, because I'm suppose to take them outside right away, but I'd rather stink up the bathroom. Because that gets mom mad, And hogging the bathroom  that will get my sister back for sprinkling 6 drops of water on me.)   Like I need this at 7:30AM.

Really darling daughter you need to Change IN the bathroom? DD1: I don't want anyone looking at me, *foot is wiggling but actually doesn't stomp* Mom is thinking "Good thing we adopted you then, cause in the orphanage they have general wards, you'd be sharing with 15 other girls" Of course I'm not buying what she is selling because her sister was no longer in the bed room by the time she bothered to get up. Dd's whole body  from the hips downward is wiggling.  Her facial features are screaming outrage and her legs are doing the I want to have a temper tantrum dance.  Who knew she is 12. Ya 12 can you believe it. I know she looks 5 her inner child is trying desperately to get out.

She then says something along the line of: well it's her fault I'm mad she was bossy and told me to get up. (The fact that I had asked her to get up before some how doesn't come into the picture).  SERIOUSLY??  Ya right. I just have a feeling she woke up and decided it was a good day to die and I'm gonna take my whole family with me. This is something a my good friend Mindy use to say.  It's worse than getting up on the wrong side of bed. if I were to make an analogy, getting up on the wrong side of bed  is like a bucket of cold water , and thinking "it's a good day to die" is like napalm. I better throw cold water on her before this gets out of hand.

So to work it out I told her sister, to not throw 6 water droplets on her if she's not getting up. That is my prerogative. And She agreed to Not "watch" her sister getting dressed and would leave if her sister expressed a desire for privacy. And if I ask her to tell her sister to do something she will use the words "Mom says." To avoid the shrapnel of the war her sister has declared on Motherhood.  Of course DD1 may still choose to shoot the messenger but we will cross that bridge it it come to that.

Oddly enough we got NO concessions or compromises or promises out of the walking wounded DD1, she just has to find the word Misunderstanding in the dictionary and write it out a few times. I didn't ask for any because I think she would just break those promises.  Follow through is not her forte.  I can't help but point out to DD1 that this war she is waging has only one casualty, and its not me or her sister or her father. Talk about self inflicted wounds. 

Essentially DD1 wanted to get Mom all fired up so she could feel sorry for herself and then say "See no one loves me I'm not really wanted in this family see! see! I was right! My life with my first family would be so much better."  The problem is Mom doesn't get fired up anymore (I think I'm just so tired of it all). In fact I haven't in a very very long time.  (Now that I said that I probably will next week *sigh*). I so let go of my hopes (or should I say fantasy) of what adoption is. At this point if she will just give herself permission to be happy I'd be happy. If she would just feel safe with us so she don't feel like she has to manipulate her world.  It would be so much better for her.  If she had just communicated to me "Mom I feel my sister is being bossy." would have put paid to the whole situation. Alas having an expectation of that seems to me to be setting the bar to high.

Drawing with Children

Recently we started using Monarts Drawing With Children method. Those great ladies over at HOD board recommended this book. Then Jan at Little Giant Steps added it to A~l's program. Talk about synchronicity!   I have been so excited to see the results.  Every time I sit down with them to draw one or the other of my children complains that "This project is to hard!"  then at the end they are so excited to see the results.  "Wow Mom I did it."

 I love this book!

One how it matches my philosophy on art.  

Two how it breaks things down into very simple steps. 

Three how my children are learning to "see" the world though an artistic lens. 

Here is the last thing we did which was an old milk bottle, some zinnia's and weeds from the garden.  I let them use their imaginations when coloring the bottle and the flowers. One choose markers the other colored pencils.  The hard part was getting them to let go of "It must look exactly like the vase/flowers/leaves."  Once they let go of the Ideal of Super Realism. They had so much fun and did a great job! 

Which picture is true.

So today I did an exercise with my kiddos.  They were supposed to draw a picture of what their life would be like if they had never been adopted.

It’s interesting to see what they drew.  One child drew a picture of a grave and her Mom and her sister crying next to it.  The other drew a picture of her and her Mom dancing. But Mom had been scribbled out twice, because “I drew her too small.”

Wow I’m sure your thinking one of my kids is loopy to draw herself in a grave, while the other one is dancing with her mom.  Odd thing is the one who drew herself as dead is my very attached one, not the one with all the issues. You see she understands that most likely she was abandoned due to the fact that her medical problems were beyond the ability of her parents to pay for her medical care and considering she spent 3 weeks in a hospital which saved… her... Life… She has a realistic picture of what happened in her abandonment and adoption.     

