Requested Voluntary Letters - Ironic? Yes!

The word ethics is meandering though my brain today.  I began to be concerned by the standards of morality that I didn't agree with, stuff that happened to us at GFA in our last year.   I will serve up to you two examples today that made me pause and think.

When the Diaspora letter came in accusing leadership of hurting people, leadership put out a call for staff to voluntarily write the board letters of support. I thought about it, but we were already praying about leaving as we had some concerns, and I didn't think our voice was needed.  We went on with our lives, till' the night before the letter deadline. Right as we were about to go out for a "date night" we got a call from Danny.  In a nutshell, we had not submitted a letter of support and we needed to because it would make "some people" upset if we didn't.  I gave My Knight in Shining Armor the Look.   How many date nights will GFA disrupt in our marriage? Really?  So we sat down and hashed out a letter we could agree with.  I look back and at the time I did believe in leadership, that they would apologize and humble themselves if wrong doing had occurred.  Our letter pointed out that GFA is not a "missions organization" it's not your average non-profit but rather it is a Religious Order.  I felt much of what the ex-staffers didn't understand came from a "this is a mission" point of view not "this is a Religious Order" point of view.  We were not exactly nuns and monks in habits, but to us an Order is not a business and thus will be governed differently.  Our letter also said following your call was not for the faint of heart.  It was not all butterflies and sunshine Oh look a Rainbow Unicorn!  

cliparthut.com

The next example follows the same lines.
As a PR move GFA.org put up a campus life section on the web, full of glowing testimonies of how staff loved GFA.  These testimonies were solicited at a Tuesday night prayer meeting and again were "voluntary."  Again we did not write anything. Again we received a phone call from Danny requesting us to write a bio/testimony but this time we were given instructions on what it should say. The first paragraph needed to state we had collage degree's and had been professionals in the workforce prior to our coming to GFA. I think, but am not sure, they were trying to combat  an accusation they didn't like college educated people. 

My husband and I wrote what we believed, but again it was not all rainbows and butterflies.  The last paragraph really expressed my heart, it was a realistic view of the ministry.  The editor cut down our testimony (we expected that) and what I noticed is she took out all the balance, it became a fluff piece. Worst of all she wholly eliminated the last paragraph. My knight picked up his lance and went to battle with the editor for that paragraph to stay in the testimony in some form, to be included.  I did not want us to be portrayed as starry eyed rose colored glasses "sheeple" christians.  Standing our ground, we did get the realistic part of our testimony put back in.

When the page was up I got a sugar rush as I read through glowing testimony after glowing sugar coated testimony. A few here and there were balanced, but most were rainbows and butterflies.

Ethics come to mind because our letters were in essence coerced from us. We dropped everything to tow the party line for the good of the ministry. I do not know what the board was told about these letters, but GFA at large believed if you sent one in it was voluntary and not required. I worried, did the board know our letter was asked for not given freely?

My husband was feeling empty with no joy in the work. I was noticing rules instead of trust everywhere and although I could continue to justify leaderships behavior to myself and my friends, the patterns were emerging.  Why was trust replaced by a rule but trust never seemed to be extended again after everyone was in line?

Many of the testimonies are gone now as so many people left the ministry since January 2015. Maybe if the letters came about voluntarily more people and Board Members would still be at Gospel for Asia.

Not Silent

I've been thinking quite a bit on last weekend and how my blog went crazy. I got so much positive feedback from people saying, "You are saying what I am thinking","Your experience is the same as mine".

As I'm sorting through my emotions our family therapist was so polite, instead of saying your emotional from the immense amount of transitions you and your family have experienced  in the last 4 months ...  she said "Your emotions are dis-regulated."  You gotta love her!

I have not come to the conclusion that the easy path would be to put it all behind us. Least said soonest mended!  First Peter 4:8 comes to mind. At GFA I recall David Carroll serving this verse up (I'm paraphrasing) that if we are noble enough to love another, we protect our brothers and sister by covering their sin and not exposing it.  This is so reasonable, so easy to swallow.  Who would want their sin to be exposed? Not me! Do you?  Inherently we are human and want to keep the ugliness of our lives from being exposed.  It sounds so good doesn't it, I don't expose my family to pain by covering the sins with love.  This covering is a action of love ergo if I love my family I keep sin a secret.

But we have a family rule of No secrets. (This protects our kids from predators).
How do I reconcile this?

I believe this is one place that spiritual pain/confusion is originating from.  Here is a sampling of the thoughts running around my brain:

I love my GFA family "covering sin" loves them.
We are all sinners I need to forgive.
I don't want to hurt my GFA family.
If I stay quiet they won't hurt me.
If I speak out I have to show the world my errors and eat humble pie.
It's so easy to be silent.
It is what leadership desires.
Christ is my leader not man, I need to follow only him.

I wonder how many other ex-staffers are feeling this way?

I felt like a hamster in the running wheel, my thoughts whirl around me, running running but getting nowhere.  Much energy was spent on this thought train. Until the wedding dis-invite I thought if I stayed quiet they wouldn't hurt me or my family. I was wrong. That kicked me out of the infinite loop and into new thought patterns.

We left when we felt our integrity was at stake.  Core value number 2: Being a people of integrity and excellence.   I see the pain in my Knights eyes, how he feels like he has wasted 12 years of our life. How he feels like he has lied to people.  It had become a burden to him.  He believed in what we were doing so strongly. How could our leaders who hold these core values do this to him?

I know not all of these core values are going to be upheld at all times, we are human after all.  Deep in my soul I felt grieved each time my community did not show trust to us. For example this post  The Joy Thief  which I was "encouraged" but not required to take down because it "hurt people" and not "good for the ministry at this time." I find it so ironic that what got us thinking about trust and how important it is to any business for profit or not, was books from the ministries library.  (This library is full of required or recommended reading and only contains books the president has read himself.)

We used to check out a book before a long trip and I would read it to my husband. This is following the example of my parents. My mother always read to my father while he drove and discussed the material. My father and her had lively discussions every road trip we took.  Little did we  know we were bucking the norm at GFA. Leadership wives are encouraged to NOT be at all interested in the inner workings of the stuff at the top.  I recall KP coming to me after a Tuesday night prayer meeting  to encourage me about the report my husband had turned in.  He told me it was wonderful and I should be proud of him. I laughed and mentioned how I managed to cut it down by 6 pages, so he didn't have to wade though so much verbiage. His head came up and he stared at me. So I continued and said "You don't think anything hits your desk without me proof reading it do you? He is so wordy." His response was Ohhhh...