The one dancing  with her Mom, well earlier in the day she also drew a picture of her first Mom as crying begging her daughter to come home to her cause she misses her daughter so much…  Her mothers’ culture would not tolerate an unwed mother.  Things like “honor killings” happen to single pregnant ladies.  The fact that she survived to be born shows great liberation of her first grandparents mind.  But the plight of Mom’s without fathers in her culture is a bleak one.  Living in the slums is a much more realistic plight.  Being label a ____ child.  Zero chance of an education.  How do you tell this child that you can see in her paper work she was shown to family after family in her home country and no one choose her.  

Even widows in this culture are vilified forced to wear white and blamed for the death of her husband.  So First Mom couldn’t even fake she was a widow.    My dd is aware of the plight of widows and single parents, being in the ministry brings her face to face with the reality of life in her home country.   Yet she discounts it all "No! that will not happen with Me and My first mom."  (DD is swimming in de-nile.)

I keep turning back to Sherrie Eldrige’s insights into adoption, I really feel her birth mom was really scared about this pregnancy because My dd spends so much time being scared about everything.  She hides things and her emotions.  I can just see her first Mom hiding her pregnancy and how she felt.   I see it in the eyes of my child every day.

Odd isn't it.  From the first look the picture that looks happy shows a child who still lack the understanding about her adoption.  Fantasy and denial still reign in her heart. Whereas the scary picture of a death, shows how the second child although younger has the greater understanding of her situation and how it is something to be sad about, and something to be happy about.

Success??

So I had a long talk with my dd1 about her finger picking… Yes my child picks at her fingers.  It’s a nervous habit that she knows annoys me. So she does it for comfort and because it has bugged me in the past and it may still bug me today.   How putting oneself in pain is comforting I do not understand I just know it happens.  

Today she admitted with tears in her eyes she wants to stop but she just can’t seem to stop herself. So I’m trying stickers and labels on glass jars. Any time she wants to finger pick she can come to this bin of recyclables and pick the labels off the jars.  If there are no jars I have a few glass containers with stickers stuck all over them.   Hopefully this will give the same sensation of picking without doing injury to herself.   

It’s Odd we all have these types of self-destructive behaviors but as Adults we excuse them…
Some I have heard in my life time.
I'm not an alcoholic I'm a Social Drinker…
I Eat for comfort, even tho I’m on cholesterol lowering medication.  
I’m angry so I can drive fast if I want to.
I’m not going to wear my seat belt.
I can grow Pot for myself in my basement I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

My ultimate goal is to train up my child to respect her body and her heart. To see she is worthy of being loved. I fear deep down inside she is has an inward struggle of. My first family didn’t want me. I don’t  feel wanted so no one not even myself feels like I want Me.  I must be Unloveable.  Sometimes I feel it is my job to instill a deep understanding of Gods love for her, And how much we love her no mater how much she pushes us away. 

So many times it truly is 2 steps forward and one step backward. Every time I see improvement she seems to turn around and flee the success.  As if succeeding is scarier than failure.   In some ways it is you know...  if one is a failure no one can expect you to be better than you are right now. But if you succeed then people will continue to expect good things from you.  

Everything I needed to know about Psychology, I could have learned from Little House on the Prairie.

I’ve been reading articles written by Laura Ingalls Widler in the years before she was the famous author of the Little House books.   I’m beginning to feel like Anne of the “Green Gables” in that here is a woman who thinks like I think, feels like I feel, and hopes like I hope.  In a phrase “A kindred spirit.”    Who knew I could feel so connected to someone writing in the early 1900’s.  She is forthright, not afraid to be a woman and not afraid of man’s heavy labor if called upon to do it.  She appears to be a bit of a feminist but not so far gone as to be annoying.   

I love how she sees the good in people.  Also like her,  I do not like being beholden to someone.  When she talks about how strangers came to a barn raising (Rocky Ridge Farm) she did not know how she was to pay them back. She inevitably accepted the help but in her heart she was dismayed at having to!  I so get that.  But in a similar turn of her heart she realizes this is just how it is in this community and she accepts and eventually embraces the way this community functions.

One article was devoted to understanding.  Long before I ever went to college and learned about Jung and paradigm shifts... Laura Ingalls had it all worked out.   In this article she expounds our need as humans to seek understanding. How when we do not understand what is going on. We can fall into gossip about our neighbor.  To us they look as if they are doing nothing! Or to us they look like they are being too hard on the child. When in reality, what our understanding is,  is nothing near the truth of the matter.  

She uses an example and shows outside looking in and inside looking out.  The motivation and reasons behind the actions were innocent and pure. Yet from the outside it looked harsh and unreasonable. Then she talks about how once we understood the reasoning behind the action we no longer though as we once did.  What I learned in college as the Paradigm Shift. 

I love how she reminds us to mind our own beeswax, and think the best in people, not assume the worst, and above all to not gossip. 

Overheard Adopted kids

My girls are talking about how much they hate answering adoption questions. They are funny! 

So if some one askes you where are you from?  You say the United States and if they keep asking No No where are you from?  We'll say "I'll tell you but its will cost you a dollar."  tee hee hee.  

How bout if they keep asking?? We ask if they are from Scotland?  yeah yeah that is funny. Tee hee hee

DO you EAT with Chop Sticks?   Yes, but only gummy bears...   more giggling... 

Where is your real Mom...  in the United States ... no no I mean your real Mom...In Texas ... no no your REAL MOM.... My real Mom is right over there!!    Ha ha ha ha   More giggling.... 

DO you EAT with Chop Sticks?   Yes, but only popsicles   Ha ha ha ha ha 

Is that really your sister Yes, but she drank to much chocolate milk when she was younger.   More giggling. 

What else is brown that I can eat?  Dunno... Chocolate ice cream?  Laughter..   

Do you EAT with CHOPSTICKS???   ha ha ha Yes but only Jello... Ha ha ha 

Seriously 

Have you ever had anyone ask after just meeting you Any of these questions? 

Where are you from?

When you tell them your current town.  They are annoyed that you didn't give your family heritige?  And pursue knowing where in the whole world your family orginated?  No that hasn't happened to you has it... Happens to my kids almost every time we go out in public. 

Why Don't you look like your Mom? Because She doesn't wear makeup... 

Where is your real Mom?*

Duh standing over there? no no your real Mom.. What you can't see her?  Maybe you need glasses!

Why did your Mom not want you? *

I have 2 Mommies that love me and you only have one.. tisk tisk ... maybe you need two mommies too, so you stop asking silly questions.

Your Adopted?  How awful...  (kids)  How sweet... You must be really lucky (adults) 

Why does our culture see adoption as second best? As Lucky? Like they should be grateful they have a family... Seriously these kids straddle TWO cultures and  TWO families. Its not luck or sweet or awful... One of the Adoptees at Camp Wrote a note in big Bold Letters "ADOPTION IS NOT A BAD THING!"   I wonder who he was talking to? 

*This is common among children. Please educate them! That these questions are bad manners. These questions are very painful for international  adoptees to answer. Typically THEY DO NOT KNOW!  and ask them selves this every day... 

Ok I'll  get off my soap box for the day. 

Anger it only hurts you.

A few years ago I was checking out at Target and the checkout girl was a mass of seething anger. Since no one was behind me I asked her “Are you Ok?”  She poured out her story of anger and frustration to me.  When it was all done, I looked her straight in the eye and said “Let your anger go, it is only hurting you.” She was astonished; it was obvious she had never thought about anger quite like that before.  I asked her some introspective questions. “Does your friend get all hepped up when she see you? Is her face all red because you walk in the room?  Who is the one getting upset here, her or you? You need to forgive her and let it go!”    She was dumbfounded. I could see her processing this nugget of wisdom God had pounded into my head so many times.

When I look at my own life and all the things I get angry about.  Let’s see I cloth them in these words:
                I’m feeling misunderstood, or they hurt my feelings.
                I was right, don’t they see that?
                If they had done it the way I know how, it would be done already. 

But at the heart of these things is: My Pride and My Selfishness and My Superiority.  Then God swoops down and holds a mirror up to my life. All my resentments, anger and pride crumbles into a heap of conviction.  Then I must let whatever “it” is go.  As yet again I realize I am a sinful mess that is only saved by God’s Grace.  

It’s strange how often it is the little things that get us all hepped up.  Then we hold on to it, nurture it, talk to our friends about it, replay it over and over in our minds.  When what we need to do is give it to God. I know some people call it “putting it on the alter”, But in my mind I have always seen The Father as I see my own father. Someone I can go to, sit in His lap and dump all my problems on.  I have a childlike conviction, He can fix it. Many times I don’t like the task he gives me to fix it. Just like any child who has messed up.  James 4:6 has been one of my life verses  “But he gives greater grace. Therefore it says ‘God opposes the proud but he gives grace to the humble.’”  Humility is often the only key you need to make a relationship work.