Later on when my husband was peremptorily assigned to the Ministry Leadership Team one of the things KP told leaders as Standard Operating Procedure to do was to not tell their wives anything regarding stuff at the top.  Is this the CIA???   I recall from the pulpit KP declared he never told Gisela anything, none of the burdens of his leadership were shared with her.  It was off putting to me, and made me understand KP's response to my "proof reading/editing of my Knights reports. Ohhh we bad... We didn't roll that way, our marriage is based on love, trust, and respect.  It is not respectful to say to your wife "Don't worry your pretty little head" while patting it, this is 2015!  This attitude of keeping people in ignorance further drives wedges in between groups, husbands and wives, men and women, ministry and church. I could see deep down a pattern of distrust that was repeating.

I could not shake the distrust displayed from the top and the core values we were all trying to follow.
Source: gfa.org

1. Knowing the Lord Jesus more fully and intimately
2. Being a people of integrity and excellence
3. Living in submission to God’s Word
4. Being a people of faith
5. Being a people committed to prayer and worship
6. Having a servant lifestyle
7. Being a people of grace and love
8. Serving sacrificially
9. Being a people sold out to win the lost at any cost
10. Being a people who work together with the Body of Christ

If you cannot trust people reaching for such lofty goals can you really trust anyone?

Unfinished...

I unpacked a box 10 days ago and found a long lost friend.

Some people like My Utmost for His Highest but I have always loved this little book "What I Learned from God While Quilting."

I grabbed it sat down and cracked it open at random. I read a great story about a multi generational quilt.  The grandma started it, hand stitched neatly, then there were other patches not so neatly hand stitched by the daughter, and then some machine stitched. The story went that Grandma had started it and the UFO (UnFinished Object for the non quilters out there),  kept getting handed down.  Now the author had it in her house and she took the trouble to put it altogether and finish it.

Later on that day my Knight and I were discussing how sad it is that I did not get to make a quilt for the wedding that was up and coming, because of the insanity that has been our life for months. I don't always make a quilt for weddings..but God was tugging at my heart.  I kept thinking maybe a stack and whack.. or just big blocks there must be a "weekend" quilt I could at least attempt.  I have this set of fabric I have been dying to use in a quilt all set aside, tucked in a ziplock bag. Maybe if I dropped everything I could get that one done.  I spent a day looking for all the quilting boxes but it was not in any of them. All that ripping apart my garage, oh what a mess.  Sad I could not find my fabric I put the idea aside and went back to unpacking the closet.

Then I opened up one box I had not unpacked last July, and in it were quilt squares. I joggled my brain, where did these come from? All the squares were complete but not all had boarders. Here as in the devotional was a UFO. I knew it wasn't mine, because it was a scrap quilt. The fabric was a mix of chintz, polished cotton, could this be linen??  Some looked new, some looked worn like the had been cut from a garment and the border was polyester. One shouldn't use man made fabric in quilts it doesn't last as long as God made fibers. I knew then I had not worked on this item. A vague memory came to me of Luci giving me this project telling me she would never finish it. As I started to sort the patches some were made with fine even hand stitches others were uneven and crooked. It harkened back to the  devotional... then it hit me what a perfect opportunity and how fitting. A GFA staffer had given me this UFO why not keep it "in the Family?" I was excited, what a gift God had given me. I could give them a quilt, a multi generational quilt! I went back in the garage and dug out thread, bobbins, and batting. I got one of my backing pieces of fabric. Sat down with graph paper and figured it out. I thought at first I would need to do plain 'ol big blocks in-between the squares, but math proved me wrong. I could get a nice couch snuggle blanket out of what I had in the blue borders. The others were bordered in a rusty orange... orange and blue side by side  *shudder* just a bit too much color vibration there...    

Setting all my "work" aside but the most important things (cooking, cleaning, school, and candy crush... ha ha ha), I went to work. I love quilting I'm not the best at it, but it is so peaceful. This creating "stuff' out of scraps and color. If you care for it properly, it lasts a lifetime.  I find myself dialoging with the Lord as I sew, praying over the family I'm giving the quilt too, when I'm not being disrupted by the kids or listening to Ear Biscuits...  

As I tooled along it came together quickly, Yeah!  I got it done on Thursday afternoon way earlier than I anticipated. I sat down and wrote a letter about the journey this quit had taken to the bride and groom. I then wrapped it up in ribbon and set it aside, marveling at how quickly it finished, so happy.

Friday morning with sadness, but no regrets I ended up shipping it to the address I had for the couple.  Sadly because of the dis-invite yet I felt so strongly that the Lord had led me to do this for them, it was my desire to show my love.  The box hopefully got to them on Saturday like the Pack and Ship clerk said it would. I hope they enjoy it for as long as it will last. In my letter I did give instructions on the care and keeping of this quilt. Since it has a mix of old and new fabrics, with a mix of polyester and only the Lord knows what else. It will need tender loving care if it is to last a life time.

It is such a perfect example of marriage, a patchwork of new and old, strength and weaknesses, man made ideals and God made ideology sewn together with the cords of love, respect and trust. Marriage  is something beautiful, it is strong and yet fragile but if cared for properly it will last lifetime.

I leave you with this verse: 

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. 

~ Ephesians 4:31-32

I Am Humbled by Your Love.

Yesterday when I posted about our dis-invitation I knew I was taking a big step.  In no way did I want to hurt anyone involved.  Random thoughts running around my head on Friday needed to be spoken out loud.  I had intended to publish my blogs quietly and not link to them but let them stand as a silent witness to my hurt and pain. This is my online journal yet when I published my post yesterday I did knowing I would see people drop off my Facebook friends list. In fact I was so curious to know how many would drop me I took note of my current friend total. I'm giggling today because I keep getting more and more friend requests but the tally is +2,  some are dropping off but others who feel I have given them voice are joining in.

The Love that has been poured out on my Facebook board has blown me away. The testimony my friend C posted about our relationship brought me to humbled tears that I was able to make such a difference in her life.

I kept feeling that I had no voice, what I did feel was "fear to speak against leadership." There is a deeply felt need to stay quiet.  As I said yesterday on Facebook Karyn Purvis speaks of "Felt Safety" as a place where children from hard places can find healing. One way we can help them find that safety is to give them voice.  I know we are not children but I could not hide from this thought that I needed to give voice to myself and others who have walked this lonely road of moving on from GFA.

I told some good friends of mine a month ago that I had no axe to grind with GFA. I had left and I did not feel the need to speak out or speak up. But "maybe" "some day" post my blogs. In fact the day I back posted my blog Praying for Leadership  the phone rang almost immediately and my heart lept up and throttled my amgdalya with "Oh no David Carroll has seen it and he's calling me to take it down." It wasn't him but my reaction of "fear" hijacking my brain, gave me pause. I knew to move on, to move forward from fear was to face it. I never intended to land on patheos though I knew there was a possibility it might happen.