As I talked to the checkout girl I could see her processing what I had told her.  She decided then and there to forgive her friend. She said I’ll do it! All my other friends will be mystified but I’m going to be the “adult” in this situation.  As she forgave, I saw her filled with such joy and freedom that comes from letting ourselves out of the prison anger creates in us.

On the home front, I was so discouraged last month I wrote to my friend Anne who gave me such pearls of wisdom. Thank you Anne for your wisdom.  I had been struggling with A’s progress because all I could see was one tree in the forest.  Her evaluation was last week and I was feeling inadequate, and selfish.  This whole attitude of: I want my life back. When will therapy end? Is it doing any good?  Are we really making progress?

Then I saw A swim in a cross body patterned movement. This is a fancy way of saying her right leg and left arm move in unison to make a perfect swimming stroke.  I hadn’t seen that before in swim class!  Then God sent M and others to tell me how much different A is these days.  And then she had her evaluation. Altho she is still stuck in in her reading comprehension, she has made huge leaps in social skills, and math has come up to the 5^th grade level.  So we still have things we need to work on but Yes therapy is working!

Are our lives acts of worship?

I have been looking back at our life as Missionaries, I was remembering today, when my friend Karen talked to me after church. The house was sold and in boxes. She said ”Your really going.. you know what this makes you - A Missionary.” She looked at me so very differently. It was a bitter sweet moment. I knew I would miss all my friends yet there was no denying the call of God in our life. As she looked at me, there was a gleam in her eye, I had never seen before. It was like she was looking at me with new eyes. Some how I had changed by taking this step of faith.

I didn't feel any different, I know I didn't look any different. I knew and still know I am an imperfect, erring human. Yet I have never forgotten that moment. It was as if I had crossed a threshold and there was no going back.

This call we have on our lives, it is to serve Asia. The call is hard to describe it's like one clear cobalt blue note of pure joy. Some day I'll share that moment with you. It gives one direction and I'm so grateful to God for burdening my husband with the same call. I can't imagine trying to pull this cart without him by my side...

You know we have 2 adopted children who are a joy, a blessing and yes even sometimes a burden to us. For a long time I desired children, I lived with that obsessiveness one gets when one is infertile. I was a barren woman holding out empty arms for God to fill. Will you believe me?,  when I tell you, my call is even more over powering. I cannot picture our lives not poured out for Jesus, serving behind the lines, so others can serve on the front lines. I know I'm not always as focused or as prayerful or as humble as I should be. I'm still that very erring human after all.

I was reminded during Sunday service that worship is not only the waving of our hands, and singing of songs. No... its not..... is it?,  Joe taught me that lesson long ago, as we served together, caring for the rambunctious 2 year olds, that our acts of service are as much worship to the Lord as any song we sing. Can you picture a day where people walk from one worshipful act to another?  I wonder do we have to wait for heaven? Or can we have that attitude right here right now. 

Ahh a new year

Well its another year and the garden is bleak and bare. More so than usual, due to SNOW. Yes snow!, it snowed twice in 2009! I'm putting the blame on all the GFA kids who were praying for a white Christmas, (mine included). My roses that shelter near the house usually give me roses in December had poor frozen rose buds on it. It was 70° just 2 hours before it suddenly got cold brrrr.

Our family had a fun christmas as we went to friends houses and carolers came by and gave us cookies! I love the family feeling here. Skype is keeping us in touch with our families, when and if we can pull the kids away from the novelty of seeing themselves on the computer. Technology is so amazing I feel like were living in the Jetsons cartoon

L~ is progressing well with homeschool. I have promoted her to 2^nd grade. She has finished her phonics book and seems to need more math than a regular child. So she is way ahead in her math book, How can I refuse when she begs to do more math. She has started to read all those lovable Dr. Suss books all by herself! She is so happy and sweet. Today as we were going to the store she asked Mom do you feel better today? And I said yes L~ I feel great today. Oh good Mom I prayed for you today that you would feel good.. Now isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard. I love how she reads her bible and prays because she loves to.

We have a new member of the family his name is Dapper and He is L~'s dog... he is very timid with the rest of us but follows her around like she is his Mommy. The rest of the family would love it if he put his fears aside and played with us too. He is warming up to the rest of us, but slowly.