To Warren Throckmorton, Thank you for your kind words. My knight and I are experiencing so much freedom and joy and dancing in the moonlight, amidst the grief and pain of our summer. God is so good and gracious to us may his blessing be upon you and may you shine God's light to those in dark spaces.

Let the shunning commence! (tongue in cheek)

So in typical GFA male dominated mentality, I get an email Thursday night sent to my inbox but addressed to my husband. In a sorrowful tone we are asked (by the groom not leadership directly) to not attend Saturdays wedding because we would be a distraction.  And by the way your wife and kids shouldn't come either... Yet this email was sent to the unnamed Wife's email account. Anyone else see the irony in this? An email sent to the wife account but not even addressing her by name shows so much about the mentality women lived with within GFA.


There is that buzz word "distraction" read "not sanctioned" by GFA. What precipitated this piece of discourtesy? Well this article from Christianity Today where my husband is gentle in his "critique" of the ministry, and what precipitated our leaving.  In my blog here I mention it feels like a divorce.   This is what happens in divorce. Here we aren't allowed to show love to the happy couple because of human immaturity.  I guess "Can't we all be adults about this?" doesn't apply here because my husband decided to stand up and be counted.

I am reminded of the quote "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Edmund Burke (I'm not saying GFA is evil, but there is something wrong and it needs to be addressed).

I'm trying to wrap my mind around how much we didn't know, how much my pride was wrapped up in the fruit on the field, of the 100% goes to the field designations.

Throckmorton asked the question in May/ June? (when I was studiously behaving and obeying leadership and not reading him).  How were people within the ministry taking the news of smurfing and the 19.8 million gift.  Well I blogged at the time but didn't make it available to the public.  Here is that post The time of silence is over.  These are my feelings and emotions, of how I was reacting. This is my journey, it was so hard because I Love leadership, I truly care for them. But can no longer live with my choice to follow. My eyes were opened and they could not be shut again.  Our family's therapist took time with me Friday to discuss this bittersweet emotion of being disinvited.  I have to live day in and day out with my choices. If I can't love myself because of shame in my choices I have no one but me to blame. I cannot control the choices of others.

I spent a lot of time alone during the last few weeks at the ministry masking my feelings mainly because I saw those that didn't hide get "publicly shamed." I was so grateful to The Lord for my knight to be essentially courted and handed a job on a platter. Many times The Lord has to be amazingly obvious to me. My heart was so entrenched and that dug out the last root.

I can see why leadership always tosses out exstaff are bitter. As I talked to the therapist she pointed out this action was extremely painful. It will hurt. The beauty of our lives as humanity is that we can feel the hurt, sad for staff, and have compassion on everyone in this mess all at the same time. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We can endure great pain and be compassionate in the midst of it all.  This is the great love extended to us from God.

Take My Spear, Please!

So watching the drama of the GFA situation on Facebook unfold I could not help but start applying the logic I have been teaching my kids lately. Although one usually doesn't find logic on FB. I got struck last night when a former co-worker explained that David did not attack his king because it would be sinning. AKA former staff should not challenge someone who is obviously saving the lost.   My brain could not determine if it was a Red Herring or if it is a case for "Special Pleading."

Be like a Berean came trotting across my brain so I went and found those verses in the bible. They are in 1 Samuel 26 but instead of reading them like they had always been served up, individually I read the whole chapter. Often when I read it just turns into a movie in my head. I saw David and Abishai creeping up to the king. Whispering their commentary back n' forth. Then showing their prowess by stealing his spear and water...

Think about that whispered the Holy Spirit... it replayed in my mind... they are taking the king's water, while he is camped out in the wilderness, and disarming him. I was fascinated by this.  Why would David do this? I continued to read on. Oh look in the morning it created quite a stir... But only because David starts yelling across the countryside.  I'm sure this shamed and embarrassed poor Abner. Not only that but David casts judgment on Abner saying he should die because of his negligence, in front of the whole army... and basically says they all should be ashamed of themselves. It looks like David is very willing to bring to the public eye the actions of King Saul's subordinates. David does judge, and calls out problems when he sees them, but he didn't kill Saul. I became more and more engrossed as the story unfolded.

David argues for his side of the story. "King is this Gods anger or yours?" This is NOT a private meeting, this is out in the open being yelled across a mountain. David is clearly asking Saul to look in his heart to see if his actions are God ordained or man driven. Whoa Nelly did I just read that??? Did David just openly challenge Saul on his heart actions in public? I've seen so many posts on FB that are about not allowing others to see our disputes, as it shows christians in a poor light. Also brought up is that; we cannot know the heart behind the action that upsets us.  Here is David seeking that out in a very public forum.

Then I love what happens next Saul doesn't make excuses or dissemble. He repents. He is not behind closed doors, one on one, but in front of everybody. My mind is blown, pieces of it ricochetting of the walls. For so long I have held this opinion in my heart that to condemn publicly is an attack. This is  due to the spoon fed interpretation of Verse 9 But David said to Abishai, "Do not destroy him, for who can stretch out his hand against the LORD'S anointed and be without guilt?" 

I had one of those ah ha moments, David disarmed his king, took away from him the water so needed for life. No he didn't attack and kill, but yet he did publicly discuss the issue at hand and Saul repented publicly. This is so far away from the uses this verse had been put to I'm almost ashamed to admit I only have just studied it.

The Agony of it All

My mind seemed stuck the same recording playing over and over again. I couldn't seem to get away from the thing we had been "discussing" on and off for hours. The distractions of this life had not caused me to be "over it" as he had thought. It was still simmering in my mind. I knew it was not ok to simmer like this. I knew I was being irrationally angry, yet the emotions just poured out of my heart.  Overflowed into a morass of ugliness.

As my anger toward the whole situation exploded around me (Thank the Lord the kids were in bed)  it occurred to me all the craziness of my life has caused me to set aside my grief. And grief ignored can express itself as anger. There I was again wracked with sobs months after my moms death, processing the hurt in a not so healthy way.  At least I'm processing it...  ugh! Apologizing afterward... In fact I even apologized during and before. I remember saying "I'm sorry, I know I'm being irrational, I have no idea why." that was right about when the discussion turned into the ugly mess of craziness.  

I sit here now and see the habits of old, the triggers of that irrationality are still surrounding me. The stuff pushed to the back of the counters instead of picking it up, opening the cabinet door, and placing it on the shelf above. I mean really you didn't even have to walk anywhere, its about 14 inches from its home.

Funny how it's such small things that grief uses to wedge its way out of our hearts. I believe it was The book A Woman Answer to Anger that talked about how for some of us, we cannot face our sorrow it is to hard of an emotion to process. It hurts so much and touches us so deeply. On the other hand when we don't touch it, it expresses itself differently, usually in anger, irrational, this is not peaceful.  

All of these thoughts ran around my mind as I was sobbing uncontrollably again at 11pm.   My brave husband sat next to me supporting me as best as he could. I really love him, he's quite amazing, he can face the most difficult parts of me with love.  It wasn't pretty or beautiful or pleasant for him. It shows how much he truly values me that he will stick by me even when I have snot dripping out of my nose and my eyes are red from crying. 

Am I Infectious?

GFA has been accused of shunning people.  While we were working there we could alway explain away this behavior. I did find it odd tho let me explain. One day I ran into old friends who had been asked to leave the ministry. It was outside of Hobby Lobby. I greeted them and we talked for 5 min there was an awkward silence. I had so many prying questions I wanted to ask but I didn't. I didn't know what to do I felt like Hey this was my very good friend... and Hey they left GOD'S CALL the shame they must feel.... After the prerequisite awkwardness set in they went in the store.  I only just heard from them a few weeks ago... a decade later. To my shame now, I felt I was doing the right thing at the time.

Part of my brain said this lack of interaction is like a venn diagram.  When we worked together the overlap was high, and when we stopped working together they barely touch.

But the message we got over and over at GFA was one of looking inward. Many times I have sat in Prayer meeting hearing the same message. Your spiritual cup is only so full, if you pour it all out at your local church, or if you pour it into your family back east, or if you pour it into ______, you will run dry. One cannot minister to all these people and still do the work of the Lord. You will get burnt out.  This messaging was so strong to us that:
My knight and I went and asked permission from leadership before taking a parenting class at our church.
We rarely volunteered to help at our church.
For a season we quit going church.
I quit an online bible study...

Our first year I went into a leaders office (our mentor) and asked about a tiny ministry I was doing at home. When I first arrived at GFA I was mentoring 5 people though an online bible study.  I checked their answers and just checked in with them via email. Five to 20 minutes a day was spent on this activity. I had 6 more weeks of "mentorship" (180 day program) and I actually would have received hours towards a counseling certificate, when I (and they) completed the course. My obligations to them would then be fulfilled. When I explained the situation to my mentor at GFA, he informed me I could only have one ministry: GFA. I needed to go home and break ties with this program.  I was so sad but I obeyed and dumped all my students on to my class leader which caused her difficulties.

I was so eager to be apart of GFA I never questioned this request of my leader he must be right he's been working here forever... there was a part of my mind that said "It's just 6 more weeks, if you had said nothing you could have finished and not felt so guilty about the whole situation." I have to admit I did not have "peace" about it but I obeyed because well obedience was preached so consistently.

Another message GFA preached was "Don't spent to much of your time away from the ministry activities."  The inference was that you will basically get infected by The Greedy American Church mentality.  If you spend time with them you will want what they have. There is enough truth to this to make it stick like gum to the bottom of your shoe. If you spend time with "others" you might catch Americanism, and stop desiring to "live simply" as if people outside the ministry are infectious. One day my hubby and I were invited to a double date on a Saturday night. It was so much fun! Our song played and My hubby and I got up and danced to it, or rather swayed together in time to the music. Our friends took photos and posted the cutest one on Facebook. These friends had left the ministry previously but our connection to them was so strong. We still baby sat for each other and we had not "let them go." as was so typical of our life at GFA.  Did we talk about GFA... no we were more into food, fun and parenting.

Monday morning my Knight in Shining Armor is called into his bosses office.  He is questioned about his Saturday night activity.  Did he understand that some people in the ministry could be upset by his Saturday night companions.  This baffled us. I could understand if someone was upset by "dancing" as some denominations do not accept it, but that was not the issue at hand. It seemed that hanging out with likeminded friends who encourage us and bring us joy is the problem.  Odd Odd Odd...

The more I contemplate our life at GFA I start to see holes in "The Spiritual Cup" teaching.   A message I took from the book Life Time Guarantee by Bill Gillham is that Jesus can do all things through us if we let him.  He can give us the means, the energy, the heart. I don't have to do anything but be willing. I'm massively paraphrasing here but do you get the idea? God doesn't need us to do anything for him.

Looking at burn out it's caused by not being filled with the Holy Spirit, not having Joy a gift of the Spirit, but rather doing things in one's own strength. Yes it's ok to say NO to certain church activities esp. if you feel pressured but what about when you have a great desire to cook a meal, sew a costume or teach class.   Bing... light bulb as Gru would say...  If staying close to the Lord fills me with his strength for the ministry then how can I run out?  Yet the staff at GFA is so tired, so busy, so focused, pouring themselves out for the Lord. Gilliam stresses God is supposed to do the work through us, and the act will bring us joy.  I can run out if I'm not taking the time to recharge my batteries at the well of the Holy Spirit. Prayer meetings were not bible studies, they did not recharge me... GFA referred to them as Spiritual battles. Geisla once in a Ladies meeting referred to The Holy Spirit as a shower you can get in anytime you run low, I have this in my notes.  GFA"s message of  if we focus only on the work and our prayer time we will be exhausted but it's all for the Lord. Joy seems to get lost in all the messaging of suffering and focus.

If we can continually be filled with the Holy Spirit filling our spiritual cup... why are extra ministerial activities not allowed?  Unless of course I'm not getting filled or striving though my own strength.  Why so inward looking GFA? How come the only time I felt was sanctioned to spend with people in church was in fund raising? Why did joy, fellowship, community seem missing from the campus?

During my Moms illness GFA sent cards filled with encouragement, 2 staff showed up for my mom's funeral. I felt very loved. But now the venn diagram is complete,  months after we have left GFA I find myself on the opposite side, phone calls are not returned, my texts go ignored. Gossip ran rampant for a while which I should have anticipated. If people do not feel they can communicate with me, then all they have left is conjecture. (I'm so laughing about this one) For the record... I did not take my children to NY as a trial separation... and yes I did come back and have not left my husband. Were still very happy and cute... One shouldn't listen to the gossip of children.

I do care about the friends "left behind" but what can I do but pray for them?  Hope they don't see me as Infected with Americanism and that they will keep the lines of communication open.  Yet I do see how closed off GFA is from the world, how over worked over tired we were while we were there. I'm grateful to God that he now is giving me a season of rest.