A~ has had a few evaluations at school as she is not on target for her age level, but she loves Special Ed and all her teachers. I get so many compliments on how well mannered and cooperative she is. The teachers at Vista are really working hard with her, and we really appreciate all of them. A~'s smile has been shining though lately shes been more focused and able to do her chores without constant supervision. She is self starting on her homework and seeking help when she is stuck. Keep praying it is helping! Daddy was a huge help in doing therapy over the christmas break. I got a mini vacation as he wanted to cook as well. So props to Hubby he is a really good guy!

I have been blessed by being able to do some projects for work at home. I just love the work they have been giving me. Its great to dip my toe in the graphic art world again and discover its like riding a bike once you learn you can just start up again. I had a great refresher course from Mike and then I was able to jump back in. Its been super fun when I can keep Little Miss. Busy occupied.

Saturday Morning Bear

Ah yes another Saturday another story.

I'm feeling kinda sick and spent yesterday doing nothing of value. Since I was so uncomfortable hubby decided the couch would give him a better night sleep.  Sleeping with me last night was like sleeping with maracas. Yes you have my permission to feel sorry for him.  You can feel sorry for me too but I actually got sleep last night....

So round about 2:30 AM L gets up scared... her head itches so it must be lice! NOT!  So she crawls in A's bed. (what a reason to crawl into bed with your sister, "I think I have lice lets spread it around!!!")  L sleeps without covers and A sleeps under 3 blankets. Can you guess what happened next? L strips the bed of covers because she's hot. Poor A she's asleep fumbling around for her covers pulling them back up but they are stuck...    Nothing like a sleeping fist fight (you have heard of sleep walking and sleep eating now its sleep fighting)  to wake Daddy Up.   Then Daddy makes mistake Number 1, he tried to find out what happened. he asked "Why are you scared?" a few to many times.  And mistake Number 2 allows L to cuddle till she is asleep on the couch with him.  This doesn't work with L, if she is the least bit uncomfortable she wakes up. She also blames you for waking her up, when she does wake up. Oi Poor Daddy every time he got some shut eye L is checking to see if he is awake and that she is safe.  

I have found it is best to put a time limit on the cuddly wuddly time. Taking care of yourself is the best choice. When your kid keeps you up all night, your totally useless for them the next day. Being a totally useless half asleep growly parent doesn't breed confidence in your children.

I have had this happen  the all night I'm scared, and I don't know why nights. I'm so glad L is 6 and is a reasonable child. When I set out a  reasonable argument as to why Mama needs her sleep she accepts it.  Typically I use the  If Mama bear doesn't get enough sleep she is a grrrowly bear in the morning argument. Then I give her 15 min cuddly wuddly time and tuck her back in bed, with a prayer and a song and a strong stuffed animal, like the big bear or the lion.  Then we talk about how the animal will protect her from the imaginary monsters of the night. It is the silliest of ideas but to a child it is perfectly reasonable.  The monsters aren't real and the stuffed animal isn't really real so one can protect you from the other. 

So now we have a grumpy cries at the slightest perception of unrightousness (is that a word?) child and a hubby who has had 3 cups of Komoto Dragon coffee this morning to wake up. I'm really tempted to drop a big dictionary just to make them both jump.  Where as A and I are chipper and ready to face the day! Woo hoo!  

The one thing I have the hardest time dealing with is remembering that these children are traumatized and some times their fear is inarticulatable (is that a word too?). They cannot express what makes them afraid.  They don't want to re-live those horrible moments of being abandoned, or explore those feelings. I'm sure my illness and being sick brought about the fear in the night.  The loss these children have felt is a constant worry, no matter how well behaved and secure they seem there is a deep loss that only can be filled with the secure knowledge of the love of Jesus.  The trust issues in these children run deep.  

When L and I were talking this morning. I would not assure her I would always be "OK" because anything can happen and wreck our plans for our lives. She can be sure that I will do my very best to be "OK" and be her Mom for ever after.  Lets face it this kid most likely was told Daddy will be right back, just wait here for me, and he never came back.  Saying I will always be OK, sets up a paradigm for loss again and a lack of trust to be built.  Our lives are always on the edge of a knife.  How many times a day does God protect me from a poor driver or my own stupidity.  The smell of gas last week could have been an explosion, it wasn't and it was fleeting but accidents happen every day. I try not to make a promise I'm not sure I can keep.