From Grief to Grace

Life just overwhelmed me, as I sat there asking my husband to talk to Sweet Potato because everything seems to be a fight these days.  We discussed the regression and how we can parent her though it. Her not being present, not connecting, but at least she wasn't causing trouble, just being odd. She has lost her Grandmother, her friends she's moved into a new house, life is hard.  A wave of grief swept over me, poignant pain, how I wished I could call my mom and just have her listen. I sobbed like a lost child into the pillow. My knight being the strong silent type got me tissues and waited for this episode to pass.  Eventually the gentle rubbing on my back brought me up for air.  The pain, the ache subsides once more and I go back to my life as a wife, a mom... the official unpacker of boxes.

When I try and talk to Sweet Potato about her disruptive behavior, the continual push back, she says "But I'm stressed"... at dinner tonight when she brought it up again as her reason for lallygagging all day with her (half!) speed school.... I pointed out We Are All Stressed! Little Miss Sunshine jumped on the band wagon and continued on the theme, when Sweet Potato spreads her stress to mom, it spreads to dad, and then trickles down to her.  Well on the whole she didn't appreciate it.  

We all decided "stress" isn't like manure and isn't necessarily a good thing to spread around.  I realized having to call the ACA (Obama Care) with out a web connection or knowing where all the documents are but knowing I need to make this call asap. It only took an hour or so but I was so stressed.  Sitting at the DMV thinking of all the lost time, because thankfully I realized my license will expire soon... so much easier to renew than replace. Sadly I was correct when I got home Sweet Potato did not self start, but she did do her self care. Which she pointed out with firmness.

In my quiet time before my day started I really thought why are we so unconnected. I realized in my desire to:
help
please
make her happy
be the loving kind mom
The respected mom got lost some where in-between the the closed door to her room and the iPod in her ears.

Then she hands me a perfect reason to limit them... Ha-ha-ha.  I caught her sleeping on her bed when she was supposed to be studying. Late nights, worry, not enough exercise, and peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast will do that to you.  So her door went open, the iPod given a time allotment in the evening, and she had to do her work where I could see her.  I also called her on every occasion she showed disrespect, lots of do overs and try it again cupcake came out of my mouth today.

Thank Goodness! One of the neighbor girls stopped by to ride bikes "After School." That was the impetus she needed to finish her school and come to dinner with a smile ready to talk... Did I move dinner time to accommodate her, Yes did she deserve it.. No,  but isn't that what grace is for.

Three Cans of Primer

Well we have closed on the house and soon we will move in. The kids are itching to move into their new home.  We started by allowing them to paint their rooms.  Since we did not own the last house (the ministry did), we could only paint one accent wall. We just told the kids "NO" and lived with the drab flat (so difficult to clean) paint. I must admit to having much frustration at the flat paint in the last house. It picked up dirt and stained so easily, and I didn't have any touch up for months! Then when I did get touch up it was exterior paint, and matte or semi gloss. Yes they gave me the wrong paint multiple times. Picture me banging my head against the wall...  But I digress.  So with the help (aka limitations) of Dad, one picked aqua and the other picked a light orange. So for the last 4 days we have been prepping rooms and priming.

So far the girls rooms and the living room are done! woo hoo! After we did that, the kitchen just looked so drab in brown and grey... the whole house was brown and grey. I really wonder what were they thinking... if my kitchen was tan, beige, (insert blah color here) I would have lived with it, but no, the mud brown had to go. So sad they just painted and here we are redoing all that work.  I discovered a few things, for example they did not remove the wallpaper before they painted the wall... *sigh* since I'm in a hurry and I do not need a "renovation" at the moment. I also am committing the "sin" of painting over wall paper.  Someday I will re-do it right but for now I'll just shudder as I paint over it. I feel the need to mention one should take out the plastic drywall screw holders with needle nose pliers. Not spackle over them.  I now know what treasure awaits me under the lump of un-sanded spackle.  Here is a tip, if you can't get it out, take a screw driver and a hammer and push it in further into the wall, then spackle over it. TA DA! no more ugly lumps.  

I think I need to rant for a few seconds, Texas what is up with no smooth walls??? Why do we have texture everywhere... is it to stop people from resting their weary bones against the walls? To stop sensory children from touching them? Maybe the drywall finishers are just lazy, in a hurry, uneducated as to how sweet a smooth wall is?  Up north I watched a man quickly smooth out walls for a luxurious finish.  Ok, yes it took a whole day. Yes it produced enough drywall dust to choke a rabbit. Yet the result, smooth walls, lovely to touch. You can put the bookshelf up against it without knocking off bits of the wall. I have a feeling I will yet again be skimming some walls in my future.

We have just a few more days to finish painting the rooms and then the movers (friends) will be dropping my NOT flylady moving boxes into my house.  These boxes were packed for a storage space not a quick move. The boxes are full to the brim and packed tightly. I think I will need a new method of unpacking it all. I'm looking forward to being settled again.

I have to give a shout out to all my friends and family that have helped me. THANK YOU! The list is so long I'll just say "you know who you are," and we could NOT have done this without your help, housing, and sandpaper. I'll have photos soon :-)

Learning Life skills.

What awesome things my kids are learning while here in NY. Many opportunities to do stuff we have never done while we were missionaries.  Grandpa has a smoker. Little Miss Sunshine helped clean a Walleye from a tournament. The Team: Dances With Fishes, Won big money for the fish they brought in. I love the fact that they eat what they catch. They had a big party and cleaned fish, they sent all comers home with the fruits of their labor, after stuffing us with deep-fried goodness.

Little Miss Sunshine loves all protein especially when its been dried or smoked.

 She started pestering Grandpa to smoke the fish. He said he didn't know how. As the pout started to form on her lips... Grandpa starts talking about how much fish he already has in the freezer. An idea formed in my mind... I said well Grandpa why not let her look up how to do it as a school project?

Sweet Potato is learning about "early" foods. I'm sure those 2 small fishes that Jesus multiplied were smoked or dried fish.. How else could Momma have packed them in the morning for his lunch? What better way to understand than to see it for yourself, and in this case taste it too! He agreed with alacrity, She ran off to get a tablet to look it up on google immediately. Well 3 days later she is holding 3 pounds of smoked fish.  She cleaned it. She made the brine, and soaked it. Today, Grandpa prepared the smoker and they smoked it together.  These memories will be priceless treasures her whole life long.  Meanwhile this non-fish eating human just loves it smoked... cause well it tastes more like bacon than fish. Yummmmmm Bacon of the Lake...

Through Life's Storms

A friend of mine texted me today about how my life has been one storm after another for such a long time and how well she thought I was weathering it. She said she was praying for me.  Words cannot express how grateful I am for all those of you praying us through this time of upheaval. I look back at the past year and see so much loss, best friends moving on everyone in our family experienced a bestie leaving, loss of one of our dogs, a new job for hubby but at the cost of loss of fellowship with so many good friends as our Venn circles no longer overlap, loss of our housing attached to the old job, and the hardest loss of all, the death of my mother the kids grandmother.  

I have been amazed at God's timing how he put me here in New York at just the right time to be a help and companion to my father. I may not be the best of companions but at least I'm here  :-)  We are hoping to close on the new house as soon as possible, please pray for favor with mortgage companies as government entities have lost documents on us... Pray they are found or are not needed. 

I did not want the girls to get to far behind so I did order some of this years curriculum. It arrived yesterday and I started assigning blocks of work. Since we only have pieces I'm having them do about 2 of each assignments per unit. I could not imagine trying to cart all the books we needed back to Texas in the tiny car we just bought for Daddies commuter. It will be a fun trip home! ha ha ha.  

I cannot believe Little Miss Sunshine is starting Algebra she is ready. Yet this week she has discovered the meaning of brain drain. Use it or lose it! She has not done any math over the summer other than looking at price tags and figuring out if she has enough money to buy the article of clothing. She was laughing at herself today that she could not remember 3x3 is 9! I have assigned a few extra math work sheets to warm up her math skills. 

I was so glad Sweet Potato's friend was praying for her today as she absolutely flew though addition of polynomials today. Woo hoo! She was all smiles as she was sifting though the math facts to get the answers. She was really trying today so less frustration for everyone.    My poor father has his dining room table taken over for hours at a time now. The girls are using the tablets for more than just fun and games... My poor candy crush saga is going no where... LOL. I'm glad I have them working on school. It was a good decision as it has been too cold to go swimming. Today it is 66 degrees out and raining. Brr... They had been OD'ing on TV while handy to keep them occupied during the daily hospital runs, how much back to back  "Say Yes To The Dress" can one watch without getting bored?  You know they have watched enough TV when your child says "Mom I have watched every Good Luck Charlie episode." with a hang dog expression in their eyes.  Doing school has normalized the days for the girls which in turn helps them process this nomadic life we are living at the moment. 

I never realized how hard it is for my kids to meet people in a new place.  I'm totally joining the nearest home school co-op when we get back! Never before was it an issue, as we were in a large community of friends who homeschooled.  I am looking forward to moving in, putting down some roots and letting Little Miss Sunshine raise a few rabbits. We may even join 4-H club. What a thought... it meets every other Tuesday night at 7pm and I can go! I'm grateful I have a place to weather the storms, supporting my dad and being supported by him. I am looking forward to traveling home and spending time as a complete family unit again. 

Crossroads

This is a poem I have been working on since October of 2014. I never felt it was quiet finished but since My knight In Shining Armor posted poetry  I sat down hoping the muse would also smile upon me.  I was able to pour out yet more of my emotions into finally finishing this poem.

Crossroads

Brokenhearted at the crossroads I stand.
No matter where the road turns or where I land,

You are right beside me.

No signs say this way is best,
Should I just tamely follow the rest?
Not a breeze flutters my hair,
as I ask "Which way Lord?" To the air.

Your silence is disconcerting...

Once voice says:
Your sad at my choice.

One voice says:
This is just a test.

One voice says:
You can freely choose.

So I ask again "Lord which way?"

The frogs go peep, the crickets sigh,
A dog in the distance howls a lonely cry.
Tears course down my cheeks at the sound,
They fall to the earth, rich and round.

My Lord and I stand side by side,
You hold my hand, I whisper, "Is it here we bide?'
Not a step forward or back does he go,
So here we stand; at the crossroad.

The sky turns pink at the setting of the day,
The clouds converge in a fantastic display,
Through the gathering storm descends the sun.
When will we be all one?

Do these paths go plodding on and on?
Does one lead to glory?
Does one lead to death?
We watch and I wait for the dawn.

The day has begun beautiful; yet devastated.
The death of dawn so unexpected.
Who knows the pain of walking through this door.
My grief lost in the midst of more,

My Lord holds my hand as we go through,
Saying gently, I know this too.
Hard things are worth doing is what I will tell.
All I ask, is that you finish well.

-Sara

Edit: Aug 27, 2015

My daughter loved my poem so much she painted this for me. 

Letters

I watched a Ted Talk on the art of handwriting, and how it engages the higher reasoning function of the brain. Interesting only cursive handwriting seems to do this, printing and typing do not.  I was amazed and inspired to sit down and write my Knight in Shining Armor a letter. I hope he has received it by now... In fact our relationship was built upon letters.  I wonder if that is why we can share stuff so easily. For years we wrote letters back and forth. One can commit things to paper that are often hard to say in person.

I love how a handwritten missive shows the emotional state of the person writing it. So much more is conveyed though a handwritten letter than through a typed email, or a text message... As I sealed up my letter I remembered I used to write SWAK on the back of all of them... so well I did it again. How silly, here I am 47 years old yet I put "sealed with a kiss." on the envelope.  I feel so young inside I know I am not on the outside but hey you are as young as you feel right!

I'm sure it costs way more to send a letter these days, but why not... funny I know I will face time him or call him or text him any time I want, yet I'm still drawn to writing him letters in this fairly short time apart. Think of all the wife of shipmen, in the age before telegraph/telephone. Waiting months to then get a pile of letters, did they sit down and read them all in order, all in one sitting, or wait and read one a day to make them last? What an age we live in that allows us instant communication face to face video chat. I'm still waiting for flying cars and jet packs of the Jetsons age...

So think of someone you haven't written to in a long time and send them a card or write them a long letter pop it in the mail and smile.

The Dreaded Algebra

Funny how I dread teaching ALGEBRA, but as I was working through how to at least get a start on school while we wait to move in to the new house, and I'm still in NY and not in TX... Oh the ramblings and meanderings of my mind. What to do? What to do?, and who calls but Mike Austin, looking for the web guy, who is not in NY and his old phone number is not forwarding properly. Mike was so helpful, and one email later,  I have a few things headed our way that we can start on that will help us not fall too far behind.

I already had the No-nonsense Algebra here so I got it out and sat down with Little Miss Sunshine... Sweet Potato is doing summer schooling with it... we at least have moved one whole chapter! My sister found an error in the guide.  Lesson 4-6 it's problem 15 or 16 I have forgotten which one but 3 of us all kept coming up with one of the answers but the other one didn't match the answer key. My sister picked it apart for 45 minutes before declaring the key was wrong.  Her father in-law a long time math teacher said "Oh the stories I could tell you about wrong answers in the the answer key."  Oddly he didn't actually tell us any.

So we finally got into the fun part of algebra solving X & Y because we have 2 equations. I told Sweet Potato it was magic math... (insert flying rainbow unicorns here) we don't know the variables but we have enough information that we can *still* solve them.  It was fun.. I can't believe I just said algebra was fun, but there it is on my computer screen. This from the girl who never understood square roots.  So as Sweet Potato and I slog through algebra going at her pace of learning. I'm at that point where Little Miss Sunshine is starting.

What a difference, I wonder if she knows how amazing it is to be introduced to negative numbers and immediately grasp if you have -45 -3 you add them to be -48 or that mental gymnastics of -32+56 =24 even the tough ones 3-4+7-10 =-4 type didn't stump her.

She told me she hated math and algebra was hard... I told her not to be scared and discussed real life negative numbers. You want beef jerky but you didn't bring your money it costs 4$ I buy it for you you now owe me (-4$)  and you give me 5 dollars when we get home how much money do I need to give you back?  It seemed to do the trick... (Think it was the beef jerky example beef jerky always holds her attention.) Suddenly she just understood *boing* like that...  I kept giving her harder and harder problems and she just kept working her way through them.

Later as Dad and I were driving to the hardware store he said... "You are a good teacher. You praise her so much and encourage her that is the key." Thanks Dad! We had a good discussion on how hard it is for me to find things to encourage Sweet Potato on, and yet how important it is. Her stubbornness has been imprinted in her mind from the time of her birth, it kept her alive in the orphanage, yet now it causes her to not listen.  So often I have to let her figure it out, you can do it your way 15 times and bang your head against the problem your way and when you figure out you need help and are ready then and only then are you teachable, and ready to learn... Maybe some day that persistence will create some new invention. I certainly hope so, but for now I can look forward to a few weeks of light school, that she can choose to make hard or easy.

A Time To Mourn.

My Dad in an email shared with me how he feels we his children have overcome our grief and mourning more quickly.

I wonder if he is correct in his thinking have I recovered quickly? Daily I face moments when I realize my mom is not here to tell this or that story too. It hits me like an arrow to my heart, I'm saddened by my loss.  Dad hates that term loss; yet for me it perfectly describes my feelings. It's a loss for me. Mom is not lost, and I'm not lost in the sense of "I have lost my way," but I am being deprived of my relationship with her and that is loss.

I was annoyed with Amy Carmichael when I read she insisted on the funeral marches in India be happy occasions full of joy. I could see her point to be a witness to those around her but in what way did that help her and her compatriots mourn the loss of their friend?

How can I sit down and say "But Dad it is a loss..."  I'm not starting that discussion, because I don't see him in that place. It's better to just listen and let him express his emotions. Funny how so many of my thoughts are so very different, sometimes even opposite of his. Maybe I'm finally learning tact? Oh wait I'm posting it on a blog so maybe not.  

When I'm driving and it hits me, I can't take the time to cry it out. I thought I would be able to take time to grieve at my friends house which I did but it was a small window.  I have children, I have responsibilities that draw me into the world, that pull me out of my grief. My friend was in such a great need of help that I just threw myself into as much work of helping as I could and like in the line of that great Jane Austen movie Persuasion,  "How can I be melancholy? When you have come to visit?" I hope I got that right. So much to talk about; 5 years of catching up to do and plenty of weeds to pull.

Of course my choosing to work instead of cry could be denial and it will hit me when I least expect it. I do know mom was not a "daily" part of my life before. I would hoard up things to tell her in our marathon phone calls. We lived 1300 miles away.  Yet I knew if I needed her advice or a recipe I could call her. It is that aspect of our relationship I miss.

There are other parts that I don't miss, at one point in my life I sat down and wrote myself a list of do's and don'ts for my relationship with mom. It really helped me set up healthy boundaries with her and I grew as a person. I would love to talk about that and walk through that aspect of my life, but not with my father. He doesn't see it in the same way that I do, nor do I expect him to. He will always hold a parental point of view. So I suppose to him I look like I'm over it.  In some ways I am and in others I'm not, I still get ambushed by my emotions.

I have lived with grief for so long. It is something I think people miss when one shares about infertility. When you go to adopt a child they make you take a long hard look at your grief, because if it's ignored it can cause so many issues in the adoptive family.  Maybe that is why I don't show it as much. Grief over all the children I never got to hold in my arms, the kick I never felt in my belly, has been a long term companion, yet it has been practically ignored by those around me. For me infertility equates tremendous loss, the death of all of my children by reading a paper with test results on it.  I would get funny looks if I burst into tears over my infertility. I mean come on, "you can just adopt", Or "God has a better plan for your life." "You are supposed to be married but without the encumbrances of children." The things people said you would not believe. My grief became very private shared with only a trusted few.

After mom's death I tried once to explain how I felt to dad,  about how infertility and grief is linked, and my experiences with the process of loss. He pretty much shut me down immediately, in no way can I compare the loss of children I have never known to his life with mom. So I guess he is right I can't know the depth of his love for her and sadly he cannot know the depth of my grief for my un-conceived children.

His pain is so real and raw and my pain is a re-healing wound.  I have felt this pain before, I know I can live with it, and because God is faithful, I know I will still have joy. If it bleeds I will let it, but at this point I'm not picking at the scab.

Voices In My Head

I contemplated my homeschooling choices for my kids this year.  it was like I could hear my mom (All day)  saying to me; "You have the best educator right here in your father but you never ask him for advice." She has actually said this to me in the past.  In the spring I sent my dad an email and he did give me advice.  Today I sought it again, but I didn't pick my moment well. Ah well the risks we take... at least it has silenced the "mom" voice in my head because I sought his advice.

It's good to know he believes in me, and thinks I can teach art without a box of curriculum supporting me. I know my strengths and weaknesses. The thought of building a program of art for Sweet Potato daunts me. Not to mention would suck up a huge quantity of time I'd rather be playing candy crush... oh did I just write that.. well maybe Sudoko.  It is so true but feels sad to say that, I need boundaries placed upon me to be creative. The thought of having to start from scratch to create and teach art at a high school level with a "the sky is the limit" boundary is freakishly scary to me. 

When I quilt I use a pattern, yes I have made patterns up but it was to please an individual. For example one person told me the loved rubber duckies. That limited my colors, rubber duckies are bright yellow.  That boundary got the creative juices flowing. Bathtub, blue water, bubbles, and it all came together in my head. Three months later it came together in fabric. I can think of time and time again where boundaries cause more creativity than the lack of them. 

My dad keeps correcting my grammar me and I, can and may...  still get me confuszled. Then he follows it with Mrs. S... was a bad teacher she was more concerned with spelling than good grammar.  Funny she was the one who used to say "The sky is the limit."  I like the the fact we can reach for the sky but I think for some people like Sweet potato and me total freedom of choice makes it impossible to choose.  

So I chatted with my sister and bounced ideas off of her and came up with a plan for homeschooling my high schooler with special needs... that plan may change 15 times before I order the stuff. I at least have my scaffolding to place it on. 

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

Dad drove past the cemetery, he was talking and telling me "That cemetery is the other one." I looked over at him askance. I have no idea where we are; driving around in the beautiful hills of upstate New York, to go find a tiny cemetery that a family friend owns. He took me there before, it is a beautiful location up on a hill over looking a verdant valley. But thats how the entire drive has looked so... Five minutes later he's is turning around saying "What am I doing here?" As we travel back we both muse on how little sleep we are getting. Altho this morning I overslept horribly. I also got 8 hours of sleep but I have felt muzzy headed all morning.   Sipping my mug of Dragon Well green tea, a favorite of my Dads. It's a delightful green aroma, tangy with a small acrid bitter finish. Time seems to be turning in slow motion. We pull in to the cemetery and no one is here... but as soon as we park, the white truck on the neighboring farm starts up and comes over.

Dad and I walk over to the plots, they are marked out in lime and with sticks, apparently headstones take months to carve, oh look the movies get it wrong... Such a small hole. Dad takes the box of mom's cremains and holds it out. It's so small. It can't be more than a 7 inch cube, it's heavy.  He asks his friend (A person I regard as a sister from another mother.) "What we do now?" She says that it is up to us... Apparently Catholics usually all go away at this point, they have a service in a church. We have already had the service and it's just dad and me on top of this hill. With the family that owns this tiny cemetery.

Meanwhile I'm fascinated by how small the hole is. There is at least 15 ants and 3 beetles down there. Life in the cemetery, it strikes me how much life is here. The wild flowers they let grow dot the expanse of the graveyard. They dance in the slight breeze to a tune the winds sets for them. It's so lovely and quiet.

Such a small cemetery, such a small hole, such a small box, this cannot express the greatness of my mother. She is not in that little box, who we are is secure in Christ. My mom is only represented by this small box of ashes, this is all that is left of her physical body, but she is not here, She is in heaven.

Dad interrupts my musing and says "Well shall I put her in?" So he does lovingly with such gentleness that just shows the great love their marriage held. He took one last photo. He won't let me have a copy, it's ok. I'm a visual person and the image of that tiny box, in the tiny hole that cannot contain the love they had is what struck me so powerfully this morning. Dad speaks of reading in his bible the passage today about how God spoke to Adam and said from the earth you came and so shall we one day return to the earth.  Genesis 3:19 By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground, because out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you will return.

One awkward moment later he says "So where is the dirt? What happens now?" I love how human it all is. They bring over a wheelbarrow full of earth and said "Well you're in charge. Do you want to fill in the hole or?..." leaving the sentence hanging in the air. Dad takes the shovel and puts in the first shovel full of earth, unable to contain them tears spring into his eyes. He then hands me the shovel,  tears bittersweet overflow my eyes. I go to scoop up the dirt and find so many rocks. I avoid them and pour a scoop of sweet earth over what remains of my mom.  The young man takes back his shovel, and deftly, carefully fills in the rest of the hole. Placing the sod back on top. Some of it is missing... so perfect! My mind delights, what a true refection of how imperfect our life is, even in death. I walk away and find 3 wild flowers I pick them and take them back to the bare spot and place them on it. My Dads friend also goes to her moms grave nearby and plucks some blossoms and adds them to mine. So sweet a moment and yet so painful.

We hug
We cry
We say goodbye

Triggers

I find it odd the things that ambush me at this time of the loss. Walking in the back yard and expecting to see mom on the swing. Thinking of a funny story that I want to tell her, but she is not here to tell. I could go all day long and be fine and then someone pours out sympathy for my loss and the tears start to flow. 

Yesterday while my dad was paying bills he came across the Easy Pass bill. It had all the comings and goings as marked by the toll booths. Two AM trips to the hospital. Returning home at 11pm at night. Weeks of traveling everyday. It was like he was reliving each of those moments. 

We ran into the Hospice chaplain at the farmers market today.  He said something that was actually comforting.  All the sadness, grief, and the loss; it is just an expression of the depth of the love they had for each other.  I really see this as true. The loss it cuts so deep, because they were so deeply in love. Their lives beautiful intertwined in a graceful dance of love and God and family. 

I'm still in utter awe that God has given me this privilege to be here just where I can be of help.  To be present, that theme that runs throughout my parenting. Presence instead of a present, time spent is so much more important than the things we give. 

Changes

Well its been ages since I have blogged.
Let me tell you some of the things I have learned since my last post.
You can fly really cheaply on holidays, and the plane will be full of children.
Starbuck's may not show up in google maps but they are actually only a mile away.
There is more than one kind of stroke, Ischemic, Hemorrhagic and Transient.
Lung Cancer is on the rise 150% in women!
Lung Cancer is insidious and can hide behind other symptom sets.
You really should test your house for radon if only for the peace of mind factor.
Brain radiation treatments can manifest the same symptom set as strokes.
Our brains are amazing; the name for a thing, and what it does is not stored in the same place in our brain.
One person can, lift, roll, change the sheets on a bed where a sick person is without that person getting out of bed.
How to inject insulin with a needle, wow that was so not hard, why did I think that was hard?
Hospice is full of amazing people who really care you can  Donate Here...
Doctors don't die like the rest of us... How Doctors Die
It sucks when your mom dies.
Social Security makes you pay them back if you die in a month they have paid you for.
Even a cremation burial is terribly expensive.
You only need 1 plot for 2 people if both are planning to be cremated.
A funeral is like planning a wedding in a week. It can be done well, but you pay for each and every service they offer, for example; moving flowers from one location to another costs 125$
People have lots of stuff and it all needs to be gone through when someone dies, this is hard.
I discovered my mom had a love affair with "Life Is Good T-shirts." Yes I took them all!
I have a fantastic set of friends relatives and co-workers. Thank you Taun and Gen for coming to moms service, for all the cards and notes and emails from my friends and family.
My sister is a fantastic speaker and can bring a room full of people from laughter to joy, and sorrow in under 5 minutes.
My brother is amazing and servant hearted
My kids can step up and do hard things.
I love my Dad more than ever.
Laundry and cooking is an ever present companion.